i need advice on how to respond to this

[pete2002]

My GF of 4 yrs and i broke up 1.5 years ago because i brok eup wtih her because i wasnt ready.. then, when i was ready a around eight months ago, she said she wanted to just see how things went, but instead just strung me along telling me how much she cared about me, but then not wanting to date.... mixed signals mixed signals...

 

now she's been dating a guy for two months.. she likes him a lot, and has known him for about 8 months.. seems like a very nice guy... treats her well, and she's very into him..

 

i havent called her in two months.. but every week or so i get an email or a message from her, saying she misses me, and begging for me to call her so we can be friends again... i've only spoken to her once in two months when she called me crying because her relative died... we talked for five minutes, during which time she said she hoped we could hang out, and i said no..

 

so now i get this email, and i want to know how to respond.. i'd love to give us another chance, but i know tahts not what she wants.. she just wants friendship... i think.

 

here is the email..

 

Pete,

So, I'm sitting here in the library studying and I was just thinking about how much I miss you. Some stupid sad song is playing and I was thinking about how I really miss talking to you and telling you about my life and hearing about whats going on with you. And maybe you won't believe me, but I really ache inside. I mean we were best friends and so much more for 4 years and we talked like everyday. Don't you feel an absense? Maybe this email is kinda strong but I don't want to lose the friendship we had and I feel like if you keep ignoring me like this its going to be hard to ever get back, you know. I'm almost done with school and about to leave and I wish that we could fix things before that happens.(she is in law school, will be gone for two and half months, and then will be back) I know that this decision is not up to me, but think about it ok? Hopefully, you miss me every once and awhile too. I thought that no matter what we promised each other that we would always have a special place for the other person. You told me that last year and I'm afraid that's not going to be the case. So please give this some thought. I'm not trying to give you any mixed messages ok? I just really miss you.

- EX!

 

so... i dunno what to tell her. any advice, please?

 

thanks

[sweetharmony]

i also lost my boyfriend of fouryears over a year ago. i broke up w/ him and told him i wanted to reamin friends b/c i was bored or the humdrum of every day life- it felt liek wwe were married and i wondered what i was missing. for a while i enjoyed it. the shock didn't hit me at first, but then i wanted him back. i miss my ex terribly, and we tried to remain friends for a little while, until he got into a new relationship. then we basically lost touch completely. i still think of him often, but i know we cannot remain friends, w/ the emotions atill involved and all. ? are you ready to becme friedns and not expect to gert back together. if and only if you do not expect to get back together, then you can be friends. she didn't indicate that she wanted to get back together, so you have to take what she says at face value- she misses talking to you as you were her best friend and she doesn't want to lose your friendship. if you still need more time to heal, then you must tell her that. so that both of you can get over each other w/o any expectations. these weekly e-mails don't help, b/c it doesn't give you time to get over it. it sort of ikeeps the hope alive that you might get back together. you need to be prepared that if you remain friends, she might not get back w/ you. if you are still emotionally attached and hope that being her friend will win her back, stop communicating for a while. maybe she'll really miss you and realize what she lost and may wish to get back together for good. that's what it took me to realize that what i had was great, but it was too late at that point.

[bzborow1]

Don't let your little head do the thinking for your big one.

 

There is nothing in her email to suggest she wants you for anything more then a friend she can rely on to here her problems. Basically she wants you for emotional support because she (like you) is having trouble recapturing her own life. Change is hard to overcome, and what's even harder is coming to the realisation that you relied so much emotionally on one particular person.

 

I would take the previous posters advice here, stay away until you are ok being friends (see 1st line in post).

 

Good luck.

[nycfinest]

i g/f broke with me cuz she was doin bad with schoola dn her parents made her brake up with me and i love her alot its 2 months now i love her alot but am holding bak feelings now i starting smoking and cuttign school am down always and i need help how to get bak up on track again and i want her bak?

[SLBG]

Hi sweetharmony

I just wanted to ask you a few questions.

 

You broke up with your b/f because you was bored and humdrum but after a while of

living a single life you started to realise what you had lost.

 

How long did it take you to realise that you love him?

 

At first did you think you would ever want to get back with him?

 

Did you think about your Ex while you was out enjoying yourself?

 

Was there anything your Ex could of done to change your mind while you was out

enjoying yourself or was you more interested in having fun?

 

Sorry to ask all these questions, its only my Ex also wanted to see what was out there for

her. She got bored after 5 years and wanted to see the world.

 

Currently she is out parting every night, drinking, going out with friends etc. When I see

her or speak with her she sound like she doesn't care about me. But she has told me that

she cannot sleep, she didn't give reasons but I think she cannot deal with the huge changes

in her life.

 

She wants to be free but wants the emotional support I can offer her. Im confused. I hope

she will think like you do one day. See that she has lost something very special and we can

start again.

 

If you can help that would be great

 

slbg

[harper25]

Dear nycfinest,

It's really hard to get over a breakup. Especially in highschool. My advice is that you keep telling your self that you are not the reason for the breakup. I know it's hard, but give her space. She broke up with you because her grades were slipping, so she needs time to get back on the right track. In the meantime, keep yourself busy in healthy ways.

 

Smoking and cutting class may seem tempting because they'll get you attenion, but this isn't the sort of attention you want right now. You want her to have a reason to regret the breakup whether you two end up back together or not. I know you love her very much, so prove that by being the best person you can be right now. Pick up some of your other hobbies, like sports or writing or art or whatever. Socialize with your friends, make new ones.

