Who is he and what is he to you?

[Seymore]

Quoting the Bill Withers classic seemed most appropriate here...switch the "girl" with "guy" if appropriate.

 

So you're dating a girl for a few months or more, and you like her. You know that she's kind of "gotten around", had her share of FWBs and one-nighters...but it's in the past, right?

 

You look at her phone, for whatever LEGIT reason - say she's driving and asks you to dial her mom for her. In seeing her contacts list, you realize that there are quite a few guys' names in there, guys that you'd never heard of before. Based on her history, you wonder if these are some of "the guys" and why they're still in her contact list, but you want to make sure. Now, I'd have no problem if my gf asked me who each and every person in my contacts list was - hell, I'd even give the entire story about them, and I've done it before. But in this situation, is it inappropriate to ask her who these guys are and how they know each other?

[ghost69]

why would you worry? i'm more of a behavior type person than just some contacts in a list. if i sense shady biz, i ask.

 

i have over 100 contacts in my phone and 75% are women's names.

[waveseer]

Almost half of the world's population is male, they could be anybody. Unless you plan on locking her away in a dungeon (which is illegal and not very nice) you need to accept that she has regular contact with other men. The real question is, "Do you have inappropriate contact with other men?"

[Catdancer]

Yeah, I'd ask and I have. If I use my bf's phone and there is a name in there that I dont recognize. I ask. He answers. End of situation.

[dragon lady]

I have a ton of male names in my phone. Many of them are people in my family. Others are guys from where I used to work or friends I used to have. You can meet quite a few people over the years. I wouldn't assume she got around just because of these numbers. Even if she did, it doesn't mean she's still in contact with them.

 

I'd be a little uncomfortable with being asked that.

[Sunflour]

Her phone list is not your business, especially if she's given you no reason not to trust her. Leave it be.

[Seymore]

The names in question are, like I said, of guys you have never heard of, not like friends or family - over months of you two dating, yet they're in her phone still. She even gets a new phone and makes it a point to transfer their numbers over. You don't think you'd have a right to ask? How about if she had previously mentioned one of the names of her flings and his first name matched the first name of one of the guys in her list? Still no right to ask?

 

This is a hypothetical question, btw - not going on with me now or anything. I was just curious.

[ghost69]

do you want to know about all of the boys that she grew up with and whether they had sleep overs or just threw mudpies at each other? maybe that one guy she grew up with down the street ran into her at the supermarket.

 

or 'jake' the plumber or landlord that she calls once every 2 years for that one toilet leak? or 'sam's' is actually a discount store she had to call to get her new tv repaired? or her cousin and uncles you haven't met yet. does she need to explain all of that?

[Seymore]

do you want to know about all of the boys that she grew up with and whether they had sleep overs or just threw mudpies at each other? maybe that one guy she grew up with down the street ran into her at the supermarket.

 

or 'jake' the plumber or landlord that she calls once every 2 years for that one toilet leak? or 'sam's' is actually a discount store she had to call to get her new tv repaired? or her cousin and uncles you haven't met yet. does she need to explain all of that?

 

First of all, if I were dating her for a year I would know her cousins, uncles, guy friends, landlord etc names.

 

Second of all, I don't understand how it is that a thread can be made in this forum where a guy wants to stay in contact with his ex and when his gf disapproves because it seems suspicious, and people say she's right to be, but when a scenario is presented where a guy just wants to ask who certain guys are in her phone because it seems suspicious that he's known her all this time and never even heard of these guys, he's wrong.

 

How about if they just happen to be exes and she's keeping in touch with them? The only difference is she's not telling you, so how would you even know?

[jenny_mcs]

The names in question are, like I said, of guys you have never heard of, not like friends or family - over months of you two dating, yet they're in her phone still. She even gets a new phone and makes it a point to transfer their numbers over. You don't think you'd have a right to ask? How about if she had previously mentioned one of the names of her flings and his first name matched the first name of one of the guys in her list? Still no right to ask?

