Look at my red hands and my mean face

[veneratio]

I'm feeling a lot better lately. The aching is gone...the longing. The what ifs and what could have beens are absent. And I don't miss her as much. I think I just really needed that closure. To know why. Maybe just a combination of time and closure. I miss her occasionally, but not everyday like how it was. Like I said before, I think the pain was more about the betrayal, more about her revealing what really lurks beneath the beauty. Why it's there to mask the truth. The fact that what she did reveals so much about us. About society. About people and their selfishness and lack of compassion for others. How no one has heart and sticks it out for the long run. Everyone wants a quick solution. A quick fix. And that's their right. It's my right. Just..where is the line drawn?

 

And of course it hurt cause I truly do care for her as a person. Always have. Always wanted the best for her, wanted her to better herself. Always. Didn't want her to slip into old habits. It's a sting like no other when it isn't reciprocated. But, sometimes I felt like I was fighting the relationship she had with her dad, or lack of one. I felt this..resentment..always..not at first, but once she got used to me being around..even if I was nice about trying to get her to see how something could be perceived..how something wasn't good for her or why someone reacted the way they did. Just whatever. Anything that she didn't agree with, it was like a kid rebelling against a parent. That's honestly what it felt like. I don't know if it was just a resentment for me, or if that's how she's going to be with everyone. I don't know. I don't even know where I was going with this. I guess I wasn't happy with everything either is what I'm saying. How she treated me hurt. Just thought I meant more is all..

 

Anyway, it does get better. Look at the things you were unhappy with. Take a look inside of yourself and try to find what really hurts. Is it because you miss that person? Ache for them? Or is it because they hurt you? Everyone's story is different I know, but it definitely gets better.

 

I realized that she's like a juicy, delicious, beautifully constructed cheeseburger. Appealing to the eyes, creating that tingling sensation at the angles of your jaw, causing you to salivate imagining what it would be like to have just a taste. But Jesus, the things it does to your heart.

 

I must be hungry.

[imsuperman]

Dude I had a cheeseburger earlier, an actual one, and it was so TASTY.

 

I think you're on the right track here.

[veneratio]

I think I was as well, superman. I even had to go out and get one. Too tasty.

 

 

Guess what I did? I finally made the mistake of looking at her facebook. Guess what I see? Her and him beaming smiles. Guess what else? I was never worthy enough to be in a display pic. Pretty crappy feeling. Oh well, though, that's what I get for looking. Never again.

 

Those damn cheeseburgers, they'll get you.

[imsuperman]

image removed

 

Don't do that again.

[veneratio]

 

Don't do that again.

 

Never again, superman, never again.

[veneratio]

I had the worst day yesterday. I would have rather been dumped all over again than to experience that. Puts things into perspective, though, huh? Being dumped ain't so bad. There are WORSE things out there. Like tarantulas.

 

Seriously, though. Yesterday was ugly. I pray to God that today is better. The idea of what I do being taken away kills me. The threat of that..definitely makes you appreciate things. So what if your heart aches for a bit? It goes away. So what if you hurt for awhile? That goes away as well. So the gal or guy you like isn't attracted to you? You push through and move on. Or you lose a good friend..maybe even a best friend. You move past that, too. But what if what you live for..what drives you..what pushes you beyond your comfort zone...what you truly believe in and have faith in...what if someone takes that away from you? Then what? Could you cope with that?

 

It makes pulling yourself out of that puddle of pathetic seem easy. Losing what you believe in, how do you recover from that?

[veneratio]

So looking forward to my tat cover ups. Kind of worried about the size, though. It's going to take some getting used to. The 3 tattoos that I have aren't very big, so they never bothered me much. Having ink bigger than 3 inches in length is going to be...different. I just hope I don't regret it. But what's the worst that can happen? I end up old with blotches of ink on my saggy skin? It's just skin..I think that will be the least of my worries when I'm older. Oh well, though. I was the idiot that went and got tats symbolizing his girlfriend at the time. The price you pay.

