Look at my red hands and my mean face

[veneratio]

I think very few people understand my personality. Kinda sad. Oh well.

[veneratio]

It's always fun meeting new people. More so when they're drunk, hah.

 

But uh..I don't know what's with me today. Maybe I need to get back into rock climbing and BJJ..I just feel like I need to do more. Something different. I don't know..maybe I just need a weekend in tahoe or something. I just...really don't want to push my wrist. It hasn't hurt in awhile *knock on wood*. I should make an appt. to have my grip tested, etc. to see where I'm at.

 

I don't know..

 

Really hoping this company hires me rather than have me rot on a list forever. I was so juiced at first, cause I did better than I thought, but man..I'm really tired of the gig I have going now. I really need to get closer to medic school..

[veneratio]

I lied. I couldn't drag myself to the gym this evening. And it closed 20 mins ago. So tomorrow is back day, which means I'm going to miss a few minutes of the game. O noes!

 

Think I'm going to try some reverse grip rows, see how they feel..I know I don't have the best genes around, but for a guy who eats whatever the hell he wants, my abs are holding up fairly well. So proud of my genes *tear*

[veneratio]

Maybe I'm just looking for an escape.

 

I remember before every game I would go out into center field and press my cleats into the damp turf, circling, taking in every inch of the field. Getting a feel for it. Whistle blows. Warm-ups. Stretches. Tapiocas, burpees, knee highs. Lead the team in laps, don't go easy. Catch. Maybe two innings pass. Out in center and the numbers are narrow. Comfort starts to escape my body, dripping cold down my face despite the heat. One, two, five, nine, eleven...each blade of grass slowly being curved by the wind. The voices grow distant and muffled. Logic is no longer a factor in my performance, but rather feelings and impulses. With the crack of the bat, a long drive straight to center is delivered. Everything slows down and the little logic I have left, the reserve logic, is telling me the ball will be a few feet above my head. It's saying turn around and catch the ball. Safe. However, my mind doesn't tap into the reserve. Can't. Instead, I find myself a few feet in the air with luck in my mitt. Third out, back to the dugout. "[insert last name here], I didn't realize we were on the basketball court. You better be glad......[insert more trash talk]. Next time, make the out the right way."

 

On deck, batter strikes out, second out. The garbageman is up. Two strikes and comfort is leaving my body in liquid form once again. This time the ball slows down, makes contact and rattles my frame. Pop-up. Yet the infield is steady, still. Coach is yelling run, so I do for whatever reason. I make the rounds since he's still yelling. Back to home only to find that the other half of the bat was the pop-up.

 

Fifth inning, maybe. Batter up again. I swing, crack, and the second baseman finds not the ball, but the tip of the bat in his mitt.

 

Win or lose, it was the same. How do you do that? How do you break bats? Are you sure you aren't just using defected bats? Weak bats? Old bats? How do you jump like that? Did you mean to? Was it a last resort? How do you know you'll be able to jump that high? How can you be so sure you can catch the ball like that? How are you so quick? I don't. I can't. I'm not. No. 5'6 and 120lbs at the time. It isn't logical. It wasn't. Just a kid with faith and passion playing a sport that meant more to him than just that.

 

I sometimes forget that it isn't always about possessing this awesome set of skills that's going to set you apart or make a difference or make things happen. Your faith...your passion..that's what really matters. Having heart.

 

I miss that. The escape. Taking everything in. The scent of the grass, the mud, the dirt...the way the wind brushes against your face, your back...how it caresses the blades of grass. All of that combined. It was like meditation to me. My ecstasy. I'm sure it isn't exclusive to baseball. It's more of a feeling..being in a "zone" I guess. It happened with skateboarding too. Despite my surroundings, all I heard apart from the crack of my board and the sound of my wheels rolling against the concrete, was silence. Feeling as light as a feather, with the air kissing my face. Just felt free..alive.