 

 

I have tons of male names in my phone- like other have mentioned they are friends, co-workers, former co-workers, service people (car guy, tax guy, etc), cousins and other male relatives, etc.

 

I don't think after dating for a few months or even a year you would know every person who was ever in the other person's life.

 

I would find it very odd/off-putting if my SO wanted me to go name by name through my phone and explain who everyone is. I would think he was extremely paranoid and his insecurities were out of control.

[sparkles4]

I think it would be a little ridiculous to ask her about the guys in her contact list. I probably have more guy's names in my phone than girls. When I got a new phone, I transferred them all over. It doesn't mean I want to sleep with them or am even contacting them on a regular basis. Some are friends, some are exes, some are relatives, and some are acquaintances or people I don't really talk to much but held onto their numbers in case I ever need them for whatever reason. If a guy went through and started asking me who everyone is and how I know them when I haven't done anything to warrant suspicion, I would think that he was possessive and paranoid, and would be kind of pissed that he trusts me so little.

[EQD]

the past is the past. i wouldnt ask, i'd put it out of sight and out of mind.

if she/he didnt give me any reason at all not to trust them then its none of my concern.

[Seymore]

So basically if you knew one of the names was an ex of your SO, you'd be fine with that? You'd be fine knowing your SO was in contact with her ex?

 

My ex had names of strange guys in her phone, I didn't ask. Turned out one of those guys was an ex-FWB and was trying to contact her again, Lord only knows why. And she liked the attention. But here I was, thinking it was just another guy friend of hers. But I didn't ask - because that's wrong. And had I not found out who he was, I would've been oblivious as to what was going on.

 

People are way too trusting sometimes.

 

EQD - when'd you get back?

[waveseer]

So basically if you knew one of the names was an ex of your SO, you'd be fine with that? You'd be fine knowing your SO was in contact with her ex?

 

Many people have the same name. Just ask her if she talks with her ex if you really need to know.

[jenny_mcs]

So basically if you knew one of the names was an ex of your SO, you'd be fine with that? You'd be fine knowing your SO was in contact with her ex?

 

In your scenario, you saw a first name that matched a name of an ex, so you don't even know if it is the same person. Also, having someone's name in your phone does not mean you are still in contact.

[huskiesfan]

So basically if you knew one of the names was an ex of your SO, you'd be fine with that? You'd be fine knowing your SO was in contact with her ex?

 

 

Personally, because of prior experience, I'd be a little wary, but I wouldnt be overly concerned, unless I had a reason to be. Not every person will make a clean break with their exes, some remain friends, so best not to worry unless you have a clear cut reason to be worried (i.e. inappropriate text messages, etc.).

[EQD]

out of my 70 some contacts i only talk to 10 of those, and only a handful on a regular basis.

just because they are in the phone doesnt mean they are still in contact.

 

and i snuck back in around a month ago after i brokeup with my ex.

[Seymore]

Many people have the same name. Just ask her if she talks with her ex if you really need to know.

 

Good answer.

[Seymore]

out of my 70 some contacts i only talk to 10 of those, and only a handful on a regular basis.

just because they are in the phone doesnt mean they are still in contact.

 

and i snuck back in around a month ago after i brokeup with my ex.

 

Oh, EQD...I'm so sorry. Well, if you're not, I'm not, but I'm sorry you had to be put in that situation. I remember you talking about him all the time.

[ghost69]

First of all, if I were dating her for a year I would know her cousins, uncles, guy friends, landlord etc names.

 

Second of all, I don't understand how it is that a thread can be made in this forum where a guy wants to stay in contact with his ex and when his gf disapproves because it seems suspicious, and people say she's right to be, but when a scenario is presented where a guy just wants to ask who certain guys are in her phone because it seems suspicious that he's known her all this time and never even heard of these guys, he's wrong.