 

The one on my abs, I'm considering removal. I just don't know how effective that will be. And if there's going to be any residual ink or scarring left over, might as well just get a cover up. Better that than a scar or residue from something that I would rather not remember or that I'm trying to leave in the past.

 

Anyway, made the deposit. Met my artist, he seems really chill and professional, very knowledgeable, was able to answer all of my questions. So we're aiming for early/mid September. Kinda excited. Its a big step. Before I refused to get them covered up or made excuses. Now I'm doing all that I can to put everything in the past and continue to push forward. The tats are all that remains besides memories, but I have no control over those. Hopefully time softens their edges.

[veneratio]

So, I followed through with my therapy or counseling. Whatever you want to call it. It was..different. Hopefully it helps. It's pretty awkward, though. Having someone look at you as they wait for you to try and search for..words or..events. But hey, I'm a man of my word and I'll stick with it.

[veneratio]

He who learns must suffer. And even in our sleep

pain that cannot forget, falls drop by drop upon the

heart, and in our own despite, against our will,

comes wisdom to us by the awful grace of God.

 

Funny how that works

[veneratio]

Pretty irritated my direct deposit isn't set up yet. Already been 3 pay periods and I needed that for a truck I was going to buy. So, I guess that's where I'll head to after this, pick it up and see if they can figure out what's taking it so long.

 

I shaved my leg for next week and it looks so...naked. Getting a bit more nervous. That's a lot of lines and detail to endure, lol. I know my leg is gonna feel..just..raw. Looking forward to the finished product, but not to the feeling.

 

Therapy has been going well. I learned that it isn't so much an anger problem that I have, but an unhealthy defense mechanism. Stems all the way back from my childhood. Not feeling good enough, not wanting to hurt, so I mask it by anger or try to make up with it by becoming angry. Still, once I get to that point it isn't healthy. Now to work on fixing it..

 

People wonder why I'm so protective of my younger cousins. Not just cause of the obvious, they're my cousins, but what happens to you during your childhood stays with you..for years..for life. I just didn't realize it was capable of this. I didn't realize how much of it still bothered and affected me. I know how I was raised affected me, I just didn't think those feelings of inadequacy still lingered..thought I left them behind to kick rocks.

 

I'll get there.

[tiredofvampires]

People wonder why I'm so protective of my younger cousins. Not just cause of the obvious, they're my cousins, but what happens to you during your childhood stays with you..for years..for life. I just didn't realize it was capable of this. I didn't realize how much of it still bothered and affected me. I know how I was raised affected me, I just didn't think those feelings of inadequacy still lingered..thought I left them behind to kick rocks.

 

This is the truth. I'm 43...and still working on it. I know what happened to me will be with me for life...and sometimes that's felt imprisoning, at other times, empowering because you can't ever be complacent.

 

It's hard work.

 

Good on you, Ven, for doing the work. Following through. Being a do-er, not just a talker about change.

 

Gonna make a good man into an even better one.

[Realitynut]

But what if what you live for..what drives you..what pushes you beyond your comfort zone...what you truly believe in and have faith in...what if someone takes that away from you? Then what? Could you cope with that?

 

But you see...this is how I felt about HIM!!! He was who I believed in. HE was who I had faith in....I believed with all my heart we were suppose to be together for life....and being over 50, I thought what I believed in to be TRUE!!! So what do I do when 'someone' being HIM, the person I believed in, took that away from me!!! What do I do then? How do I cope? It's going on 6 months. It's my 2nd day of being out of the crippling depression. He came before my job that I adored, and left for him. He came before my teenage kids. He came before my parents and kids birthday, or Christmas's. He came before everything. Cuz that is the way I thought it was suppose to be.

The relationship, the US, was the hub of the wheel, the priority, the center from which everything else attached to. We had these discussions often, because he did not make me or the relationship the priority in his life. He did at the beginning. Not at the middle, and difinately not at the end.