 

Who knows..maybe I'll find that again with BJJ. Been visiting various gyms. One of the fighters said he could see it in my eyes, that I had a fight in my eyes, or something to that extent. Not sure how to take that. I must be one angry looking sob, lol.

[veneratio]

I wonder what I'm so mad at. Underneath the smiles, behind the good times and laughs. I'm still pissed. Though small, there's always that fire burning somewhere within. I forget it's there until someone comes along and douses it with kerosene. For a quick minute you're the fool, cause you're at my mercy, but in the end I'm the fool left with red hands and a mean face, looking in the mirror and wondering about the stranger staring back at me.

 

Westerns are my favorite..obviously..old and new alike. In Tombstone, Doc Holliday is asked by Wyatt Earp what a man like Ringo and Holliday, wants. Revenge. He asks revenge for what? Being born.

 

75% of the time, give or take, I love life. I love my life. I feel blessed for being given the opportunity to help others when I can. I look forward to that as a career. I look forward to being taken in by whichever firehouse that will allow it and getting into the "moment" just as the "wannabe" bringing desserts each time I have to visit in order to ask questions and being allowed on the rig, on the training grounds, on calls..getting into it. Cleaning the firehouse top to bottom, sparkling clean, doesn't phase me a bit. I take pleasure in it. I love the good times with friends. The moments when your abs get the best workout from a good laugh. The embarrassing yet funny drunken nights. I love being able to appreciate northern california scenery. The redwoods, half dome, el capitan, big sur, tahoe, berryessa, the coast and so on. Going out on the lake in just a rowboat and appreciating each and every ripple you make against Narcissus' mirror. There's nothing that pleases me more than teaching my younger cousin different knots, how to cast a line, how to pitch a tent, how to change oil and brakes even though he'll probably forget. Teaching him how to pronounce his words..to sound them out and hearing him read to me. Watching him try to be just like me despite what anyone else thinks of me. Everyone could think that I'm the biggest POS, idiot, cretin, whatever, but to him I'm a hero. Nothing better than that. Watching my other cousins drawings come to life each day with better detail than the last is amazing. And despite his teenage angst and know it all attitude, being able to talk about..debate about the NWO and bilderberg group and all that other stuff no one else cares about with my oldest is pretty awesome. I appreciate the moments with my mom, and growing closer to my dad. Him taking the time to talk to me, teaching me about poker..cars..life..people, not trying to erase his absence by gifts or money means more than he knows. I love my family..to death. I love the iron and the pump it brings as well as the reflection in the mirror. There's a lot I love about living.

 

But then the flames flicker and rise and I think about all the negativity. All the bad. The dark side of everything. The evil that lurks within everyone. Every soul. And I question the hell out of everything. And it makes me question just why the hell was I born? And I just get so...mad at that. I don't know. I'm not tormented or anything..I'm not depressed. And I'm not going to go jump off a cliff or anything (Yeah, sorry) but..I don't know.

[veneratio]

Re-read that last entry. I wasn't trying to be emo or melodramatic or anything of that sort. I'm not depressed, unless I'm in denial. I just know I'm mad. And I don't even know if that's the right word to describe it. Maybe I'm just conscious of the reality and I would rather not be. I just..I don't know. I encounter something extremely negative and my mind wanders off into the land of negativity and it just overwhelms me.

 

I don't know. What I do know is karma gave me a KO today. Uppercutted the hell out of me. Rough.

 

link removed

 

ahahahah, omg. After the day I had I probably just needed to laugh at something...anything, and that did it. I feel like sporting it just cause...just cause.

 

I think it's time to invest in a better steth, so I can at least look like I have half a brain and like I know what I'm doing.

[veneratio]

Seems like the less thought you put into someone, the more likely it is they'll pop back into your life.

 

One of my ex's popped back up. And I somehow got her to send some lovely gifts to my phone and well..I'm not sure if it feels so great cause it's "new", cause I just find her body attractive or I'm just a DGL and rick james was singing about her.

