The hardest decision I've ever had to make.

[blindw]

Hi,

I'm new to these forums so I'm not sure how they work but I really need advice at the moment. I have talked to almost everyone I know about it but nothing seems to help because I get mixed opinions from everyone.

 

Well, the situation is bad. I am an Indian Sikh girl raised in Canada and I have been dating my Muslim boyfriend for 2.5 years. He's 20 and I'm soon turning 19. He's the most amazing guy I've met. ALL my friends love him and they say he's the best guy they have ever met and that they are very happy for me. He treats me with so much respect that it surprises everyone. He's also very hard working. He has 4 jobs because he's trying to help his dad out with financial problems. He works day and night and barely gets any sleep all week but he still finds time to be there for me and has never given me a chance to complain.

 

I believe this is getting long so I'll just come to the point. Everything sounds good. His parents know about our relationship and they love me. They have no problems with it. But the problem is my parents. I knew my parents would have a problem with it because Indian culture rarely accepts these kind of marriages. They are not very religious but when I told them about my boyfriend, hoping that they would meet him once before judging him. They surprised me by yelling at me, telling I'm worthless, and asking me to get the thought of marriage out of my head. We are not planning on getting married for another 3-4 years, or at least engaged but I felt that I needed to talk to my parents about how serious things are.

 

My parents told me I'm the worst person alive for dating a Muslim and they tell me I'm crazy if I think they'll ever accept him and maybe I am, because I still hope that one day I'll be able to convince them. My mom and dad went on to say that they would prefer me dead and if they had to kill me because of this, they wouldn't mind. (It isn't uncommon for Indian parents to say that). They want me to get married to some guy that they are going to choose and that is it.

 

My boyfriend feels that he's putting my life in danger and thinks it's best for us to break up even though we both know we can't picture our lives without each other. We broke up today... and it wasn't pretty. It was the first time I saw him cry which also made me cry.

 

I barely know anything about my religion so if someone's going to ask me if I'm willing to leave it, then yes I am. After my parents found out, they did not want me to go to university (I've been getting straight A's). I thought that was crazy so I argued with them and they let me go to university but their condition was that they would drop me off and pick me up every day, which is kind of insane because I'm 18...

 

Not to mention that I'm still living with my parents (they did not let me move out for university) and I pay for my education with loans. My boyfriend's family is worried about me and said that they would be willing to take me in if anything happened and that they would also support me financially.

 

I don't know what to do. There are times when I just want to leave the house because I haven't eaten properly in 5 days but nothing seems to work. My dad is still not speaking to me but my mom is trying to make a little effort to talk but she gets mad and starts yelling at me randomly sometimes.

 

What should I do? Sorry it was so long! But I needed to explain the situation.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I think you need to pave your own way. You are an adult now and can make your own decisions. If you two love each other and are committed to each other than you should not break up simply because your parents are being controlling and abusive. How much longer are you in University for? As soon as you can move out I would suggest that you do so. Perhaps moving out and living life away from your parents, and showing them that you will not tolerate their meddling and cruelty will have a sobering effect on them.

[Umlunguusa]

wishing death on your children is NOT normal, and I HIGHLY suggest you run away from them, not for the boyfriend's sake, but for yours.

 

I'm sorry, but this is coming from someone who grew up daily being told he would've been better off dead from his own mother, and I'm now dealing with all this psychotrauma.

 

If they really would rather you dead, then your parents are monsters who care not for you or your happiness, but strictly about their own status and image.

[Umlunguusa]

I suggest you take your boyfriend's offer of temporarily (Repeat: temporarily) moving with him, and start working on supporting yourself, weaning them away.

 

I'm sorry, but your parents sound really abusive, like my parents, and no-one deserves that kind've treatment. Indian culture is NOT an excuse, I knew an indian girl who dated a Mexican guy, and her parents loved him, so that's no excuse at all.

[blindw]

I think you need to pave your own way. You are an adult now and can make your own decisions. If you two love each other and are committed to each other than you should not break up simply because your parents are being controlling and abusive. How much longer are you in University for? As soon as you can move out I would suggest that you do so. Perhaps moving out and living life away from your parents, and showing them that you will not tolerate their meddling and cruelty will have a sobering effect on them.

 

I just finished first year of university. I have 3 more years to go and after that I want to go to med school. I am hoping to move out once I'm done my Bachelor of Science in 3 years... but my parents want me to lose all contact with him. They said if they find me talking to him at all, they will get me married or simply kill me. My boyfriend said he would wait for me for 3 years but he needs a guarantee that I won't turn him down when the time comes, which is reasonable.

[blindw]

I suggest you take your boyfriend's offer of temporarily (Repeat: temporarily) moving with him, and start working on supporting yourself, weaning them away.

 

I'm sorry, but your parents sound really abusive, like my parents, and no-one deserves that kind've treatment. Indian culture is NOT an excuse, I knew an indian girl who dated a Mexican guy, and her parents loved him, so that's no excuse at all.

