Look at my red hands and my mean face

[veneratio]

And then you realize that what's right or fair or just doesn't really matter when everything is settled within. I wanted to walk along the shoreline, while you wanted to venture deeper into the woods. Maybe vice versa. Or maybe I wanted to stay and enjoy the views from my mountain top and you were ready to come down. Whatever the case..all that has settled. It's a nice feeling. Just another valley I had to go through, right?

 

I pray to God that tomorrow goes ok. I need it. Would make things so much easier.

 

On a lighter note, I watched an episode of Go Diego Go today. I haven't laughed that hard at a TV show in quite awhile. "That fox speaks spanish!" I just facepalmed and laughed. And you wonder why people grow up and do drugs? Sure as hell aren't too many bilingual animals around when you're sober...

[veneratio]

That went better than expected, but lets hope it isn't too good to be true.

 

So I went on my first official date this past weekend. Fail. I mean it wasn't terrible, but it wasn't great. But there are more lined up, maybe those will have better results. Whatever the case, I feel so much better. Not because I'm finally getting responses, lol, but just enjoying my freedom. Freedom to go on fail dates, freedom to flirt, freedom to do whatever I want. It's nice.

 

But there's always something I'm chasing after, and I think I might fall short. I'm going to try my best not to, but I don't think it's smart to go after it, but I want to. I always want what I can't have, shouldn't want or whatever isn't easy to attain. I don't know. But I know you know exactly what you're doing. You've gotta. I'm just not sure why you're doing it, but I'll figure it out. I do wish you'd wanna go for a test drive..just try it out. I just want to say that I have. Is that terrible?

[veneratio]

I made a choice and now I have to stick with it. I feel that there isn't a need for that type of negativity to be around me. Now that I know it doesn't chalk down to you being shy/reserved, but rather the fact that you're rude/unfriendly and you're totally aware of it and just don't care. There's no need for it. I don't have a use for it. Don't want any part of it. I won't turn my back, because that's not who I am, but hanging out...what's the point? So heaven forgive me if it's wrong of me, but right now I feel like it's the best decision.

[veneratio]

^ But man was she right about her. Typical emotionally immature woman. I thought I could avoid that by aiming for older women, guess not. I so wish I batted for the other team sometimes. But then I realize what I would be missing, lol.

 

I did go on a date last night. It actually turned out pretty well. I wont normally date younger women and I kind of didn't want to hang out with her because of that, but I'm so glad I did. I had a lot of fun and she's a sweet girl. Up until she grows fangs, right?

 

We had a little bonfire on one of the beaches that's along the California coastline. It happened to be a super clear day along the coast, so we were able to watch the sunset. It was nice. I came home smelling like fire and girl. Aren't those the same?

[veneratio]

You ever go through your contacts and see a few new names that you don't remember at all and wonder just what the hell you did the prior night? Holy mackerel. Delete. Delete. Delete.

[veneratio]

Can't knock something until you try it, right?

 

I gave it a shot..for what? A week? And it was so much fun. Until her age started to show. I can say that I now understand why some guys go for younger girls. It definitely has its perks, but it has its cons as well. Huge. Looming. Cons. Like a boeing 747 aimed directly at your face. Some guys can look past those cons..work around them..and it works out well for them. I am not one of those guys. I HATED high school, the only thing that kept me going was baseball. What made me think I would like dating and dealing with an 18 year old? It was great until a problem would arise. And once one did it was like lunch period at high school all over again. And instead of escaping all of that by finally getting a car, you escape it by walking the hell away. I can't do it..couldn't do it. Most women play enough games as it is and I thought those were bad. This was like being stuck on the board game aisle at toys r us. A never ending board game aisle. Of torture. It's like that special place in hell that you go to..where your arms aren't long enough to eat the food in front of you...so you starve for eternity.

 

"Do you want to go to the mall with me?"

 

I'd rather die.

