If Im so horrible, why does he keep coming back into my life?

[Qut81]

Ex called me on Sat to pick him up from a club bc he wasnt having fun and his friend didnt want to leave. We went to my house, had amazing sex, and then the next day I took him home.

 

I went on his facebook and saw that girl M was his friend and they were really friendly to each other. I started to freak out that they were sleeping together too. So I emailed her and asked her. We had talked once before so I didnt think it would be a big deal. It became this huge issue. She called him, I called him, he called me, it was a mess.

 

Everytime I get an opportunity to be in his life again, I do something like this and ruin it. We are not on bad terms this time, honestly bc I think he expects this behavior from me. I just cant be normal when it comes to him. We both say the sex is amazing and thats pretty much the only reason he calls me. He told me he has no feelings for me romantically but we could be friends. That after the horrible break up, being friends is an accomplishment and I should be happy. But Im not, I want him back altho it will never be the same. Do you think the damage is done and there is no turning back? I feel like everytime I am a little bit over him and start to move fwd in my life, he calls. I want to make things better but its like I just keep digging this whole deeper and deeper. I know what everyone is going to say, NC is the way. However, I cant say no when he calls. I can try but I just cant let him go. He says when hes with me he feels confused bc I act "normal" and then I do something like I did yesterday. Can someone please try to help me understand this situation? Is he right, am I not normal?

[Sweet Venus]

Wow, so he is supposed to have his cake and eat it....and THAT is "normal' for him??

I think this relationship is too one sided (on YOUR side) and he gets the benefits

of sex whenever HE wants it with no obligations on his part. It sounds like he is so sure of himself with you, and that you have NO self control when it comes to him. What you need to learn is how to say NO to him, or simply don't answer his calls. DON;T say you can't NOT answer his calls, because you CAN and it's the ONLY way this guy will ever believe he is not the end all be all to you. No one can MAKE you do anything you don't want to do. Period.

Next time he calls you, simply let it go to voice mail or turn your phone off. And as long as he has no respect for you, which it sounds like he DOESN'T...then no, there will NEVER

be a chance for you guys.

[Mutley]

My last gf used to play with my head like that.

 

I'm so irritated that I let it go on that long. I didn't see what I was doing when I was in the middle of it.

 

Find someone who cares about you and you can trust. This guy is only going to cause you confusion and pain.

[annie24]

i think you need to go no contact with this guy and get over him. you deserve a lot better than this!!!! and maybe the NC will give him a chance to see if he really wants you or not.

[ironman]

You should give him some space,stop the booty calling hook ups.take your time and change for the better and then probably he will see you with a new light.otherwise he just gonna keep using you and you are gonna crash harder later.good luck!

[loulee]

the last thing he would expect from you IS TO SAY NO AND IGNORE his calls...i would no doubt expect him to pursue you if start respecting yourself more and do this. You CAN go no contact and can explain in a text why you are then ignore him...You have no chance at him taking you seriously back on board whilst you are allowing him to use you as he currently is...be strong...its not that hard to value yourself if you think with your head and not your hormones......In honesty he sounds like he is not wanting a committed relationship, and he doesnt need one with what he currently is recieving from you.. and i think deep down you may know this but are in denial because you care so much..start caring for you and what YOU really need...your number one remember that..

[Qut81]

Everything you said is true, I really need to stop answering his calls. He told me today that he talks to that girl bc she doesnt argue or stress him out. That he wants someone in his life that makes him a better person, and I bring out the worse in him. We bring out the worse in each other. I feel like a crazy person everytime we talk. I may be sad when we are apart but I def dont feel like this. I feel soooo out of control when he is in my life. I do think he is right that I need some help with my confidence. I used to have at least a little bit but now, I have no self esteem. Nothing.

[Qut81]

the last thing he would expect from you IS TO SAY NO AND IGNORE his calls...i would no doubt expect him to pursue you if start respecting yourself more and do this. You CAN go no contact and can explain in a text why you are then ignore him...You have no chance at him taking you seriously back on board whilst you are allowing him to use you as he currently is...be strong...its not that hard to value yourself if you think with your head and not your hormones......In honesty he sounds like he is not wanting a committed relationship, and he doesnt need one with what he currently is recieving from you.. and i think deep down you may know this but are in denial because you care so much..start caring for you and what YOU really need...your number one remember that..

