adult family scapegoat survivors

[whipping girl]

I 100% feel empathy for you and can (sadly) relate to your pain! I am just starting a blog to vent all these emotions...I'll make it public later..but for now it's just for me to vent all the crap that's coming up. It's great and sad to hear of other daughters who have lived throught this! Good Luck

 

Thanks for the well wishes -it is amazing to see that this is a known pathological family dynamic-so strange to read articles that describe my life so accurately.

It's great that you are letting off steam with your blog. I have thought about doing something that would expose them.

My plan is to beat them at their own game -forget them and go on and live the life I was meant to live-Success is really the best revenge

I have some unconventional ideas-will let you all know if they work

Good luck to you too.

[Jim Wormold]

I dont know if I fall into the scapegoat bracket. Family

aggression, passive aggression, emotional manipulation

and all the other evils seem to stem from a complex

web of origins. Their dissatisfaction and frustrations

with their own lives, their fanatical desire to change my

beliefs, their astonishing arrogance with lines like "we just

saying you should change this and this because we care about you",

their lack of any reflection and responsibility.... it all

ends up being really messy and hard to pin point for me.

 

Not being accepted, them making mean jokes about me to my face

and then coming out with clichéd hackneyed phrases like "we think

you misunderstood us", "we were only joking", and the best "we are

so hurt by your accusations".

 

So, so twisted and distorted.

 

At 42, I am in an in-between position right now. I made my boundaries

very clear with my mother, who shocked at first, has since withheld

her opinions and emotional games in her texts. I am also very matter

of fact.

 

I havent made any contact with my sister and brother-in-law for most

of the year. My last attempt at communication was just met with the usual,

but not before not bothering even to reply for 5 months first.

 

I am not sure about taking up contact with my sister on my own terms

oneday. Undecided. I never want to see her husband again, too much

toxicity. She still sends me texts like nothings wrong and full of "huggies"

and "luvvies".

 

I also have to decide what to do about my father's repeated invasions of my

wishes. Just walks over them - continues to email me the most disgusting

racist and usually islamaphobic email forwards. I ask and ask. In person he

was nothing but irresponsibleand violent even.

 

I moved to the other side of the globe, literally, they in South Africa, I in Europe.

Still its not enough.

[Louisey]

Wow. Your life sounds very familiar. The problem is no matter how far we get away they do creep in and need to be evicted as you say. One book I have found to be most helpful is called "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. All of the changes in my life didn't seem to add up to anything as underneath there was always that sense of guilt and rage contradicting one another. My mind just needed to makes some sense of it. This book really helped me heal and take control of my life without feeling the guilt. It made me realize that I had lived of life with no personal boundaries because I didn't know what a boundary was or that I was entitled to a boundary. This often happenes when a child is raised in a family with an abusive parent. So people stepped all over me and I let them because I didn't know how to stop them. So ultimately it was my fault and my responsibility to learn how to stop this. This book might do for you as it did for me...blow your mind...because now my anger is lessening as I take the steps towards making myself and my boundaries clear. It is very freeing.

[Louisey]

love the definition of scapegoat. makes me feeel better too. even in my youngest memories i somehow recall feeling like my strength kept them from falling apart. they needed me to attack so they could not look at themselves. thanks for that

[kap]

hello everyone,

 

on a hunch i typed in the words "family scapegoat" into google, thinking it would do nothing more than to prove that i am completely alone in my experiences; so to find this page with all your heartbreaking stories was as ever, bittersweet! i had no idea this was such an "established" phenomenon with so much material out there (even if it doesn't altogether eradicate the agony of the problem).

 

i was born into an already dysfunctional family; my parents having had children for the sole reason of seeing if it would save their marriage. im the younger of their two sons by two and a half years. my brother was always ill growing up. this had a number of implications. for one thing it meant that i spent a lot of time in the care of strangers as my mother spent so much time in hospital with my brother and my dad moved to italy when i was nine for work. this ofcourse i dont mind. but also my parents, to give my brother a better sense of normality, would not acknowledge the differences his illness gave him but would instead pick out things about me in contrast to him. this i did mind! so instead of him being extremely thin i was fat, instead of him being quiet and subdued i was loud and boisterous. so i grew up with constant abuse from all three of them and was never allowed to defend myself, to the point that he was encouraged to lead all out tirades against me and i was expected never to retaliate; if i ever did i was beaten.