 

So now how do I go on? Any ideas??? I can walk. I can eat. I can shop. I can look at the moon. I can work. All alone. I had done everything with him. I miss him. I miss my home. My yard. The laughter. The sex. The vacations. The reason for living. The hope for the future. Hope for the next day. Now nothing.

[veneratio]

This is the truth. I'm 43...and still working on it. I know what happened to me will be with me for life...and sometimes that's felt imprisoning, at other times, empowering because you can't ever be complacent.

 

It's hard work.

 

Good on you, Ven, for doing the work. Following through. Being a do-er, not just a talker about change.

 

Gonna make a good man into an even better one.

 

It definitely is hard work. And I know it's going to continue to be. I just hope I can fix it, make it better or learn to work with it.

 

It's weird. I thought I was just angry. I didn't know it was just those same feelings that led me to anger. Thought I made peace with all of that a long time ago, but I guess not.

 

Thanks ToV, means a lot. Sometimes it takes losing something to realize you need to do the work, and not just let empty words fall from your lips.

 

But you see...this is how I felt about HIM!!! He was who I believed in. HE was who I had faith in....I believed with all my heart we were suppose to be together for life....and being over 50, I thought what I believed in to be TRUE!!! So what do I do when 'someone' being HIM, the person I believed in, took that away from me!!! What do I do then? How do I cope? It's going on 6 months. It's my 2nd day of being out of the crippling depression. He came before my job that I adored, and left for him. He came before my teenage kids. He came before my parents and kids birthday, or Christmas's. He came before everything. Cuz that is the way I thought it was suppose to be.

The relationship, the US, was the hub of the wheel, the priority, the center from which everything else attached to. We had these discussions often, because he did not make me or the relationship the priority in his life. He did at the beginning. Not at the middle, and difinately not at the end.

 

So now how do I go on? Any ideas??? I can walk. I can eat. I can shop. I can look at the moon. I can work. All alone. I had done everything with him. I miss him. I miss my home. My yard. The laughter. The sex. The vacations. The reason for living. The hope for the future. Hope for the next day. Now nothing.

 

I felt that way about her. I put everything before her, even my biggest passion, and I realize now how big of a mistake that was. Not just because we aren't together, but I realized what I was missing out on. She's just one person..and I was missing out on so much. Especially with my family. They should've had more importance, everything should've had more importance. I'm not saying I dropped everything for her, but, making sure I had money to do things with her versus making sure I had money for my cousins should they need anything..I don't know. It shouldn't have been that way. I lost a part of myself in her, but I think that comes with the territory to an extent. Not going to sit here and make excuses for myself. I cared for her, loved her, and wanted to do what was best for her and make her happy. Just wanted to take care of her. Enjoyed being with her. And like you, I believed in our future together and believed in her as a person. But, the way I see it is there are only two options. She can change her mind, which isn't happening, or I can change how I handle the situation. Did it hurt like hell? Yes. Did I feel betrayed? Yes. Did I feel stupid? God yes. But it happened and I have to accept that. I have to accept how it happened and my actions in and after the relationship. It's hard. Yeah I miss her sometimes cause that was my best friend and to me we clicked rather well, better than anyone else that I know, but that wasn't the case on her end. There has to be another reason for living. You can't put too much stock into another person. Really you can only rely on yourself..we're all human and bound to make mistakes or choices that will hurt others, and I mean that in the least negative way. The only thing you have control over is how you handle situations. It isn't always easy, it'll be hard and it'll hurt, but you can push through it.

[veneratio]

Well it's done, and I'm never getting another tattoo. That's what I feel like right now at least. You forget what it feels like in between them. I was tempted to text her that I hated her an hour into it. "Raw" is an understatement. Happy with it though.

