She said that she is bored

[i miss her 2]

My gf and I have been together for almost 4 years and we have been living together for about 9 months. Anyway, lately we have been arguing a bit.

 

Last night I noticed that she wasn't being as affectionate with me and I said something about it. She said it was because she is sick (usually I don't let her kiss me or anything when she is sick).

 

Then something else happened (I don't really remember what) and I said that I might as well leave because I don't feel wanted here. She then tells me that she hasn't been affectionate because she is bothered by what I said the other day when I told her that I thought she shouldn't model( she goes and meets strangers that take her pics). She took this as me not "being supportive" of her modeling. I will admit that a few weeks ago I brought up her modeling thing and I said that I think she does it because she likes attention. She told me that she was very offended by this statement. I'm not really sure how to make it up to her other than saying, "I'm sorry."

 

 

We then start talking about how we have different priorites right now (I'm trying to get my music to take off and she is in school to become a writer).

 

She said that sometimes she is bored here with me and hates how we just keep doing the same thing...we both go to work and then come home to work on our future careers (mine is music and hers is writing/school). THis has nothing to do with "US" though as far as I'm concerned. Even if we were single we would still be doing the same things. I think she feels like she is on a different level than me now because she has more education.

 

I told her that I just wanted to make things better and that I did support her modeling thing. I told her I loved her and she replied. She did kiss me this morning which is a good thing I guess.

 

I just need to figure out what to do from here to make things better between us. Any advice?

[Pegasus]

My gf and I have been together for almost 4 years and we have been living together for about 9 months. Anyway, lately we have been arguing a bit.

 

Together for 4 years and you didn't propose marriage? Relationship has to grow in order to make it work. If you take a look at "break up" section of this board you will notice that 3rd year of relationship results in a lot of breakups because people really get to know each other after a time and things become stalled. Stalled means boring.

 

Last night I noticed that she wasn't being as affectionate with me and I said something about it. She said it was because she is sick (usually I don't let her kiss me or anything when she is sick).

This is most probably just a womanese which should be translated into - back off, I am not in the mood.

 

She took this as me not "being supportive" of her modeling. I will admit that a few weeks ago I brought up her modeling thing and I said that I think she does it because she likes attention.

Oh man, straight into a mine field. I don't think you could do anything worse than that. Of course she likes attention - I don't personally know for any woman that does not like it.

 

She told me that she was very offended by this statement. I'm not really sure how to make it up to her other than saying, "I'm sorry."

So in 4 years with her you learned nothing about her? Nothing how to get out of bad situation except saying "I'm sorry."? Do you ever listen to her?

 

We then start talking about how we have different priorites right now (I'm trying to get my music to take off and she is in school to become a writer).

I would bet that she was the one saying you two have different priorities....that's the way it usually works.

 

I just need to figure out what to do from here to make things better between us. Any advice?

You bored her to death and you obviously think that you can actually be in a relationship with a woman by doing nothing to keep it alive. Well, you will be surprised but it won't work. Specially if she is attractive and has other options. I am also sure she has given you a lot of hints about this before she actually worded it which you just ignored.

 

If you want to salvage this - start doing things that initially attracted her to you. Doing nothing is a sure way to get her leave you, (again) specially if she is attractive and have other options. On another hand - if girl has zero options she will most likely stay no matter what.

 

Good luck!

[hockeyboy]

Does she get paid for this "modeling"? Where does she meet these people?

[i miss her 2]

Does she get paid for this "modeling"? Where does she meet these people?

 

 

No, she doesn't. She meets them off the internet and then they go meet somewhere in public. I was concerned because just a few weeks ago she was talking to one of the "photographers" on there and then put two and two together and realized it was actually th is guy that use to stalk her.

[i miss her 2]

[quote=

 

You bored her to death and you obviously think that you can actually be in a relationship with a woman by doing nothing to keep it alive. Well, you will be surprised but it won't work. Specially if she is attractive and has other options. I am also sure she has given you a lot of hints about this before she actually worded it which you just ignored.

 

If you want to salvage this - start doing things that initially attracted her to you. Doing nothing is a sure way to get her leave you, (again) specially if she is attractive and have other options. On another hand - if girl has zero options she will most likely stay no matter what.