my mum has always been extremely abusive; physically from as far back as i can remember til my mid teens, and then just the psychological, emotional and verbal abuse remained. she is extremely manipulative and of severely unsound mind. five minutes with a psychiatrist would declare her ravingly borderline at the very least!

my dad never had much of a hand in my upbringing then would reappear out of nowhere expecting all the respect deserving of an attentive father and with despotic force.

the six years he lived in italy were the happiest of my life. somehow despite the abuse at home and the innocence of actually missing my dad, i remember those years fondly. but it all came to an end when first my mum said she was going to divorce him because he'd had an affair - she would cry on my shoulder everyday as my brother walked away from her and i would encourage her to get a divorce and rebuild her life and do all the things she wanted to do to make herself happy, even promising her i wouldnt be like other children if and when she met someone else - and then secondly my dad mysteriously moved back in with us after all this without any word of explanation. everyone else seemed to just get on with it. but i couldnt. i had seriously alienated myself from my brother and father in protection of my mother and now the three of them were playing happy families. by this point my brother was in fine health, but was still being given all the privileges of an invalid (sorry, im getting angry remembering all this). a horrible year ensued; one of my best friends died, i fell in love and had my heart broken for the first time, then my cousin died, all strung together by a very strained and masculine-aggression driven silence between my dad and me, my mother *****ing to me about my dad every day without fail, yet never confronting him, and what i wasnt aware of at the time - my brother deciding the cause of all the pain going around was me and finding an accomplice in his then twice my age internet girlfriend. all i could do to keep from suicide was going out, smoking a few joints with my friends, listening to music and laughing about stupid ****! but this wasn't the teenage behaviour my brother had displayed when he was a teenager in bed and so it was unacceptable. and i guess thats where we come to the scapegoating. and the knock on effects and god knows what i didnt know at the time! my education suffered, i dropped out, i jumped from job to job and destructive relationship to destructive relationship. i finally met my brothers girlfriend who made it clear from the moment i met her, all in front of my parents, that she "knew all about me and DID NOT LIKE ME", and how did my parents feel about this? smiles all around, we're just glad that he's got a girlfriend... id been suffering from deep depression for a long time by that point which my family completely neglected. when i finally managed to move out for the first time with an "artist" seven years my senior who seemed to think he was a real life Withnail my mental state spiralled out of control and i ended up back in my original hell.

things actually quietened down for a while after that which i'd put down to two things: the guilt i developed from not holding onto my escape successfully led me to be a lot more reserved, quiet and reclusive which suited my family just fine, and the arrival of two cats into the house. id always wanted cats but was never allowed because of my brothers allergies. but i never knew just what an amazing smokescreen felines provide the dysfunctional family! i was shocked! to this day these people who never have anything but insults and cruel wishes to speak of behind each others backs can't say enough about the cats to each others faces! but the storm came again when i caught wind that my brothers girlfriend was going to move into the house. confronting my mum about it she promised it would never happen because of how cruel my brothers girlfriend had been to pretty much anyone who wasnt my brother and with an especial vendetta against me. and then one day my brothers girlfriend moved in. ive never got a job and moved out so fast in my life! and for two years i lived in my own place alone and began to really outgrow them. but anger was eclipsing every aspect of my life even away from them. i was taking heroin a lot just to function. and just as i was sure i was on the cusp of sorting it all out i suffered a serious nervous breakdown and psychosis which has left me with terrible dissociation. i tried to fight it but this year has seriously been trying to kill me (im 27...); my dad began making plans to retire abroad so my mum decided to put her claws in by filing for divorce then and its still going on because she will not be satisfied with any settlement, she wants to destroy him. him and my brother and his girlfriend turned to me for help and i tried to talk to my mum which turned into a bloodbath. my dad finally got away and after months of disputes with the dodgiest landlord of all time, on the cusp of losing my mind, my family were called and after only a couple of months they kindly led me to believe they had got a room ready for me to recover in only to find on arrival they had done **** all and it was left to me to remove everything from one room so i could move my own things in, in my state. i kind of just wish id had the heartattack i was sure i could feel coming on and just ended this **** story there! a bad start to a terrible idea i had promised myself i would never even entertain, and it has proved to be the biggest mistake of my life. my mum is psychotic and abusive with her rages smashing the place up every couple of weeks over the most trivial things. my brother and his girlfriend live here like king and queen doing as they want when they want and no one tells them any different. my brother LITERALLY does nothing but play computer games all day then watches wrestling, which is what he has been doing for well over ten years while ive been busting my ass all over the city trying to make a career, obsessively reading and educating myself far beyond degree level, teaching myself all sorts of arts and humanities and devotedly attending therapy, rehabilitation programs and god knows what else to try and fix my life, and dont get a fingernail of credit for any of it. thats not why i do it. and im not even going to say a bit of acknowledgement would be nice. all im saying is, thats why im so... ****ing... angry. my mum cooks and cleans after them (theyre 30 and 40 years old!!!) and then *****es to me. and none of them could even name or explain my illness if anyone even cared to ask them! the first time my mum smashed up the place i talked with my brother and his girlfriend about it the next day and we all seemed to be in agreement on the matter. then the next time she started smashing things i confronted her only to be ganged up on by them all. since then i have been looking for a way to get out once and for all but i am in the worst mental and physical health of my whole life, jobless and i really dont see how the **** im going to get out of this house alive...