 

He said that I ruined his view on relationships and he never wants to be in one again. He told me stories about how a girl hes talking to does one thing that seems like a relationship and he cuts communication. He told me about this one girl who asked him to go to a bbq at her parents house and he never spoke with her again. Thats just one story. So on top of everything I feel terrible I effected him in that way.

[loulee]

you should never allow some one to make you feel guilty FOR THEIR beahvour...never...this is basically a form of control....break this cycle..he is quite immature In his views. you must see this. he controls his behavour and you control yours..so take the reigns and take charge of your life...look at this as a learning curve, but not with guilt....

[msfoolish]

qut81,

 

I feel exactly the same as you, my ex called me from a club last week, the only difference is, something stopped me from picking him up - thank god! Cos the next day it was back to ''i'm not IN love with, but i miss you and thanks for being understanding''etc etc! I couldnt take anymore, i was feeling out of control, so i changed my number, i had to, i just couldnt do it anymore.

 

I love him, well who i thought he was, but for my own health i cant do it anymore. It like being dumped over and over again. Try to stop doing it to yourself, he doesnt want you, other than for sex, and my ex doesnt want me other than for emotional support when he's down or drunk. Neither of us should put up with this, and I'm 10 yrs older than you and should know better by now.

 

Its really hard when you love someone, but just think how you're hurting yourself by letting him do this all the time. Be kind to yourself and stop it now if you can, you'll drive yourself crazy.

 

Really hope you find the strength to get away from this guy, he sounds horrible (and remember, loads of guys are good in bed too if thats all it is for him, you can have better than him too!!!!)

 

XX

[Sweet Venus]

Ewww everything you're saying about this guy makes me wonder what you see in HIM.

He sounds like he's full of himself telling you about all these other women. What a JERK.

Yuck yuck yuck!!!!!!!!

[Girl wants EX]

He is very self-centred, very similar kind of person to my 2 exes. I wonder now if a lot of men are like that.

 

You need to love yourself more, otherwise men won't love you, they won't need to please you, you need to be someone "wonderful" instead of someone depressed, clingy, needy, dependant, too caring... or men eventually walk away-- so far this keeps happening in my relationships.

I'm so happy these days, as I finally can say "NO" to my 2 ex who I was crazy for.

I just don't care anymore, even if they disappear in my life forever, so what? I'm happy with myself. Life is short, no time to waste on some people who don't love you, don't care about you or even don't respect you. When you stop giving, you feel less hurted. Both sides in a relationship need to be equal.

 

Be yourself, respect yourself, then people will also respect you, and more will like you as a complete person!

[Qut81]

Ewww everything you're saying about this guy makes me wonder what you see in HIM.

He sounds like he's full of himself telling you about all these other women. What a JERK.

Yuck yuck yuck!!!!!!!!

 

Hes actually a very charismatic (sp?) person. Hes funny, has no kids, great looking, educated, we both share the same interests. Thats what I see in him. I never seem to remember the bad stuff, always the good. Its a real problem...

[Girl wants EX]

Hes actually a very charismatic (sp?) person. Hes funny, has no kids, great looking, educated, we both share the same interests. Thats what I see in him. I never seem to remember the bad stuff, always the good. Its a real problem...

 

Ah! again, just like my exes: funny, good looking, educated, good career... that's exactly where the "trap" is: this kind of man is usually arrogant! they think they can get a lot of girls, why need to put all their efforts and time on only one girl? they don't have much patience in a relationship!

 

The worst part of their behaviors in a relationship is that, when they are tired of you, they respect you at a minimum level, and they also will keep you not too far from them, so they can keep taking advantage of you!

 

Run away from him as far as you can!

[Pixiedoc]

YOU ruined HIS view of relationships!!

 

Wow, what a hypocrite!!

 

Don't keep getting sucked in - it's bad enough that he's using you for sex with no strings - sorry to raise this but have you considered you could actually CATCH something if he is scr**ing around?!

 

Eww, break all contact off. Immediately. You will probably be filled with a huge sense of relief and freedom to be finally done with him.

 

It won't be easy as you are used to dancing to his tune, he has got you wrapped around his little finger and, well, you do care about him.

 

But a dose of cold hard NC is a great reality checker and I hope you will see that you deserve MUCH more. I'm sure all your friends and family tell you that as well so keep them around you and fill your time. Good luck.

