Look at my red hands and my mean face

[veneratio]

I have to admit, I'm kinda scared. Not shiver me timbers scared, but nervous scared. Her mom wants to meet me and I can't figure out why. She really doesn't like me...at all. And she's not the type of person to confront someone. So I can't make sense of it. Why desire to meet me if you don't like me and don't want to confront me? She says she wants to put a face to my name..but..I don't know..makes me nervous. Rubs me the wrong way.

 

Shiver me timbers..

[veneratio]

Yo, Jim Beam. I'm real happy for you, and Imma let you finish going down my esophagus to destroy my liver, but Jack Daniels is the best whiskey of all time. OF ALL TIME.

 

I'm never drinking this BS again.

[veneratio]

I think the biggest obstacle for people seeking to get their ex back--or seeking to date anyone really if you want to look at it that way, but ex's especially--is pulling yourself out of the situation. Making sure your emotions aren't too involved. Don't plunge into the lake, just dip your toes in, maybe a leg. Skip rocks accross the surface to see how far you can get. No matter what you do, what you say, the decision still falls back on them. Hell, Nicholas Sparks could write a letter or speech for you to read to the one you seek, and it still may have little to no affect on your situation.

 

If my feelings were a bit more involved I'm sure I would be crushed. I would just lose my footing off the mountain I've been trying to climb and fall back into a pit. Back to the starting point. And it does hurt a little. When does rejection not? Maybe not when you're trying to catch some tail, but when you're a little involved, your ego gets bruised. You're willing to date a guy that only finds 17 year old girls attractive at the age of 27, but dating me feels wrong. Yeah, I'm calling the guy out. Cause there's nothing wrong with him preying on girls who haven't even lived yet and don't have the slightest idea on what they want to do with their lives when he's bordering 30, but I feel wrong. Yeah I'm judging him, but what the hell? That's ok? It's not wrong or creepy..But I am?

 

I can't make anyone feel or think anything. I wouldn't want to force anyone to do something they don't want to on their own. But damn if that isn't a slap in the face. That's fine. That's what happens when you keep letting yourself get spoon fed BS. Honestly...what did I really expect?

 

Anyway. Disregard females...acquire currency.

 

Brah, you're mad cause someone is a "baby killer", yet you want them to die. Cause that makes sense.

[veneratio]

Every time I go out, something happens that reinforces my opinion of most women in my age group. And maybe I was partly at fault, ok I was partly at fault, but jesus...really? I don't know what's worse. Having a chance or not. Either way I'm screwed. Isn't there some happy medium? Extra medium.

[veneratio]

So...the other night. I made out with some girl. We meet up with her friend at a club. I start talking to her friend. We somehow get on the topic of said girl. I tell brah, "I dunno man, she seems into you" he says, "nah man, she has a boyfriend." Just what the hell? What the hell is wrong with people? Then she goes and makes out with that guy. WHAT THE EFF. Oh yeah, she topped it off with a cherry. Phone call to boyfriend: "HEY BABY!!! We're heading out to blah lbah blah blalhalbfld I'm a skank..love you!!" Wow. Just wow. Unbelievable. But it really isn't. I don't know. I'm disappointed on so many levels. I was sort of kind of diggin' her. She was into me right away, and she presented herself as a decent girl. I was thinking, "man maybe I can take this somewhere..." THEN BAM GKHDGASYKFUHIEUASGYGSGVKGDJSN SALIVA EVERYWHERE ALL IN YOUR MOUTH. Everyone's mouth. Well, if she seemed like a decent girl, then why'd you treat her like she wasn't? Hmmmmm? Hmmmm? I don't know! Maybe there's just a certain scent they give off. Maybe I'm just a dbag. Maybe I just knew. Maybe I just wanted some tail. Who knows.

 

What I do know is that it's going to take me a hot minute to trust again. I know it takes two to tango. I know dude was wrong for still chasing after her. But man. That was PREMEDITATED. That was all her.

