A Fight

[hj2009]

Hi All,

 

Would appreciate an analysis of this situation, as I am truly baffled at the level of anger this caused my gf. Am I right to be upset that she's so mad, or am I at fault?

 

For some background info, we went through a bad period of fighting about a month ago, but the past few weeks have been much better... and up until today the past week was fantastic. I was honestly shocked when she got so mad tonight.

 

The detailed times in this may seem to be a lot, but the gf is upset about the timeline, so I have detailed it below.

 

Three key players are me, my gf, and our roommate, who is a guy and is a friend of mine. (Yes I know this is not an ideal situation, gf and I are moving out this month).

 

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I am chatting with the gf, who is at work. This is at 6:30 or so. We exchange cutesy messages, and I tell her I want her to come home. At 6:45, she signs off to come home. It takes almost exactly 30 minutes to get home.

 

At 7:15, roommate shows up and tells me he is planning to grill out back (we have a large shared backyard that can not be seen from the apt) with a couple of our mutual friends. He asks if I would like to join, and I say sure.

 

I head outside without letting the gf know, which I admit is a mistake, albeit I think a small one. I plan on coming back inside in a little bit to make sure she got home okay and to let her know what's going on.

 

At 7:45, I go back inside to see the gf. I kiss her, and talk with her a little bit. She tells me she made some spaghetti for me. I thank her, and let her know that we are grilling out back, and ask her if she wants to join. I also tell her I'll be sure to eat the spaghetti she made for me.

 

She is a little upset that I am already getting ready to eat (understandably) - but not too upset. I can tell this and I offer to go pick up soda for her from the grocery store after we finish grilling, since I know she has been dying to have soda recently. This makes her happy.

 

We finish grilling, eat, and head back inside. Gf is in the kitchen cleaning up, and I go in to help her. I offer to help, and she is reluctant and quiet. I help her clean, and my friends hang out in the living room.

 

I do not hang out with friends in living room at any point. Gf goes back into bedroom, and I continue cleaning kitchen. I then go to grocery store to pick up soda for her.

 

I come back with soda, and roommate + friends are just about to leave. I say bye to friends, and go into bedroom with gf. I try to talk to her, but gf seems upset and says she is mad that friends took TV area. I try to cheer her up by getting her soda, and she says thank you.

 

I ask her if she wants to shower with me, and she says not right now. I can tell she wants time alone. I shower, and then sit down to eat her spaghetti. She comes out, and I let her know I am eating her food (she usually loves that) and I ask her to come over for a hug. She basically blows me off, pretending not to hear me. I ask her what's going on and she says "nothing" in a way that means she is pretty upset. I mumble, because I am trying to speak but am very surprised by this.

 

She storms off, and slams the bedroom door. I go in and ask her what her problem is. She says I said something under my breath, and wants to know what. I tell her I didn't say anything, which is true. I tell her I was just very surprised she was so upset.

 

She then blames me for everything up to that point. She is pissed at me that my friends took the TV area without asking, and I tell her that I did not watch TV with friends, nor did I know she was watching TV until she told me later. I tell her I would have definitely asked my friends to move if she had let me know at the time.

 

She is very agitated at this point. She also blames me for not telling her what was going on when she got home, which I say I am sorry for. She continues to berate me for this, and I tell her that at the very most, it was half an hour and I think it's unreasonable for her to be so upset about that. She continues to yell at me.

---

 

I think it's understandable that she got a little upset at each point, but for her to erupt on me like that at the end I think was completely unjustified and completely took me by surprise. Throughout the night I had her in mind - I came in to let her know what was going on, I offered and went to the grocery store for her, I cleaned up for her, and I did not go out to the bar with my friends because I wanted to be with her.

 

?

[Krystallyn]

She sounds like she was overreacting quite a bit, but the story is biased as it is in your point of view. I would have to side with you for the most part but I can see why she may have been mad. She was mad that she cooked for you and didn't realize you guys were out back. She should have known though.. asked herself "where is my boyfriend" and looked for you before she started cooking. Besides, spaghetti is always reheat-able, right? I really wouldn't be angry at my boyfriend in this situation.

 

As for your friends hogging the tv? Maybe there was something specific on that she wanted to watch? She should have spoke up about that though. The apartment (or house) isn't hers, you share it with her and a roommate. She can't expect to have the living room all to herself. If she wants this, then you guys should move out. I'd let her settle down and try not to broach the subject again. She should be all better tomorrow morning, just be nice.

[sparkles4]

Your girlfriend's behavior seems pretty ridiculous. If she acts like this often, I'd consider getting a new girlfriend.

 

Maybe she had a bad day or something else was bothering her, and she took it out on you. Wait for her to chill out and try talking to her.