 

while writing this i have just heard a scream from downstairs and ive run down thinking one of them was hurt only to find its my brothers girlfriend shouting at the cats. what scares me more than anything is that i might still have some love or even just concern for these bastards that will keep me if i do get out from just cutting my ties with them once and for all and forgetting them forever!

 

sorry for the rant. genuinely. but you know... if youre going to bother doing something....... thank you for reading. and any advice? PLEASE!!!!!!! thank you xxx

 

p.s. if you haven't read about the origins of the concept of the scapegoat, you should. theres a nice little message in it for all of us! if we can hold out long enough to see it come true...

[BatteryBrain]

I literally stumbled accross 'scapegoating' tonight on stumbleupon and I'm just blown away by all this.

 

I think potentially my familial situation is a little more complicated and maybe not as severe. I don't know where my mother's personality fits into this. She was stoic, emotionally distant, aggressive, intimidating, controlling and manipulative. She also would intentionally humiliate me in front of family members at social situations. At other times she would be the complete opposite and be wise and caring but never tactile and with constant hints of aggression even when the intention of the advice was to be beneficial. She had to be in control. She never showed weakness and I wasn’t allowed to either.

 

5 Years after she died I started counselling initially believing that my relationship issues, my self-destructive behaviour, my low self esteem was as a result of her death. I see now that all this began much earlier.

 

I lived in a constant state of anxiety growing up as a result of her volatile tempers. In regards to my sisters I think the only way I could protect them was to throw myself in front. I would die for my sisters and to hear them as children screaming and terrified over something ridiculous like getting ready for school would fill me with rage and hatred for her. I knew then that the way she treated me and my sisters was wrong and someone needed to stand up to her. As I hit my teens properly I began to drink every weekend from 13 yrs. I started smoking at 12 and smoking weed and having sex at 13yrs. I would take any form of escape just to leave the house and more importantly my mind and these emotions I didn't truly understand. But then I would go home pissed and stinking of cigarettes and all hell would break loose again. I remember being called selfish; a piece of **** and a ***** most of the time, and the favourite was ‘you’re not ending up like the other one’ was always screamed at my sisters (while I was in ear shot) if they were ‘misbehaving’. There was always tension in the house and as far as I was aware it was me who was causing all this. I remember being grounded and self-harming because the thought of being stuck in the house gave me a panic attack. I don't think I knew at the time what that was.

 

I also need to mention that at this time my father who left me when I was a toddler had recently died. I wasn’t asked how I felt about it. I was just informed. For their arguments sake their tone was sympathetic. But when I was coming home stinking of booze at 13 and self-harming...for some reason that wasn’t seen as a cry for help. I was just punished again and threatened that I would be put in a mental home. Maybe that subconsciously made me angrier.

 

I didn’t understand compliments or physical affection. I remember my sister’s sitting on my Mam’s lap and getting cuddles and kisses and feeling so confused and ashamed that I longed for that kind of attention. Why didn’t I get the same treatment?

