Why do I feel so bad when I tell him "No"?

[FlareHeart]

My husband and I are very open with each other and don't hide too much. Therefore when I am not in the mood, I tell him that I am not in the mood. It doesn't happen very often...usually everything fits together well and everything is enjoyable, however, every once in a while, I just don't feel like it.

 

He gets very dejected and almost pouty when I tell him no, even though I only refuse once in a while. It seems almost like it's a guilt trip from him to try and make me feel like I shouldn't refuse. I mean, I know that I have a right to refuse, but, it still feels bad.

 

Does anyone have any advice? I know a lot of women fake it when their guy wants to go at it, but they aren't in the mood, is that better? I just don't know anymore. I used to think that faking it was the worse alternative, but now I'm not so sure.

[cruzer]

I would not let this get to you. He needs to grow up and stop trying to make you feel bad about it.

 

I would want you to be honest and tell me your not in the mood rather than anything else other girls may do.

[Anonymos]

I'm the same way. I always feel bad but I rarely ever give in...maybe if you did just try and do it anyway you'll find yourself actually getting in the mood and not having to fake it..that has happened to me too. But since you don't say no often.. try not to feel bad just make up for it next time

[DN]

It is important to try to make him understand that this is just an occasional thing for s specific reason at that time and that you have not lost, or are losing, attraction to him or sexual interest in him. So many men have heard too many stories from other men about how their sex life goes from good to bad to worse to non-existent after marriage - and there are many, many threads on here by men who are living proof of that.

 

It's all very well telling him to grow up - but the fear that this disinterest will increase is very often well founded and unless it is addressed can rapidly corrode a relationship.

 

As to feeling rejected - has he ever turned you down for sex? If so, how did you feel?

[cruzer]

If your relationship or marriage is based on sex, it wont last regardless if you do it daily or its dead.

 

If your so insecure about your looks, your only going to ruin your relationship. By something as stupid as, she does not want to have sex because now im ugly, or now your being insecure and questioning her and her guy friends.

 

How exactly can you feel rejected when your in a relationship with the person. if they did not want to be with you, did not like you, did not want to have sex with you, they would not be in a relationship with you.

[itsallgrand]

What do you usually do when he does the dejected and pouty thing? Do you talk to him about it ever?

 

There might be a way to point it out, express how you feel about that, and get his feedback on to why he is acting like that when you do say no.

Maybe he does need some reassurance, or even some stroking, to smooth out the process and so both of you can feel like it's not necessarily a negative experience when one of you says no.

[FlareHeart]

I very rarely turn him down, and he has never rejected me for sex, our relationship is very stable since nothing about it has changed since we got married. He is just very sensitive, and he always has been, so I just don't know whether to suck it up and do it anyway to keep him from feeling rejected, or whether to be myself and not fake it.

 

Sometimes I am not in the mood at the moment but know that I could get into the mood, those are the times that I don't refuse, the only time I refuse is because I know (based on my current state) that I couldn't get into the mood. I just don't know how much worse he would feel if he ever found out that I had faked it instead.

 

When he does the dejected and pouty thing, I usually talk to him because I know he feels insecure about himself. I try to smooth it out and reassure him that it's not him, it's me. But he gets this way every time, no matter how much I explain.

[loulee]

You only feel bad because he(hubbie) makes you feel this way. So eliminate Hubbie making you feel bad by reminding him that sometimes he should just respect your wishes without sulking.let him know it is by far not appreciated and and no time should you be made feel guilty about not wanting to be intimate on the odd occasion that you clearly dont..Alternately you could ask him on these occasions or on any occasion would he mind cooking dinner for the next few nights and doing the dishes as you may not feel like doing this either and see what he says..

[DN]

Well, you need to handle this with sensitivity. If you use words like 'pouty' it will not serve you - assuming you want to keep this marriage.

 

It is usually a mistake for one partner to act as the 'gatekeeper' for sex. Certainly you should not have sex if you really don't want it - but, whether you like it or not, every time you turn him down you corrode your marriage. And the more sensitive he is - the more corrosive it becomes. I suggest that when you do turn him down you make sure you are the one who approaches him for sex the next time.

[cruzer]

What is he going to get a divorce because she turns him down once every month or once every 3 months?

 

If he does he is an idiot. Im pretty insecure about my looks, but when in a relationship, nothing bothers me. I believe she wants to be with me, and likes me. Does not matter if she cancels a date, or does not tell me i looked good today.

[DN]

What is he going to get a divorce because she turns him down once every month or once every 3 months?

 

If he does he is an idiot. Im pretty insecure about my looks, but when in a relationship, nothing bothers me. I believe she wants to be with me, and likes me. Does not matter if she cancels a date, or does not tell me i looked good today.

Good for you, very commendable, you will no doubt make some good woman an understanding and caring husband one day.

 

Unfortunately, perhaps, the OP is not married to you - she is married to someone who may not have your outlook and my advice is that she be as sensitive in handling this issue as possible.

[FlareHeart]

It appears that this whole thing was a big misunderstanding.

 

We talked things through carefully and calmly, like adults, and it turns out that he didn't intend to make me feel bad at all and he is going to be more careful about how he responds since he understands why I refused and would rather me refuse than fake it.

 

I also need to make sure that instead of exaggerating his body language in my head, need to talk to him about it rather than just assuming he is upset.

 

Since I only refuse about once every 6 months, he understands fully when I do refuse. It appears that in this instance we just needed to communicate more effectively and this whole situation could have been diverted.

 

Thanks everyone for your help!

[KG]

Good Good Good for you.. communication! people!

[lostsoulmate]

That is wonderful news. I was waiting to comment...because my ex used to roll over and jerk it in bed with me when I would refuse.

 

Hence the ex part....

[Elena1607308080]

God, how I hate most guys reaction's when the girl doesn't want to. It is so pathetic, absolutely ridiculous. Why can't they accept that they can't always get what they want?

 

This reminds me of most of my relationships. I'm not someone who makes up every excuse in the book to reject sex, but sometimes I just don't feel like it - I remember going to bed with an ex and I was really tired from a long day, so I closed my eyes and turned away.

 

He then asked me if I was going to sleep and when I replied yes, he said that "wouldn't be a good idea". I told him I was really tired and didn't want to have sex and he literally started begging and whining and it almost seemed like he was gonna cry. He said I could just lie there with my back turned on him and he would just do me from behind (I left him a couple weeks later.)

Others were really angry and tried to make me feel guilty about it.

 

So pathetic! I hate that many guys don't care if their women feel pleasure or not and are willing to have sex with their girls knowing they don't really want to. They just want their orgasm and that's it. As if that's the most important thing in the world. I have never been with a guy who'd just accept it and say "no problem honey, if you don't want to it's fine."

[FlareHeart]

What you have to keep in mind is that even though they say that it's OK, inside they are still disappointed. I would rather my guy be honest with me than hide it. Although being honest does not have to entail whining and begging. That's kinda cruel really.

 

My guy also always tells me that he is doing it for me, and even if I do refuse and he's disappointed, he still honors my refusal and doesn't try to convince me otherwise.

 

Being disappointed is normal, but begging and whining is the pathetic part.

 

Thanks everyone for their help.