exback Posted August 13, 2009 Share Posted August 13, 2009 5.5 months ago after 4 years together (I am 23, he is 25) my first boyfriend left me after a fight about the CAR without officially breaking up with me. He just NEVER talked to me again. I tried to talk to him 5 weeks long till I accepted it was his way to break up and I gave up. 2 months later I wrote an email - got ignored. It was pretty hard for me during the last couple of months dealing with the situation - no answers, no closure, nothing, not a single word. My problem: during the last couple of months even so he never talked to me he used his friends to vent his anger. He told them that I tried to convince him to come back by all means, that I am annoying, nagging and so on and that it is my fault he couldn't study enough for university...He is badmouthing me in every possible way. The worst part: even people I don't even know, I have never seen before in my life, come to me an tell me: "You are xy!?. I have heard a lot about you from yz. You come off badly!!!!!" He deleted all my friends at facebook and so on... I know I shouldn't bother but it did affect me so badly that I was crying 2 days long after the last incident and was afraid to leave the house the next days. I didn't react a single time to his insults but after the last incidents and after crying and shaking all night long I decided to ask him POLITE to meet with me. I send him an email (2 days ago) asking how he is doing and that I would like to talk about something important and want to meet. HE IGNORED THAT EMAIL!!! I want him to stop torturing me. I didn't cheat, I didn't lie...I don't know what his problem is. I even stopped calling/contacting him and I didn't badmouth him at all. What can I do!? I thought about calling him if he does not reply to my request to meet till the end of the week since I don't even know whether or not he read my email or deleted it right away. What if he doesn't answer the phone!? How can I make sure he stops!? The situation is unbearable for me and I want it to end. Link to comment
savignon Posted August 13, 2009 Share Posted August 13, 2009 If he's someone who has twisted the situation the way he has and has ignored you and your feelings, then it's almost impossible that you would get what you want out of a meeting with him. So, don't torture yourself over that....you wouldn't hear what you want to hear and he's not gonna say, "you're right...I'll stop bad-mouthing you". It doesn't matter that he's removed your friends from facebook...that's between him and them. At 23, more mature people will not take stock in what he's saying about you....if they do, they're not worth the effort really and it doesn't matter what they think of you. "Those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter" Link to comment
exback Posted August 13, 2009 Author Share Posted August 13, 2009 That's true but I am pretty oversensitive about it since he is a person I still LOVE and I it feels just horrible. I know talking to him about what he does would make everything worse but I am not like Gandhi and I can't pretend it doesn't matter to me... Link to comment
annie24 Posted August 13, 2009 Share Posted August 13, 2009 hi - i am sorry to hear about what's happened. i would leave the guy alone, and stop contacting him. i don't know why he broke it off, and you may never know the reason. personally, i think after 4 years, you deserve an explanation, but you can't force him to talk, know what i mean (short of torture/interrogation techniques!! ) i would just accept that he wants things to be over and move on from there. with time, he'll stop badmouthing you and find new topics of conversation with people. time to move on..... Link to comment
exback Posted August 13, 2009 Author Share Posted August 13, 2009 Yeah...move on...that's exactly WHY I want him to stop bad-mouthing me. Every time that I felt great I met someone that told me what a horrible person I am considering what he told everyone about me. And all the time that takes me back to the beginning of "moving on" since I start crying and feeling horrible all over again... I think he needs to move on!!!! Link to comment
annie24 Posted August 13, 2009 Share Posted August 13, 2009 I think that the next time some random person at a party comes up to you and tells you what a crappy gf you were, just tell them, "there are 2 sides to every story, so don't believe everything you hear." then change the subject. Link to comment
trnscndntlst Posted August 13, 2009 Share Posted August 13, 2009 I'm sorry you feel that way. Right now, he is not in his rational mind and apparently he is not mature enough to tell you upfront what the problem is. And it is totally immature for him to even badmouth you just to make himself look good and feel better in the eyes of those people. He only sees you, your bad side and what you contributed for the relationship to go downhill and sees himself as the great one. Forgive those people who mocked you for they are ignorant. And wish that someday they'd pull their heads out of their behind. There is absolutely nothing you can do right now to make him change his mind. He is pretty much close minded at this point. Whatever you do will not affect him in a good way. It will just make him run a mile away farther from you with every step you take towards him. I know 4 years is not a joke and it will be harder on your side to cope with the loss. You cannot just garbage everything just like that. It will take time and a lot of mixed emotions. That is absolutely normal. I think someday you will come to realize that you were lucky enough to have dealt with it now by yourself, grieve by yourself, realize your own mistakes and accept everything by yourself. On his side, I'm sure right now he's fine and having fun telling everyone how bad you are but one day it will get back to him(karma) and that is even worse. I could not even imagine what he will become. The tables do turn, the world goes around and so does people's feelings. Keep your head up and think that you are in a better position now than he is. Link to comment
savignon Posted August 13, 2009 Share Posted August 13, 2009 It seems like odd behavior at 23 years old to say to someone "I know about you...you're awful", or repeating hurtful gossip or breaking up with someone by never speaking to them again or bad mouthing someone for months after a break-up ..... This is probably all a good thing in disguise...you don't need to feel any loss over perfect strangers acting like 10 year olds (in fact, I teach 10 year olds and hesistate to even use that age as a reference as THEY even seem more mature than these people!) Link to comment
Stella Sleepwalks Posted August 13, 2009 Share Posted August 13, 2009 Go NC and stick to it. I know how you feel - everyone who has posted knows how awful it is to be betrayed by someone who once loved us so much. Don't lose your dignity over this person, you need to respect yourself. Answers don't always lead to closure, they often just create more questions! Don't focus on him or the situation, focus on yourself and your friends. You will find the moment you start looking after yourself, the quicker you'll heal. Link to comment
INeedHelpFast Posted August 13, 2009 Share Posted August 13, 2009 I'm guessing after a while he'll get tired of it. He probably just wants to get a reaction out of you, so don't give it to him, and try to move on as hard as that is Link to comment
annie24 Posted August 13, 2009 Share Posted August 13, 2009 i think eventually he'll meet a new girl or have something new to gossip about and you'll be left in the dust. Link to comment
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