 

I hate being paranoid like this, but there was a guy in there...something about him..couldn't put my finger on it. Kept talking to me about my tat and hung around to watch my artist, then I realized he reminded me of her new guy. Then someone called him by name, sure enough, they have the same name. Started talking to the guy, and the little I know about her new guy, they had the same in common. Just...bothered me I guess if that's what you want to call it. Hate when stuff like that happens.

 

I keep blaming him, for taking "my girl", for stealing something. I think it's low, I think it's shady and I think it's a dirty thing to do. I know I've been in that position and didn't take up the offer cause it's just...low. But I have to stop. If her heart was mine to begin with that wouldn't have happened. Whatever. Best thing for me to do is to wish her well and hope that he keeps her happy and treats her as he should. I pray that she takes the steps to mend her wounds. I wish I could want that all the time and not miss her and my best friend and what we had. I mean..I don't cry anymore, I don't feel that emptiness..or the longing, but I still care for her a lot. But, you can't change what other people want or feel or how much they do or don't care. You can just move forward and appreciate what you were able to share with them. Always gonna care I guess.

 

Felt good to let go of that today. Time to let a little more go. Take care of her. Tired of writing about it.

 

Not drinking for awhile. Pretty sure I said that last week.

[veneratio]

I've been thinking a lot since that last entry, and I feel much more at peace with what happened. I just...accept it. I was trying to make myself accept it before. Now it's just there.

 

I know I did the best that I could and I think she knows that too. And if she doesn't, oh well right? I know that I did and that's what matters. I know that I kept my word. I know what's truly in my heart. I know I gave it my all and I know I did treat her quite well despite the anger. It was my choice to stick around while she disrespected me. Blatantly. I can't blame anyone for that but me, I allowed it by sticking around, but I truly wanted to make it work. I cared for her, still do unfortunately, but I always will. I have to accept that and be ok with it, and I am ok with it. She was a huge chunk of my life and I can't erase that, but just because it isn't reciprocated doesn't mean I have to hold a grudge or be a container full of anger and hatred toward her and toward women who do the same.

 

I just..I feel good. I don't know how to explain it. Refreshed. It's not the end of your life when someone leaves you. It doesn't mean you're defective or something is wrong with you, it doesn't mean that the dumper is a terrible heartless person, it doesn't mean that you aren't good enough. Just means something is missing on one end or the other and one person doesn't want to hold out for the other to figure out just what is missing or how to fix it. Or something different is desired. Whatever the case, it means love was absent on their end. Which isn't wrong, but that should help you out. It hurts like nothing you've ever felt at first, but once you sort your mind out and really think about it, do you really want someone back whose love wasn't strong enough to stick around and push through and experience life with a better you? I mean, I don't know, maybe these things have to happen for a change to occur. It's no different than having something taken away as punishment when you're a child and never doing what landed you that punishment again. Except when you're older you understand why it was wrong and you're left to just...reflect on the errors of your ways. It just takes that sometimes unfortunately.

 

Just let 'em go and wish 'em well. I know I do. Truly. That goodbye text came from my heart. Soul. Whatever you want to call it. It didn't come from what I thought people expected me to say or what I thought I should say or what was right to say. I meant every word. I care for her, love her, why would I wish anything bad upon her? Be happy for them. So they don't want you..why does it have to be that you're missing out and not them? Why does it have to be anything? I don't think we're here to find true love and if we don't we're lost without it. If you have it, God, cherish it. But if you don't there's so much more out there. So many things to explore and experience and who is to say you'll never find it again? Or a better version? And even if you don't, so what?

 

I don't know. There are just so many other aspects of life to taste..why fixate on that and choose to ignore everything else around you.

 

I know she knows that I love her and loved her with all of my being. And if you stumble upon this and have been broken up with, they know that you love them, too. There's no need to try and prove it, in whatever way you think may get through to them, they're choosing to do as they please..what they desire. Let them. You ever try holding a butterfly, preventing it from flying away? What does that do? Squish parts of it, smash the whole thing, maybe damage its wings? Why would that butterfly want to stick around when it already wanted to fly away?

