Is NC right for me?

[chewy21]

Okay, so I'm really having a moment of weakness I suppose. What I'm really doing is questioning my actions.

 

For those who haven't read my first thread, my fiancee of two years dumped me last Sunday, the 3rd, to leave and work on her depression. She said before she left that she did love me, but she wasn't happy and felt like she couldn't make me happy until she was healthy.

 

I've respected her need for space as much as I can, I think. But it's killing me not knowing what's going on with her. For nearly the past 3 years I've always looked out for her because I knew she was dealing with alot of emotional stress and confusion. Since the breakup, she has to be going through double what she was when we were together.

 

NC was recommended to me, and I thought it wouldn't be such a bad idea. It would give her the space she needed to work on herself, and it would keep us from breaking down and pouring our hearts out to each other every time we spoke.

 

I haven't so much as sent her an e-mail since the 8th, nearly a week ago. It's okay during the day. I keep myself busy with exercise and work, but at night is when it really gets to me. We always spent our evenings together, as we both usually worked during the day. It's just really hard, because everybody where I'm living now goes to bed so early, and I'm left awake doing nothing but checking my e-mail and wishing she would call me.

 

I understand how NC can be helpful, not only to give her the space she needs, but to make her realize what she walked away from. NC, however, is diametrically opposed to the way I deal with things. If there's a problem, I always feel the best way to come to a conclusion is to talk about it, work it out, be adults. We obviously had no closure in how our relationship ended, so we still have loads to work out and talk through.

 

I was never distant from her during our relationship if she had a problem or needed to talk. Why should I be now? Doesn't that show that I don't care?

 

Or am I just rationalizing this whole thing? I'm open to all sides.

 

My main concern is that I don't want her to feel like she can't contact me if she needs to. Yeah, I understand I'm extremely needy right now and it's probably not a good idea to go pushing all of that on her. But if there's something I can do to help her through this tough time, then I want her to know I'm willing. I fully plan to reunite with her after she gets healthy, and I don't want her to avoid me once that happens because she feels like she hurt me too bad to be forgiven, or looks back at how I shut her out when she needed me most.

 

Just need some advice. Thanks for reading.

[Capricorn3]

My main concern is that I don't want her to feel like she can't contact me if she needs to. Yeah, I understand I'm extremely needy right now and it's probably not a good idea to go pushing all of that on her. But if there's something I can do to help her through this tough time, then I want her to know I'm willing.

 

You have to remember that the key issue here is that SHE wants space and she wants to be left alone. No matter how needy you are feeling at this point, or how much you feel the need to "fix things", you have to respect her wishes and leave her be. No doubt she KNOWS you care. She KNOWS if she needs to call on you for help, she can, but at this point in time she wants to be left alone. It's HER choice and it's best that you leave her to it (imo).

 

NC might not feel right for you, but it's what is BEST for HER.

[chewy21]

No doubt she KNOWS you care. She KNOWS if she needs to call on you for help, she can, but at this point in time she wants to be left alone.

 

But that's the thing: I DO have doubt about that very thing.

 

Yes, I completely understand that she wants / needs space. I'm more than willing to give it to her, no matter how hard it is. It is for HER, and that's enough for me.

 

However, my main concern was exactly what I said: that she may not feel like she can call on me for help because she thinks she hurt me too badly. That, coupled with my NC, may lead her to believe that I am hurt too badly to help her. I just want her to know that's not true.

 

NC may or may not be best for her. She suffers from depression, and there's no telling what she'll think she needs next. If it's by her choice, though, then I have to respect that. If it's because she feels too guilty to ask me for anything, then it isn't, and I should be there to help her. Can't help thinking like that. I can't just flip a switch and turn off my love.

 

At the same time, I realize I may be rationalizing my way into getting into contact with her, because I won't sit here and pretend that I don't want to hear from her. That's what's stopping me at this point.

 

Either way, thanks for your comment, Capricorn. I know it probably makes a whole lot more sense from the outside looking in, and I appreciate the perspective.

[Capricorn3]

The way I see it is that before she left she told you she still loves you, but she felt she needs to get healthy before she can be happy etc. That tells me she knows she can still turn to you IF she wants. Trust me, she KNOWS you care about her. That won't just disappear overnight.

 

I get the feeling that because YOU want to contact her, you're trying to come up with all sorts of reasons why you should etc. But you have to remind yourself it is NOT what SHE wants. Give her time to sort herself out. If you keeping getting in beween her and her healing process, you'll never give her the chance to make things right. All you'll do is prolong everything.

[Poe]

You have to look at the big picture. If this is what it takes to make the possibility of something happening in the future a real possibility, isn't it worth it? Take some time for you. Focus on yourself. I'd do exercise, read, or take a tylenol pm to get to sleep early (yeah, you're right -night you always feel it the most. Kind of like rainy days)

[Pixiedoc]

At the same time, I realize I may be rationalizing my way into getting into contact with her, because I won't sit here and pretend that I don't want to hear from her. That's what's stopping me at this point.

