Who is he and what is he to you?

[Seymore]

Actually rich, I had mentioned that on the first page. I found it odd how there are so many people who will jump in a thread where a guy is still in touch with his ex and say "You shouldn't be friends with your ex", but at the same time you have no right to ask who these other guys are that you've never heard of.

 

But again, waveseer's suggestion, a good one, put an end to that question. Just ask if they're in touch with their exes. I guess I just don't understand why you would still have an ex/ex-FWB's number in your phone. It wouldn't take me a year-long relationship to delete a FWB's name from my phone.

[Nixee]

I'm with EQD.... just because they are in my phone doesn't mean I'm in regular contact with them.

 

I have a ton of contacts in there, plenty are male.. doesn't mean anything.

 

 

But for me personally, going through my phone without permission is grounds for a breakup. And frankly, I generally don't give permission. What good EVER comes from wanting to see your SO's numbers/texts/etc?

 

Who cares if they still keep ex's numbers in their phone and you don't? That is their personal decision, not yours. What matters is their behaviour - whether they contact them and whether they cheat on you.

[Seymore]

Ok, I get it. Males in your phone, doesn't necessarily mean anything. I understand.

 

First - I feel I'm being misunderstood again. I said legitimately. If your SO hands you their phone and says "Can you call so and so" and you come accross other names while scrolling for so-and-so. I didn't say without permission.

 

Second - why even keep an ex's number in your phone? Other than the rare case that you just happen to work out as friends, I don't see the point. But if you're claiming to be over and done with them, why keep the number in the phone when you've moved on and are in another relationship?

[Nixee]

Ok, I get it. Males in your phone, doesn't necessarily mean anything. I understand.

 

First - I feel I'm being misunderstood again. I said legitimately. If your SO hands you their phone and says "Can you call so and so" and you come accross other names while scrolling for so-and-so. I didn't say without permission.

 

Well... fair enough.... I guess that is with permission.

Highly unlikely this would happen with me though. I'm pretty clingy with my phone, and I think this thread illustrates one of the reasons why. Cell phones have become another item containing personal and private info.

 

 

Second - why even keep an ex's number in your phone? Other than the rare case that you just happen to work out as friends, I don't see the point. But if you're claiming to be over and done with them, why keep the number in the phone when you've moved on and are in another relationship?

 

Could be any number of reasons. For me personally, I'm horrible at keeping a hard copy address book for things nowdays. If I delete a number - that's it, it is gone. So maybe some numbers I have written down somewhere, and many I don't. I may not plan on calling all those people on a regular basis, but I guess MY question is - if it is causing no harm in keeping the number, why delete it?

 

Why does being "over and done with" someone have to include deleting their number? That may be your choice, but it may not be someone else's.

 

I have the numbers of a few exes in my phone as well as a few people I've casually dated. The fact that the numbers are still there does not mean I'm in anyway still pining for these people. Some of them I might not be hurt if the numbers were deleted (I just haven't bothered), some I actually am on friendly terms with and really don't want to lose the numbers, even if we don't talk regularly. But none of it dictates how I am today or who I'm with. I can delete the numbers, but I can't delete my past, so what does it matter? The person I'm with should just trust me.

[waveseer]

I just remembered, a man I had two dates with once grabbed my phone away from me to see if I would try to grab it back. We were not exclusive, we were not in a relationship, we barely even knew one another. Well, I didn't try to grab it back but I think it was the last straw for me, he was too intrusive to get to know further.

[Seymore]

I just remembered, a man I had two dates with once grabbed my phone away from me to see if I would try to grab it back. We were not exclusive, we were not in a relationship, we barely even knew one another. Well, I didn't try to grab it back but I think it was the last straw for me, he was too intrusive to get to know further.

 

Playing keep-away with your phone...what was he...twelve?

[Seymore]

I can delete the numbers, but I can't delete my past, so what does it matter? The person I'm with should just trust me.

 

So long as you don't give them a reason not to, but that's a whole other story. I guess I just let those couple of girls instill a sense of paranoia in me through their actions.

 

I guess the comment on "If it's not causing any harm, why delete it?" has become a rut of a question because it's just as easy to ask "If there's no need for it, why not", and that can go back and forth over and over again.

[arcadefire]

Seymore I am on your side. From past experience, and my friends' experiences, etc. and everyone else on this board (the vast majority), keeping in touch with exes or fwbs is just a red flag.

 

It's just very disrespectful to your current SO and brings NOTHING to the current relationship to keep in touch with someone you've been previously intimate with, and could very easily fall into a cheating situation. It just makes you feel uneasy. Why do that to someone you care about if it's so easily resolved? A break up is a break up for a reason. Why cling to the past that couldn't work when it could potentially ruin a presently good thing?

 

From experience, keeping in touch with an ex means something is fishy, almost always. And I'm glad I smelled it out because it turned out he was cheating on me.

 

If I were you, I wouldn't just sit around blindly trusting this girl.

[Nixee]

The fine line here is.... keeping a number is NOT proof of keeping in touch.

 

 

If you found the number in an address book, would you ask for them to erase the number as well? I'm sorry, but I just find that a bit controlling.

 

I'm recently in a situation where a family member has become gravely ill. I haven't called my ex's number in nearly a year or probably two. I've actually considered calling it though in this case simply because my ex and this family member actually were close at one time and he may wish to know.

