Reflections on the Passed...

[HellFrost666]

I've been dictating this post in my head off and on for a few days now. But this is my first attempt at sitting down and writing it.

 

I always have so much to say when I read a post about someone wanting to end their own life. I am not posting this to be pretentious. Nor am I posting this to tell all the suicidal people on this site to "suck it up, it'll get better." This is just my personal reflection of the suicidal times in my life, and how this place, among many other things, helped. I am posting this as kind of a success story.

 

The first time was back in 2006. I was here on ENA then, but I wasn't posting much. People didn't know me here and I didn't really feel comfortable publicly airing these feelings. The event that brought it on isn't easy for me to talk about and it's probably not that easy to understand either. But, it was brought on by trauma. For six weeks I was not myself at all. I remember telling my shrink that I felt like there was a switch inside of me that someone flipped. The change was so fast... I didn't want to get out of bed in the morning. I rarely ate. I was afraid to leave my house on some days because I was convinced if I left something awful would happen. It was even hard to drag myself off to band practice, and band practice is one of my favorite things to do. Soon my shrink was trying to convince me to voluntarily commit myself to a hospital. I told her it was not happening. I just couldn't see how being drugged up and locked in some hospital somewhere would help my condition. I had Crisis workers calling me every day, sometimes twice a day. They would ask me things like "Have you been thinking about hurting yourself?" and "Have you thought about hurting other people?" That question hurt the most... The fact that I was being classified (even if unofficially) as a danger to others just made me more depressed. I spent two weeks being closely monitored by these Crisis workers who worked at the same place as my shrink. They really tried hard to get me to go on meds, but I wouldn't. I heard too many horror stories about people on head meds.

 

It was only after a visit from someone that I started to feel like myself again. Coming out of this wasn't as fast as going into it... I wish it would have been. But coming out of it was a slow process. I would keep track of how much time I felt "normal" versus how much time a day I felt depressed. My shrink said not to do that, because it was causing me to focus more on it. But I didn't listen to her and did it anyway because it helped me track my progress.

 

Things got better, even back to normal, for over a year. And then I relapsed. This time it wasn't as severe as the first time. But it still was awful. This time my period on suicide watch was shorter. And the phone calls weren't as frequent.

 

By this time, I was a regular member here on ENA. I've had friends of mine ask me why I didn't post more threads when it was going on. Well, I guess there are a few reasons. For one, I didn't want to be the guy who was "crying wolf" because I didn't really try it. (Try to kill myself, I mean.) And, I guess I wasn't comfortable with everyone knowing this about me. Also, posting deep analytical threads about it would make me think more about how depressed I was. Most people who were here back then probably didn't even know this crisis was happening in my life. Because when I was here I spent most of my time answering other people's posts and cracking jokes in OT. Humor has helped me through so many bad situations... Bantering in OT was one of the best ways to make myself feel better, in all honesty.

 

I had friends here who knew the whole story. They listened to me go on and on about all the negative feelings I had. And if anyone reading this is one of those people, I don't think you realized how much I appreciated you. I also had some friends here who barely acknowledged my turmoil because they were too wrapped up in themselves to notice... but most of the people I went into detail about this with were great.

 

The first time I got really depressed back in 06 I tried to write song lyrics. I am a musician and I figured why not channel some of this into something (somewhat) positive? But I couldn't. I just didn't want to take this awful time in my life and immortalize it in a song. But this time, in 2007, I actually did write some lyrics. I had to really force myself too, but it ended up being therapeutic and cathartic.

 

And, unfortunately in 2007 I lashed out at some of the people who were closest to me and trying the most to help. I think if there was ever a time when my girlfriend thought about leaving me it was probably then. And my sister and I got into one of the biggest arguments we've ever been in. But they forgave me, probably a lot faster then I forgave myself.

 

This time there was less pressure from my shrink to go on drugs. But, I also started doing a lot of research on Naturopathy and different ways to fight depression without drugs. Now I've gotten pretty familiar with this as a science. I guess that was another way of channeling a bad thing into a good thing.

 

And then, there was another strange visit that really helped me see things differently.

 

So, I guess my point is, (For those of you who stuck with reading this whole posts, sorry it was so long, lol.) There are always ways to help yourself. It just takes practice. It's not about going to a doctor and trying out different cocktails of pills to better your mood. If anything the pills probably do more harm then good. Please, know yourself and know what you need to get through it. It's not impossible.

[NightLily]

I know what it is like to not be yourself. It is scary. ..more than words can say.

 

I'm happy that you never had to end up in the hospital. I was forced to go and it hurt me badly that I had fallen so far sooo quickly (I had been down and stressed but I completely went in the crazy bin over a period of 2 weeks before getting hospitalized).

 

I would like to add though, there is a point to hospitalization. In my case, I was so far gone I had lost massive amounts on weight in 2 weeks, my blood preassure was down to about 80, my heart rate down to about 40 and it was just bad news. If they had released me from the ER I would have also probably ended up homeless and god knows what would have happened then. They got me from being a walking zombie who really wasn't even there to realizing, oh I am walking down the hallway now.. again.

 

The meds are helping me as well. They CAN be hell. I know that better than I would like to. I was also reeeally resistant to go on them again but it got to that point. I feel more like myself on them oddly enough. I don't think they are for everybody though.

 

I hope you are well and I would love to hear your music if I ever got the chance.

[HellFrost666]

I am glad you're doing well on your meds. I think they are fine for people who really benefit from them. I just couldn't bring myself to go on any.

 

Thank you so much for replying.

[NightLily]

No problem. There are still some medications I would avoid like the plague.

 

I have been on three and two were far worse than without. There is definitely truth to your views.