 

I was in a drama school. When I sang I would get the most attention and praise from my peers so in public she would show pride. We would awkwardly hug after my recital and I would get a shower of compliments from other parents, my Step-Nan and sometimes her. But I could see how difficult it was for her to praise me because she believed I had an ego. But we would have peace in the house for at least a day though, and that was something.

 

My stepfather I think copped on to what was happening so tried to overcompensate for my mother’s coldness towards me. Once we had started to bond he then told me he was attracted to me. Which, as you can imagine, ****ed up my relationship with my mother even more. I thought I was a ***** and that I had done something to cause this and my ignorance to having a father-daughter relationship was the reason behind all this. Needless to say I attempted to run away, suicide and general alcohol abuse.

 

In regards to feeling scapegoated-I know that I got the most negative attention and that I was never touched unless I was being slapped. I was never trusted or given the opportunity to gain trust. I felt compelled to challenge her on the way she treated me and my sisters. As a result I was at the receiving end of her aggression most of the time. My father or my father’s death was never discussed. I moved home for 6 months, 18 months ago and I had a fight with my Stepdad and he kicked me out of the house. I have only recently talked to him because my sisters don’t want me to be ‘persona non gratis’ at the Christmas dinner table again. I’m only doing it for them. I would happily remain ostracised from the family forever if it wasn’t for my sisters, neice and aunty. Inherently I feel like that’s where I belong, on the periphery of the family because I make the least amount of trouble there.

 

I'm now 26 and I am a full time singer with 4 bands. Despite this, I am still full of self doubt and loathing. I still drink heavily and sometimes do harder drugs when they're available. I know it's wrecking my voice but I can't find the strength in me to turn it around. I can't hold down a relationship and have had an 18 month in-6 month out cycle since I was 15yrs. I do have amazing friends though and I believe that is a direct result of feeling the need to make my own family. My friend recently complimented me on my selflessness and my compassion for others and I was stunned. Those kind of attributes I have never associated with myself.

 

Anyways. That's my story. I just felt compelled to write something after I identified so strongly with the 'scapegoat' role. I hope potentially someone will empathise and it will help a lil.

 

J x

[smithsgirl]

i can't believe this...it has happened to other people...i thought it was only me

i just spent the last few days crying because 5 years after my controlling toxic mother died, i have yet to be invited to a thanksgiving dinner by any of my 3 siblings. i grew up as my mother's whipping child and my father and siblings joined in the dysfunction. i had hoped that once she died (i had not spoken to her in 8 years) that maybe they would soften. i have reached out to them to no avail. they are carrying my mother's torch well. i have tortured myself trying to determine why i am so unloveable. i can't relate to normal people who love their parents and parents who love their children. i am happy for them but it's like trying to explain the color red to someone who's been blind since birth. i have felt so very alone for so many years. i would be interesting in talking to any of you out there who need a friend. i could sure use one.

 

this prior post gave me great comfort:

 

"Sometimes if there are exceedingly toxic family relationships, all you can do is walk away. They can't make you 'play' their twisted games if you won't do so. Many troubled families lock certain individuals into particular roles, and it is almost impossible to break out of the roles and enlighten anyone, since enlightenment comes from within and not all people are interested in breaking out of those roles. So my advice would be to just cut contact with them. You can choose how to live your life and who to live it with, and if they have proved an endless source of pain for you, there is not need to continue to play any role you don't choose to play. They are who they are, and will not turn into the loving family you hope for, so why continue to torture yourself."

[excluded]

This seems to be a problem that should go away but does not. Once you've been scapegoated the only answer seems to be to isolate yourself from the abuser and their followers in the family and go it alone. For me, the worst part is that I still lack confidence at that latter part of my life to go into groups or situations because I always feel I will be in the way. I'm still working on it but I know there must be a way to overcome this pervasive sticky problem. The abuse of blaming and scapegoating and excluding may not have been physical but the way it controls the rest of your life speaks to how serious it is. If I find an answer to the pervasive lack of confidence that this abuse engenders, I will post it.