 

Since I'm venting about women..if I could get the money back for my tickets I would. I'm only going to see her because I'd rather not waste money. I'll just try to make the best of the situation and hope for a good time. I'm so tired of hearing about how I feel wrong or it feels wrong. WELL SCREW YOU. I don't need you, I don't want to date you. What the hell. It just doesn't exactly stroke my ego. Who wants to hear that bs? "I don't knoooow, I prayed about it and it doesn't feel riii--i-i-ight, but you're so attractive to me..I just wanna jump your bones, b-but I can't beeee with yooouu. It's just something about you *sniff* you..you just don't find 17 year olds attractive. AND I CAN'T HAVE THAT!! waaaahhhh" Go to the kitchen. Nao.

 

Much better.

[veneratio]

That GSP fight disappointed me. I wanted to see hardy get pummeled. Still can't believe he didn't tap. He's got heart for that. Good fight either way, GSP is one humble dude. Love that guy.

[veneratio]

She's made me realize that I don't want a "christian" girl. Everything is a sign from God with her. Everything. So if I get into a car accident, is that a sign from God that I shouldn't drive? If I fail ONE department test does that mean I shouldn't be a firefighter? If you fall down a flight of stairs is that God telling you that you're too much of a moron to walk so you should just crawl everywhere? Come on. I'm glad that she thinks I'm "wrong". Good. I think she's the wrong kind of christian. I felt like driving toothpicks into my eyeballs.

[veneratio]

You're a bigger person than I am then. I would rather not hear how I'm less than perfect no matter how you put it, regardless of how I feel about you.

[veneratio]

You know that if you stick your tongue out and pretend to shake salt on it you can actually taste it?

 

 

lulz. Well..2 days to go. I'm disappointed about so many things right now. I hope to God that things turn around.

 

My last night of inebriation and douchebaggery has left a sour taste in my mouth. I haven't touched any alcohol in over a week. I haven't been able to. I just don't have the desire, so everyone thinks something is wrong with me. Nice. I can't bring myself to. Every time I see beer or alcohol I taste vomit in my mouth and nose. Yeah, no thanks. I would love to have a beer with my steak and tater, but it's like vomit in a mug to me.

[Perfect Dark]

Every time I go out, something happens that reinforces my opinion of most women in my age group. And maybe I was partly at fault, ok I was partly at fault, but jesus...really? I don't know what's worse. Having a chance or not. Either way I'm screwed. Isn't there some happy medium? Extra medium.

 

Just enjoy being single while you can! I've just been on the phone with my best friend for over an hour, with b/f issues. Makes me glad I am single.

 

I hope you don't mind me commenting on you journal!

[veneratio]

Just enjoy being single while you can! I've just been on the phone with my best friend for over an hour, with b/f issues. Makes me glad I am single.

 

I hope you don't mind me commenting on you journal!

 

For the most part I do enjoy it. I love having the freedom to do whatever I want without any obligations or constraints. Also saves my wallet some grief. It does get lonely sometimes, though. But yes, relationship issues and my trust issues are definitely a reminder that overall I'm glad I'm single.

 

Nah I don't mind at all did you taste the salt?

[Perfect Dark]

For the most part I do enjoy it. I love having the freedom to do whatever I want without any obligations or constraints. Also saves my wallet some grief. It does get lonely sometimes, though. But yes, relationship issues and my trust issues are definitely a reminder that overall I'm glad I'm single.

 

Nah I don't mind at all did you taste the salt?

 

Lol.

 

You seem like a very intelligent, nice guy. Just sayin'.

[veneratio]

Lol.

 

You seem like a very intelligent, nice guy. Just sayin'.

 

Aw, shucks. You're too kind, miss. Hope you're feeling better.

[veneratio]

Well..I leave in about 6 hours. Great. Wonderful. Excellent. Awesome. Woo. Go me. Just hoping for the best. Like I said, I'll make the best of the situation. I meant that. I'm not gonna waste a buck 30 just cause I'd rather not go. I'm that cheap. Not gonna let my ex throw that away just cause her mind is a damn maze.