 

Good luck!

 

Well, does it sound like it is too late? I thought about telling her tonight that when I get paid again we could try and go do something fun. What other "little things" can I do to make it so she isn't "bored to death."

[Pegasus]

Well, does it sound like it is too late? I thought about telling her tonight that when I get paid again we could try and go do something fun. What other "little things" can I do to make it so she isn't "bored to death."

 

If she haven't find somebody else or fall in love with somebody else - it is not too late.

 

And no, don't tell her you could try to do something nice - just arrange it and do it. It will be nice surprise. Nobody likes predictable people.

[i miss her 2]

If she haven't find somebody else or fall in love with somebody else - it is not too late.

 

And no, don't tell her you could try to do something nice - just arrange it and do it. It will be nice surprise. Nobody likes predictable people.

 

Well, I would like to do something RIGHT NOW, but I have no money until next Monday. What could I do in this situation?

 

I think there is this guy from her class that she likes talking to. That's all I know.

 

Also, do you think I should apologize again for what I said about her modeling or just leave it be? She did kiss me goodbye this morning and we said "I love you" though I don't know if she really meant it.

[drewciouS281]

sometimes people get comfortable and the spark dies. although you guys are busy, try switching up the routine so the spark can come back but both parties need to contribute to this.

[hockeyboy]

No, she doesn't. She meets them off the internet and then they go meet somewhere in public. I was concerned because just a few weeks ago she was talking to one of the "photographers" on there and then put two and two together and realized it was actually th is guy that use to stalk her.

 

umm, then you are right to not support her in this IMO. Besides it being weird, it is potentially very dangerous.

[Ms Darcy]

Pegasus makes a lot of good points that I think you should really key in on.

 

First ... where is the discussion about the future? Talking about 'different priorities' sounds like she's wondering if you have compatible life goals for the future. You should really talk about this, and about marriage (or some other commitment) very soon. After four years, you need to be on the same page on this.

 

Second ... I was also struck by her honesty in saying that she's bored. You should ask her what kinds of things she would like to do that are inexpensive (and even propose some suggestions like hiking, going to a museum, having a picnic, and finding a free show to attend nearby or whatnot). Then, you should take the initiative and plan the date.

 

As you move forward, I think you should rethink this living together thing. It breeds boredom - especially when there is no commitment to a shared future. But, like has been said, if she's not cheating, then there is still hope.

 

Your focus should not be on apologizing, but rather really listening to the things she's saying right now.

[mca1975]

To the OP:

 

Do something interesting together, something fun! Rock climbing, it builds trust and is fun and challenging!

 

You need to add new exciting things into the relationship now to keep it "burning" so to speak. It has got into a rut basically. You need to do something nice together and have a bit of time apart also maybe, that always helps.

 

Go for walks together.

 

Maybe she is worried that you don't find her attractive anymore? Do you? If so, tell her. It sounds like her modelling is important in making her feel attractive. Support her dreams, she should support yours also. If you don't support someones dreams/feelings, then it will lead to that person thinking you do not respect them.

[Mutley]

I just need to figure out what to do from here to make things better between us. Any advice?

 

Start dating her again.

[mca1975]

Start dating her again.

 

Good advice, this does work!

[i miss her 2]

Start dating her again.

 

Haha ok but I feel like I never stoped. Even since we have been living together, we still go out to eat alot, and occassionally some movies. I guess I need more things to do.

[i miss her 2]

umm, then you are right to not support her in this IMO. Besides it being weird, it is potentially very dangerous.

 

She claims that it's safe because she meets them from a professional site and reads reviews about the photographer before meeting them. Like I said though, this one had been sending her emails and one small thing on the last email made her realize it was this guy from myspace that use to stalk her. The guy actually moved over here to be closer to her. I know, freakin crazy, right? I'm actually really pissed off about it and I think that is part of the reason I kind of trashed on her idea of continuing to do this. I guess I just didn't express myself very well.

[i miss her 2]

To the OP:

 

 

Maybe she is worried that you don't find her attractive anymore? Do you? If so, tell her.

 

Yes, I do. She was sick about a week ago and I wouldn't kiss her or anything because I didn't want to get sick...maybe she took it the wrong way.