 

There's a reason why I've never dated anyone younger than me.

[tiredofvampires]

Just out of sheer curiosity...if you don't mind sharing...what are the "perks"?

 

Because I was that age once, and though I was slightly (just slightly, ha) atypical, I'm not sure what the perks would have been. The only thing that was "perk"ier then were various body parts. Um...is it more than that, lol?

 

I'm just interested to know what, in your view -- as a guy -- you would see a girl of 18 having that a more mature girl would not (and could not) have going for her. What you think other guys might list, since you are identifying somewhat with them in the "perks assessment" department.

[veneratio]

For me, her naivete was a perk. She didn't have baggage. Didn't have a grudge against the world. Hasn't been hurt too badly. I don't know..life just hasn't "gotten" to her yet pretty much. Besides her little 18 year old attention games, she's innocent. For the most part. That's the only perk for me. She's fun..refreshing. And yeah, she does have a nice body, lol. But I've seen many an older woman whose bodies are right there with hers, so I don't consider that a perk.

 

But that's not to say that an older gal can't have that same attitude. I just don't come accross it often.

 

As far as other guys..of course the typical "young girls are impressionable" deal. They're eager to please. Easier to control. Easy to please. They're fun. You'll do no wrong in their eyes. I forget the others, but that's all coming from guys I know telling me to go for it.

[veneratio]

"It is circumstances which show what men are. Therefore when a difficulty falls upon you, remember that God, like a trainer of wrestlers, has matched you with a rough young man. "For what purpose?" you may say, Why, that you may become an Olympic conqueror; but it is not accomplished without sweat." - Epictetus

 

So keep going..and don't look back, but don't forget what you've learned from the opponents and struggles you've already conquered.

[veneratio]

I wasn't sure where to put this. I thought maybe in the getting back together section or the healing after break up section, but then I realized the state of mind I was in when I was browsing those sections. I didn't really see what people were writing, but rather what I wanted to see or read. I figure if you stumble upon my journal maybe you’ll be more open to what I write. Plus, it’s always better if you can learn from others mistakes rather than have to go through the experience all on your own or even repeatedly.

 

My ex is engaged, and no, I wasn’t snooping. As is always the case people feel the need to tell me these things. Not sure why you would tell someone that. It isn’t exactly good news, but I responded better than I thought I would. It made me come to some realizations, so it actually turned out to be a good thing. It stung like hell at first. It left me feeling a little sore afterwards as well. Much like getting a shot. But for the most part, getting a shot never killed anyone. It mostly has a positive result. Then once the shock wore off, I started to think and got lost in my thoughts.

 

First, I have a huge ego. I wont hesitate to admit that. I know it can get me in trouble because it affects my judgment. I was forced to let go of something..someone..that I was clutching onto. It was ripped from my hands from someone else while it gave that someone else aid. It screwed with my ego. And having no say in the matter made it that much harder to let go. With that said, I look back and realize that before the break up, I wasn’t happy with her. I wanted to be with her because I loved her and that’s what kept me. I didn’t trust her, I didn’t like a lot of her values and for the most part the idea of marrying her scared me. A part of me wanted out, another part of me wanted to stay because I cared for her and didn’t know anything else. Had it been a mutual, clean break up..I probably wouldn’t feel this way. I mean..I know I wouldn’t. I would miss her, sure, but I wouldn’t have had the struggles I’ve had thus far.

 

Secondly, and I’m sure I’ve said this somewhere in here, but every person has basic human rights from birth. Such as the right to flee from pain, the right to provide shelter for oneself, the right to provide food for oneself and the right to the pursuit of happiness. Being married..finding a husband was a big thing for my ex. It was important to her for whatever reason. So she found someone local who she happens to like. Just basic human rights. And I’m sure if some dumpees looked back and took some time to reflect, maybe your ex had things that were important to them..that maybe they wanted to pursue..maybe they wanted to flee and look for better shelter..happiness. Marriage isn’t the end all be all for me. That isn’t important to me. I want more out of life than having the title of ‘husband’. Not even sure what it is that I want, but it isn’t that. I honestly don’t know if I can pull off a routine life. I know that I can’t right now. I know that I have a ways to go before that.