 

There's happiness without them. Honestly. You have to create it yourself.

 

Just gotta let go.

[veneratio]

I make myself laugh. I remember when I was still very much hurt about the breakup, still crying every other day, I went out to a bar. I was having a good time, having fun, but then I thought to myself, "____ these people lol" and went over to the jukebox and started playing all these sad break up songs and just sad songs period. Trolled the bar. Oh, you were trying to set the mood for that pretty lil lady at the end of the bar? or in the lounge area? NOT TONIGHT.

 

Just bought some fish last night and one of them is already dying. Thought I fixed whatever was going on with my water, but apparently not. Might have to call someone out to take a look at the whole setup. It ran fine for over a year, not sure what happened. Parameters are fine, salinity is fine. I don't know.

[veneratio]

Pretty disappointed with today.

 

You know..I really don't like working with women. Yeah, I'm a chauvinist POS. Seriously, though. It's always the same unless it's an older woman. Maybe it's this field, or maybe it's younger women, I don't know. What I do know is, every time I work with women, they FLOCK to men. Yeah, screw me and what we have to do and whatever else we need to get to. OH, you mean you can get some more male attention? Oh go right ahead, someone may be dying somewhere, but if there's a human with something dangling between their legs..BY ALL MEANS...go right ahead and get your fix. Jesus, how much do you need a day? Seriously. I mean don't get me wrong, guys have their downsides too. You can either get the guy who always has to be in charge or the 1 upper. Or luck out and get a chill one. But c'mon, I don't flock to every hot nurse or cop that I see, and believe me, most times I would love to.

 

Just..you have a job. Do it. How you do it, I really don't care, but do your job. If you require extra attention, get it on your off days, not on my time.

 

I'm just grumpy and tired. And I'm halfway serious, halfway laughing as I'm writing this. It was just..ridiculous. It wasn't subtle or even moderate.

[veneratio]

Fml. Can't tell if its playful flirting or not. And I really want it to be. I'd love to have her in my pokedex. That girl is just...God bless her. All I can say.

[veneratio]

I HATE SF. And I hate riding BART. With a PASSION. HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE. Rudest POS people ever. In both San Fran and on BART. It's like the people with the least amount of courtesy and manners are attracted to public transit. And I'm really expected to honor save the air day? And all that BS? I apologize to the ozone layer, but I can't do it.

[veneratio]

I've been doing a lot better, but I'm no robot. Tonight is one of those nights where I miss her. Then I just get mad at myself. Pretty stupid to miss someone that doesn't care if you're starving or homeless. Or if there's an absence of air in your lungs.

[veneratio]

Closure comes over time. I know that's obvious.

 

You let your feelings fade and your passion settle and logic courses through you. Confused? You mean you like this other guy and want to break up with me but you're scared of taking a chance. Something like that. That's what confused means. But that passion wouldn't settle and my feelings repelled any logic I could have had. So I stuck to what I thought was the right thing to do, something I thought was true. Didn't get me anywhere, but I can walk away knowing I tried. On my end, I tried my best. Yeah I sacrificed my pride and dragged my ego through a swampland of feces and blood and God knows what else, but I tried.

 

I thought everyone was full of bs when they said I would like back and think, "what the hell was I thinking?" NOPE. lol, it gets better, though. Always gonna miss her, but it doesn't have to be this sad thing. And there are going to be times when I wish I could share something with her I know she would appreciate, like that LED knight rider strip on that camaro that I'm looking at. Someone else will appreciate it, though.

 

I feel ok. I feel better. I know my confidence is back, or something is back. Me, maybe? Almost there. Cause the attraction towards me has definitely changed. I'm no longer wearing the stench of sorrow. I don't know, but I definitely felt like a piece of ogled meat the other day. Wow. Might as well have worked at hooters.