[veneratio]

I'm pretty sure I just threw away potential wife material. But I just couldn't bear it. All of a sudden trying to mold me into her idea of perfection and expected me to kiss her butt 24/7; read: no playful teasing/banter, being a white knight EVERY WAKING MOMENT. My God.

 

Good. Go kick rocks till your toes turn green. BBC.

[veneratio]

How sad, I already lost interest.

 

I'm quitting sodas and energy drinks after this weekend. Seriously. I'm just replacing it with something just as horrible and then some. I miss red man and skoal, and I can no longer neglect them. Nom nom nom, tar and cyanide in my mouth.

[veneratio]

I haven't bought any chewable cyanide...yet.

 

I lost my phone cause I'm an idiot like that. The cost of the replacement isn't as bad as the loss of all of my contacts. All of my fire and EMS contacts...I'm pretty pissed about that. The past couple of weeks have been pretty crappy. Feels like God dropped a big, warm, steamy one right on my face. Thanks brah, appreciate it. LET'S BE OPTIMISTIC, THOUGH! YAY FOR OPTIMISM. Lesson learned...I'm gonna go pick up an address book tomorrow. It will be much better in the long run.

 

Now...let's use "I" statements. I hate some people. I wanted to throw myself over the desk and strangle the hell out of you.

 

I know a lot of people think I'm an idiot by default. Fine. And I know some people think I'm just settling for firefighting. Sure, go ahead and think so. I also know that some people think I must be stupid because I want to be a firefighter and it takes absolutely nothing to become one. I don't even need my little measly 2 year degree, right? All I need are two legs, two arms, two feet, two hands, lungs to breathe and half a brain.

 

"You know how much firefighters make? I'm tryna be a firefighter, girl. You don't need anything to become one" "[insert some garbage about firefighting that's completely falso and if you actually gave a damn you would know]" "blah blah blah blah blah" .....I'm not better than anyone. I don't think I'm holier than thou. But I do take pride in what I'm aiming for, despite what anyone thinks. I could just as easily quit and rely solely on my parents and play baseball in hopes that it gets me to a 4 year. Or go major in something I have no passion for just to make a few bucks. I'll help any young guy or gal..who doesn't know exactly what to do in terms of classes or projects or how to get a ride-along..or proper attire..studying..or whatever..as long as they respect the profession. None of that makes me better than anyone. You want to do this for the money? To brag? The days off? The pension? Those type of guys piss me off. I know I can't control people..that everyone is different. All professions attract some bad people..I know.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say, that I've been saying over and over, is that I'm not settling. And I can't lie..it's an upset when guys like that get picked over guys that really want it..that aren't just settling. Maybe I'm just being petty, but I don't want a guy like that to be responsible for pulling my ass out of a fire, or anyone else's for that matter. But who am I?

 

Let's be optimistic though...3 day weekend..yay?

[veneratio]

My cardio isn't where it should be, and I keep making excuses for it. So it's time to stop. I can't keep ignoring it, making excuses for myself, or half-assing my cardio. I don't want an agility test to hand me my behind on a platter or barely pass. I just have to suck it up and increase my calorie intake in order to prevent any losses. For the time being, until weather conditions improve I'll do some treadmill/bike and then use the stairmaster. But once the sun decides to show it's face again, I'm getting some cleats, and hitting the hills. Sled pulls. No crying.

 

I really need to be more serious. I've just been so lax about it all lately. Just gotta find a balance.

 

Back and biceps today. Looking forward to it.

[veneratio]

O lawd. I strained a muscle yesterday somehow. I pretty much feel like crying. The doc says to give it a rest for 2 days..but that honestly doesn't sound like enough time *shrug* we'll see tuesday I guess. In the mean time, RICE and ibuprofen for me.

 

Still haven't heard anything back from the company I'm supposedly getting hired by. I'm getting anxious. I need to do work, son. Driving me nuts.

[veneratio]

Why do I still come around? I don't know...