[intuit57]

Hi, It's been a couple years since I first discovered that my mother was/is a malignant narcissist...and that I was her scapegoat. When reading other scapegoated kids accounts of their life, it was like reading my exact same words...and feelings. Although it is exceedingly unfair and sad, it offers a lot of answers and hope for a new start in our emotional-lives for all of us. I could use a friend to help unravel all this upsetting residue from a painful unloved life too! One thing to remember...this was never about you...it was your emotionally-ill mother and her selfish, fear-filled choices. These people do not have an ability to genuinely care for others...scapegoat or golden child..they are always manipulating to control their image. Please read all you can about narcissistic mothers and scapegoated daughters...it can be life changing. Here's a link I find very helpful/validating, link removed

[EvaSmith]

Here's a link I find very helpful/validating, link removed

 

Wow! My soul doesn't know whether to thank you or not for directing me to that link.

 

I have endured my flesh and soul being ripped apart over that one person and further watched in shear horror as she directed our violent father to do unspeakable things to us, pointing fingers at me or whoever she was the least interested in at the moment as the reason for the victim to be angry at. All the begging and pleading for what in the world was done to cause her to hurt us so was always met with "you know exactly what you did". Of course I didn't because she knew there was nothing. The lack of accountability and willingness of the entire family to join her bandwagon was heartbreaking. All the facts could always be discounted to her wild stories (medical reports meant I must have slept with the doctor to get him to show that, etc.). Crazy, crazy, crazy. Why didn't any adult EVER question her? Why always us ESPECIALLY when her own siblings had non-drama families?

 

As a child, I fought to get her help and my father to listen. The only time he wanted anything to do with us, was to subject us to an hour plus of screaming, beating with a belt "until we stopped screaming", then screaming somemore for absolutely nothing anyone did but drama mama would make up. We were alone. Over time my sister let me know that she found it funny how easily she could get my father to get angry and beat me. I was devastated beyond belief. I had taken beatings for her when I could tell my mother was focused on her; I had defended her whenever I could. She admitted she did it because a guy she liked, liked me but she never apologized. She continued to make the scenarios worse until my injuries became life threatening and I left forever. Now I find out she is doing to her children what was done to us. I am panicked to help them but don't know what to do as I have not seen my family in years. I know each person is liable for their actions and my mother could never have flourished as she did without other's silent consent, but she is the ring leader and everyone else the circus animals going along with the flow. How is it this society could overlook accomplices and just look to the direct abusers?

[intuit57]

Wow! My soul doesn't know whether to thank you or not for directing me to that link.

 

My soul really needed validation, still does, which is why I hoped that link would help some people. I was always so alone in my suffering as I watched my malignant narcissist of a mother coo and coddle my older brother.

Sounds like both your mother and father are/were deeply ill. Sociopaths are always narcissists too...so who knows with your effed up parents from hell. I am so sorry you have lived such a difficult life. I hope you find comfort in life and the time and strength to heal.

I'm interested in understanding how reading the info on the link I provided affected you. Why are you unsure to thank me or not? (example)Did it open old wounds you were trying to forget?

[meoww]

This could be me!! I have read so many forums and articles online about scapegoating and narcisssistic mothers at this point that it doesn't surprise me to find other survivors but it's still so comforting every time.

 

I really suggest you all read the 1,990 COMMENTS (not the article which is flawed) on the NYT's "When the Ties That Bind Unwind." Many, many people who have been victims of toxic families share their frustrations and experiences on there. It took me like a week to go through it all, but it might be the most comprehensive account of adult child abuse survivors I have ever read. My life changed when I found that article. The funny thing is that article is about bewildered 'loving' parents who are cut-off by their selfish children, basically estrangement from the cut-off parent's perspective, who in the article, appear not to take any responsibility for the circumstances that lead up to the estrangement. I assumed the commenters were going to be sympathizing with these parents but the whole thread was basically a collection of really heartbreaking but empowering stories about people who grew up in abusive homes and had the courage to leave eventually.

 

It's hard to stop loving your abusers because of course, like most people, even the most awful people, they aren't always all bad. They have good days too. I just make a point of going through a mental checklist of the things they did to me, and worse, the subtle betrayals, manipulation, and slandering I experience and then I slowly come back to reality again.

[KeenOTWorld]

Anyways, today, I'm 33 years old and I love and miss my dad deeply, but I've been no contact with him for about 2 years, and it hurts. It just hurts so deeply in my appendix, and in my heart because I love a father who seems to get a sick pleasure from abusing his son, and I don't know how to quit loving him, if that would help, and I'm not sure I want to, and I don't know how to "just forget about it and move on", and it seems I fall in love with women who's actions remind me of his, and I want more than anything else to create a healthy family full of love and respect, and I don't know how to undue this deep knot of pain in my gut.

