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Is your family as unsupportive as mine?


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My boyfriend and I are planning on getting married next summer. It is very likely that I will be deployed shortly after and we decided to marry before I go rather than after. We aren't "officially" engaged yet; I decided to give my family a bit of a heads up that it is going to happen before dropping the official bomb. So I told my mom about our plans, and she gets this weird look on her face. I'm like, "Alright, what is it?" And she's like, "Why before? Why don't you just get married after you get back?" I explained that once you return from a deployment, you basically start getting ready for the next one. So even if we wait to get married, it will probably be the same situation with another upcoming deployment. Same situation, only a few years down the road. Not to mention, if anything happened to me and we were not married, no one would notify him. He wouldn't have a say in anything and he wouldn't get my life insurance. Couldn't really tell her that though, I didn't want to bring up the possibility of something happening to me. She's freaked out by my deployment enough as it is. It's not like you go once & that's it these days. And she expresses concern over us buying a house together & taking out a co-loan before we are married in the event that it doesn't work out between us.

 

Then I tell my older sister, and the first thing she says is "Are you serious?" urgh! She just expects that I am going to follow in her exact footsteps. She's 33 & probably will never get married or have kids. When I was younger, I thought everything she did & said were right... she's my big sis. So whatever she thought, I agreed with. When she said she never wanted kids, I would agree & say I didn't, either. Until I grew into my own person and started making my own decisions. So basically she thinks I'm "giving up everything and changing my life for a guy". C'mon! I started making my own decisions before he was ever even in the picture; I don't know why she can't see that. Oh, and she also said "Dr. Phil says that 2/3 of marriages under 25 yrs old fail" I point out that I will be 25, though my bf will be 23. It's not like were 18. Thanks for the support. Really? You're going to bring Dr. Phil into this?

 

You would think they would be a little bit happier for me! We've been together for almost a year & a half. Over 2 by the time we get married. You would think they would express just a tiny bit of happiness for us. I guess they both did have a bad impression of him at one time. Once, I went to my mom when I was upset about a disagreement between my bf & me... I just felt like he wasn't supportive in a particular situation. But that was once, a long time ago, and other than that instance we are great. I never should have told her about that & just kept it between us. And my sister didn't like him when he was at our mom's house at Christmas because he was texting a friend much of the time. Yeah, he probably shouldn't have done that, but he was bored & no one was really talking, just watching tv.

 

Then one last thing. My 17 year old little sister told my older sister that I "am very skinny and don't eat anything". I'm 5' 7", 130. I did lose some weight and am thin, yes, but I don't look anorexic. And like she would know! I see her once a month, how the heck does she think she knows I "don't eat anything"? As a matter of fact I do eat, I just eat healthier & I don't go out to restaurants all the time. It just ticks me off that they make such judgement calls when they don't even know. Maybe they should be more concerned about her other siblings that are 100+ lbs overweight and stop being so concerned about mine, which is actually in the healthy range. I lost some weight, I look good, and I'm so happy with my boyfriend, and for some reason they have to turn it into something bad.

 

Anyway, it just upsets me. We are so great together, love each other & it's not like we are rushing. I don't think it's about him; I think they would act like this no matter who I was marrying. It's like they think getting married at 25 is crazy. Really? Don't the majority of people in this world get married?

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I think they are just worried for you and are trying to be supportive but just not doing a good job or in the way that you would want/expect.

 

Hopefully they get on the bandwagon once you get closer to the wedding date.

 

I would talk to your mother and tell her that you need to know that she supports and approves of this marriage before you can happily be wedded. Hopefully she realizes her mistake.

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I think they are just worried for you and are trying to be supportive but just not doing a good job or in the way that you would want/expect.

 

Hopefully they get on the bandwagon once you get closer to the wedding date.

 

I would talk to your mother and tell her that you need to know that she supports and approves of this marriage before you can happily be wedded. Hopefully she realizes her mistake.

 

Eh, I can be happily married without her support. I don't know what they're so freaking worried about; there is nothing different in my situation that is cause for concern.

 

And my sister isn't worried. She's just not happy that I am not attempting to replicate her life. She thinks that "her way is the only way" and cannot understand why anyone would not live their life exactly like hers. She even said something like that to my brother when he got married, and he basically cut her off right then & there. 15 years later, he is still married to the same woman, has kids & still does not speak to her. I don't think she realizes how insulting her comments can be.

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Telling her that she is being a bit insensitive could do her some good then. If you don't feel that she is aware of it. Otherwise she'll just go through life unknowingly alienating people and such.

 

Yeah, that might be a good idea. For how blunt she is to people, she can be suprisingly sensitive when she is on the receiving end. I don't know. It's just the way it is, and I doubt I can get her to change her ways. She's been like this for so long, the people she is close to already know how she is and stick around. Most people don't do what my brother did.

 

I guess I'm not really looking for a solution. They have been forwarned enough and from here on out I'm just going to go about my business & not explain the same things to them over & over. They can think what they want. It would be nice to have a family that says "Congratulations!" rather than "Are you serious?" but I guess we get the hands we are dealt.

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it sounds like your family has entirely too much of an opinion on YOUR life... and it sounds like you take their opinion to mean "approve" or "disapprove"

 

alli.. save yourself the trouble... do what makes you happy- live your life and don't worry about what anyone says or does...

 

you didn't ask their permission- you told them what you were doing ... now be happy because you are happy, confident and content with your decison to marry your boyfriend.

 

next time mom makes a face about a decision- really try to resist asking her "what?" - because it really doesn't matter what she thinks - its your life.

 

Have confidence in your ability to make good decisions. Have confidence in yourself that if you make a decision that didn't turn out the way you wanted- that you'll be better then ok.

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Def think your family is just being protactive and looking out for you... there prob thinking if this is forever then you guys will have time to get married when you get back, or in 5 or 10yrs...

 

 

nothing will change, why rush it......

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it sounds like your family has entirely too much of an opinion on YOUR life... and it sounds like you take their opinion to mean "approve" or "disapprove"

 

alli.. save yourself the trouble... do what makes you happy- live your life and don't worry about what anyone says or does...

 

you didn't ask their permission- you told them what you were doing ... now be happy because you are happy, confident and content with your decison to marry your boyfriend.

 

next time mom makes a face about a decision- really try to resist asking her "what?" - because it really doesn't matter what she thinks - its your life.

 

Have confidence in your ability to make good decisions. Have confidence in yourself that if you make a decision that didn't turn out the way you wanted- that you'll be better then ok.

 

Thank you. Their reactions don't make me question if I am doing the right thing, but it sure makes me feel a little bit crappy! For the most part I live and make my own decisions separate of them, but they are family. They will always be here & there to insert their disapproval!

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I don't think they're trying to be unsupportive; they're just concerned for your best interest and want to make sure you don't make the wrong decision. They could be a bit more optimistic, but their concerns are legitimate. You guys are young, haven't been together all that long, and deployment can be rough. They probably just want you to wait a bit to be sure that you can handle the challenges that come with a military relationship before you get married. I've never been with anyone in the army, but I know a few people who have, and many of them are struggling in their marriages. In the end, it is your decision to make and I think your family realizes that; they just want to make sure you've thought everything through and know you're making the right choice.

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I'm sorry alli. The people we love and expect to share our happiness can let us down sometimes. The important thing is that you know you are doing the right thing and time will prove that to them too. Congratulations!

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