 

I guess my parents are just narrow minded. I have met some Indian parents that would be completely okay with something like this. But majority of the families that I have met.. would never accept it.

 

It's nice to see that someone understands what its like living with abusive people. My parents, before they found out about my boyfriend, were still abusive and controlling. I have an older brother who acts like a second father and treats me like * * * * most of the times. They ARE nice sometimes but my mom (perhaps due to financial stress) is constantly yelling at me, telling me she hates me etc. Double standards.. because I have never seen them do that to my brother. I know I need to get out.. but it's the hardest thing to do and I'll feel bad if I hurt their feelings because even after all this, I still do care about them and wouldn't want to stop talking to them for good.

 

I know I sound like a child and many people have called me crazy for this.. But I wish I wouldn't feel guilty about it. It's not that I don't want to leave, it's just that I don't know what is going to happen if I do leave.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Is there some kind of support group for young women in your culture who are facing the same kind of social and family pressures?

[blindw]

Is there some kind of support group for young women in your culture who are facing the same kind of social and family pressures?

 

Never heard of one. Domestic abuse often goes unnoticed and most women are scared to report it.

There is however, this link that I found recently and bookmarked it.

link removed

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Never heard of one. Domestic abuse often goes unnoticed and most women are scared to report it.

There is however, this link that I found recently and bookmarked it.

link removed

 

 

Perhaps you can contact them...abuse is abuse whether it is coming from a partner, parents, children whatever. It is worth calling them and talking.

[blindw]

Perhaps you can contact them...abuse is abuse whether it is coming from a partner, parents, children whatever. It is worth calling them and talking.

 

Yeah, that's the reason why I bookmarked it.

I was thinking of seeing a counsellor. There's a free counseling service at my university. Is that a good idea?

and should I try to talk to my parents about it again before making any calls?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Yeah, that's the reason why I bookmarked it.

I was thinking of seeing a counsellor. There's a free counseling service at my university. Is that a good idea?

and should I try to talk to my parents about it again before making any calls?

 

I think your parents have made their stance very clear..talking to them again will only get you more abuse. Talk to the counsellor and call the number. They will be able to give you guidance on how to deal with your parents.

[blindw]

I think your parents have made their stance very clear..talking to them again will only get you more abuse. Talk to the counsellor and call the number. They will be able to give you guidance on how to deal with your parents.

 

You are right.

I don't even know why I still think they can be convinced.

I need to stop dreaming.

Thanks for everything, I appreciate it.

[Knotty]

Is your boyfriend very religious?

 

If you are planning to go to med school after college, then why bother getting married? I thought med school takes a lot of time and commitment. I mean I understand if you really truly love each other that much, that it would be nice to be married, but you are only 18 now and in 4-6 years you may have an entirely different view of what you want in life. Right now and for the next 5+ years you are focusing on yourself and your boyfriend is very busy right now too, so I don't think it is the end of the world for you if you break up.

 

Having said that, I think your parents are completely wrong. Unfortunately, if you want their support while you get through college, then you may have to do what they say.

[blindw]

Is your boyfriend very religious?

 

If you are planning to go to med school after college, then why bother getting married? I thought med school takes a lot of time and commitment. I mean I understand if you really truly love each other that much, that it would be nice to be married, but you are only 18 now and in 4-6 years you may have an entirely different view of what you want in life. Right now and for the next 5+ years you are focusing on yourself and your boyfriend is very busy right now too, so I don't think it is the end of the world for you if you break up.

 

Having said that, I think your parents are completely wrong. Unfortunately, if you want their support while you get through college, then you may have to do what they say.

 

Well, if I listen to my parents, they will force me into an arranged marriage before I go to med school. They said I can study after I'm married..so that doesn't really help.

My boyfriend is only busy for another 2 months because by the end of this summer, they will be debt free and then he'll only be working part time to pay for his own expenses.

I understand where you are coming from and I know I sound like a 14 year old girl who thinks she's in love, but it is kind of the end of the world for me if we break up because I live in an abusive household and he's the only thing that keeps me sane right now. If I were to lose him, I would live, yes.. but I would have nothing in life that makes me happy.. except school perhaps.

[Knotty]

If I were to lose him, I would live, yes.. but I would have nothing in life that makes me happy.. except school perhaps.

You will have the future to look forward to also. You have many years ahead of you. You sound very ambitious, so I'm sure your future will be great.

 

Is it possible to have an arranged marriage in Canada? Is that legal. Can't you just refuse?

 

I agree with the others that you should try speaking with a counselor.

[blindw]

You will have the future to look forward to also. You have many years ahead of you. You sound very ambitious, so I'm sure your future will be great.

 

Is it possible to have an arranged marriage in Canada? Is that legal. Can't you just refuse?

 

I agree with the others that you should try speaking with a counselor.

 

Well, I thought I would be able to refuse. But this recently happened to my friend where her dad just threatened to kill himself and her mom if my friend didn't agree to the marriage. So, she had no choice but to say yes to them and now she's getting engaged to someone from India that she has never seen. She can only talk to him on the phone and she won't be seeing him until they are married.. and she's only 18.