[waveseer]

You told her you wanted her to come home. Then you changed the plan without letting her know. She expected that you wanted her undivided attention but by the time she got there you had changed your mind. This hurt her feelings and eating her spaghetti was not enough to sooth them.

[Circe]

She sounds stressed. Is she over-worked?

[Bella20]

You told her you wanted her to come home. Then you changed the plan without letting her know. She expected that you wanted her undivided attention but by the time she got there you had changed your mind. This hurt her feelings and eating her spaghetti was not enough to sooth them.

 

^ this exactly.

 

Plus, you ate her spaghetti after showering? why not sooner?

[hj2009]

^ this exactly.

 

Plus, you ate her spaghetti after showering? why not sooner?

 

As I mentioned in my original post, I understand that she would be a little upset about me eating without telling her. I apologized for that immediately, and she seemed to be fine after. It was not until all the other events happened that she got really mad, and I think it's unfair for her to take everything out on me.

 

Her blowing up, slamming doors, yelling etc was not solely due to my one mistake. While it may have begun her being in a negative mood, I don't think that gives her any right to yell at me for everything else that ends up bothering her.

 

I offered to stay inside and eat her spaghetti with her, even before I went outside to grill. I don't think that had anything to do with her being upset, actually.

[oldenoughtoknow]

First of all...is she always like this? Or is this abnormal behavior for her?

 

You mentioned that you went through a period of arguments a month ago. Was is substantive, or just weird stuff like this?

 

It seems to me like she had different expectations for the evening. Have you talked to her since? Did she have a bad day at work? Maybe she was looking forward to making spaghetti and curling up on the couch in front the tv. The BBQ was unexpected. Then the living room full of friends was unexpected.

 

I think most normal, fun-loving people would enjoy this type of impromptu BBQ mini-party. Does she normally get upset when people stop by unexpectedly?

 

Why do you think she didn't join you outside for the BBQ? Does she not like the group of friends that was over?

 

And don't flame me for this one ladies, but does this BBQ disaster and your arguing one month ago, in any way, coincide with her period? It can make some women a bit cranky and hard to please.

[jazzykat]

And don't flame me for this one ladies, but does this BBQ disaster and your arguing one month ago, in any way, coincide with her period? It can make some women a bit cranky and hard to please.

 

Lol! Well I'm a lady - but I was also wondering the same thing? ;-)

[hj2009]

First of all...is she always like this? Or is this abnormal behavior for her?

 

Sort of. I think she takes her anger to an extreme sometimes, but usually not in a seemingly irrational way like this. I think she takes too long to get over things I do wrong, and I think she allows outside things to affect her mood and relationship with me too often. I also think she allows things to build up and then explodes too much.

 

But this one definitely surprised me some.

 

You mentioned that you went through a period of arguments a month ago. Was is substantive, or just weird stuff like this?

 

It was substantive for the most part.

 

It seems to me like she had different expectations for the evening. Have you talked to her since? Did she have a bad day at work? Maybe she was looking forward to making spaghetti and curling up on the couch in front the tv. The BBQ was unexpected. Then the living room full of friends was unexpected.

 

Nope. Have not spoken to her yet. She ignored me last night and didn't say goodbye to me this morning like she always does. Did not try to talk to me at all during the day either like usual.

 

Yes, I definitely think her idea/expectations of the night were different than what ended up happening, and I think that's a big part of it. I just don't appreciate that resulting in her flipping out on me.

 

I think most normal, fun-loving people would enjoy this type of impromptu BBQ mini-party. Does she normally get upset when people stop by unexpectedly?

 

Why do you think she didn't join you outside for the BBQ? Does she not like the group of friends that was over?

 

She is not highly fond of the group at the moment, though that is not true the other way around. This group of friends does like her a lot.

 

I think she just wanted to relax, and since she had already made food she wanted to just hang out inside. Plus she would have been the only girl.

 

And don't flame me for this one ladies, but does this BBQ disaster and your arguing one month ago, in any way, coincide with her period? It can make some women a bit cranky and hard to please.

 

The fights a month ago were not short-lived, so it wasn't solely due to that for sure. Not sure about right now - don't think it has hit quite yet though it may have been early. I thought next weekend.

[vivisection-8]

I see nothing wrong in your actions. You did not give her the cold shoulder here.

 

She seems a bit of a brat, hey? I mean how many times did you go back and try to console her....

[nina2009]

I do not know your girlfriend however it is obvious that her drama is deeper than a ruined evening. You've mentioned above that he tends to accumulate stress and then explode. May be it can help you if you try to understand "why" she does not react immediately when the "problem" is minor and instead keeps on adding more and more stuff until she can't hold it...

