Ugh, this is so stupid...do I let him fail?

[lonelygemini]

Ok, I've been on here on and off. For a little background, I'm married almost a year, have a 7 month old daughter, and I've known my husband for over 10 years and we dated almost 2 years before getting married.

 

Here's the issue. My husband went back to school last year after flunking out a few years ago. This past fall quarter, he started getting into his major classes and got behind on his homework. I was sure that my pregnancy and his getting laid off from his longtime factory job put some stress on him, so I helped him out. He still failed the quarter, but wrote an appeal letter and got back in for Winter.

 

Okay, Winter quarter, he lags behind on homework again, misses classes, and expects me to bail him out at the end, in which I help him finish homework and write a paper. He barely squeaks by.

 

This quarter, Spring quarter, he lied about being so far ahead of his homework. About 2 weeks ago, he lets it drop that he hasn't done any homework since the first week. He complains that I stress him out too much to do any homework, or that the house is too dirty, etc. So, when he's not watching the baby while I'm at work or in class, he's on the computer, or drinking, or watching a movie.

 

So, I help a little bit, but doing 11 weeks worth of homework is draining to me, plus I found out my job is moving out of state and I have to jockey for a position or get laid off. He always clowns my job like it's unimportant since I work at a desk and not at a factory, plus he whines that I already have my degree, so why don't I help him.

 

It came to a head last night after I got off of work. He hands me the baby and whines that he has a test he hasn't studied for, plus there's a take home part he didn't do. So, I had to take care of the baby and do his test while he's wandering around the house and checking up on me, making sure I finish. I was exhausted when he left for class, so I took a nap. He came home and wondered why I didn't finish his 2 papers that were due today. He complained "Oh well, I guess I have to find a way to do it myself tomorrow".

 

Today I came home from lunch and asked him where a book was. He was so dramatic and tossed books everywhere. Even my neighbor came by and asked if everything was all right. He was pretending that he was doing his paper, because I glanced at his laptop and only 2 lines were written, which he probably typed quickly while I was eating lunch. Then he claimed his whole day was ruined because I distracted him by asking where the book was.

 

I'm so upset, because I try to help him, but I really feel that it's not my job to do his homework. Yet, he makes me feel bad for not doing it for him. I know the general consensus would probably be to let him fail (and if he does fail, he will probably get kicked out of school again), but I'm married to him. If he fails, he will probably just sit on his butt for however many months while I'm still the sole breadwinner. At least while he's in school, he's doing something.

 

Any advice is appreciated. And no, I don't have family support or anywhere to go because he turned everyone against me, and they all believe his facade that he's this hardworker student and I'm being "too hard" on him.

[retired1]

Seems to me he has absolutely no initiative to better himself. Honestly? Let him flunk out and when he starts to project the blame at you, shut it down right then and there. His making excuses for not doing homework is just that. An excuse.

[lonelygemini]

Thanks for your reply.

 

I'm seriously considering leaving this marriage, this is too much for me. I just feel so bad for my baby.

 

***calls my counselor again***

[FarthestEdge]

His education will do him no good if he doesn't learn anything. He won't learn anything if YOU keep doing the work for him.

 

Offer to arrange for a sitter if need be, or to take the baby and go out so he can have peace to study, or fold the laundry so he doesn't have to, or to quiz him to prepare for tests.

 

But stop writing papers & doing his homework. If it was discovered that you were doing this, he'd be kicked out anyway.

 

I work f/t with 2 small kids and I am in school. DH helps- he helps by watching the kids and doing more than his share of housework. He does NOT do my schoolwork for me.

 

You earned your degree, you don't need to earn his. That's his responsibility. There are innumerable ways you can help him, but this is not one of them.

[DN]

 

 

Having read your previous thread about this guy I can see why you are thinking of leaving. In your place, I already would have left him.

[pinkrobot]

I agree with retired.

 

Plus, how much money is he spending on this schooling? It sounds like a waste, especially when you're trying to raise a child. If he doesn't fail, he'll continue to waste money on schooling he puts no effort into, all the while expecting you to do his work for him. If he does fail, maybe he won't be able to go back. But at least it puts an end to this ridiculous game he's playing.

 

You're his wife, not his mommy. He's an adult who should be able to get his homework done on his own accord. And if he doesn't, he shouldn't think it's okay to come running to you and expect that you'll save his butt yet again.

[retired1]

When ex #1 was going for her master's, I routinely proof read her papers and helped her rewrite some of them. Always got straight A's on those. But she did the lion's share of the work, where all I did was assist with the spelling and reworking of some of the paragraphs.

 

Helping is one thing, doing it all is another, and shouldn't be condoned.

[agent1607307371]

When ex #1 was going for her master's, I routinely proof read her papers and helped her rewrite some of them. Always got straight A's on those. But she did the lion's share of the work, where all I did was assist with the spelling and reworking of some of the paragraphs.

 

I'm doing the same with my sister, and I'm happy to. She's finally getting the education she wants and all I'm doing is clarifying what she's already put down.

 

This guy is pathetic. Sorry OP, but he is. Who's paying for this education he's flushing down the toilet? You need to let him fail.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

 

Having read your previous thread about this guy I can see why you are thinking of leaving. In your place, I already would have left him.

 

 

Yep, I agree. This guy has absolutely no respect for you. He treats you like his slave and chats up other women. I think it is time to leave..and have a good talk with your family about exactly what has been going on and why you are leaving.

[agent1607307371]

Wow, just read your other post. Where you use the word "good", I'd substitute for another words altogether.

 

Leave him. He's pathetic and a loser, don't let him drag you down. Don't let your family make you stay, they obviously think being married is more important than being happy (unless they don't know about the cheating). He's treating you like a skivvy.