 

I also agree it is about practice. I feel like regardless of medication, I am slowly learning how to deal with the ups and downs.

[HellFrost666]

They were really pushing me to go on Prozak at one point. They also suggested Paxil. And Depakote came up a few times.

 

Considering the side effects of any of those, I just didn't see how it was a good idea.

 

I really hope I didn't jinx myself posting this thread.

[NightLily]

I was on Prozac. While it helps some people possibly I think you dodged a major bullet. I became oddly OCD (and I am far from OCD) and started having near constant DISTURBING images of myself dead as the dosage went up. The doctors thought I needed more Prozac in response.

 

I learned from that to really try to hold onto a sense of yourself and not just trust the doctors because they have an education or something.

[HellFrost666]

You want to know something sad though... I was seeing stuff like that and I wasn't even taking anything. I've heard all these stories about the thought patterns and behavior of people on different Psych Drugs. And the similarities of some of them are creepy. For a while that really bothered me. I thought I really must have been crazy.

 

My girlfriend and her brother were both given a lot of Ritalin in adolescence... and that's what their Doctor kept doing to them. I am not talking about images of themselves dead or anything... But the doctor was playing this game with them where their Mom would say she still wasn't seeing any changes, and so the Doctor would just up the dosage. The ammount of Ritalin she was taking at age 13 was a high dose even for an adult, and higher then the recomended dose for someone her age. And she still has problems from it.

[Ellie2006]

Thanks for your thread and I'm glad you're feeling ok now.

 

I too am rather resistant against the thought of therapy, even though I know many people have benefitted from it. I just dont think it's right for me (and yes, I've met with a therapist once, which confirmed my speculations).

 

What I wonder, though, is am I keeping myself in this state of mind by relying too much on *my* coping mechanisms?

 

It's kind of nice to read how other people got through their depression bc I get the reassurance that people *do* pull through, without medication or therapy.

[HellFrost666]

Even if you are relying too much on your coping mechanisms... who says thats a problem? Eventually you won't need them. But if this is working for you right now, don't stress yourself about it.

[Ellie2006]

Even if you are relying too much on your coping mechanisms... who says thats a problem? Eventually you won't need them. But if this is working for you right now, don't stress yourself about it.

 

Thanks and I guess you're right.

The thing about me is that it took me forever to admit to myself that I *must* be depressed.

 

Depression was such a scary concept for me that I would tell myself, I am feeling down at the moment, or I'm being moody and that I can walk it off, sleep it off, exercise will help, etc.

 

Owning up to the possibility that I am depressed was a huge first step for me. And I am hoping that it will be the first step in trying to figure out a way to resolve it....

[Cynder]

I was going to rep you for this, but apparently I already repped you sometime in the recent passed, so it won't let me. So I rated the thread instead.

 

Seriously, nice post. I think a lot of people need to hear this kind of thing.

[HellFrost666]

^ Yea, there's that rule about spreading the love around... or however they put it.

 

But thank you for replying.

[Angel_baby]

Hey HF, *hugs* I've missed talking to you while I was away.

 

I wanted to say this was a very inspirational and thoughtful post. I know that you have had rough moments in the past but not as in depth on them until I read this post.

I to understand and know that posting in OT is a big help with just joking around and talking about this and that... I didn't want to post about my problems for a long time either but then broke down and since I had nothing else to turn to I went ahead and let it out.

 

And I totally agree about the meds... they just aren't for everyone. I have been on quite a few and on most got such negative health and mental reactions (seizures, hallucinations, etc) that it just isn't worth it to me to go that route anymore. Cymbalta was the only one that didn't cause a lot of problems but it also didn't seem to be doing anything for my depression.

I have come to the reality that my chronic pain is the source of my depression and no meds is going to help.

 

Thanks for posting this HF

[greensleeves]

Hey hellfrost...I haven't crossed paths with you here in a very long time!

 

I had no idea that you'd gone through so much and I think that your story will be very helpful to people who may feel that there is no way out for them. I've suffered from episodes of very deep depression as well and when you're going through it, it does feel like nothing will ever change, but you're so right that things can get better. I'm really glad that you were able to get through this dark period in your life.

 

Thank you for having the courage and taking the time to share this.

[HellFrost666]

Hugs back, it's good to see you here again!

 

I know someone currently taking Cymbalta and they "love it." Its the girlfriend of a friend of mine and she says it makes her "not care about anything." I don't see how that's such a good thing.

[HellFrost666]

Hey hellfrost...I haven't crossed paths with you here in a very long time!

 

I had no idea that you'd gone through so much and I think that your story will be very helpful to people who may feel that there is no way out for them. I've suffered from episodes of very deep depression as well and when you're going through it, it does feel like nothing will ever change, but you're so right that things can get better. I'm really glad that you were able to get through this dark period in your life.

 

Thank you for having the courage and taking the time to share this.

 

Yea, it has been a while since I've talked to you. Thank you for replying and for your kindness.

[NightLily]

I don't really want anybody. They all need to just ..... the .... offf.....

[jengh]

Wow, I hadn't realized things were so bad for you HF. I'm so glad to hear things are going better now though.

 

Ugh, and I get it... the meds, the depression, the doctors telling you you need hospitalization... And I agree with others, the meds--not for everyone. I've been on probably 20 different anti-depressants in the past. Some decent, some absolutely horrible. Celexa gave me seizures, Zoloft made me seriously suicidal, Effexor made me into a zombie...ugh, the list goes on. Not sure what my point here was going to be... but, just saying I can relate I guess?

[HellFrost666]

I don't really want anybody. They all need to just ..... the .... offf.....

 

You allright Suzy?