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Back here after a couple of years...a little older and hopefully a bit wiser.


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About 2 years ago, I went through a devastating breakup with a woman I worked with that simply turned my world upside down for a time. I was fortunate enough to find this site, learn from the many people here who taught me about things like the No Contact rule and how to accept the breakup even though I had no real say about when and how the relationship ended.

 

It took many many months but eventually, the fog lifted and I did move on. Life again became more than trying to move on from the pain of the breakup and instead became about improving myself and my life. I got in great physical shape and felt better than I had in years. I began dating and got some self confidence back in that realm. I quit thinking about my ex at all and in fact even saw her on a couple of occassions and was basically indifferent to her and to whatever she's doing right now.

 

Then, about 6 months ago, I fell in love again. I was apprehensive but it happened. This woman seemed so into me and, even though we lived in different cities and could only see each other on weekends, I thought things were going well. Abruptly though, without warning and by e-mail, she ended the relationship about 2 weeks ago...I was devastated and really really sad.

How could this happen? How could she go from A to B in just a few days after I'd last seen her? I wanted to plead, cry, bargain, emote; all of those things we do to try to get our ex back. But I knew, even as I struggled to comprehend why, that it was over, simply because she said she was no longer willing to try or was committed to our future.

 

So why am I telling you this? Because, now I know how this works. Yes I'm in pain, yes I wish she was back, yes I want her back and am fighting all of the tempations to call, write, plead, question, extole, etc. But I"m not because I know what I must do for me...and that's to move on. With no hope or expectation for anything besides getting my life back and knowing there's likely something better out there for me than the life I thought I was making with this woman.

 

What I'm learned on ENA will help me do that....it's a pretty simple game plan but I know if I don't write it here, I might n0t actually do it...so here goes.

1. NO CONTACT at all...no e-mails, texts, calls, franatic drives to her town to try to talk to her, etc.

2. NO EXPECTATION OF CLOSURE. There is nothing she could now say that would help me at all to understand this. She already said it in her breakup e-mail (which I thought was a very tacky and cowardly way to break up, but such are our ex's).

3. THERE IS NO CLOSURE, ONLY ACCEPTANCE. I am responsible for giving that to myself; she is not responsible to help me understand that at all!

4. NO PINING OR WHINING. As much as I now want to believe that we were perfect together, the fact is, she left we aren'tperfect for that fact alone. Why would I want to be with someone who leaves when it gets tough or can't even talk about it in person? I know I will fight the "nostalgia" and "recall" of the good times, but the fact is, they are in the past and, as I've said below, "I'VE GIVEN UP ON HAVING A BETTER PAST."

 

Thanks for let me vent here guys...I know it's likely an entirely new group of people here than I got to know and love 2 years ago...that in itself is testimony to how this stuff works...as we all heal eventually and will love again..even as that love may break our hearts too for a time.

Coyote

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Hey dude,

 

I had the same thing happen. Broke up with long term early last year, devastated. Met someone in November, then she kept breaking up with me and now is finally over. I am at exactly the same stage. I understand the process and have happily stepped away. Sure I still get nostalgic, but I just really don't want to be with soeone that keeps running away at the first sign of trouble.

 

I do have one point...

Number 3 ACCEPTANCE = CLOSURE. When you accept that it is over, the other person is no longer there and you are ready to move on, you have accepted where things are and are then able to close that portion of your life. And only you can do this for yourself.

 

Keep being strong, brother.

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Number 3 ACCEPTANCE = CLOSURE. When you accept that it is over, the other person is no longer there and you are ready to move on, you have accepted where things are and are then able to close that portion of your life. And only you can do this for yourself.

 

I like what you've said here Keyman, thanks for the encouragement. I think knowing what we know from our previous breakups makes us stronger and better able to move through this current stuff...even as I'm sure (like me) you didn't plan to be back here again!

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Hey Coyote, great to see you here again, sorry it's under trying circumstances. Sounds like you have the drill down pat, best wishes in moving forward. One of the good things about learning the ropes is you can heal faster and get back to creating better options for yourself without wasting any time. Good luck man.

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Thanks Dosed...those words are greatly appreciated...and servedcold...how the heck are you? As I recall, we came on here about the same time two years ago...what's the last 18 months been like for you? I always felt a lot of support from you and the many other people who I met here. In the midst of situations that seem pretty hopeless, there's so much hope here. That helps so very much. And yes, I do know the drill...although I'm not sure this stuff ever gets much easier...we just know how to do it and what to expect.

