NorthDallas40 Posted August 17, 2009 Share Posted August 17, 2009 I've been dating a foreign girl Mary for the past 5 weeks who is due to leave the country for good in about 2 weeks. When we met, we both knew that she would be gone by that time. From our conversations she also seemed rather blasé about sex and relationships, so I assumed that we would just enjoy our time together until then and not get too serious. And we still haven't mentioned the "L" word. Besides, though we have a lot in common and I like her a lot, from the beginning I didn't see any longterm prospects and I figured she felt the same. Well I may have been wrong about that. Last night she got upset that I didn't seem more concerned about her leaving, thinking that I didn't care one way or the other, and that maybe it would be better if we didn't see each other anymore before she left. I told her that I did care, and the prospect of not seeing her between now and when she left would be very upsetting to me. She wasn't really convinced though, and this morning she just said "we'd talk" in a few days. So I feel bad for possibly leading her on, but I thought we were on the same page. Am I being unfair & selfish for wanting to see her but not getting more emotionally attached? Link to comment
annie24 Posted August 17, 2009 Share Posted August 17, 2009 ick. have been in a similar situation as well. i think it would be good if you sat down and talked with her about where you think this relationship is (or isn't going) just so you two can get on the same page. whether or not you choose to continue the relationship depends on how you guys feel, if you can afford a long distance relationship, if one of you would be willing to relocate, etc... Link to comment
shikashika Posted August 17, 2009 Share Posted August 17, 2009 yeah long distance sucks... even if you think you might see each other again it just ends up not only in relationship ending, but any sort of contact-relationship ending. (speaking from personal experience of course! ) Link to comment
NorthDallas40 Posted August 17, 2009 Author Share Posted August 17, 2009 whether or not you choose to continue the relationship depends on how you guys feel, if you can afford a long distance relationship, if one of you would be willing to relocate, etc... Well she really wants to move to my city irrespective of me; she just loves it here. The likelihood of it is fairly slim because of the legal difficulties, but where there's a will there's a way, and I think if she wants it bad enough it could happen. I encouraged to do what she wanted to do. But I don't want a longterm relationship with her, and definitely not a long distance one. Hell, I just moved here 8 months ago to make a long distance relationship closer, and it fell apart. I'm not trying to repeat that experience! And most importantly, though we get along great, I just don't feel that "spark" with Mary that I felt with my ex. In the end, I still want to date around some more. But for the next two weeks, I'd love to spend time with her, and after that she's got a friend for life if she wants me to be one. Understandably, I don't know if she really wants that. Link to comment
annie24 Posted August 17, 2009 Share Posted August 17, 2009 as painful as it is, i would like to be told the truth. if you read my dating log, i fell for a guy who was leaving the country for a few years. i knew it when we met. i really liked him and would have tried long distance, with me moving out there (accross the ocean), if that was what he wanted. well, he kind of danced around the issue, so to me, no response IS my response! so.... i would have liked for him to be a bit more upfront about his intentions, what he was feeling, though i think he was kind of confused about what he was feeling too. anyways, i am rambling. the bottom line is if you don't see yourself with her in a long distance relationship, but you enjoy spending time with her until she leaves, and you would like to maintain a friendship (but not more), then i would just tell her that. i would be honest with her, even though it's going to hurt her. the truth is, no matter what happens, she'll get hurt. if you decide to have a long distance relationship, she'll get hurt as it's difficult. if you want to stay friends, that will hurt too. i feel, at least in my situation anyways, no matter the outcome, i was going to get hurt, one way or the other. there is no easy way out. Link to comment
HighRoad Posted August 18, 2009 Share Posted August 18, 2009 I am sorry but this all sounds very self-serving to me. You see her as a short term sexual relationship with no strings attached. How nice and convenient for you. Have you actually said this to her or did you carefully select that out of your conversations? Did you say to her what you said to us? that you aren't interested in her for much (because you just don't feel that certain - something? ah, yes! responsibility or morals), but if she is willing to sleep with you and have an absolutely no attachment relationship - then you are interested. I am really amazed that men will say this - that they dishonestly led on a woman by carefully omitting the real truth of what they wanted. And then, they act all surprised when women cotton on to what it was all along that you wanted - casual sex from someone you would never ever see again. Dude, would you treat a friend this way or better - how would you feel if your sister was being treated like this? Get a grip. You are using her and being dishonest - you did this intentionally as well. If you wanted to redeem yourself in the world's eyes - and possibly your own, you could sit down with her and be honest. But know that she will justifiably be angry because you have totally taken advantage of her and used her. Link to comment