 

And I realize that I can’t control people. And why would I want to? I can’t make anyone do anything. I can’t control karma or whatever you want to call it. Every person has their own pursuit and that happens to be hers. I can’t sit here and worry myself silly over someone’s karma. The only thing that I can change is how I react. How I live. The only boat I can sail is the one I’m captain of. You control your happiness…not anything or anyone else. You control how you react to things. I don’t want to be bitter or mad or spiteful because of her success. Good for her. No one ever got anywhere by being negative and speaking ill of others. That’s not how I want to be seen. Not how I want to be. How can you raise yourself up while you put others down? What good comes out of that? Besides showing just how ugly your innards really are.

 

I’m just done playing the victim role. Don’t wait for your ex to come around, don’t wait or hope for vengeance as hard as that may be, try your best not to dwell on it..the questions, the what ifs, the hows and whys…don’t let your mind wander so far off that it’s out of reach for even yourself. It may be a simple idea for others to grasp, but happiness truly does come from within. Not from justice or vengeance or winning (sorry Charlie) or another person. You can’t control any of that. You’re the only thing that you can change. The biggest obstacle..the toughest opponent..is that ugly grey thing inside your noggin. As cheesy as that may be.

 

”A man so painfully in love is capable of self torture beyond belief” Smart man. Hope someone hears me out, even if it comes through as just a whisper. It’s been rough, hate to imagine anyone else walking that same path.

 

I know it’s way easier said than done. After giving all of yourself to someone for so long and being willing to give that much more and having it thrown in your face. It can tear apart a man’s soul. But you can’t reverse that..might as well pick up a towel and wipe it off. No one wants to talk to someone with anger and bitterness splattered all over their face.

 

I’m happier than I’ve been in awhile. It’s nice. And the cards in my hand aren’t all that great. It’s all just a choice. There’s so much else around you to appreciate. Right in front of you. And it’s insane how far one small decision can take you.

[veneratio]

I reiterated a lot in that last entry, but sometimes it's needed. Maybe I didn't fully understand before, but I do now. I've had some good..great conversations with people. Its kinda funny looking back, or I can find the humor in it at least, as I can with most things. I recall a few people pretty much saying that its probably for the best or a blessing in disguise. I'd be like, "you POS, everything that I've planned so far..the love of my life is gone..left me for someone else..and you're gonna tell me its a blessing? What the hell kind of ahole are you?" Haha. Its funny now, but I was so mad when people would tell me things like that. Easy for them to say, right? No one turned their heart into a port-a-potty.

 

Willpower can be the difference between life or death. That's a drastic and cheesy example, but its so true. You ever talk to a war vet? Or a cop? Its crazy hearing about people being so close to death, yet they muster up the willpower...enough courage to push through.

 

Its easy to sit here and feel sorry for myself. Very easy. Takes some effort to push those thoughts from your mind..but were all capable of it.

[JonasWaingaro]

Ahem, I hear you man. I found out a few weeks ago my ex got married. Probably to the guy she left me for. It stung like nothing else. I'm still a bit hurt if I'm honest. Everything you say here is spot on and resonates with me. I have nothing to add to your post but wanted you to know that someone read this and understands. Really understands. I ain't easy hearing these things. That's for damned sure.

[tiredofvampires]

That's really interesting from a guy's point of view. Illuminating. Especially that last part -- when I was younger, this is what I felt was going on, but it was never explicit. I think as guys mature, they want some of these things less and less -- and start to realize a girl without her own mind can become very boring over time. But it's a very individual thing. Some guys want to control until the day they die.

 

It's good to know most of what you listed about being younger...I still gots.

