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Role reversal - now i'm chasing him!


Laymisse

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I posted recently about a guy i know, who's liked me since January and who i kept pushing away but got close to in the last few weeks as a friend. Just to very quickly recap that post, he told me last week he didn't want to see me anymore (as friends) because it hurt him too much as i didn't reciprocate his feelings for me - i know that's he's been crazy about me for ages.

 

The problem is, since he's not contacting me anymore i miss him so much! I know that's wanting what you can't have but when we went out as friends, we got on so so well and it's my last week at University and i really want to see him before i leave. I emailed him and told him that i missed him but i would respect his wishes if that's what he really wanted (i understand how hard it is to care for someone who doesn't feel the same), and he replied with that he was finding his decision hard too. Also that he would change his mind and see me as a friend as he didn't want to lose my friendship. I haven't heard from him since then, apart from i messaged him today to wish him a happy birthday, and it's driving me crazy. I miss him so much but - and don't blast for me this - i have pride and i don't want to seem like i'm begging for him to see me before i go home on saturday. I won't see him for four months and i just want to meet up before i go.

However, although his email said all the right things i got a cool vibe - maybe it's just me, all my friends told me it was a nice message but something was definitely off.

 

Should i ask him to meet up, and if so how should i do it?? It's kind of awkward too as i'm so busy with exams and stuff for the next few days (as is he) but i really want to see him without seeming desperate, clingy or making him feel he has to see me.

 

Help please! Thanks guys

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If you have no romantic interest in this guy you should do him a favour and leave him alone. His original decision was the right one and was in his best interests. Now you have stirred all this hurt up for him again and are just going to make it worse. Let him move on and be able to have a romantic interest in someone else. Anything else would be unfair.

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I have been the guy in this situation. I even made a mistake and assumed that her feelings had changed. But no, they were not. She only came after me because she felt rejected now. IMO women don't take to rejection well, whether it is friendship, romantic, or sexual.

 

You want him now because he has started to move on. You want him as a friend that you know likes you. That is an awesome ego booster for you. You will keep him as a very good friend but I doubt if you will date him and have sex with him.

 

Most importantly he won't matter to you the moment you get a boyfriend.

 

Leave him alone.

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It's not that you don't 'deserve' this friendship. You were honest about your limitations and fair in upholding them, so I wouldn't view this as some form of punitive punishment being imposed on you. You're not bad, or wrong or guilty, and this doesn't have to be someone's 'fault'.

 

You can't force yourself to feel what you don't feel for someone, and attempting to do so would be a serious mistake. He's let the cat out of the bag about his feelings, which removes the option of playing innocent and cheerful. Removing that option was his choice, and while it's an unfortunate one for you, it's actually in his own best interest. I'd respect that, and I wouldn't allow the 'take away' to prompt a reaction that could land you in a more difficult position down the road.

 

It might help to imagine yourself feeling strongly about a guy who only feels a fondness for you as a friend. Imagine becoming dependent on his company knowing full well that he's likely to start dating someone else at any time. And possibly even loving her. The way you love him. That could prompt you to make the same kind of exit toward self-preservation, and it would be only fair that he respect your decision.

 

My heart goes out to you--and to him.

 

In your corner.

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It might help to imagine yourself feeling strongly about a guy who only feels a fondness for you as a friend. Imagine becoming dependent on his company knowing full well that he's likely to start dating someone else at any time. And possibly even loving her. The way you love him. That could prompt you to make the same kind of exit toward self-preservation, and it would be only fair that he respect your decision.

 

My heart goes out to you--and to him.

 

In your corner.

 

Excellent post!

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Great advice here already, attempted friendships between people where one person has unreturned feelings for the other just don't work out. Sometimes, over time, especially if the party with the unrequitted feelings gets involved with a SO, a friendship can be revisited, but that usually takes quite a bit of time. Sorry, it is a tough situation, but the mature thing is to just let them go.

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That's awesome! Major kudos for the guy getting some self respect and cutting you out of his life like that. I wish more guys would do this when women don't reciprocate and just keep guys around for "friendship", which often translates to attention, validation, or being an emotional tampon. You guys out there reading this should pay attention to what happens when you withdraw. Now she's chasing him!

 

To the OP, I have to wonder if he's following my advice here:

 

link removed

 

EDIT

There's a real possibility I helped this guy on another forum because him wussing out and contacting you sounds like something the relapse the guy I helped did. Once he went cold turkey and cut contact "absence makes the heart grow fonder" kicked in and it let her realize she actually had feelings for him. Up to that point she just took him for granted. I think the OP is getting a taste of this.

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Great advice here already, attempted friendships between people where one person has unreturned feelings for the other just don't work out. Sometimes, over time, especially if the party with the unrequitted feelings gets involved with a SO, a friendship can be revisited, but that usually takes quite a bit of time. Sorry, it is a tough situation, but the mature thing is to just let them go.

 

 

I have to agree. I am on the end of this right now and though I don't want this person out of my life, it is a necessary course of action to let her be whilst I recover and see if my feelings for her dwindle somewhat. I think she felt them back but obviously not enough to care for me like I did for her. In the end, I was subjected to the stuff the OP referred to so I left.

 

 

 

 

This is a very good thread by the way and Kudos to the OP for being honest....if you're reading and you find you DO like this guy, swallow your pride and tell him.

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If you have no romantic interest, and you know that he does, and he has made it clear that he needs to separate because his feelings are too strong, leave him alone. You may not intend to do this, but you are playing games with his emotions. When you really like someone, it is almost impossible to see them as just a friend. A part of you always wants them as something more. You are always hoping that moment will come and that spark will happen. It would be very easy for him to take your sudden interest as a sign that your feelings have changed. Depending on how much time has passed and how much he liked you, it will be easy for him to fall right back into having feelings for you. He needs to heal. He needs to get over you so he can move on and find a happy and healthy relationship with someone who will give him what you are not willing to give him. He will have a hard time doing this as long as his feelings burn bright for you. It's selfish to want to keep him to yourself even though you will never fully satisfy the yearning that he has. Do him a favor and let him be.

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  • 2 weeks later...

This is very interesting. I have a different question. If the boy is the one with the "friend" feelings, and the girl has asked to let go, yet he continues to talk with the girl and became physical with her a few times since she shared her feelings - what does this translate to? He has stated he likes her and likes being with her, confides in her still as a friend, but doesn't trust himself alone with her. I may sound naive, but don't all of these things usually equal the same attraction/feelings? And what would be stopping him from acting on these feelings?

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I'm kind of in this type of situation right now but only my situation has more parts to it and it's a bit more complicated.

 

Now for my advice. He's already stated to you that he has had a romantic interest in you but you don't have that same interest in him that he has. If you still don't have a romantic interest that complements his, leave him alone. Don't run to him because you miss his company. You move on with your life so he can move on with his.

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