 

Cause I'm detached. Cause I'm numb. Because it no longer matters if you wanna be around, cause I don't really care if you are around or not. I don't care if I'm worthy enough anymore cause I know I never will be. Because you're so caught up in being perfect and textbook, and I'm just not.

 

It doesn't matter anymore. That's why. We're two different people. You're willing to wait around to be second best, and I've been waiting around to be second best while meandering in the puddles of filth that reek of misery and pity..and leave you with a scent of pathetic. I know exactly what that feels like. Pathetic. I don't think you're low and weak because you need crutches or a cane to support you. Or because you always need someone to help you walk as if you don't know how. I think you are cause you're afraid to be yourself, cause you've gotta be textbook cause you think that's going to strengthen your faith, cause you're willing to be second best when no one else wants him..when his age is catching up to him and you're the only one still nipping at his heels, screaming..dying for any shred of attention he throws your way. I've been exactly where you are and I hate that about myself. I hate thinking about it. I hate knowing that I've been that weak. I hate knowing that I gambled my pride and self worth on being second best and lost. Pathetic.

 

That's how we're different. That's why I'm still here.

[veneratio]

We probably wont talk anymore, that's cool. I'm not "nice". Bet you can see that now. I'm not like the rest of your cronies. I refuse to sugar coat things for fear of hurting your precious feelings, because reality is just too hard to bear. I'm not going to tell you what you want to hear. I'm going to speak the truth, I'm going to tell you when you're being an idiot, and call you out on your bs. I expect the same. So if that makes me the opposite of "nice" then so be it. If you can't handle it, keep steppin, son. I'm not responsible for your feelings. I'm not responsible for your subconscious or conscious, so don't get pissed at me for your own stupidity. I didn't tell you to think the way you do. Really? Seriously?

 

To add on to yesterday. Maybe I just forgive you. I'm over it. Maybe that's why I don't care about what you've done to me and I don't care that you're not always going to be there. You're not that important to me.

 

For the longest time I thought my ability to forgive those who have done so much wrong to me was weak. Why did I forgive her and how am I still able to talk to her when so many others speak against it? More importantly, how did I forgive my father for all that he's done to everyone, including me, how did I forgive his absence? I don't know. Many different factors. He didn't just "walk out", he had to. He had no choice and it was the best for everyone. Should I be upset that he didn't care enough..wasn't strong enough to change? I was for awhile. But I'd rather not be bitter about those things. When he's 6 feet under, I don't want any unresolved feelings to linger. I don't want any unnecessary bitterness or anger.

[veneratio]

I didn't do my homework. AGAIN. Oh well. I always put it off until the end of the week, then friday comes around and something comes up and I'm screwed.

 

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. She's so hard to read. Honestly, I came into this just wanting sex and her wanting attention. I know, total hound, but that's the truth. I like the sex, it's great. We have good chemistry in that area, lol. But I'm not sure if it's about that anymore. I'm not sure if it's just about exchange. Pleasure for attention, attention for pleasure. She gets jealous of other girls, then there's the kissing, the flirting, the...everything. I'm not sure. Am I still just around for comfort?

 

You know..I just haven't lost all of my heart yet. I can't screw someone and then leave if there's even a hint of them having emotions involved.

[veneratio]

Or maybe I'm just a pawn going in to be sacrificed so the queen can make her move.

 

I have an illness. Seriously. Sneakers ruined my life.

[veneratio]

Now I really am sick. I feel like ass. We were pretty wise at a young age, girls really do have cooties.

 

The fact that you feel the need to lie isn't all too great of a feeling. How you feel doesn't bother me at all, because it's mutual. I'm not that weak.

 

We'll see where this goes..for now, couch duty.

[veneratio]

Soup and tea is where it's at. That's all I'm about today, and God am I hungry. Great for my throat and head, but my stomach..not so much. I wish burritos and steak had the same effect.

 

We talked. It wasn't a lie. A lot of questions I've held onto have been answered and a lot of my suspicions spot on. Not sure where I go from here. A map would be awesome.