 

I think you've had some pretty amazing realizations about your ex that can serve you beyond even issues of relationship pain. Yes, it's true -- some of the greatest truths sound corny, hokey, and cheesy, but that's because a lot of people have found them and enunciated them. You don't really "get it" until you GET IT. And then when you do, it's humbling.

 

I often hear the catch-line, "Happiness is a choice." I still go through ups and downs with that, and other like statements. For whatever truth they contain, they still irk me to no end, haha. Sometimes these things sound trite because they're just too SIMPLISTIC. So to say that happiness is a "choice" invalidates something that's also true: we can't always create the circumstances that would bring us happiness. We can't always create situations that will be conducive to happiness, even if we put our best foot forward. But in all circumstances, we do have a choice to be free of the thought that we NEED this particular thing/person/situation to be at peace. Finding peace in any situation and its givens by accepting that it is as it is, is possible (though some situations are far more "objectively" challenging than others). And from there...that freedom then brings a feeling of happiness (in the best way that I've experienced/understood that emotion).

 

It's really about the freedom to know that you're not locked in to any outcome. ANY outcome. That, to me, is unshakable. But it has universal application -- whether it's about a love affair, or a job situation, family and friends...or even health and life itself.

 

So easy to say...so hard to put into practice. But once you have the template...you can remember it and use it again.

 

Bravo.

[veneratio]

Ahem, I hear you man. I found out a few weeks ago my ex got married. Probably to the guy she left me for. It stung like nothing else. I'm still a bit hurt if I'm honest. Everything you say here is spot on and resonates with me. I have nothing to add to your post but wanted you to know that someone read this and understands. Really understands. I ain't easy hearing these things. That's for damned sure.

 

Sorry to hear that, Jonas. That's a hurt I don't even wish upon an enemy. It's definitely not easy hearing these things, but we push through.

 

That's really interesting from a guy's point of view. Illuminating. Especially that last part -- when I was younger, this is what I felt was going on, but it was never explicit. I think as guys mature, they want some of these things less and less -- and start to realize a girl without her own mind can become very boring over time. But it's a very individual thing. Some guys want to control until the day they die.

 

It's good to know most of what you listed about being younger...I still gots.

 

I think you've had some pretty amazing realizations about your ex that can serve you beyond even issues of relationship pain. Yes, it's true -- some of the greatest truths sound corny, hokey, and cheesy, but that's because a lot of people have found them and enunciated them. You don't really "get it" until you GET IT. And then when you do, it's humbling.

 

I often hear the catch-line, "Happiness is a choice." I still go through ups and downs with that, and other like statements. For whatever truth they contain, they still irk me to no end, haha. Sometimes these things sound trite because they're just too SIMPLISTIC. So to say that happiness is a "choice" invalidates something that's also true: we can't always create the circumstances that would bring us happiness. We can't always create situations that will be conducive to happiness, even if we put our best foot forward. But in all circumstances, we do have a choice to be free of the thought that we NEED this particular thing/person/situation to be at peace. Finding peace in any situation and its givens by accepting that it is as it is, is possible (though some situations are far more "objectively" challenging than others). And from there...that freedom then brings a feeling of happiness (in the best way that I've experienced/understood that emotion).

 

It's really about the freedom to know that you're not locked in to any outcome. ANY outcome. That, to me, is unshakable. But it has universal application -- whether it's about a love affair, or a job situation, family and friends...or even health and life itself.

 

So easy to say...so hard to put into practice. But once you have the template...you can remember it and use it again.

 

Bravo.

 

I definitely want those things less and less the older I get. A girl without her own mind really is a boring thing. I just wanted to be like, "don't you care about ANYTHING?" No. She's a funny girl, though. I asked her what she wanted to do with her life and she told me she wanted to be a housewife. That she never wanted to work. No, not a stay at home mom, a housewife. I laughed. That's one of the few times I've experienced honesty like that, haha.