 

I struggle with the exact same thing. Sadly, I am unable to walk away from my parents and this is why. It wasn't until I was 30, 31 that my once loving, supportive, devoted parents suddenly turned on me when my sister, who has drug problems, had children and I couldn't just ignore behaviors that were very alarming and extraordinarily abusive, not just towards her children but towards me in particular. Especially after I tried to get her help, she became enraged that I told my parents things she had done and has had it out for me ever since. Sometimes I am gobsmacked by how cruel she can be. And she has consistently and constantly told lies about me to my parents ever since and... Though I've been the honest one and she the liar, they believe her every time! Suddenly out of nowhere nothing I say will change their minds. For five years or more now I have been blamed for every single issue our family has and it is easy for them because I have a mental illness which I spent years of intense therapy dealing with as a young adult and successfully overcame the issues and had a very great life which they all seem to have forgotten. All the respect that I earned has gone without explanation. My parents treated my sister and I equally our whole lives and now when I dare beg for some support from them my mother tells me with disdain that I am talking about her precious daughter as if I am nothing to her. It is the single most painful thing that has ever happened to me in my life and I never dreamed anything could be worse than losing my parents to death. Losing them while they're alive is a torture I never even dreamed was possible. Suddenly everything that I relied on to feel safe and secure has vanished and I no longer trust people, or that being good and doing the right thing will bring you good rewards in the end. And I am sick and practically bed bound and so starting a new life is not a possibility. I am alone and isolated and in despair. It seems nothing I do will change the way they feel and that seems to be that I am an annoyance, and someone who does not deserve anything like respect or anything more than to suffer abuse with a smile on my face. Nothing that my sister does which would be considered unacceptable behavior in normal society is looked at as wrong in their eyes. And nothing I do which would be considered the right thing in normal society is seen as good. Luckily through all of the therapy I was privileged enough to enjoy as a youth I learned that I deserve respect, love, and happiness just like everyone else and that has been my saving grace. Although I have succumbed to the belief that I am nothing and totally worthless at times, I have always known deep in my heart that I am a good, and deserving person and that has saved me from suicide, and from complete self-hatred. I am a fighter and my plan, because my parents have not always been like this, is to fight for them and our former wonderful relationship until I get it back or die trying. I know many of you will say that I am beating a dead horse or fighting an losing battle but I cannot let go of them. I am adopted and already have abandonment issues. I just cannot lose my family especially when this is so unlike them. I just have to convince them that something needs to change and I am worth loving and respecting like they used to. As for my sister well, that's another story. Has anyone had their family go from loving to hating as an adult?

[732mni]

Wow! Thanks so much for bumping this meaningful thread! It is reassuring to know that we are not alone in having to deal with this type of tragic upbringing. It is good to see that other people get it.

 

The NYT article "When The Ties That Bind Unravel" is unfortunately emblamatic of the publics view of estranging ones self from abusive/scapegoating/toxic/narcissistic parents. The gap between rich and poor is nowhere close to the gap between people that have gone thru serious trauma and those who havent. The people who had supportive family structures think that is how everyone was raised. This is all they know. If you tell them about the trauma you suffered, they look at you as if you came from a other planet. A common response is "How could you live like that?" (As if we had a choice) To them, Parental abuse only happens in the two dimensional world of the news/internet, and the wildest stories are worthy of water cooler gossip ("Can you believe that?!")

 

When I see threads opened by people suffering deeply because they feel completely alone, I cringe when I see the replies of "Your family loves you no matter what". It is the same when I see that being estranged from your parents is considered a red flag when it comes to dating and relationships. So in many cases we have to keep this part of our lives hidden (a la Don Draper in Mad Men), and live a double life.

[wickedchild]

i can't believe this...it has happened to other people...i thought it was only me

 

I am also shocked to discover that I am no alone. I would just so love to meet you all for a cuddlefest .

[wickedchild]

Hi

I am so glad to meet you all, and so saddened to read the same nasty stuff again and again.