 

Really...I just hope my ears don't screw up during the flight.

[veneratio]

My ears were fine.

 

I'm not too sure what I think of the whole situation. Just a flurry of raw emotions I guess. Lust. Appeal. Attraction. Desire. Mix that with hormones on top of the residue of loneliness and that's what you end up with I suppose. I don't really expect anything. I'm just waiting for the joy of our concoction to fade. Desire still tingles on our lips..lust still lingers on our tongues. That's it. It just still tastes good for the time being. But I had fun. That's for damn sure, no regrets. I think we see eye to eye now. There's more of an understanding. It's more stable. I'm thankful for that. I learnt me a thing or two, ahyuck hyuck.

 

Now..on to more serious matters. Mark 3 hunter or some shoes? Decisions, decisions...

 

I know I'll probably go with the former. What are shoes anyway? I need a play thing that doesn't come with hormones and emotions.

[veneratio]

I'm also thankful her mother didn't stab me with a meat thermometer. She was decent, we made some conversation and jokes, though I can tell she still doesn't care for me. Fine.

 

I'll be so glad to start my job. No one has any idea. I just wanna be on the rig. I yearn for it. Then I know..once I get there I'll want to play on the big boy rig.

 

Also decided against the gun for now. I think I need to get in a few more range sessions. It's only $20 a pop, not too shabby, right?

[veneratio]

iyvefsgyfuafgbyaegbahgbakhgabuh AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I must be a damn masochist cause I miss her like hell.

[veneratio]

Thank God I didn't get my hopes up, huh?

[veneratio]

People and their crap, lol. Just wait till you gotta come crashing down, then what? Still gonna be high and mighty? Above all no matter what? Still gonna scoff and turn your nose up? You're flesh and blood just like the rest of us. And your colon is full of shiz, too. No different. Same smell. Maybe even more rank. But it's all good, not my problem. Cause if it was I would take care of it, like come at me bro, right? I'll play the part.

 

Maybe that's partially what I'm so angry about. I can't stand injustice. I know..I just want to be all happy and purple like barney. Hugs and love for all. I know it never goes away, but knowing that doesn't make it any better. It doesn't automatically go away. I can joke, I can poke fun at myself, I can laugh and pretend it's all good, laugh at it all. I can strive to be the best that I can be in whatever the situation calls for. Go to work everyday, maybe even get married have a couple of kids...whatever. Be an awesome, invincible, gung-ho firefighter. Doesn't change how I feel about most people.

 

Rorschach, yeah? If all the scum of the earth had one throat and I could wrap my hands about it...believe me, I'd put the world to sleep. Sandman.

 

Can't believe some people, lol. Who am I though, right? Not the guy that thinks he's better than someone simply because I can't relate. I don't know..maybe I just can't understand the joy and glory of kicking the hell out of someone because I feel like I'm superior for whatever reason, and it's a notch in my belt I got from gotta-feel-good-about-myselfville.

 

I know I'm playing that part right now, thinking I'm above those with insecurities. But I've been riddled with insecurity. I'm sure some of it still lingers, so I haven't an ounce of understanding for that. No excuse for it, besides that you must lead a craphole life if that's how you gotta react to people. And I understand it loud and clear. I've always envied those who could welcome handouts, without worry, those free of pride. It would make things a hell of a lot easier. But I stopped. I'm not above them, what makes you think you are? lol.

 

Who cares, though? Who the hell am I? Wyatt Earp? A peacemaker? Big bird? Kai-lan? Talking about people's feelings and whatnot? I'll take matheson.

[veneratio]

My teams..always let me down..lol. You gotta have heart to like bay area teams.

 

It really shouldn't be this hard to know if you want to take a chance on someone. I don't think there should be that much doubt..if there is..then maybe it just isn't meant to be.