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I'm sorry to hear you are going through this again. It's just...not...fair.

 

It's good you have wisdom to guide your healing. Going through it the first time, I've found it hard to get to this point of embracing NC, plus the other good points on your list: NE, and NW. And I'll add NB (no bargaining). Boy, did I try that one. (30 years together, I just couldn't give up without fighting for our relationship. Wish I'd known it was a waste of energy and would lead to more pain, but then, I wouldn't know it was fruitless if I hadn't tried.) ](*,)

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Welcome back Coyote!

 

I am so sorry about your recent pain. One partner quitting in what appears to be "a good relationship", seems to have reached epidemic proportions lately. I have been reading about it here and on other forums.

 

I know the pain and shock of having been dumped suddenly, keeps you stagnated in that "I cannot believe it state" for what seems like an inifinite period of time. But the good thing is, it is not a permanent state. With time, you will be able to digest and accept the situation, even though the pain may still linger for a while. But you will get pass this. Your previous relationship must have taught you, that the pain is transitional and will cease and terminate eventually.

 

For now, just ride it out as best as you can and keep posting on ENA, "to get it out of your system".

 

Stay strong!

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Thanks cristal...you may be going through this for the first time, but it sounds like you have a lot of wisdom. I'm not sure the pain is any different, but what is different is knowing I can't let it control me or my actions. I don't think I understood (or rather wouldn't accept) that in my previous breakups, the fact that I wanted it to work really didn't mean anything to my ex partners. I now know that, regardless of what I might say, it's done. Simple as that. It sucks and it hurts and maybe it's not right, but it just is. I think the encouragement of others here is what helps us stick with our pain, so we can move through it and past it eventually.

 

Journeynow...wow....30 years, that's a long time. I'm so sorry. Like you, I've lingered in relationships in the past where my partners were not as committed as I was...that simply prolongs and deepens the pain when it finally does end. But know your efforts to fight for the relationship show the capacity your have to love deeply, and the right partner will cherish that. I know that's been a great frustration of mine, as I want that determination and stick-to-it-ness to mean something to my partner. Unfortunately, that doesn't always matter at all, and in fact in my experience it's pushed people away further and faster at times. Stay the course. Embrace it. It does get better.

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Oh Coyote, to clarify, currently I am not going through any pain.

 

My wisdom must have stemmed from being an alumni of heartbreak. I know the the drill enough to know that it does not last forever and that you just gotta bear down on the pain, everytime that it raises its ugly head.

 

I am just a graduate of the school of hardknocks, as many us here on ENA are.

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Glad you aren't in the throse of it cristal but are still here to lend support to those who are...I think it seems that some of us continue to reenroll in that school of hardknocks...I'm not sure why that is. I think I have the breakup recovery stuff down, it's the early phase of the relationship (who I'm picking) that I think I need the most help with...that's likely another part of this website! Lol.

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Glad you aren't in the throse of it cristal but are still here to lend support to those who are...I think it seems that some of us continue to reenroll in that school of hardknocks...I'm not sure why that is. I think I have the breakup recovery stuff down, it's the early phase of the relationship (who I'm picking) that I think I need the most help with...that's likely another part of this website! Lol.

 

For most of us, it is a work-in-progress, something that I am still learning. It sucks, because there is no real blue-print for this. It is all trial error. And for me, it always seems to result in failure.

 

If this is any consolation to you, most of us are afflicted with the 'early phase" relationship curse.

 

So please do not take it personal.

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hi Coyote9 sorry to hear that you are going through the mill again, i too joined here about 2 years ago and i found someone new again.

 

its good that you took on board the lessons learned 2 years ago, i was brought to my knees and really struggled my first heartbreak at 39 and the learning curve was steep.

 

but you do learn, and i found that it made me so much stronger and much better equipped to deal with what life throws at you, i now know how deep i can dig and still survive.

 

journeynow your chasing andbargaining wasnt to no avail, you now know that you did all you could and that there are no what ifs left floating around and as coyote9 so eloquently said you demonstrated a capacity to love deeply and in my book that says alot about a person.

 

coyote9 youve been here before and that will stand to you, while there are no shortcuts at least you now know the direct route.

 

best of luck to you all.

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coyote9 youve been here before and that will stand to you, while there are no shortcuts at least you now know the direct route.

 

best of luck to you all.

 

 

Thanks for the encouragement Lugh...this is very helpful! I know I don't want to waste the time and energy in longing, wondering and feeling stuck that I did when was dumped out the previous relationship 2 years ago. Life is two short, and what meeting this last woman has shown me (even though it didn't work out and getting dumped still hurts) is that I can recover and love again.