 

It comes. Not in the answers of your ex. Not in the meaning behind their actions. But with time. And then you'll understand your ex's answers and the meaning behind their actions and your own behavior. You wont need a closure letter on your end or theirs. You wont need to sit there and try to decipher their every move and word. It will just make sense. It's like you had the last piece of the puzzle the whole time, you were just too lost in the beauty of what the finished piece could be to flip the puzzle piece over so that it fits.

[veneratio]

Funniest comment I've heard in awhile. More than likely because it was so unexpected. I'm having a conversation with my friend and for some reason we start talking about my looks, and I'm like, "oh I dunno, I'm alright". She then says, "shut the hell up, you're an effing 9". So I tell her I think she needs her vision corrected, but I'm glad she thinks I'm a 9. Then I ask who she considers to be a 10, cause I was curious. She hesitates for a moment then laughs and says she doesn't want to tell me and I tell her to just tell me. Finally she says "you" *awkward long silence* "but taller". WOW. She really said that, wow. That's the equivalent of a hot girl smashing your junk and groping it all at once. Not sure if you should be turned on or if it should hurt. Just WOW. Is it a compliment or an insult.

 

Um yeah, you would be a 10, but you're kind of short. WOW. I laughed pretty hard, though. Not the first time I've heard that. Thanks for letting me know something I can't change makes me less attractive. I definitely needed that memo. Thank you so much. Appreciate it. Let me just go ahead and get knee extensions so I can be better looking, brb guise.

[veneratio]

I had some more realizations today. I got carried away..lost in my thoughts in that rubix cube of a mind of mine, and I started to wonder what he's like. If he's witty, smart, funny, intelligent, fun, etc. And then I just got disgusted. Beyond disgusted. I was like, "just what the hell, self? You kiddin' me, man?" A week or two after she left you, she put a pic of herself and him, SMILING like nothing ever happened. On top of how everything else went. Really? Am I really entertaining the idea of how I can/could be better for her? That's not what I want, and that isn't someone that cares for me.

 

You know, I never truly understood the serenity prayer. I always viewed it as just a wise saying. But I understand it quite clear at this moment. And I feel like it's been being taught to me in pieces, in lessons. Most of my friends think I'm too nice, too crazy for forgiving her, for not wanting to be mad, for wanting to forgive and be happy for her, for not wanting to wish any ill will her or his way. I think that's my lesson in serenity. Peace. Understanding. Forgiveness. I can accept that I can't change how she or anyone else feels toward me. And within that understanding is wisdom.

 

And the courage. I know I still have a lot to learn and I still need healing. And I just want time to work on myself and just..be with myself. But I think yesterday deserves something. A bookmark, a note, a post-it, whatever. Never in my life have I created a dating profile, but I did yesterday. I don't expect anything to come of it, but if I can meet some great people and have good times, great. If not, then that's cool, too. But..yeah. I don't know..I can't just sit here and not do anything. Why shouldn't I try and have fun, too? Trying.

 

Don't get me wrong. If I sit here and let my thoughts rot in my mind..it's not pretty. But screw that. Not having it.

 

Anyway, on a much a lighter note, no pun intended. I had one of the greatest poops of my life about 20 minutes ago. I feel freed.

[Justnotsure]

I used to hang the serenity prayer at my desk at work, so I'd see it everyday. You're right -- depending on where you are (in life, not geographically), you get different things out of it each time.

 

Good luck with the online dating -- you're a good writer -- you'll do well.

[veneratio]

Yeah, it really didn't sink in until now, but it definitely can be applied to where I am in life right now. Good prayer to keep around to remind yourself.

 

And thank you. I hope you're right! We'll see how it goes. If I can just have fun and start dating, nothing serious, that would be great. I need to condition my mind again. The more I occupy myself with other things, the easier it is to think of other things and not let it wander to the topic of her. It's been better and it continues to get better each day, but I'm very impatient and super competitive with myself and that makes for a bad recipe, lol. I hate giving her any thought, makes me feel I'm losing and I just want it gone.