Breaking Up after over 11 years of marriage

[Nite]

My husband and I have been married for over 11 years. I thought he and I were a happily married couple. Somehow, I always feel that he would lie to me, betray me and give me a broken heart eventually. I really love him and I want to commit to him eternally but there is always the lack of security.

 

He likes sex alot but I always find myself sexually frustrated with him. It is not that he is not good looking. I always want/need to make sure he gets the best of sex, however when it comes to my needs, he can't fulfill them. I always feel lonely and hurt because I think he does not make an effort to do it right with me. I try to let him know but it is always harder when he always think that it is hard to understand what I need or want. I know he thinks that other women would not have the same problem like mine.

 

I am a firm believer of being faithful to only one person. My husband said he was too but he showed me otherwise. He likes porn and I allow him to watch porn to make up for my deficiency in sex and also to ensure he has a fulfilling sex life even when I cannot be a part of it fully. I have told him before that porn sex does not apply to me cause the girl in the porn being pleasured is not me. But in my heart, I know if it is not porn action, he does not know how to give me pleasure. I can't be any frank with him because it worries me that he would have divorced me. Nevertheless, one day, I found out that he was secretly looking online for other women in the area to have a sexual relationship with. I threatened to move out but he was so miserable, I forgave him and stayed.

 

Recently, I still see him going online and doing things that make me suspect that he can have other women without me knowing. I am so hurt right now that I don't think our marriage can survive anymore. I am also feeling guilty in continuing this marriage. I feel that I have cheated him out of a good sex relationship that he can have with another women. My feelings are telling me to leave him because I would end up being more miserable as the years go by. Mentally, I am not really sure what I should do.

[KG]

First off, welcome to ENA.

 

I'm sorry things are going badly. From your post, you seem to take the blame for him not giving you pleasure. Yet it sounds as if you try to make yourself available to him. So how does he translate that into "defieceny of sex life"?

 

He sounds very selfish, and having been caught once, he should be bending over backwards for you taking him back.

 

Counseling perhaps? I'm sure his ego wouldn't accept that.

 

Perhaps cut him loose, find someone to take care of you....

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

This is definitely more of a communication issue than a sex issue. Therapy might definitely help both of you. Does he seem interested in divorce or are you kind of advancing this to yourself out of negative emotions?

 

You need to ask yourself exactly what you want and ask him what he wants.

[Pixiedoc]

You have definitely NOT cheated HIM out of a fulfilling sexual relationship - it is clearly the other way round.

 

Nothing wrong with porn as long as it spices up your love life FOR BOTH OF YOU - and we all know the women on there fake so for sharing it's good but NOT instead of and definitely NOT to make your partner feel inadequate.

 

It's a shame you haven't been able to talk about this issue a long time ago, but now it seems you are taking all the blame and he is making no effort at all.

 

It's perfectly possible to leave this relationship and find a loving, caring one with great communication and someone who is attentive to YOUR needs in a way in which your husband is not.

 

People often say sex should not be at the centre of any relationship but good communication is and he has no excuse to use internet sites to try and get sex rather than talking properly with you.

 

Do you feel you are at the point of no return in the relationship or if he was willing to change/go to counselling could you consider staying in it? He may do this if he became very upset when you threatened to end it.....

[rocio]

Before you start to discuss divorce, can you sit him down and say that you need to teach each other how he can satisfy you? Be blatantly honest, yet inaccusing and good humored.

[Nite]

I felt pain more than pleasure whenever he touched me. So he stopped and I have accepted that it is my body problem. I also felt guilty in denying him. In order to make up for that, I give him pleasure through other means such as oral and porn but I always know he wants more.

 

I have considered counseling.... if we can afford one.

[Pixiedoc]

Hey, there could be medical reasons for this (do you tense up?) which can be remedied, even by researchin on the net by yourself without expensive counselling - have you tried? Are you o.k. - by yourself for want of a better phrase (sorry I'm English I mean, can you satisfy yourself? If so, there is plenty that can be done to sort this out....

[Nite]

I don't hurt if I pleasure myself but when he did it, I hurt. I always felt tense and dry. Maybe he does not know what pleasures a woman. He liked to go for the sensitive parts right away because he likes that I rub his penis immediately without foreplay and while he is looking at porn. I tried to talk to him several times about my feelings but we still have the same problem. In the end, I believe the problem is my body. He accepts the fact and he says he can live without us being sexually active. However, his act of searching for other women has increased my insecurity and I am on the way to mental breakdown.

[rocio]

Your body sounds a lot like mine. But then, every woman's body is different. And its like an obstacle course down there.

 

There is nothing wrong with your body. You are a normal woman. ... Unless there is something wrong with being a woman? But how is that possible? We are the givers of life. Is there anything more normal in the world?

[becca0194]

I don't hurt if I pleasure myself but when he did it, I hurt. I always felt tense and dry. Maybe he does not know what pleasures a woman. He liked to go for the sensitive parts right away because he likes that I rub his penis immediately without foreplay and while he is looking at porn. I tried to talk to him several times about my feelings but we still have the same problem. In the end, I believe the problem is my body. He accepts the fact and he says he can live without us being sexually active. However, his act of searching for other women has increased my insecurity and I am on the way to mental breakdown.

 

There are places that you can get therapy and you can pay what you can afford. Perhaps if you ask your doctor or google mental health, it could lead you in the right direction. What this sounds like is someone who is taking care of his needs and robbing you of any and all self esteem you have. He has looked for other women and blames you? You deserve better then that. Besides a terrible husband for cheating on you, he is the one that is a terrible lover who makes sure "his" needs are met. Personally, i don't think someone like this will change. I know people can, but you have to be open minded for that to happen. So, you need to make a choice to continue being with someone that does not treat you well or move forward, stand on your own two feet and evetually you will meet someone who loves you and cares about you in all areas of your life. If you want me to help you find a therapist that works with money issues, feel free to PM me. I am suggesting the therapy as a way for YOU to see things more clearly and make decisions that are best for YOU.