[ladyblue07]

Yeah, I think you need to tell him that you can't do his work anymore because you have to focus on trying to keep your job and the baby. If he finds it too hard to study at home, he can go to a coffee shop or library! There is no excuse for totally ignoring his work all semester and then expecting you to do it. If he never learned good study habits maybe the school has counselors who can help with that kind of problem.

If he's just not bright enough to handle the work, well, then he is going to end up failing eventually when a class that doesn't grade just on take home assignments comes up, so it's just a waste of time and money to keep him going.

 

If you wanted to be passive aggressive, you could try telling him you can't do the work anymore because it's too hard for you and you don't understand it. Maybe after he gets some bad grades on the stuff you did he'll stop expecting you to do it for him.

 

But of course that's not really the ideal way to do things. I definitely think you should try talking to your family and see if any of them are willing to help you get out of this situation.

[Nymph]

I know exactly how you feel. My husband an I started going to college three years ago. The first year was great, we were both very happy. We both worked full time jobs on top of school, although I have to admit his job was harder than mine. We both managed to maintain 4.0 GPAss through it all and we both felt very proud.

 

Then the second year of classes started. He detests writing and reading, but had two classes that consisted of nothing but reading his books and writing papers about what he had read. He lagged behind and during midterms came to me, frantic because he was going to fail. Of course he blamed it on having to work so hard to support our lifestyle while I got to spend my day at a job I love. Did the guilt trip work? Yes. I knew he was working harder than me and hated his job, and I really do love mine. I decided that maybe he was right, it was fair that I should do more to even our balance. I helped him write six weeks worth of papers in three nights time. He ended up maintaining his 4.0 GPA for that semester, as did I.

 

Then the next semester hits. I'm thanking the heavens that our last semester was over because it was so much stress for me. Then I learned that he had yet another writing class. Well guess what happens during that semester? Same thing, except he told me two week before the semester ended. During that semester I had a project class, where every few weeks we were assigned a large scale project with a deadline of two weeks. During the time he came to me, I had just been assigned my final project for the quarter. I rush through his papers, and he whined they weren't good enough and I was going to get him a failing grade. Meanwhile my final project was a quickly thrown together and poor attempt that earn me a very low grade. In the end he 'earned' his 4.0 while my grade suffered.

 

This went on for an entire year. He ended up losing his job which was tough on us. I had to get a second one in order to meet our bills. I remember thinking it might be a blessing in disguise, even though it was draining. Surely he would be able to do his own homework if he stayed at home all day? Especially when I was still managing to raise my GPA back up, while working two jobs and attending a full time college schedule. I checked in with him regularly to make sure he was getting his work done, I offered to proof read any of his work and help him out where needed. I started to get worried because I hadn't seen a single paper, this is a month into the quarter, but he told me he had it under control.

 

Fast forward another month, he comes crying to me that his professor had lost all of the papers and my husband didn't think to save them onto his computer. Can I please help him rewrite them, and by rewrite he meant write them for him. The next night I was at the college alone and I stopped by his professors office. I asked the teacher to clarify the situation, and as I suspected my husband had not been turning anything in. As you can imagine I was infuriated. I flat out refused to help him, in any fashion. Did he try to guilt trip me? Yes. Did he whine and beg? You betcha. But I stood my ground. I earned straight A's of the first time in a year during that semester. You know what else? He did to. He managed to work out a deal with his professor and he stuck to it. Has he asked me to write another paper since then? Yes. Each and every time I refuse. He is asking less and less now, and actually earning his 4.0 again.

 

I know this is a long post, and I apologize for writing you a book lol. I let my husband walk all over me and it was ruining my marriage. To be honest, he still walks all over me in some regards but I'm working on it. Even if my husband had been threatened with losing his place at our college, I would not have helped out anymore. I was losing my marriage and myself by doing these 'simple' tasks for him. You are doing enough in your marriage. In my humble opinion, it is time that he be forced to recognize this. He is an adult and he must hold himself responsible for things such as schoolwork. He may fail out of school, but he will learn a valuable lesson regardless.

[mrmellow]

the whole point of homework is to help him learn... you're not doing him any favors by doing it for him... (tutoring/helping him with it is fine but not actually doing it)

 

reverse the roles... would YOU ever put HIM in a that position? I realize this is your husband but there's a line between helping your spouse through tough times and enabling your spouse to use you as a safety net while he slacks off...

 

 

If you really want to help him tell him you'll help him with his homework but he has to actually do it (otherwise he's not learning anything). Sit next to him, talk him through the problems, but don't lay a single mark on any one of his homework papers.

 

If he's uninterested in the above and you really want out of the relationship, well this is as good an excuse as any... he is using you, and it's damaging the family dynamic, if he's not willing to take responsibility and make it right then there's no reason for you to keep picking up the pieces.

[Ms Darcy]

Yep, I agree. This guy has absolutely no respect for you. He treats you like his slave and chats up other women. I think it is time to leave..and have a good talk with your family about exactly what has been going on and why you are leaving.

 

 

I'll reiterate this comment. He does not respect you. He was unfaithful and he views you as his subordinate, not his equal. As stated, you need to leave and talk to your family. Just because they turned him against you it does not mean that you have no influence in how they view you.

 

Realize, you are essentially alone now even though you are in a relationship.

[Foraroh]

Wow... I read the other linked post..... Yes indeed he is treating you very poorly and unless you tell him where to 'go' he is going to continue.

 

In relation to school he is just not ready to be there. If his education is important he will engage in his studies and get to work. Right now he is doing nothing but wasting money and probably skipping class to go do other things that you probably don't want to know about..

 

Frankly I would tell him to get out and work on getting you and your daughter to a happier place.

 

goodluck!