 

And as far as my ex, yeah. I can't always create circumstances with a happy result, but I can choose how I react to those circumstances. And that's all I've got. That's my only weapon to wield to circumstance. I feel better about it, way better than the night I found out that's for sure. It's a nice feeling realizing I don't need her or anything from her to be ok, or happy, or justified. I'm not sure, just been feeling a lot better despite other things contributing to my situation. Maybe it's the nice weather.

 

That's refreshing that you still have what I listed, ToV. Hope you hold on to 'em. I'm sure you will, though.

[veneratio]

I guess I deserved that, haha. I know I was an ass. I don't respond well to games and dishonesty. If I can dish it out, then I can take it, so I can't point the finger solely at her. Red flags were all over the place..and what do I do? Just keep marching along hoping for the best. That's a huge no-no, ven. Let's not do that next time, please?

[veneratio]

Well I thought about what I did and said more. I finally pushed my pride aside and apologized. There's no need to be an ass despite all the games and dishonesty. I can still strive to be a decent human being I guess. I wasn't expecting an apology on her end and I didn't get one, lol. That's life.

 

Might be time for some Sinatra.

[veneratio]

So I'm pretty sure I gave my number out to the whole bar. I have all these unsaved numbers texting me asking me what happened, what am I up to today. I don't even know who you are..I have no recollection of any conversations. AND I lost my debit card. I think it's safe to say it's time to give myself some limits. Not fun.

[veneratio]

The one. The One. "The One".

 

You never think that you'll get over "The One". I never thought so at least, and maybe you never truly do. After all, I do think of her at least once a day, but the love has faded. It's not gone, but it doesn't burn with a fury, with a full bodied smoke of bitterness and vengeance. It's a small ember buried under a pile of twigs. And if I'm completely honest, that ember could ignite those twigs if handled by experienced hands, but not with ease. Could, but wont.

 

Remember that neutral feeling I wanted to attain? I'd say I'm 85% there. Hell, maybe even 90.

 

Life is just going to beat the crap out of you sometimes, honestly. Some more than others. And maybe you aren't the type to fight back, fine. But you always have to get up. It ain't fun down on the ground, I know that much. Not always easy pulling yourself back up, either, I know. My life isn't the best right now, there are so many things that are unsure that were certainties a few months ago and it has taken a toll on me. But I'm trying to make the best of those things. I could be a little chump about it, and complain and moan about how it's so unfair, cause yes, it does suck, but it isn't the end of the world.

 

Getting a little off topic. I met someone. A nice gal. Finally someone older than me because I have a mommy complex. And she's awesome. Came with some baggage, though. Smokes and has kids. The smoking part isn't a big deal, but the kids...that took some time for me to accept. And had I not looked past those two things I would've missed out on something great. We just...click. Not in the "omgz we finish each other's sentences" sort of way. In the "we work well together" way. All I know is I'm happy. Happier than I've been in awhile.

 

Just keep pushing through. At some point it becomes worth it.

[veneratio]

Here comes the smolder. And finally the ashes. I'd say neutrality has reached at least 97%. I feel so much better than I did in that last post. I wish I could bottle up this feeling and distribute it to those who are hurting or experiencing something similar to what I did. It all works out in the end. Really.

 

And that's not because it's an easier situation. Because it isn't. At all. I'm still a kid myself in some ways. How to raise a kid or be a parent or be in a parental role is something so foreign to me. I'm trying, though. Stresses me the hell out sometimes if I'm honest. We're a good match, though. I need someone who calls me out on my crap and doesn't resort to running away in whatever form that may be or just being a flat out witch about the situation. Plus it's nice to be with someone whose family actually likes you, haha, it's SO refreshing. I finally know what I've been missing out on. It's just a nice feeling to love and have it reciprocated. I don't mean to compare and contrast, but it definitely makes you realize how healthy or unhealthy your past relationships have been.