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Hi Coyote,

 

Sorry to hear about your current bump in the road. This is a great post and helpful to me. I was also broken up with by an e-mail. That is more insulting to me then the fact that the relationship no longer worked for him. I found this forum and it has been a great help. I started on the Getting Back Together board and think I am on my way to this healing board. Thank you again for the positive post.

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Hi Coyote,

 

Sorry to hear about your current bump in the road. This is a great post and helpful to me. I was also broken up with by an e-mail. That is more insulting to me then the fact that the relationship no longer worked for him. I found this forum and it has been a great help. I started on the Getting Back Together board and think I am on my way to this healing board. Thank you again for the positive post.

 

thanks Becca...like you, I started on the getting back together board when I first found this forum two years ago...the more recent relationship breakup that brought me back here was not expected...but as I'm getting a bit further along, I can see her for who she was. We deserve more than a couple of rambling e-mails...that lack of tack and cowardiss shows us what these ex's were really made of and how fortunate we were to have seen that side of them after a few months rather than over many many years...keep on going!

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Hi Coyote,

 

Sorry to hear about your current bump in the road. This is a great post and helpful to me. I was also broken up with by an e-mail. That is more insulting to me then the fact that the relationship no longer worked for him. I found this forum and it has been a great help. I started on the Getting Back Together board and think I am on my way to this healing board. Thank you again for the positive post.

 

thanks Becca...like you, I started on the getting back together board when I first found this forum two years ago...the more recent relationship breakup that brought me back here was not expected...but as I'm getting a bit further along, I can see her for who she was. We deserve more than a couple of rambling e-mails...that lack of tact and cowardice shows us what these ex's were really made of and how fortunate we were to have seen that side of them after a few months rather than over many many years...keep on going!

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thanks Becca...like you, I started on the getting back together board when I first found this forum two years ago...the more recent relationship breakup that brought me back here was not expected...but as I'm getting a bit further along, I can see her for who she was. We deserve more than a couple of rambling e-mails...that lack of tack and cowardiss shows us what these ex's were really made of and how fortunate we were to have seen that side of them after a few months rather than over many many years...keep on going!

 

We deserved a lot more then a few cowardly e-mails. I showed the paper boy more respect when I cancelled delivery. I am glad you have the knowledge you learned from the last time you were here. Still, you are two weeks into this and will probably still experience all sorts of emotions. Hang in there !!

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Thanks Becca...I know it can be a roller coaster early on following a breakup. I also know that we choose how we get to perceive rejection...I guess I believe I have a lot to offer and she's the one who is missing out at this point....I totally cracked up at your "more respect to the paper boy" comment...so true!

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I said it to be funny, but the sad thing is...it's totally true.

 

I think this has been a great learning experience for me. I wish I could get a redo on how I handled the rejection, but know I would be much wiser if I am ever in those shoes again...

 

Has your ex made any attempt at contact?

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I have been bounced out of several relationships over the years...I think it does get easier to not toake things so personally, but then, I think I'm also more detached in general these days as a form of protection. This last one was rather unexpected in some ways, as it was long distance and there was a very strong chemistry from the start. She has not called now for almost 3 weeks....or rather I should say, we have not written or spoken. There are still some of her things here...clothes, some computer equipment, nothing that she really needs. I put them in a box and stuck them in a closet. I am surprised, given how she called me 2 or 3 times a day for much of our relationship, that she has just dropped off the face of the earth. She said in our last conversation that she hadn't met anyone new, but I know that people will say that thinking they are somehow protecting the feelings of the dumpee, which I suppose they are. So I'm walking away and not looking back on this one. We spent almost every weekend together for the past 5 months, and yet, how well can you really know someone under those circumstances? So there's a lot I don't know about her and about why she chose to end this as she did. I would make myself crazy trying to figure it out or, worse yet, thinking she could give me information that might help clarify things for me. As I said earlier here, there's no closure, only acceptance....that's what I'm trying to do. How about your situation Becca...much contact after the breakup?

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hi coyote, it seems that you are quite in tune with your own emotions and why you make the choices you do. As someone who tends to pursue emotionally unavailable partners i am interested in whether you have tried to focus on resisting the urge at the early stages of a relationship to invest time into a partner who shows the typical red flags of emotional unavailability. Are you aware of your own predisposition to seeking 'difficult' partners or difficult relationships?

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