 

As an aside you are likely to have c- ptsd. Do you suffer from nightmares, panic attacks,derealisation, hypervigilance,anxiety, trouble with concentrating etc? you may need help.

 

Also understand that or or both parents are likely to be narcissists. If you are in therapy, clue the therapist up, it can only help to speed up the illimination process.

 

I am a man aged 57, and I have only found about the whole thing yesterday. I have also had a stroke, so dont expect any long writing. It takes so long.

 

Thinking of your all my crucified sisters and brothers . Thats how I feel inside.

[northerngirl]

Hi all, I'm new here.

 

I think the most difficult part of being the family scapegoat, aka the odd one out, is the crazy making and paranoia that it inflicts. You always worry, in non-physical abuse situations, that you may somehow really be to blame even if it's nothing more than being different. We are punished, as we would be in some backwards primitive culture, just by being something other than what they all are. In my case, being a nonmaterialistic individual with great gifts as an artist. Not being able to play the social games that keep one in (probably false and superficial) equilibrium with the others. Not being in the same economic class (though they'd never in a million years admit this) can also make one an outcast.

 

I am in my sixties and I can say truly that the family pattern never goes away and seems to extend beyond the grave. How the scapegoat is thought of in life is how s/he is thought of forever. No one wants to really get to know or understand the scapegoat, as doing so would blow their good game. Even cutting them out of our lives punishes us, not them.

 

I look forward to hearing more, including scapegoating perpetrated by siblings after parental passing.

[Autumnleaves]

I feel like I am the family scapegoat. I've never really gotten along with my mother at times she acts more like my worst enemy than a mother. She'll bend over backwards and drop plans to help my brothers & sister but when I ask her for something she'll make every excuse as to why she can't help. She has all the family at her home once a week for tea, everyone except me, I'm excluded. She stirs up trouble between me and my siblings and lies about me to friends & family.

 

Over a year ago I said enoughs enough and walked away. I deactivated my FB as I couldn't deal with the drama. Sadly some of my siblings have decided to take sides and jumped on the bandwagon of hate. It hurts it tears me apart but I have to be strong for my kids. My daughter is 25 and recently told me that my mother asked her if she wants to join them once a week for tea. I feel like she's now starting to work on my kids, they are the only thing in my life that keeps me going. I just don't understand it at all.

[northerngirl]

Being excluded from family events is the ultimate slap in the face. There seems to be no plausible explanation. Did I say or do something to offend? etc. It is the cause of so much pain and in your case, it's weekly (mine is around holidays and birthdays, of which there are many).

 

Have you asked your mother pointblank why you aren't asked to join your family each week?

 

I would also maybe let your daughter know what's been going on and let her know how hurtful the situation is to you. Of course the situation is impossible because your daughter has motivations to be accepted by family, and she may see you as making her feel guilty.

[kmae23]

I know this post is old but I am sad to hear I am not the only one in this situation. I am trying to figure out how to get past my panic attack anxiety that has come back. I recently moved to be close to my family again after my sisters sudden death. We both left the Mormon church and were very close in ways we couldn't be with the rest of the Mormon family. The rejection and abuse I have been receiving is the usual, I hoped it had changed. I am finding myself hopeless and just can't stop trying to defend myself. It leaves my head buzzing, ears ringing and this horrible sinking feeling that never ends. I wish we could all have a family that could unconditionally love us. I've been hearing highly dysfunctional and hurtful things and just want it to stop but when I tell the people to leave me alone, it just feels worse. I feel guilty. I guess I don't have much insight. Just that I can empathize.

[kmae23]