[veneratio]

I'm being more whiny than usual today.

 

When I dislike someone, I really dislike them. I don't like that about myself. But it is what it is. And I guess I shouldn't really dislike that about myself, because it takes an awful lot for me to not like someone. And yes, it irritates the hell out of me when she defends some dbag that made her feel like crap on top of manipulating her emotions for his own arrogance. The guy wants to appear as the hero when it comes to me, but lets his friend disrespect not only her, but her mom as well. Doesn't get any lower than lying to someone's parent, not paying them for rent when you said you would, pretty much just using the two of 'em..but that's ok, right? You can defend the guy that wont play the hero in that situation, yeah?

 

Don't worry. I never keep these things to myself. It just helps to vent it out a little bit beforehand.

 

lol..it just doesn't help that I don't like the guy, but I really don't take well to threats. Despite the context. Who does?

[veneratio]

The more serious she gets, the more scared I become. I've been so certain that she'll just change her mind in a heartbeat that I haven't really considered the what ifs. What if she doesn't change her mind? Kinda scary. The idea of losing my freedom..of giving a relationship my all even during bad times. But it's a silly idea, right?

[veneratio]

I guess it isn't such a silly idea. I might be making a huge mistake, I don't know. Maybe not, but whatever..I'm going with it.

 

It's weird. I said I wouldn't take her back, said if I did it would take a lot on her part. It's weird to look back on all the threads I made about it..her..how I was feeling...how she made me feel. And now here I am. It's just really strange when I sit back and think about it all.

 

It isn't all gravy that's for sure. She's still got some kinks to work out, as do I. I can say it's a hell of a lot better than it was before, not just cause it's fresh either.

 

Whatever. I have to find a deadlift friendly gym cause mine just banned deadlifts and olympic lifts, so screw that noise. There's no way I'm giving up my deads and cleans. It's so tough trying to find a deadlift friendly one, though. PF and 24 don't allow them and that's pretty much all we have around here. Hopefully something comes up. Might just have to buy an olympic bar and some weights.

[veneratio]

Yeah..it's looking like I'm going to have to buy a bar and a few weights. Should've done that in the first place.

 

So glad I didn't write anything in here last night..it would've been so dramatic. I can say that now that I'm ok. Just hold your head up and push through. Just tired of the ups and downs. I'll take that as a reminder that you can only depend on yourself. No matter what you may think, when it comes down to it that's all you have. The only constant.

 

Really gotta work on speaking. Them there public speaking skills ain't the best.

[veneratio]

I'm freakin juiced!!! Can't wait for tonights game, excited to see who our opponent will be. Don't really keep up with detroit or phoenix, so I don't know what their game is like. Guess I'll find out, though.

 

I went to SF over the weekend, caught BART there. While I was still in the ticket area, the train was approaching so I had to dash through the station, then up the escalator to the train. That was just a few yards, yet it felt as if I ran a mile. I had that puking sensation in my belly. Awesome. So, I'm quitting cigars after I smoke the last two that I have. I'm quitting the pipe for the time being. I've really gotta get into shape. I knew there had to be a reason I missed my pre academy class. Yes, I believe all things happen for a reason, and that was it. There's no way in hell I would be ready for a fall academy in the shape that I'm in now. Pretty sad. I've got a nice body, no doubt. I'm strong, but my endurance is ugly as hell. Just an ugly picture. Straight to the treadmill I go, none of that bike bs, and as I said, up the hills once they're no longer muddy. Not trying to break my neck. I knew my cardio sucked, but not that much. Huge wake up call.

 

I should go price bars today, but I really don't want to do anything. Been sitting on my butt all day. Should've gone to get my shirt..didn't. Just feeling meh.

 

There's talk of me moving down to socal. I would love to. I'm nervous about it, and I have to get all of my crap together, but I'm pretty much down for it. I've been itching for a change of scenery. I don't know, but I'm definitely looking into it.

 

I need some energy.