HighRoad Posted August 18, 2009 Share Posted August 18, 2009 Ok, I apologise. I didn't really mean to go all off on you. Let's just hope that you are not having sex with her and are just having fun spending time with her. No sex, fun = ok for now. Sex, no future = very bad thing. Link to comment
NorthDallas40 Posted August 18, 2009 Author Share Posted August 18, 2009 In my defense, Mary was the one who found me online the day after we met because I didn't ask for her number that night. She is also the one who initiated sex on our first official date when I had gave her the option of simply dropping her off back home instead. If anyone was using the situation for no-commitment sex that night, it was BOTH of us, not just me. At ages 30 and 39 I think we're both mature enough to make that decision, as well as take responsibility for it. Besides, was I really expected to commit to an international long distance relationship after 3 weeks of knowing this girl? That's unreasonable to say the least. ESPECIALLY when the words "green card" are entered into the equation, a legitimate concern since she made it clear she wanted to move to this country but didn't really have any options to do so. In any case, after my original post I sent her an email saying that I liked her a lot, but wasn't interested in a longterm relationship. I said I'd still like to spend time with her until she left, but that I would respect her decision if she wanted to break things off. We had already discussed this last night & this morning but I sent the email just to make it clear. Link to comment
annie24 Posted August 18, 2009 Share Posted August 18, 2009 In any case, after my original post I sent her an email saying that I liked her a lot, but wasn't interested in a longterm relationship. I said I'd still like to spend time with her until she left, but that I would respect her decision if she wanted to break things off. We had already discussed this last night & this morning but I sent the email just to make it clear. this is good. maybe even if it's something she doesn't want to hear, it's better for her to know now rather than later. i think as long as you never led her on to make her think you want more than just some fun, then that's the important thing. Link to comment
NorthDallas40 Posted August 19, 2009 Author Share Posted August 19, 2009 To update: As I mentioned before, I emailed Mary saying I'd like to still see her until she leaves but that I'd understand if she didn't want to do that. And I think I made my feelings clear: "As much as I like you, I don't have strong enough feelings for you to carry on a serious relationship in the long term. I could try and sugarcoat it, but that's as honest as I can put it. I never wanted to lead you on or lie to you, and I hope you don't think I have." She texted back that she wanted to see me for an hour and get some things off her chest. I agreed, then she texted later that day that she really liked me, didn't expect things to go this far, wasn't sure about her feelings, etc. Long story short, she came over tonight at 9:30pm, we talked for a few hours about random stuff, had some wine, watched a movie, and kissed & cuddled a bit. Her friends picked her up at 2am because they had early morning plans, but we agreed that I'd meet up with them tomorrow night for drinks. Our relationship wasn't discussed at all, and we had a really nice time. Make of that what you will. Link to comment
annie24 Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 well, i guess that went as well as it could!!! it's not a fun situation, i was there a few months ago myself and still find myself hurting. oh well. hang in there and enjoy your last few weeks together. Link to comment
ultimateguy8 Posted July 16, 2013 Share Posted July 16, 2013 NorthDallas, not trying to dig up an old post, but just was wondering what happened with that woman? I'm in an almost identical situation right now. Link to comment
NorthDallas40 Posted July 16, 2013 Author Share Posted July 16, 2013 Oh wow - forgot I even wrote this thread! Anyway, when Mary left, we kept in touch via FB and for a few weeks she was obviously missing me a lot, messaging to ask if I thought we would have worked out we lived in the same city. I kinda deflected the question, saying that if we lived in the same town she'd never even bother with me because she was out of my league! She gave that an LOL and agreed, though probably just to save face. Since then, we haven't really communicated much but we comment on each others' FB & Instagram posts from time to time. I've had two serious gf's since she left, but as far as I can tell she hasn't had any LTRs. But I did get an email from her about 2 months ago saying she was going to be visiting my city soon, so I told her it would be great to meet up. Haven't heard from her since then though. Link to comment
ultimateguy8 Posted July 16, 2013 Share Posted July 16, 2013 Thanks for the response North...just found this to see if anything was similar to my current situation and this most certainly is. The girl I've been seeing for the past month is leaving in 2.5 weeks to go live in a big city a few states away where she has a 2 year obligation for a job. I really like her and would definitely date her but it seems like she isn't interested in a long distance relationship. I hope my situation turns out sort of like yours. I hope we can keep in touch and maybe sometime the road, rekindle everything when the timing is better. I'm only 22 and she is only 22 too so were both young but I've had an incredible time getting to know her. I know she likes me too but doesn't want either of us to get hurt when she goes. Link to comment
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