So difficult...

[newlife21]

short background: bf wants kid, i wasn't keen, but am keen on the idea it would create a nice family bond. so , i decided to have a baby out of love, told bf, he was happy.

 

bf is a divocee, he is still support his family. so i asked him how are we gonna work things out if we have a baby, i need some details. i understand his situation, i do want to work to help, but worry i cannot cope. so i voice out my concern. he is immediately upset. he didn't like me asking him for details, he wants me to just trust him. but i need to know details! because i am aware he doesn't have much left for us after paying for the other side.

 

i know he is upset because he feels ashamed he needs me to work. i didn't complain but i did voice out i am really worried if i could cope or not. i also pointed out that his ex wife didn't have to work when she had baby, that was why she could cope.

 

he is too egoistic to carry a good discussion on this. i do not blame him for needing me to work, i only blame myself for not being capable enough to do both jobs. honestly, i foresee a harder life to marry him. i do not mind as long as he don't get upset so easily. if he continues this temperment, it will make the "hard life" unbearable.

 

what should i do? because of him, i think i already mastered the skill in not getting upset in a discussion, or at least pretend not to be and keep my cool. i get better and he gets worse. what is happening? he is aware of this too, and promise he will try his best. but i feel that he is not capable to change. i hate this.

[savignon]

Hmmm....there seems to be many more than just one problem here. The first is of course having a baby you don't really want to have. The next most concerning (or maybe a tie for first) is that you're in a relationship where you can't ask questions, have mature discussions and you pretend not to be upset.

Having a baby that you're having "for him" while you hide your feelings and don't have the answers you need for a healthy, happy pregnancy sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.

Are you comfortable making such a big sacrifice in your life for someone you have to hide from? Do you think you will warm up to motherhood once the baby comes? It will more likely result in resentment of him, the child and even anger towards yourself.

I hope you'll consider all of these things before you make this important decision.

[Knead2Know]

I certainly don't think bringing a child into this situation is correct. I see no reason why you voicing what I see as natural concerns as been a bad thing..

 

You need to consider if this is what your life should be, he is giving off a lot of red flags, marriage in itself is very stressful, so is having a child, if he cannot handle discussions like the ones you want to have, how will he handle marriage and kids??

 

Think carefully before you proceed...

[newlife21]

hi, thanks for pointing out things for me.

 

i do look forward to have his child, he is the only guy i want to have a child with. i feel i have no problem loving the child, and feel i will love him more as we form the family.

 

he is a traditional asian man, where the man would be the bread winner. he can do the job well, for one family, but not for a second one. he will feel shameful needing to depend on the wife. i do not mind at all contributing, i just worry i cannot do two jobs ( baby and my work ). i really have a problem i figure. my body cannot take it, i feel tired quite easily. the resentment may come in when i am too tired, and if he pouts because he feels bad.

 

 

our communication problem in this issue stems from his big ego. i think he hates me for questioning him. he asks me to trust him. i replied if you do not have the other side to support, i would not even have to ask such question.

 

i do not mind being careful in whatever i have to say, i do not believe in pouring out feelings anymore. many times it does not serve any purpose, it only makes your partner feels bad. feelings could be poured out to other girlfriends, not necessary your partner. i want to learn to take care of my own feelings.

 

i don't know how to solve this baby issue. he wants something he cannot afford. and i am not capable enough too. i do want to work things out with him, but feel so discouraged..

[savignon]

It sounds like you are willing to make yourself very small and just swallow the fact that he does not see you as an equal partner. Since you are willing to do that, not ask questions, understand your "role" and you don't mind working and you want to have the baby....then, you're all set, right?

What exactly is the question if you're happy in this situation and you want to have his baby and you understand that his ego won't allow for your questions?

Maybe I can give better advice if I understand what you're looking for.

[newlife21]

I certainly don't think bringing a child into this situation is correct. I see no reason why you voicing what I see as natural concerns as been a bad thing..

 

You need to consider if this is what your life should be, he is giving off a lot of red flags, marriage in itself is very stressful, so is having a child, if he cannot handle discussions like the ones you want to have, how will he handle marriage and kids??

 

Think carefully before you proceed...

 

so true, that is why i am thinking and thinking. i got depressed and slept the whole morning.

 

he brought up two kids before, they are very nice big teenagers now. i always thought he is so mature, could lead me etc etc... the problem now is i think this is a new situation to him. he never had a problem with money with just one family, now he has a problem and he feels lousy. he talks about taking a second job.

 

he has a good job, had a marriage before with two big kids now, and he can't carry a mature conversation with me now? i can't believe this, i am really scratching my head.

[newlife21]

It sounds like you are willing to make yourself very small and just swallow the fact that he does not see you as an equal partner. Since you are willing to do that, not ask questions, understand your "role" and you don't mind working and you want to have the baby....then, you're all set, right?

What exactly is the question if you're happy in this situation and you want to have his baby and you understand that his ego won't allow for your questions?

Maybe I can give better advice if I understand what you're looking for.

 

willingness wise, i don't mind working and having baby, but i realise my energy level is not able to do this. so i have to discuss this with him.

 

for things that i feel i can handle, i will do it myself. for things i feel i have a problem, i will voice out. i think the issue is, if i have problem that he cannot help out, he feels lousy and gets upset.

[savignon]

But it seems like when he's upset, you decide to not say any more. You have said you want to learn to control your feelings and that you have learned to be careful of what you say. You also said that you behave this way to make sure he wont' go to another girlfriend.

When you live in that kind of fear of being yourself, then you're setting yourself up. It won't be "his fault" anymore. It's your responsibility to get the kind of life you want. If you want a life where you avoid any kind of intimate or difficult discussion for fear he'll go get another girlfriend, then that's your choice. It's your choice to work while you have a baby to make him happy and it's your choice to "learn that it does no good" to talk to him about anything serious.

I wish you the best and hope you can find something that works.

[newlife21]

no i never say he may go to another girlfriend. i am the only one he wants to marry now. you must have mix up me with someone else.

 

i am careful with what i said is not because he has another girlfriend he wants to go to. i just learn that it is usually the women who keep talking about feelings, which actually sounds like complaints to the men. very seldom, men talk and talk about feelings, they tend to swallow small unhappiness in order not to upset their partner. if men do that, why should women keep bothering men about their unhappiness?

 

i just put myself in a man's shoe and imagine myself keep hearing endless feelings from woman, i don't think i like that. i am doing this not because i am weak. even the bible teaches ( my religion ) listen more and talk less. i am sorry but i know you think that i am weak. i am not, i am just seeing things from a different point of view.

 

when he gets upset, i learn from therapy that you wait for another good moment to discuss again. ok, you may say that if i am so smart why am i posting here? precisely, this is another avenue to release stress and also hear other opinions. it is better to release steam somewhere than to throw everything onto your man.