 

And keep up in school. This will be good for you in the long run. The more together you are, the happier you will be and the more likely that you'll be and the more positive attention you'll get. You have to keep telling yourself that you're worth the fight. Good luck.

[DestructoBoy]

Let's not forget who started this post everyone. pete2002 is upset and needs opinions. If you have a particular problem and want help please post your own topic. Let's stay focused on the original author..........

 

What's up pete2002,

 

Thank you for replying to my post. I see you're in a very similar situation. My ex and I have been broken up for nearly 6 mos. The first three months I called all the time begging, crying, pleading everything you can imagine. All was very selfish and wrong on my part. I realized I was only making her stronger by letting her know that I still sat around thinking about her all the time.

 

When I left her alone and gave her the space she needed and deserved she finally started to call and email me. The past few months I didn't write back or call. I felt better. Then she called me today and sounded very upset. I called back and she was with her boyfriend who is 2 years younger than her. She was only upset for a short time when she saw my picture while unpacking. So she decided to call me. I think it is a little selfish on her part. She needed to know that I still miss her and think about her. And being the fool I am I called back and now she knows again. She was very short with me on the phone. I was set up, and I alone took the fall by calling her. All my friends said not to call her but I did. Now I'm paying for it.

 

My advice would be to not call or write her. If she's into this new guy as you say leave her to that. She doesn't need to know that you still miss her. I wish now that I would've not called. I was doing so much better NOT knowing what she was doing in her life.

I'm not ready to be her friend and I'm clueless as to why she felt the need to call me crying saying that she misses me a lot and was thinking about me. Understand that she has done this before and I called. Only to find out she was actually happy and still with the new guy. But I haven't heard from my ex in months now. When I heard her so upset I was worried and wanted to help her.

 

It's really hard to "ignore" a person you had such strong feelings for and spent so many years of your life with. That's what screwed me. I thought she was hurting and needed me. You should just let it be. It only hurts more to to find out that she is actually doing really well and is happy with new guy. She misses your friendship as my ex does but there is no need to be there for her right now. Maybe someday you'll be able to be friends? But you need to be completely over her first.

 

If you do decide to call her or write her it's OK to be honest. Be your normal caring self. I advise against it though. You seem to still be hurting a little. No need to set yourself up for more hurt as I just did.

 

Let me know how you're holding up ok?

[pete2002]

destructo,

 

thanks so much. your situation si the same as mine, and i think the word you used, about our ex's being selfish, is the perfect word. my ex is a wonderful girl.. and i made a lot of mistakes too, and i realize that. but even though she does miss me a lot, and i know that she has been telling my friends and even telling her new boyfriend that, its still selfish for her to expect me to be able to be her buddy and go hang out and grab dinner wtih her to talk (she emailed me yesterday to do just that).... of course its unselfih for a few reasons.. first of all it makes me question if she is still with this guy, if she's happy with him... second, it makes me go back to second guessing about whether or not this is really over, and makes me think maybe i should fight for her more.. and third, it just stops me from getting over her by tricking me into thinking her missing me thinks she wants to be with me, which are two entirely different things..

 

its hard, though, because even though im doing much better than i was during the four months of trying to get her back, im still sad a lot, and i still think of her a lot... its not as intense, but its certainly there. i wonder what if a lot, and still ownder where she, although now im gooda bout not trying to find out... i havent returned her calls for two months except when her grandmohter, who i was closed to, passed away.. and even then she asked me if we could start hanging out... it was quite selfish..

 

i loved her a lot. i want nothing more than to make her feel better when she's upset, so ignoring her when she says she misses me so much it aches, is hard to do. but, im an intelligent person, and i have inteligent friends, and you certainly seem to know what you are talking about... and all of those poepel say that calling her could only really hurt me... so, i persist..

 

but, read this email, how do i respond to this?

 

Hey,

I'm writing a paper thats taking forever. I just got an Easter basket from my mom and she wanted to thank you for sending your note after my grandma died. so thanks. Anyway, I'm bored and I don't know if you have to study anymore at all or even if you are home, but if you are you should come over. Maybe we could even order dinner or something, or go somewhere quick. I'm guessing that you won't answer me, but thought I'd try. Why don't you come over and we can talk about things? I want you to be happy cuz thats you, ok? Call me if you wanna come.

 

this message was two days after the message i started this thread with...

 

mixed signals....

 

pete

[Hopingpraying]

Pete,

 

I am not sure that it is truly mixed signals, she may really want to just be friends and hang out. The problem is you are not ready to do that. I think you just need to explain that too her. Just tell her you still have very strong feelings for her and that you are too attached to be friends right now. Just tell her that until you heal your heart you cannot do what she asks because it is very confusing for you.

I understand why you are confused, it would confuse anyone. I understand what Destructo is saying too about not giving her the satisfaction of knowing you still miss her, but if you truly would like things to work out between you then I think you need to clear the air and explain to her why you don't reply to her messages. Its not because you don't care or don't want to talk to her, on the contrary, you want nothing more than to be there for her. She needs to know that. That way it is on her, not on you.. Just be honest, it is all you can do. The rest will just fall into place.

 

You sound like a nice guy, and I am sure she will realize that. Hopefully before it is not too late.