 

I think this is exactly what you are doing. Of course it's totally understandable as you are hurting and yes she DOES know you care and are respecting her need for space.

 

Now tell me - how long (on average) does it take for someone to 'come out of' or deal with a phase of depression? As you and I both know, it could take 3 days or 3 months. You HAVE to be patient here, she will not be able to deal with the pressure of you needing contact with her.

 

If you are totally desperate, just text her saying you are thinking of her and hope she's doing well. That's it. Nothing about what you need, but it might make you feel a bit better. Don't expect her to respond to it though because she might even think of this as pressure. Take care.

[lionquack]

great thread and great advice. Wish i had read this thread earlier before I broke NC and came accross desparate and pushed her away furhter.

 

Please take the advice given here and go NC.

[chewy21]

I find myself needing some kind of closure here. Everything's still all "up in the air." Yes, she left me. However, I have no idea why, aside from needing to work on her depression. She made me understand before she left that this was not my fault. It was something she needed to work on because she wasn't happy, and didn't feel like she was making me happy.

 

I understand that perfectly. What I don't understand, however, is completely scrapping our relationship in the process. Why does that need to happen? There's got to either be another reason, or she just feels too guilty to stay with me because she feels like she's been insufficient this whole time. I want to make sure t's not the latter, and if it's the former, I need to know the reason.

 

With the case being that she needs to be alone for a while to work out some problems, why are we not just taking a break from the relationship? Why did she insist that she can't leave with the promise of a return?

 

These questions have brought up several more, which is why I need the answers. Some possibilities could be:

 

Maybe I was too overbearing about bringing in more money.

 

Maybe I crowded her in my attempt to help her.

 

Maybe she left for another guy.

 

Maybe she left because she just needs to feel free (she's been in long-term relationships since she was a freshman in high school).

 

Maybe my financial problems were too much to deal with.

 

My mind is constantly going through all the possibilities, and it's driving me crazy. I can't focus on anything for very long, and I'm smoking like a chimney. I need to know where we stand, and I need to make sure that a break-UP is what she wants, and not just a break. Because if her feelings for me are the same, why has our relationship changed?

 

It's honestly too much to bear. I just need to know.

 

Thank you guys for your replies. While I can tell that you've all given me good advice, I can't help but feel like maybe I don't have enough strength and resolve left to handle all this right now without any assurance from her. If that's what's best for her, then I wish I could do it. But I just feel like I would crash into a wall if I kept going at this rate.

 

Thanks again,

Chewy

[kiter]

Chewy,

 

To borrow the phrase from a very wise and respectable poster on ENA (catfeeder) I say "my heart goes out to you"

 

I too have been left by my EXGF approximately 6 months ago. Her primary problem is also depression. I like you never got any real answer as to why she left, no real closer discussion, pretty much nothing except her saying once post break "I need to learn how to take care of myself and build some self esteem".

 

I think it is a mistake for you to be looking for blame in yourself.

 

I have though a LOT about this in these past six months, about what, why, how come etc. I have arrived at pretty much one answer and that is someone with depression barely has the faculties to take care of themselves. They have no love in themselves and no life. How can someone like this possibly love or live outside of themselves when they are really dying inside.

 

A simple analogy: How could you be expected to take care of your family if you had two broken legs? You might not be able to work. You might not be able to attend to your children properly, etc. You would basically be forced to heal. Essentially you could not do 'normal' things until you had fixed your ailment.

 

I think the other thing I came up with is that it is difficult to really know what those with depression really feel and they themselves likely do not know as they are primarily consumed with despair that you and I have not experienced.

 

I do not blame myself. I am trying to accept that there is nothing I can do at all about my lost love. I wish she was not sick with depresion. The only thing I can possibly do for her now is give her what she wants which is to be on her own.

 

Whatever you do though do not look for fault within yourself. Maybe instead look for acceptance with the circumstances.

[chewy21]

Thank you for the response, Kiter.

 

I've just spoken to her on the phone, probably not an hour ago. I sent her a message, and she agreed to call me.

 

I asked her the questions I needed answers to. I was worried she might not be able to give them at first, because she was talking in circles.

 

I just didn't understand why our relationship had to be sacrificed if we were both just stepping back to solve our problems. I guess I must've said it in just the right way, because eventually she told me what I needed to hear.

 

You see, throughout our relationship, I helped her to kick some very unhealthy habits, the two standouts being self-mutilation and drunk driving. The thing is, she never promised herself that she would stop doing these things, she promised me. She didn't value herself enough to keep a promise to herself, but she valued me immensely, so she was sure she wouldn't break it if it was made to me instead.

 

When I asked why there couldn't be some kind of reassurance that we would get back together when we were healthy and ready to try again, she told me exactly why: because that would be a promise to me. That would take precedence over anything she promised herself, and if she is going to beat her depression, she needs to do it for herself, not for someone else.

 

That immediately made sense to me. It also immediately saddened me because I knew she was right and that her decision to leave wasn't hastily made in error.

