The thing I wanted the most but couldn't have...

[Klementine475]

Well, I tried, after 3 months of not hearing from him I managed to feel like a normal human being again. And then he came back claiming he couldn't be in our relationship cause he had depression problems and that he'll never hurt me again because he was taking care of it and that we have something special and that he wants to work on it and grow old with me. I really wanted to believe it, but after 3 times he left me it just seemed impossible to believe that he really loves me and wants to work it out with me. My insides just couldnt accept that. I spent 3 months after he left me that last time saying to myself that he's moved on and doesn't want me in his life and that he doesn't love me and in the end thats what I believed. I couldn't forget these thoughts whilst trying to work things out with him. I was already used to my freedom, my new place, started cooking school, started looking for jobs as a cook and I just felt that he was gonna ruin all that for me and that I need to do this on my own. But I did something. I don't know why because thats not the kind of person I am and I wouldn't have done it in another situation. Before he came back into my life I started seeing someone casually and really enjoyed myself because it wasn't heavy and it was what I needed at the time, and I kept seeing this guy from time to time while we were getting back togetehr, I don't know why, I'm so confused about it, because I don't cheat, I never cheated in my life, and I still can't find a reason to why I did this to him. So I stopped seeing that other guy and told my ex about it, and tried to explain to him that I really truly loved him and wanted to be honest with him in order for us to move on and be strong together. But he just distanced himself from me and I just new that that was it. So I invited him over and told him we should break up and he said he didn't love me anymore and that tore me apart because I never stopped loving him and as long as he loved me I was willing to do everything to make it work, it was just so hard to believe the words he was saying, that after a few days he felt he didnt love me anymore, I felt myself breaking to pieces just like that last time he broke up with me and I was so scared of feeling this way again after 3 times in the past in which he left me begging and pleading. It brought back all the pain, pain which took me so much time to forget and understand. I'm just so confused now, I don't know if I've done the right thing, and I dont know if what I'm writing is making any sense cause everything is so confused in my head, I love him so much still and I can't believe that this is it, that I'll never see him again and this time I cause it, theres no one to blame but me, and it will never be the same, I just want to get over this for the final time and feel normal again, but I've been through so much in the past months and I don't know if I have the strength to get back on my feet again, I'm so scared. So I'm turning to the only place of understanding that I found, this forum, maybe someone can reach out and make some sense in the confusion I am in. I'm just sick of feeling sorry for myself, I just need my head to be clear and know if I've done the right thing......thank you guys for all your support and help.

[lisaria]

Hey litoosh,

I'm sorry for the pain and confusion you're feeling right now. There's alot of us in that position right now. Stupid me just wishes he would call or email me or something. But that's another story.

You need to think about what you want now. Perhaps more no contact time so you can think things through. It sounds like you were doing pretty good and then he came back. Why does it seem to go like that? Just when you are getting past them and getting on your own feet again and then they come back all sorry and wanting to try it again, only to split when it gets bumpy. What is up with that? Who do they think they are?

Things get better with time. You have your good days and then those lousy bad days come along and you miss them so bad and everything reminds you of them. But you go on. You put one foot in front of the other and get through those days one minute at a time. You were apart for 3 months and you were getting your life back together (if I read it right) and then he came back and now he is gone again. Do I have that right? Now you have to start all over again with the hurting and the missing them even more, the loss of your dreams that came up when you got back together. The bs they put us through. We have to take back our power. Quit letting them have it!!! I'm working on that. I guess I just wanted you to know that you're not alone and we all wish you the best and this is a great place for venting and asking for advice. Take care.