It is just a means of contact. It isn't proof of cheating or anything else.

[Seymore]

Thank you arcadefire - it's good to know I'm not the only one who feels like that. And btw - the girl is long gone. I left her for other reasons last year. Like I said, I'm just going over things in the past and trying to figure out productive ways to deal with them so I know how to handle them in future relationships.

 

 

 

Yeah, well I guess it might be if I did do that, but I didn't, so oh well.

[dragon lady]

The main reason I keep the numbers of all my exes in my phone is because if they call me, I know not to pick up If I delete the numbers and they call, I will pick up and have to speak to them. The same goes for text messages. I don't have to reply to some random number saying "who is this?" They ALWAYS get back in contact eventually.

[Nixee]

 

Yeah, well I guess it might be if I did do that, but I didn't, so oh well.

 

I'm sorry.... I wasn't implying that you did... I was simply making the analogy that cellphones are like address books for many people nowadays.

[waveseer]

Playing keep-away with your phone...what was he...twelve?

 

He wanted to see if I cared that he could look through (and maybe use?) my phone. Little did he know I was secretly hoping he would keep it forever so I'd be free of it. lol

 

Strangely enough he was middle aged chronologically, but obviously used to using tactics a bit too controlling for my taste.

[ghost69]

i would find it more odd if they had 2 contacts in their phone. you and their parents. lol

[waveseer]

i would find it more odd if they had 2 contacts in their phone. you and their parents. lol

 

Run for the hills! lol

[oldenoughtoknow]

Actually rich, I had mentioned that on the first page. I found it odd how there are so many people who will jump in a thread where a guy is still in touch with his ex and say "You shouldn't be friends with your ex", but at the same time you have no right to ask who these other guys are that you've never heard of.

 

But again, waveseer's suggestion, a good one, put an end to that question. Just ask if they're in touch with their exes. I guess I just don't understand why you would still have an ex/ex-FWB's number in your phone. It wouldn't take me a year-long relationship to delete a FWB's name from my phone.

 

That was the point I was referring to from ghost. I still have ex's numbers in my address book so I know who it is if they happen to call me. If I delete them, there's no way I'll remember every phone number of every ex - I'm not sure I could tell you all of my current SO's numbers - they're memorized in my address book and not in my head.

 

The other valid point that was made is that, yes, normal women will normally have other men's numbers in their address book. It could be co-workers, business contacts, their boss, their hair dresser, their landlord, their gardener or handyman, etc., etc. Not really something to worry about.

 

I understand that you weren't snooping when you saw these names. I stand by my original thought...if you saw the name of a former lover in her address book, I wouldn't think anything about it. If you looked at her phone and a former lover came up on her recent/missed call/text list, then I would ask her what's up.

[ghost69]

If you looked at her phone and a former lover came up on her recent/missed call/text list, then I would ask her what's up.

 

i'd be more concerned if it was a dialed call or a replied to text, not a missed call or an incoming text.

[Seymore]

I'd be afraid to keep an ex's number in my phone. I accidentally dial the wrong people all the time, and with my luck I'd be calling the craziest ones by accident and the suffering would begin again...lol

 

But that makes sense. By my experience, my concern was more towards the replied to texts or calls too, and then what concerned me even more was when I knew it was one of the exes and when I'd ask who it was, I'd get a "I don't know".

[yellow_sweater]

But that makes sense. By my experience, my concern was more towards the replied to texts or calls too, and then what concerned me even more was when I knew it was one of the exes and when I'd ask who it was, I'd get a "I don't know".

 

That's the wimpy, non-confrontational way of saying "none of your business." ;-)

[Seymore]

Depends. It could also be called "playing dumb". When her ex-FWB starts contacting her out of the blue months later and she's texting back and forth with him and I'm completely left in the dark about it, "I don't know" is a suspicious response.

[ghost69]

some girls are shady. sounds like you found a couple of them in a row. sucks, but move on. don't write this up as a guaranteed thing to look out for in a girl. you will lose more relationships this way.

[Seymore]

I know. That's kinda why I was asking - like I said, I want to make sure I don't make mistakes like these in future relationships and get a better idea of what to ask and when - and if and when it gets annoying or is warranted. I guess it's like a "Ok, I felt this way back then. What were the signs. Did I have the right to react?" thing, and I'm feeling everyone out for their opinions.

 

There were girls I've dated that didn't give me any reason to doubt, and those that did. I know they're not all bad.

[ghost69]

i've had two girls in my past go through my phone. one wasn't a gf and one was. like i said earlier the other girl stopped talking to me just cause of that....AND WE WEREN'T EVEN TOGETHER. so F her. my ex did it and asked cause it went off and i was in the shower. she asked, 'who is ____?' i told her it was an ex and i had no idea why she was trying to call. that was that. she trusted me as she should. i also told her to please not look at my phone because i don't do that to her cause i trust her. right after saying that, she gave me the best .... nm

[oldenoughtoknow]

I think this is something to be upfront about early in a relationship - like right when you decide to be exclusive. I always put it out there: now that we're exclusive, we aren't going to date other people AND we aren't going to have any form of contact with ex lovers. If they squirm when you tell them that, from my experience, you'd better watch out.