 

I started grasping for straws after that, and now I wish I would have had more self control. I asked her if she thought we had any chance of getting back together after she got well, regardless of any intentions. She, of course, said that she didn't see that happening. She said that we just weren't right for each other, which was an attempt on her part, I believe, to push me futher away and spare my future feelings by making me villify her somehow. It was noble, if untrue. We were perfect for each other, and I say that fully understanding and agreeing that we needed this breakup for her sake. She needs to learn to value herself as a person. She deserves to be happy. The times that she was happy, and no traces of her depression were to be found, were the times I saw who she really was, and who she was capable of being.

 

The conversation ended with us wishing one another the best and saying goodbye. I then broke down as though we had broken up all over again, but this time it was easier to handle because I was sure it was the right thing to do.

 

So that wraps up our breakup story. I think the next posts I make will be made in the "Healing After Break-Up" section.

 

Immense thanks to anyone and everyone who posted on my threads throughout this hellish past two weeks. You've been irreplaceably helpful to me in making my way through this difficult time.

 

Regards,

Chewy

[Pixiedoc]

Hi chewy

 

So sorry to hear how that went - I thought when you explained about her promising herself not you that your next question would yield a better response than 'we're just not right for each other'. That sounds very rational for someone who's depressed - they would usually say something like 'I just can't deal with it right now' or 'I'm confused' etc.

 

So it sounds like she really has made her mind up.

 

I think you have some work to do on yourself don't you? This has really messed up your confidence levels, as you can tell from your posts. Even if she never comes back to you and tells you she was wrong, as you heal and get stronger you will attract people to you who will give you more of a 50/50 relationship than you ever had with her.

 

Best of luck and please let us know how you go.

[chewy21]

Good to hear from you, Pixiedoc.

 

Yeah, what she said about us not being right for each other got to me for a second. But she was calm the entire time on the phone. I only heard her voice crack a few times. What I was just starting to deal with, she has been dealing with for two weeks. Yes, she suffers from depression, but through the work that she and I did on it, she's capable of being very rational at times. I also still feel that she was doing it to push me away, maybe so that I would start to blame her and make it easier on me. That whole "cruel to be kind" thing. Like I said, it was very noble, but very untrue, and I could tell looking back at how she said it that that's exactly what she was trying to do. She didn't mind lying to me if it meant I would get over this easier.

 

But today I feel better than I have since the breakup. I needed to know the reason that she left, because things just weren't adding up for me. We had several discussions when we were together about her refusing to do things for herself. She always did them for me. We both said that she "put me on a pedestal." But that was due to her low self-esteem. I don't know if that's a result of her depression, or a cause of it. But yes, she does need to do this for herself, and not for anyone else. She needs to learn to value herself, or she'll never be any good for anyone else, much less herself. I honestly wish her the best of luck, and I'm at the point now where I can still hope that we get back together in the future, when she's healthy and I have a firmer financial foundation. Hoping for that, though, doesn't rule my life like it has for the last two weeks. I know I need to move forward, and that this is something I can have no control over.

 

Thanks for the reply, Pixiedoc. I always enjoy your insight.

[Pixiedoc]

Hi chewy

 

I'm so glad you were feeling a bit better once you posted - how are you now?

 

She is very lucky to have you there to support her, you know, and I'm sure she is aware of that as well. There's the difference between self esteem and depression - with depression it doesn't matter, and with low self esteem you get put on a pedestal.

 

Since she put you up there she will hopefully work on building one for herself or getting to the point where she reaches up for your hand and invites you down.

 

Take care and best wishes to both of you.

[chewy21]

Man, Pixiedoc, are you a psychologist? If not, you might consider a career change. You always tell me exactly what I need to hear, even if it isn't what I want to hear sometimes. Thank you for your continued responses.

 

I'm doing better now. There's no more crazy stress over "why" all this happened. Now it's just that I really miss her. Honestly, I miss my best friend, the one I could tell anything to. Strange how it isn't the romance or the physicality like one would think.

 

And you're right about the self-esteem part. I still just wish I knew if it was a cause or an effect of the depression. Maybe what we had was just enough to pull her through the depression in that aspect of her life, but still left her valuing others (particularly me) over herself.

 

I, too, hope that she's able to build a pedestal of her own to stand on. Your wording there made me grin.

 

Thanks again for all your help. For someone I've never met, you have more of my respect than most people I have met.

[Pixiedoc]

Good morning chewy

 

Thanks very much Sussed

 

Of course you miss her and will continue to do so, you care very deeply about her. It is best though to allow her the control to get in touch when she is stronger. Let her do this and your relationship, however and whenever it resumes will also be stronger. It's impossible to know about the chicken/egg depression/self esteem tie-up but don't forget both would be much worse without your love.

 

You're doing really well. She will be missing you too which will make her work harder. She knows you'll be there on the other side, hopefully more as equals. In the meantime work a bit more on yourself - allow your life to fill up with things that don't remind you of her constantly and you will have even more to offer when the time is right.

 

BTW: sometimes it's healthy to take away the physical side of things to see what's left

 

Take care and respect to you too.