So I fear if I wait too long, this might happen to me..

 

and yes, I am going to make an appointment with a counselor soon. I want to make the right decision.

[cruzer]

u guys dont want to get married for another 3-4 years, you will finish your bachelor in 3 more years right? thats when u wanted to move out as well.

 

im at loss for what you and your bf should do at this point. obviously its wrong to break up and not contact each other, but if u do and your parents find out, something bad might happen.

 

you could take your bf's parents offer up just to finish school, since your parents are obviously only giving you a roof over your head. no food, not paying for school, not being parents. Obviously u dont want to lose your parents, even if they are as bad as yours are being right now. If u end up marrying this guy, they will accept it, of course they say they wont, but if they want to be a part of your life, they will accept it.

 

i cant imagine having to leave my parents, disown them, marry and hope they accept it, but i would do whatever it took for me to be happy. if they dont want to be a part of it, they dont have to be. i know that sounds bold and unbelievable but this is my life and i go by my religion and my happiness. everything else is irrelevant

 

is it your religious or is it your parents and they are making u believe u must follow it, or you believe u must? religion is up to you and only you.

 

your 18, ur parents cannot force you to marry, its up to you to say i do. unless perhaps they are sending you to india and their laws are different

 

i wish u all the luck in the world, i cant believe there are people out there like this, regardless of culture

[blindw]

I thought your post was very encouraging and believe me these words make a huge difference when everyone else is trying to prove that you are wrong.

My boyfriend doesn't have a problem with anything. He said I can move in with him, he can even marry me today.. but it's me who wants to wait for another 3 years. I know he'll be able to support me. He's a hard working guy but I think I need to be a bit more independent before I get myself into this. I know this guy so well that I know he will never leave me at times like this even if we had a really bad relationship. He would still wait until I am able to survive on my own.

 

I do want to take my boyfriend's parents' offer but it's hard to leave everything in just a matter of seconds. But I know I shouldn't think about that if I ever want to live my life according to myself.

 

I'm not very religious but my parents are. My boyfriend is religious though but not extremely religious. He prays everyday and goes to mosque whenever he has time. He will wait for as long as I want to but he needs a guarantee that I will come back and marry him.. not just come back and turn him down and say I can't do it.

[Dominique72]

I think you have the right to be happy and if others don't like it, too bad for them, you are not intentionally trying to hurt your parents, it's them who want to hurt you by limiting your life. It's hard to leave everything behind? yes it is, but isn't it hard to live like you are right now? I don't think anything will be harder than what you are currently going through.

[blindw]

I think you have the right to be happy and if others don't like it, too bad for them, you are not intentionally trying to hurt your parents, it's them who want to hurt you by limiting your life. It's hard to leave everything behind? yes it is, but isn't it hard to live like you are right now? I don't think anything will be harder than what you are currently going through.

 

Thankyou for your advice. I agree with you, I don't know if anything can be harder than what I'm going through right now.

 

Just an update:

 

I had a long talk with my mom without raising my voice even though she did that many times. When I told her about how good he is and that I would like her to meet him at least before deciding anything, she stopped to actually listen.

She is still not happy about it but she's learning to accept it a little. She said she'll talk to my dad about it in a few days.. which I'm not looking forward to. I'm sure my dad still won't agree... So only time will tell.

Thanks to everyone who tried to help me out. I really appreciate it.

I wanted to try everything before I leave my house.. and I'm doing just that right now. I am not getting my hopes up though because I know my dad will still be against it.

[wgq]

blindw, I read about your story the other day and feel sad about it. I hope things will work out in your best interests in the end. I am just bump up the post so that more people can read this and offer their advice.

[diabolik]

Keep in mind that even if his immediate family is accepting of you, his extended family may not be. I imagine the odds are good you will be pressured to convert if you decide to marry him in the future.

[cruzer]

She is still not happy about it but she's learning to accept it a little.

I wanted to try everything before I leave my house.. and I'm doing just that right now. I am not getting my hopes up though because I know my dad will still be against it.

 

I encourage you to do this, as im sure even if everyone told you to just leave u would still do everything you could and leave that as last resort.

 

Like i said over time they will accept it. it might just take a few months of talking like u did, or it might take you being on your own, and still seeing your boyfriend for them to realize and accept your not backing down.

[blindw]

blindw, I read about your story the other day and feel sad about it. I hope things will work out in your best interests in the end. I am just bump up the post so that more people can read this and offer their advice.

 

Thankyou!

Right now this just feels like it's never going to end...but hopefully things will work out.

[blindw]

Keep in mind that even if his immediate family is accepting of you, his extended family may not be. I imagine the odds are good you will be pressured to convert if you decide to marry him in the future.

 

That's a good point, I never thought of what his extended family is going to think. I guess I need to discuss this with him but converting isn't an issue for me.