Should I write to her Mom?

[jul-els]

Hello,

 

My last girlfriend moved back to her hometown in Europe last year due to a severe drinking problem. She moved in with her Mother. We have kept in touch in the year since she left and long story short; she voluntarily checked herself into rehab for 3 mos and successfully finished the program. She found herself a place and a job. She said she really hated the job and the way she described it, it didn't sound too pleasant. Sounded kinda like slave labor. I don't know if she was exagerrating because she hated it so much or if it really was that horrible, but I don't think she was. I think it was just a really bad bottom-of-the-barrel job. She had been out of the country for 13 years so with no work experience, she had no choice but to take a menial job. I told her not to be sad, to look at the bright side, at least she was working, earning some money, and had her own place so that was an improvement.

 

Anyway the last couple times I have written her she has not written back. It's been about 2 1/2 mos since I last heard from her. When we were together we watched that movie "Leaving Las Vegas" one time. When we were going through the worst of her drinking she told me that she felt just like the Nicholas Cage character in that movie; that she didn't care if the drinking killed her, she just wanted to keep doing it.

 

Since she has stopped communication with me I can't help but wonder what happened. Did she fall of the wagon? Is she alive? I don't know.

 

I can contact her Mother on Skype but if something horrible has happened then I'm afraid that the last thing she needs is one of her daughter's ex-boyfriends from another country bothering her about what's going on. She's probably going through enough as it is. I went through it myself, and I know how hard it was on me and it would be a hundred thousand times harder if it was my daughter.

 

Then on the other hand, maybe she just decided she no longer wished to speak to me for whatever reason. I have no idea what that reason would be, but in that case it would be her business and her choice and I can respect that.

 

The only thing that's really bothering me is not knowing and wondering if she's still alive.

 

Should I contact her Mother and risk potentially aggravating a difficult situation or should I just let it go and just never know what happened and hope for the best?

 

I have spoken with her Mother in the past and she is a very nice lady and has expressed her thanks to me for helping her daughter get through the rough times we had before.

 

What do you think? Should I ask her Mother for more info?

 

Thanks.

[yonkeehoi]

It sounds like your intent is one of kindness and concern. If you frame your query to her Mom in a way that does not imply something potentially tragic, like 'she's been a good friend and not having been able to reach her you simply wish to know that she is well' then your overture very well might be well received.

 

You are acting as a good friend would and that's a very nice thing!

[jul-els]

It sounds like your intent is one of kindness and concern. If you frame your query to her Mom in a way that does not imply something potentially tragic, like 'she's been a good friend and not having been able to reach her you simply wish to know that she is well' then your overture very well might be well received.

 

You are acting as a good friend would and that's a very nice thing!

 

Thanks. Here's how I was thinking about wording it:

 

Hello xxxxxxx,

 

How are you? I have written to xxxxxx a few times and she has not responded. Is everything ok?

 

Her Mother doesn't speak English and would have to get one of her family to translate it so I figure the shorter I can make it the better.

[yonkeehoi]

Here's my 2 cents - Instead of

 

How are you? I have written to xxxxxx a few times and she has not responded. Is everything ok?

 

How about

 

How are you? I have written to X a few times and haven't been able to reach her. Would you be so kind as to let me know if she is well?

[Maverick32x]

Here's my 2 cents - Instead of

 

How are you? I have written to xxxxxx a few times and she has not responded. Is everything ok?

 

How about

 

How are you? I have written to X a few times and haven't been able to reach her. Would you be so kind as to let me know if she is well?

 

personally I would leave it the way you wrote it.... the second one makes you sound like a legitimate stalker....

[jul-els]

personally I would leave it the way you wrote it.... the second one makes you sound like a legitimate stalker....

 

I don't know if they consider things like "stalking" in their culture. I don't think either one of these ways is creepy. They're essentially the same so I think I'll just go with what I originally planned to say. My only source of trepedation is not wanting to cause her Mother any upset if in reality something really bad has happened. But if it has I would like to know. Frustrating.

[alli]

I'm sure if anything bad actually happened, she would already be upset about it. Not like she would be having a great day and you just ruined it by reminding her, as she would already be upset. In the event of something bad happening you a loved one, you already think about it all the time. Someone bringing it up will bring you back to it a bit, but I'm sure she won't be scarred by your questions of concern.

 

I think it is likely that the girl is just ignoring you or at rehab or something. Might as well get some peace of mind, or closure.

[jul-els]

I'm sure if anything bad actually happened, she would already be upset about it. Not like she would be having a great day and you just ruined it by reminding her, as she would already be upset. In the event of something bad happening you a loved one, you already think about it all the time. Someone bringing it up will bring you back to it a bit, but I'm sure she won't be scarred by your questions of concern.

 

I think it is likely that the girl is just ignoring you or at rehab or something. Might as well get some peace of mind, or closure.

 

Good point. My heart just really goes out to her Mother. I know it was hard on her whole family when I had to be the one to break the news that x had a drinking problem. I spoke with her sister when it was all happening and she just cried the whole time. It hurt me to a certain extent, but I had an out. When it's a family member, it's so much more personal. I really would like to have that peace of mind, I still do care about her well-being, but maybe I'm just being selfish. (?) I mean, I've never even met these people.

[anya1607307555]

If that were my child I would be glad they had someone out there who cared enough about their well being. You were in a relationship, you are not a total stranger to her family and it sounds like it comes from a genuine place of concern for her, I don't see anything untoward in what you wish to do.