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How to deal with it....


a_lifters_life

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When women out of the blue ask questions/statements like:

 

1) I'm worried you'll find someone else

 

2) Going to extreme circumstances such as having plans to move in, in a couple years together and after a fight thinking you changed your mind..

 

3) Random thoughts in their head that you may just cheat on them or otherwise be deceiving with them.

 

4) Getting insecure about you being influenced by your friend who is an outspoken cheater and she worries he'll influence you to do the same.

 

My current g/f has been cheated on before we've been together for a year and 2 months. She still gets random thoughts like the above. It seems like it comes out of the blue. I dont get it, I literally do everything to make her not feel insecure about this stuff.

 

Anyone?

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Its her.

Her problem. You do nothing wrong, or atleast from what I've gathered from posts in the past..you go above and beyond for her time and time again.

 

This is a personal insecurity that she has to sort out on her own.

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Hey, maybe you should sit her down and have a serious talk about these accusations. Explain that it's upsetting for you that she constantly shows she doesn't trust you and that she doesn't have much faith in the relationship if she thinks you're not going to move in with her because of 1 fight. If I were you, I'd let her know that you're offended, don't go down the reassurance path next time, because that's what she's doing it for.

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For they way she behaves I think she's going to provoke the situation of what she doesn't want.

It's her problem, fears are difficult to deal with, but if you care about her, maybe you can try to help a little bit...

 

I think you need to do subtle things to increase her confidence, like telling her sometimes how beutiful she looks, or do things for her that shows that you care... but everything you say must sound genuine, otherwise it would have the opposite effect.

Talk sometimes about the values that you have, etc...

But make it everything natural and casual, no like an effort...

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I can put in the view point of a girl with those same thoughts. My fiance gets very irritated with me when I ask questions like the ones you have mentioned. I was also cheated on in past relationships. It is really hard for me to trust anyone, let alone from a relationship viewpoint. I currently go to counseling...I have been for 3 years now, every other week, to try and work on my issues of insecurity. I would definitely tell you that it will take a LOT on your part to help her deal with it. And, when you feel it comes up so much that it is an overkill of the situation, she isnt trying to get under your skin. I know that it gets annoying to repeat yourself over and over but that may be what she needs. I would suggest that you bring up talking to someone about it. It has helped me a lot.

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I have to admit, I have the same type of thoughts. When my boyfriend was long-distance, I was always wondering if he went out at night and made out with other girls, etc. I trusted him, seriously, but I'm not stupid. I have heard SOOO many stories about girls that trusted and then their boyfriends did horrible things to them (the downside of these kind of message boards - they breed distrust).

 

It probably makes you frustrated knowing that you never did anything and yet you're getting the third degree. All you can do it answer her silly little questions each time calmly. "No honey, I don't cheat. He does a lot of things I would never do. I love you." Hopefully she will become more secure with reassurance.

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I have been on the end of this too and it is frustrating because you are being painted with a brush not meant for you. (And I would never cheat or lie, not in a million years)

 

I did what the posters have said above - reassured, made promises and so forth but eventually, when they weren't willing to solve that problem within themselves, I had a decision to make....

 

You can't solve the insecurities of others, they have to do it themselves.

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I have been on the end of this too and it is frustrating because you are being painted with a brush not meant for you. (And I would never cheat or lie, not in a million years)

 

I did what the posters have said above - reassured, made promises and so forth but eventually, when they weren't willing to solve that problem within themselves, I had a decision to make....

 

You can't solve the insecurities of others, they have to do it themselves.

 

It's just tough to deal with. Im not saying she shouldnt have any fears about this rel at time. That's normal - no problem. It's when it becomes overbearing that it starts to get very annoying and question how much trust she really has in me. Ya know?

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