 

Crazy how I got here. I could've just as easily passed this up and sat in my puddle of misery. Wondering and wondering why people do the things they do. Never finding the answer. Never being satisfied with it. Waiting for someone else to push me..or pull me out of my puddle. However vast the darkness, we must supply our own light. - Kubrick

 

You supply your own light. Not excuses or reasons. Not words that fall from an ex's lips. Not your friends or family. Or whatever else. Just you. And that "darkness" isn't just referring to my ex. Things got ugly in my life for awhile, haha. Still are. I was laid off on April 1st, big joke, right? You have to be one heartless son of gun to lay someone off on April Fools. That, or the biggest troll ever. I knew about it for awhile and was looking for work. I landed two interviews. Nailed the one I thought I failed miserably at, said I was their top interviewer. Failed the one I thought I did alright in. So I got hired with the same company, but part time, so no benefits, but I did get a raise. I put off filing for unemployment because it's a crappy feeling, but I finally had to file cause I got screwed out of training hours and I can't work in the field and put in actual work hours until that time is done, but with the way things are going that wont be done for quite some time. So, it's a big stress trying to stretch money and knowing I'm probably only going to get one paid training day per week. BS. BUT, I am attending a fire job fair this weekend, so hopefully something comes from that.

 

Gotta supply your own light. There's always going to be someone waiting to screw you over..no lube. OH, the awesome thing about all of this? The location that I work out of now has a SWAT team. Oh, I'm definitely hitting the gym..the hills. It's happening. That's my new goal, make SWAT.

 

So that's what has been going on with me. And somehow during all of that I managed to forget about my taxes. So off I go.

[veneratio]

A bee decided to sting me today. In my chest. As I was driving on the freeway. It hit my window, got busted up, landed on my chest and stung me then I wiped it off and it landed between my seat and the center console. Then I went about my way like nothing happened. 20 minutes later that jerk was flying around inside of my truck. THAT'S when I freaked the hell out. I threw my hat at it, it smeared some more on my door panel and was still alive. I pulled over and flicked it off my door. You may have freaked me out a bit, enemy bee, but I didn't scream like a girl this time. HA. VICTORY IS MINE. Conquering one bug at a time. I should be knighted.

 

I have my first shift with my training officer in about an hour. Let's hope I don't die and can last for 12 hours.

[tiredofvampires]

Sir Veneratio. (has a ring, doesn't it?)

 

Sir Veneratio and The Invincible Titan Bee. (or, maybe the Hydra Bee?)

 

That was great.

 

But you know...don't you imagine a hive of mourning, now?

 

"Our Leader, Our Great Warrior has fallen."

 

There will never be another like he, The Dogged Bee.

[veneratio]

Definitely the hydra bee. Fallen, but never forgotten. He became a legend that day.

[veneratio]

Kids are way too much. A convo between my friend and her son:

 

mom: nap time

son: no thank you

mom: excuse me?

son: you're welcome

 

He's only 3. I thought it was hilarious. God bless his future teachers.

[veneratio]

After a love making session, infused with Barry White, my girlfriend is like, "you're good in bed....why do people say that?" Then takes a second and comes back with, "No, you're good in my vagina."

 

I just shook my head and laughed, but in my head I felt like Tiger Woods on the green making an ever so subtle victory fist. Maybe more like the success baby. I don't know, but that's an awesome compliment. Foul and awesome, all at once.

[veneratio]

I don't think there are very many people who know what their girlfriends sisters lips feel like. Not ex girlfriend. Current girlfriend. As of last night i've joined the few. I honestly thought I was going to feel tongue. It got awkward. So awkward the words, "you seriously need to get your lips off of my boyfriend" were uttered.

 

I really don't know what i'm doing with my life, lol. But I was pretty much molested by two women, neither of which were my girlfriend.

 

And believe me, if I could've stopped it I would've. God knows where those lips have been.

 

Fun filled night.