 

It could come out of two reasons: 1) she does not trust her own reactions and wants to swallow them without hurting you and fails all the time; 2) she desires to achieve a fake image of self-control by playing it cool when she is not comfortable. Basically both reasons are rooted in one problem - self-esteem. May be changing your focus from yourself (you did not do anything out of normal) to her will help you come to terms with her or at least to achieve some tolerance.

 

Also what can help - be more confident. Hold her best interests in mind and do not doubt it. If she explodes, just hold her hand and say "i am sorry you feel this way, my heart is breaking when you are so upset". And then go on with your life letting her cool down. May be a conversation could help. The considerate conversation, where you admit that you are ignorant about some of her emotions (do not call them "moods"), but you want to understand her, ask for her help to explain you what really bothers her.

 

If a woman becomes "difficult" it could be because she is hopelessly in love, has her insecurities and walks on edge all the time or when a woman is tired of a man and can not admit it to herself, then everything all of a sudden becomes annoying, because she is looking for justification of her loss of love feelings. It is important for you to understand "why" she is like that. Is it a result of her "normal" self or it is a result of her dying feelings.

 

One thing might be a reason to her perceptions. If she is a type who needs to be in control. You really can not change people. If she is this type and she is in situation where she can decide nothing (to the point that she can not even cook spaghetti for you exclusively) then I can see why she is so upset. She comes from work where she needs to perform for other people, where she is not in control as much as she wants. She comes home where he would like to be in control in order to relax, but she can't because of the situation. Your trying to accommodate her doesn't do much, because in a way it is also taking control out of her. She might want to be the one who "decides and gives" but it is impossible in the current situation. If that a case, then moving out would help. Also if you would keep on highlighting what she gives to you, why she is important for you, how she makes your life better might calm her down and sooth her drama.

[Rabican]

I think that women, (your case proves this) are a lot like a stick of dynamite. It only takes a small spark to make one hell of a big bang. Irrational? Yes. Is there anything you could have done differently? I doubt it. Wish it all you will, when you light the fuse, its gonna blow up. Regardless of how much you wish it wouldnt.

 

I think the best we (I saw we because I have similar blowups with my fiance... I think they are small potatoes, she thinks the worlds on fire) anyays, best we can do is apolagize, even if we dont mean it, and try find an alien race that can help us understand women.

[monkeygirl12]

if my bf treated me this way when I was mad. i would SO give in to him and forgive everything hes done most men are attentive to womens feelings and stuff..if all happened as you explained i would say you have a spoiled brat (no offense) in your hands.

[SamiJayne]

I don't see a problem at all.

 

When I return home, or if my partners due home. We would look for the other, and see what was going on before doing anything.

 

Before I go on.... Grilling... is that like with a BBQ?

 

If it is.. is your "out back" your garden? and is it a millon miles away? As Sorry... but we returned home on sunday from the movies, and I could smell as soon as I got out the car that the family were having a BBQ. So I went straight out back to help out.. and Help eat ofc...

 

How can you NOT smell it?!

 

Why would she make food.. without looking for you first? I always look for my partner say hey, and is this ok for food tonight? or oh we're having a BBQ!~

 

She should have said she had been watching the tv. Why didn't she tell the guys herself to stuff off?

 

My partners two brothers came in to the lounge when I was watching a program.. And turned it over without asking. I didn't say anything, as I felt like it wasn't my place as its there house not mine. But I didn't whine at my boyfriend either.. How would it be his fault?

 

I think you acted correctly, and she's lucky to have you. You are pretty damn good to her!

 

Question though... Did you eat the BBQ food... then eat spagetti? as if you did. Damn you really are lovely too her.

[amy99roo]

I have exploded like this over stupid things with my boyfriend a few more times than I'd like to admit. Typically the real problem is not the 'tv or spagetti'. Sounds to me like your bad fights a month ago are still on her mind.

 

Maybe something has been bothering her that she is having a hard time telling you? Instead, it is easier to be mad about spagetti...

[caro33]

I think that women, (your case proves this) are a lot like a stick of dynamite. It only takes a small spark to make one hell of a big bang. Irrational? Yes. Is there anything you could have done differently? I doubt it. Wish it all you will, when you light the fuse, its gonna blow up. Regardless of how much you wish it wouldnt.

 

I think the best we (I saw we because I have similar blowups with my fiance... I think they are small potatoes, she thinks the worlds on fire) anyays, best we can do is apolagize, even if we dont mean it, and try find an alien race that can help us understand women.

 

Not a fan of the word irrational being used like this. The problem, as you identify, would seem to be more that you don't understand the rationality, not that there is a lack of rationality. Women, on the whole, do not just explode for no reason.