[drewciouS281]

she has to be really careful about who she meets to photograph. My girlfriend also does modeling and she has people that confront her all the time at public places saying they would like to photograph her. she doesnt give them any of her info but asks for a business card or website. One time she gave a guy her email address and i got on her case because her email address states her full name. she thought it was harmless but then agreed with me after i explained the scams.

[i miss her 2]

Your focus should not be on apologizing, but rather really listening to the things she's saying right now.

 

 

Ok, I'm just kind of worried that maybe I really did hurt her feelings when I said a few weeks ago that I thought she did modeling just because she likes attention. I feel like this because she mentioned it last night. I told her that I do support her modeling and she said she doesn't even believe me. Not really sure what I can do at this point to even get her to believe me.

[hockeyboy]

Your focus should not be on apologizing, but rather really listening to the things she's saying right now.

 

Apologize for what?

 

Ok, I'm just kind of worried that maybe I really did hurt her feelings when I said a few weeks ago that I thought she did modeling just because she likes attention. I feel like this because she mentioned it last night. I told her that I do support her modeling and she said she doesn't even believe me. Not really sure what I can do at this point to even get her to believe me.

 

It sounds like you already did apologize. I'm not sure I would even do that. I may apologize for how you confronted her (can't say without haven been there) but I would stick to my guns about my concerns of what's she's doing.

 

Just because she disagrees/is upset/etc, does not mean you are in the wrong.

[Ms Darcy]

Ok, I'm just kind of worried that maybe I really did hurt her feelings when I said a few weeks ago that I thought she did modeling just because she likes attention. I feel like this because she mentioned it last night. I told her that I do support her modeling and she said she doesn't even believe me. Not really sure what I can do at this point to even get her to believe me.

 

I'm a little concerned that you key in on the things that worry you but not the most important things. Two posters have asked you if you have long term commitment plans for this woman but no answer. Do you? I think that will help in figuring out how to proceed.

[i miss her 2]

I'm a little concerned that you key in on the things that worry you but not the most important things. Two posters have asked you if you have long term commitment plans for this woman but no answer. Do you? I think that will help in figuring out how to proceed.

 

 

I'm not sure at the moment.

[Ms Darcy]

Have you talked to her about what she wants for the long term?

[Pegasus]

I'm not sure at the moment.

 

Were you sure 3 months ago?

[i miss her 2]

Well, I screwed up last night pretty bad. We watched a movie together and she cuddled with me and everything.

 

Then later last night she said she was gonna take a shower. She wanted to take it alone, and I got in with her anyway, and she got mad and said I didn't respect her wishes. So I said, "Fine, I'm just gonna move out. That's what you want anyway isn't it?" She replied with, "Sometimes I do and sometimes I don't."

 

So she came out out of the shower finally and went to bed. I went into the bed room to talk to her and she basically said that she thinks we can do better living on our own. She said that way I can see what it's like to take care of everything myself (paying all the bills, cleaning, etc.) She also said that I can get my music done and get back in school. She said it will be easier for her to work on her school as well. I told her I was going back to school in the fall and she said, "oh really? Well, you always say that." She thinks that I'm not motivated if she is around. I said that I think we can do just fine the way we are and we can work things out.

 

I then said, that I won't be coming back if we move out seperately. She did not understand this and acted as if we weren't going to break up, but just live on our own for a w hile. She then used a couple from her work as an example for this who has been together and a part then together again a couple of times.

 

I had a vey hard time sleeping last night and this morning I just layed next to her. I brushed her hair and held her hand. She didn't act irritated but she didn't act completely receptive either. We had breakfast in the kitchen and I asked her about dinner plans and just made more random small talk. I said nothing about what was said last night.

 

I went back into the bed because I don't have to be at work for a few more hours. She came over to me and kissed me and then said that she would see me later?

 

So am I completely doomed here or what? I think there is a good chance that she's just frustrated right now with the thought of her going back to school.

[Mutley]

I think the party's over. Sorry. Turn out the lights.

 

1) Her being "bored" was probably the nail in the coffin. Couldn't be sure just from that, though.

 

2) Now her wanting to move out definitely is.

 

I never heard of them moving back in, once they move out.