boyfriend having out of town girl (friend) stay with him

[sweetharmony]

I've been dating this guy for about two months now. He's already expressed wanting to be exclusive and we've had sex recently. He tells me he cares for me, but the problem is that he's a flirt. I usually don't get jealous, b/c I've had long-term relationships where I give the guy freedom to hang out w/ his friends and such, so this jealousy thing is new to me. He's from South America, so the cultural differences is there and I've expressed my concern about his constant flirting and he's eased up a bit (he was glad that i was open about it). But ther problem is this.

 

I haven't seen him for a few days. He told me last week he was going back home for spring break (4 hours away) so I'm not going to see him for two weeks- fine. I'm okay with that. Just today he told me that he misses me and wants to see me but he studies a lot (in med school) and this Friday, his out of town friend (who's a girl) is coming down and staying with him and they're going Saturday to a Wedding together- he's her date. Well, he didn't invite me to meet the girl (fine), but she's satying with him. He only has one bed in his apartment, so I'm assuming she's sleeping in his bed. and then they're going to a wedding together and staying at a hotel. it's sort of makes me frustrated, esp... since he didn't tell me until today (two days before). Am I overreacting? is this normal. I've never had someone I was dating do something like this. Most of the guys wouldn't even flirt w/ another girl out of respect. They would talk, but causally.

 

thanks.

[Mar]

I suppose this is entirely up to how much you trust this guy. I have to give him credit for even telling you, knowing it might upset you. That, to me, says that he wants to be open with you about what's going on in his life and who's in it currently. Does he have a couch? She may sleep there. And even if she sleeps in his bed, that does NOT guarantee that he's going to cheat on you with her! *grinds teeth at the thought of my fiance sleeping with another female "friend"*

 

Oh yes, I can understand the jealousy you must feel. But I ALSO understand the absolute need for trust in a relationship-he didn't need to tell you about this girl or going to this wedding with her, but he did. That tells me that he's being absolutely honest with you and wants everything out in the open so there are no nasty surprises later. I think this guy really loves you, and unless you get proof that he's cheated on you, thank your lucky stars that you have a guy that honest!

 

Mar

[Emmylu]

I don't like this. Even if you trust him, I'm against "friends" of opposite sex sleeping together in one bed. Modern people think I'm old fashioned, but I think the old school social rules exist for a good reason. I mean, if we're so "liberated" and casual about these things in this day and age, then why are you upset about it? The truth is that this is just wrong! It's not a matter of jealousy or lack of trust. It's just etiquette and proper conduct!

[Baby_doll]

Wow-if I was in this situation (being the jealous type!), I wouldn't be able to stop myself feeling negative thoughts! Why did he not invite you to go with him? (If you don't mind me asking) Okay, so the fact that he told you about the whole thing suggests that he is being honest, but on the other hand, the fact that he only told you with two days to go, means that you can't really do or say anything about it now because it's so close.

I'm having one of my guy friends over to stay at my house, but I have told my boyfriend with at least a week in advance and I have asked his opinion about it and made sure that he's completely confortable with it- and we are definitely going to sleep in separate beds! Also, we are not attracted to each other in the slightest and we will not be alone in my house.

I think maybe you are worrying about it because the details of it are so sketchy? Yeah, your boyfriend has told you about it, but has he mentioned this girl before? Maybe you shouldn't worry about it for the meanwhile, because there's not really anything you can do about it. But, if I were you, I'd sit down with my boyf and talk it over-It's not an overreaction if it's genuinely bothering you..

[slc333]

That's definitely a tough one.

I would not be comfortbale with that. Why didn't he ask you to go with him if he misses you so bad? That brings up warning signs if you ask me. I'm a guy, and I would not expect any girlfriend to be okay with that. I wouldn't even try that!

 

Did you brush him off about him wanting to be exclusive? Or did you act indifferent? He may be trying to make you jealous if you're being wishy washy with him about making a commitment. I understand your hesitation. I mean who really wants a flirtatious partner? Most people don't.

 

There's not much you really can do at this point. You just need to decide if you want to deal with this if it continues to happen. I'd talk to him I suppose. Or you could play it cool and keep your distance. But yes. I'd say this is not a normal thing for most relationships. I think it is rather disrespectful myself, and I'm not even old fashioned.

 

Good luck

[woopsydaisy]

yeah there is something defienetly wrong here .Yeah i admire the man for being honest...but i wouldnt allow my girlfriend to do that .I feel you can only push trust to far.Its not unlimited and it should not be taken advantage of.....i agree with emmylu about the etiquette bit.But it also depends on the response you gave him..if you havent totally told him how you feel he might just take advantage of you...that doesnt mean he will sleep with her though.Put your foot down and set some ground rules...i know you have had words with him about the flirting..but now i feel you may need to have a few more serious words with him.

[sweetharmony]

everyone, thanks for the replies. I didn't even see the replies until today. Well, to answer some questions, he didn't invite me to the wedding because the girl getting married is his friend's friend. he was invited by her (to be her date), so he didn't ge the invite. i assume he was invited by this girl several months ago, before we started dating, but i'm just pissed he didn't say anything earlier-until just two days before the wedding. there are other things that bother me too about him.

 

he invited me to his medical prom a few weeks ago. It took me like a half hour to do my hair (i did it up) and he told me that he liked it down better- i didn't ask his opinion) so i took it down (i shouldn 't have, now that i'm thinking about it) my hair looked pretty good up.

at the prom (i didn't know anyone) he introduced me to a few people, but basically left me to socialize myself. well, good thing i can socialize pretty well after a few drinks. he even danced with other girls before me. we spent maybe 30% of the night together.

before the prom, he told me that it would be a good idea to get my eyebrows waxed.

i've never had a guy this picky before. i'm thinking of talking to him again and if things don't shape up, then i'm cutting ties before any emotion is involved. yeah, he told me the truth, but i would never flirt like he does. and i've been in relationships where the guy is respectful. there is a huge difference b/w talking to a girl and flirting. My exes were allowed to socialize with girls and huys (i'm not possesive) and i too like to socialize. it's making me too annoyed.