 

How about if they just happen to be exes and she's keeping in touch with them? The only difference is she's not telling you, so how would you even know?

 

by her behavior man. if some girl i'm seeing for a while starts acting different or suddenly can't see me on our usual normal basis and stuff keeps coming up, then it would be suspicious.

 

some girl went through my phone within the last year. i recently got back in contact with her cause she called me drunk one night. i asked her about how we stopped talking. she said she went through my phone, saw all of the numbers and old pics of people. i forgot i even had all of that. and yes, that was after getting a new phone and doing a contact swap. like i want to sit there and type in 100+ contacts. i keep numbers in my phone so if an old acquaintance calls, i can hit ignore and not have to talk to them. if i erase them and they call, it's just a number i don't know and i might answer. then i might be like dammit i didn't want to talk to her/him, etc. that's usually why i keep those numbers. that and i tend to forget. i went through my phone like 2 months ago, i erased like 40 numbers of people i hadn't talked to in a while.

 

i find it odd that you rebuttle against these posts and you say it has nothing to do with you and this is just a question. you seem a bit offended or something though.

[Seymore]

Like I said, it's not going on now. I said a few posts back that I was in that situation long ago and didn't ask. Then it turned out that she was getting messages from an old FWB who she still had in her phone, and it was kinda clear why he was getting in touch with her. She wasn't doing anything to stop him, because she liked the attention. But I didn't ask when I saw his name and all the others, and it still turned out she liked the attention from this guy. If I'd never asked if she still talked to her exes, I'd never have found out. That's why I don't think a girl HAS to be acting strange like you said.

 

Maybe it's just a one-off, I don't know. My concern was based on that and other personal experiences where I'd find a name or number and not ask, then it turned out the girl was either hanging out with one of her exes or pining for his attention. That's why I said waveseer's suggestion of just asking if she still talked to any of her exes was a good one.

 

I'm trying to take the steps to improve myself and understand when to ask things and when not to ask them for my own future reference in future relationships, and wanted to find out how to handle this in the future. It's annoying, fine, I get it. I personally wouldn't be annoyed, like I said (and I've been in that situation where I got asked about EVERY female Facebook friend), but now I know.

 

I was getting defensive because I didn't ask her in the first place, yet people are saying "You're wrong, that's annoying, etc." I just asked if it was ok to ask, and I felt with the "Do you want to know the name of everyone she grew up with", etc., that I was being attacked.

[ghost69]

that was one girl.

 

and asking a tramp like that girl might have been a simple, 'they are nobody.' who knows if asking her would have affected it.

[Seymore]

that was one girl.

 

and asking a tramp like that girl might have been a simple, 'they are nobody.' who knows if asking her would have affected it.

 

It was more than one, but you're right. If they're want to do those things, they will, with or without your knowledge, I guess. I understand, and I apologize if I came off as an ass about it.

[Sunflour]

Once you start down this road, though, where do you stop? Do you read her diary, check her email, identify every one of her Facebook friends, open her letters, follow her when she says she's going out with the girls to make sure that's the case?

 

Or do you trust your partner unless given some pretty dramatic reason not to?

 

This woman has done nothing except have a past that was over before she and the OP met. She does not deserve to be cross-examined about her phone list.

[oldenoughtoknow]

Good point, ghost. I wouldn't think much about it either. I can't think of any of my recent GF's who DIDN'T have a name or two of an ex or past FWB. I've still got 'em in my address book too. Now, if you saw a recent call/text/email that popped up from them, I would simply ask if they have been in contact.

 

If you guys haven't had the talk about ex contact, that may be a good segue for the discussion. I don't like it, I don't do it, and I expect my GF's to not do it. If they are the type that says they have always kept in contact with their ex's, I would tell them "Well, my Heidi Klum lookalike ex-GF called me the other day and wanted to have dinner with me. So I guess I'll call her back and set it up." I always win that argument.