[veneratio]

I can't say that I blame her. I wouldn't want my kid dating the guy I used to be. Who I am now is totally different, I can give myself that much.

[veneratio]

AHHHHHHHHHHH. I don't know. Insert some kind of expletive nacho pie. I can't write this intro for the life of me.

[veneratio]

Made the list. I haven't been this happy in awhile. It's a different type of happiness. Nothing comes close to how happy having this job will make me. Nothing comes close to how happy simply being on ride-alongs make me. And if I can have that forever, or at least until I'm too old, and then some? If I can have that without just being the wannabe..the ride-along..the rookie..the hopeful? Awesome. That's all I ask for. Waking up everyday..or every 2 days..or every other day..and being able to do what I love most..that's going to be amazing.

 

Maybe I wont make it this time around, but it's a reminder of how much I want it and how much it means to me and how happy I'm going to be once I get there. But I hope to God I at least get an interview out of this if nothing else. 5,200 is quite the amount of people to compete with..so my hopes aren't too high.

[veneratio]

Oh, excuse me, 5,199 people to compete with. I forgot not to count myself. Changes things, doesn't it? My happiness has since faded. All I can think about is that big, giant number. It's like a black rain cloud hovering over my head. Thousands. Not just 2 or 3, but FIVE. FIVE THOUSAND. At least it's not over 9,000 huh vegeta?

 

I've learned that irish car bombs are gross. But that's what I'll be having for the next couple of weeks. I refuse to pour what I spent down the drain. Cheap, cheap, cheap.

 

I hope tonights talk goes well. It has to be said, has to be discussed. I'm not one to bite or hold my tongue. And I don't grow sugar canes. Turned out that wasn't prosperous, so I set the field ablaze.

[veneratio]

The talk is to be continued, but that portion of it went well.

 

I don't know why things like that bother me. It doesn't concern me, it has nothing to do with me. If someone else chooses to be close minded and try to look for every possible excuse to seem like and feel justified, then fine. Doesn't affect my life, so why do I care? I think it just reminds me of my old self. The guy I'm ashamed to say that I've been. Anything having to do with him, any attribute or characteristic..I can't stand. I loathe that person. That weak, beta, white knight, ignorant guy. I hate him. So maybe that's partly why it bothers me, I hate being reminded. The other part? It's just plain ignorant. But oh well, sucks for you, brah. More for me.

[veneratio]

I made the mistake of measuring my biceps. That was so depressing. I can't believe how much size and strength I still need to regain. Competing with myself.

[veneratio]

Normally I wouldn't let things like this bother me. I wouldn't say it bothers me as much as I would say I'm appalled at how immature and pathetic some people can be.

 

Take a look at who I am. Some kid who is barely of legal age to drink, still living at home, still going to school, pursuing his dream career. A decorated kid, with all the ribbons and medals and awards that go along with that title. The medal of discovery or escapade awarded for futile attempts of trying to "find yourself". The medal of debauchery awarded for being king of flip cup and beer pong and pulling drunk girls to a room or car. A ribbon for excellence in the weight room, for homeruns. Medal of valor for standing behind what I believe in and not being afraid to defend that by any means necessary. And a bronze star for just making it out of the womb. A kid. Just a typical kid. Then take a look at yourself. Yet you're jealous.

 

Jealous because some people would rather work with me. Because I'm able to do more than you, which doesn't say much, because a monkey could do that job. Jealous because I know more about your job than you do. Jealous cause I have more strength than you. You're old enough to be someone's parent, in fact, you are a parent, yet you're jealous of me and it shows. How sad is that? And it's not me having a big head, a handful of people have confirmed it.

 

It's whatever, just unbelievable.

 

It's part of that whole respect system. Simply respecting someone because they're older than you, "respect your elders". I don't believe in that. I know that's part of it, but I'm not going to respect someone when it isn't deserved or earned, and I'm sure because of that, they feel the same way about me, which is fine. I respect people by default, of course, but when I lose respect for someone and they're my "elder" I'm not just going to continue to respect them. Apologies.