I haven't had a parent pass but my siblings do hoard my mothers illness and state how sad they would be when she dies and then look at me funny? Well that came out rather silly, but its all like one big confusing blob. My family always communicates with each other behind my back, get on the same page then call/text attack me about random things at once. For example they all visited my sick uncle in the hospital tonight, I got no word of it, despite me being the one who is to bring him from Texas to Canada mid next week. Then my deceased sisters FB password was changed and all at once everyone blamed and threatened me. Demanding I fix it, and why was I not there visiting my uncle. The rumors that are spread are awful. My father also tried to kill me, one very honest attempt he almost choked me to death but my sister (the one that died recently) called 911 and he fled the scene, my mother then told the police a whopper of a lie about me starting a fight and him trying to force me into my room. even with the marks on my neck, he got away with it! I swear she hates my guts and will be happy when I am dead. It is an awful feeling. She told my remaining sister to not bring me to Christmas and also bought bracelets in my sisters honor but left me out! Just more things like this all the time, they constantly judge me, speak to me in different tones, look at me with disdain, don't listen when i talk or when I do they cringe and say my voice is "jarring" that I am too hyper, talk too fast and I must be on drugs! Recently they have all agreed that I drink too much caffeine and make them "nervous." My mother once told my youngest brother that I have poor social skills, so I give men blow jobs in order for them to like me! Ugh, it hurts so bad! And if I ever bring a painful action up that was validated by one family member in order to spite the other (Moved from odd man to middle man/pawn) during a time of duress, they will pretend they never validated it or that it is in the past and to Get over it already! Yet they always talk about their past with such fancy victim badges on all the while! If I try to playfully talk about childhood, they ignore it and say they don't remember but laugh and joke with each other. The more I try to defend myself the more they tell me my voice is annoying. It's a very lonely place. And makes me miss my dead sister and brother so much. But then they will compete with who the dead person would love the most or who is allowed to be the most sad. It is all so dysfunctional, I feel I am losing what it is to be human. I feel like an alien And I can't find strength.

[desertmarigold]

I'm new to this board, and would really appreciate some input on my situation. I'm female, in my 50s and have major self esteem and depression issues. I grew up in the country outside of a small town in New Mexico. My brother is 10 years older and my sister 13 years older. As a child, I often felt teased and laughed at by my parents and siblings. I always felt like the object of their jokes. My father was a verbally harsh person, and my mother not very warm and encouraging. I remember hiding in my room around age 8 or so and wanting to kill myself because I felt so unloved and useless. My brother didn't seem to want much to do with me--when I was five, he was 15. One of my earliest memories is of being in a truck with my father and brother. We stopped somewhere out in the desert (I don't remember the destination) and walked around a bit. Then my father and brother pretended to run to the truck and leave me behind. I cried and was very upset. I remember them laughing at me and getting in the truck, very amused by my tears.

 

As a teenager I was very depressed and rebelled against my family, who seemed to type me as a loser who couldn't do anything right. When I was in college, my dad told me I always screwed things up. Later, when my husband and I bought a house, my mom told me that I wasn't able to do things like that, only my brother and sister were capable of taking that kind of step. When I told me sister that we had bought a house, she asked the square footage. "What is it, a condo?" she ask in a dismissive way. She has always been a harsh, domineering person. It seems that when I talk to her on the phone (a few times a year), she has some sarcastic or insensitive comment. When I cracked my ribs in a cycling accident, she said, "Maybe you should get training wheels." A few months ago she said that her impression was that my husband and I are living "hand to mouth."

 

When I was in my twenties and visiting my sister, I was alone in the house with my brother in law one evening. He put his hand on my breasts. I yelled at him and made a scene, and told my sister when she returned. She acted as thought I made it up. I told my mother about the incident, and she said nothing.

 

Anyway, I've been an underachiever my whole life; graduated from college and started a career, but abandoned said career because I didn't have faith in myself. My husband has learning disabilities (some type of dyslexia) and a verbally harsh father and removed stepmother.

 

My family has never talked with me about my interests or accomplishments. It's as if there is an unspoken agreement that I am a screw-up and a liar. My brother (68 now), never married, and doesn't seem to want much of a relationship, other than sending obligatory Christmas and B-day cards and an occasional phone call. He has shown zero interest in me as a person. When I told him that my husband and I bicycled accross the country, and that I am trying to write mysteries, he is silent. A few years ago he criticized me for not being creative and outgoing, or something to that effect.

 

My parents are gone, and I am realizing that I need to cut ties with my brother and sister, because I feel so bad because of how they interact with me. I have been reluctant to drop them this because I'm hoping I might inherit from either of them. My husband and I are facing some financial problems. A friend told me that no amount of money is worth trading for your self esteem, and I realize she is right.

[Capricorn3]

I'm new to this board, and would really appreciate some input on my situation.

Hi desertmarigold. Welcome to ENA. Just want to mention that this thread is five years old and it would be a good idea to start your own thread so that people can focus exclusively on your situation and questions. Thanks!