Dumped. Still have her stuff. What to do? (And other questions)

[BRV]

Hi all,

 

Was wondering if anyone had any pearls of wisdom to impart as to what i should do now that I have been dumped. Some info first, i will keep it brief but please feel free to ask any questions if you want more info:

 

We were together for year and a half. It was long distance relationship (she lived abroad) but we got to see eachother quite regularly, perhaps once a month for a week. She left her last boyfriend for me. Anyway she ended it 3 weeks ago after a bit of a fight we had had. The reasons she stated were the distance but if i am honest with myself i had become insecure, jealous and perhaps a bit controlling for the past six months, mainly due to what i saw as some of her rather inconsiderate behaviour (not replying to texts when she went out with her friends, missing/not retuning my calls). And that insecurity (as well as being a turn off) meant that i wasn't fully opening up to her and she didn't get the closeness that she wanted (double whammy i guess with a kind of spiralling, self-perpetuating pattern occurring).

 

We had other problems too but stuff you should be able to work out as a couple (but i guess not as a couple living apart and in different countries). It was a classic role reversal where in the beginning (first 6 months) she was very clingy and i was less forthcoming and then towards the end i was clingy and needy and she was pulling away.

 

I know she loved me deeply at some point. I don't know if she still does or if it has just died inside her. I also know that people don't break up on a whim most of the time so this had been coming for quite some time (guessing 6 months or more).

 

Anyway i did the whole 'send her an email to express myself' thing the day after. Wasn't begging her back but also wasn't a sign of strength either i can see. Since then i have initiated NC but she has contacted me twice since then, after a week by phone and then another week later on my birthday calling me 'darling' again and saying that her mind and heart were with me that day. Conversation has mostly been chit chatty and upbeat but with the occasional quick mention of the relationship but not half of the stuff i wanna get off my chest. We said to eachother at the end that 'we'd speak soon'. My most favorite of vague terms! I can hear she feels guilty about it all. She is a good person. But i don't want her to feel guilty for me, i want the love back.

 

So another week later and 3 weeks have past since the day of the split. And although having some weak times (generally alcohol induced) i have managed to refrain from contacting her. Sadly enough i toiled as to where to put this new thread, either here in 'Breaking up' or in the 'Getting Back together' section. There is a part of me that knows that we could be so good for eachother and she knows that also having spoken to her about it from time to time. Although very different we compliment each others personalities in my opinion. But then again there is another part of me that knows i should be letting go of this notion because it will only drag out the pain for longer than necessary. This thing didn't end for no reason right? There were very good reasons that i think we both can see? Anyway i swing backwards and forwards on this point on an hourly basis as i am sure some readers can relate to. All i know is that i still love her and if she still loves me (i think she does) i think we should at least talk about it to see if, after this time off and clearing our heads and learning from our mistakes, we should give it another go.

 

Anyway enough of my ranting here are a few questions that i could help with answering.

 

1) Is NC the right approach to be taking here now or should i just face up to the situation like a man and talk to her about what happened (i am in control enough of myself not to break down, plead or get emotional.)?

 

2) I still have a lot of her stuff at my apartment so what the h*ll should i do with it all? Shipping it back is an option but will cost me time and money (neither of which i feel i should have to spend). And it might also provide a convenient meeting opportunity in the future. I am also wondering whether i should bring up returning it first before she does, to perhaps trigger the fear of loss reflex inside her if you know what i mean (like i said still not sure if i think this is all over). Then again my thinking is that if she split up with me the 'fear of loss reflex' might not really apply.

 

3) If she contacts again (i am sure she will because if she doesn't then f*** her!) what is the best way to approach the conversation? Obviously keep it upbeat and chatty but I think not getting stuff off my chest is just gonna drive me mad. I think getting stuff out in the open is a way of healing/resolving things no? Will this drive her further away though? (Don't wanna do that). Catch-22?

 

I am sure i will come up with loads more questions but your insights into these for starters would be great. I'd like to hear peoples break up experiences if they relate also.

 

I know it may not sound it but i have been to the depths of sorrow and the darkest places i can imagine in the past 3 weeks. Like nothing ever before as i am sure most people can appreciate. Thanks in advance for your replies![/size]

[psychoanalytical]

LOL honest to heavens above I would burn everything to prove a point, unless u want her back or u want to keep her friends (though I doubt it cos she'd probably spread rumours about u already so ur reputation is compromised).

 

Or the dump.

 

C'mon u owe it to urself.

[amipushy]

Box it ALL up and store it some place. Then give yourself some time to get over the break up.

 

Then when you're ready, let her know that if she wants it she needs to collect it (or if your feeling kind..pay postage on it which she needs to send in advance and you will send it to her.)

 

Inform her that if she does not reply that you will give her one last formal notice by letter that if she doesnt collect it within your specified time that you will get rid of it how you see fit.

 

Keep copies of these written documents as evidence of your effort in case of any comebacks.

[fiatyamaha]

throw them away. the moment they break up with you, they brought it upon themselves.

[Pixiedoc]

Box it ALL up and store it some place. Then give yourself some time to get over the break up.

 

Then when you're ready, let her know that if she wants it she needs to collect it (or if your feeling kind..pay postage on it which she needs to send in advance and you will send it to her.)

 

Inform her that if she does not reply that you will give her one last formal notice by letter that if she doesnt collect it within your specified time that you will get rid of it how you see fit.

 

Keep copies of these written documents as evidence of your effort in case of any comebacks.

 

Agree. As she has not contacted you about these she's probably not too bothered, but if you put it all in one place you can either wait until she contacts you, or until a decent period of time has passed (6 months or so), then contact her asking if she wants them back. I think she should have to pay for them.

 

Don't see this as an opportunity to 'work on her' though, she would have to come to her own realisation that she has been wrong, and there are no signs of this yet.

 

Work on your own life and freedom if you can and take care.