[hers]

What you're doing to yourself is abuse. He's not abusing you. You are abusing yourself b/c you think you're not good enough, you've believed his lies, and you're treating yourself like crap for it, thus reaffirming to him why you're not together, but also showing him that since you don't respect yourself, he doesn't have to either.

 

YOURE NOT FRIENDS! Friends respect each other! He's telling you all this damage to him but yet he's getting in your pants. And you're letting him.

 

You need therapy. Have you considered it? Stop abusing yourself!

 

I hope you have broken it off fully with the guy you were seeing.

[Qut81]

What you're doing to yourself is abuse. He's not abusing you. You are abusing yourself b/c you think you're not good enough, you've believed his lies, and you're treating yourself like crap for it, thus reaffirming to him why you're not together, but also showing him that since you don't respect yourself, he doesn't have to either.

 

YOURE NOT FRIENDS! Friends respect each other! He's telling you all this damage to him but yet he's getting in your pants. And you're letting him.

 

You need therapy. Have you considered it? Stop abusing yourself!

 

I hope you have broken it off fully with the guy you were seeing.

 

No I have not broken it off from the guy Im seeing. I tried. He says Im special and wants to get to know me more, despite telling him I am not over my ex. I dont have the energy to deal with it. Hes a really nice guy.

 

As far as therapy, I went before but stopped bc of insurance issues. Also, I grew emotionally and my self worth was back to where it needed to be, so I figured that therapy was no longer a need for me. Why do you think I need therapy? Bc I cant let go of him or bc Im psycho or something?

[hers]

B/c you're abusing yourself! You're letting a guy tell you how awful you are but still letting him sleep with you. You have zero respect for yourself and you need to get in therapy to work through that.

[Qut81]

B/c you're abusing yourself! You're letting a guy tell you how awful you are but still letting him sleep with you. You have zero respect for yourself and you need to get in therapy to work through that.

 

Yea, I guess your right.

[hers]

At this point, it has nothing to do with your ex. You're allowing yourself to be treated this way so really there's no excuse or blaming him. This is all you at this point. You're choosing this path. You and only you have the power to stop it.

[Girl wants EX]

So correct! sometimes we just don't realize when we abuse ourselves.

[hers]

I wrote a thread today called "self-abuse". Please read it. I hope it will help you, qut.

[Qut81]

I wrote a thread today called "self-abuse". Please read it. I hope it will help you, qut.

 

Thank you. I really respond well to your posts. Your firm but not mean and I need someone to be firm with me. I really wish someone would slap me and say "snap out of it!". I need to do that for myself I guess. I usually have a threshold where I do have enough and just walk away. I did that with my ex before him. I hope it will happen soon with my ex now.

[hers]

No one can slap you out of it. Only you can do it yourself. We can be here and support you, but there's nothing else we can do b/c you're not a puppet. You make decisions for yourself and then you figure out if it was a good or bad one. If you see ut as a mistake, find a way to learn from it in order to make it a lesson.

 

I don't know how I've gotten into or found your and coco's threads, b/c I never pay attention to the breaking up or healing forums. But I do know I was soooo like both of you before. I let my ex walk all over me and I walked all over him. Thanks to having faith and stuff I'd read on this board and things I've learned in my 12-step program, I feel soo much healthier. That's not to say I won't be in an unhealty relationship again one day b/c I can tell the future but I know I at least have the tools to get out of it if I find myself in one again.

[loulee]

we would slap you if we could!! joking of course, hersmudders posts are excellent, and you really need to try, just try to listen and think with your head and not your heart, nor your vanity!!...Amazing sex can be very bonding also, more so usually to a female. and we can easily lose perpective in a relationship that was once good and is now no longer after the high of closeness during and after sex......you do have low esteem issues this is obvious in every post AND often expected under your ciircumstances....its time for change and this is where you need to step up be strong and cut your losses. Do not let your FEARS rule you as they currently are. You fear his loss, you fear you cannot be alone nor happy with someone else, so you sugar coat whats really happening because it is difficult to accept he is using you now...rise above these fears..take some time for you to get happy on your own...no one else can do this for you but if happiness is truly what you seek in the long term , then seeking it will not be found within this relationship...good luck we hope you find your strengths to move on from this...time is always on your side so use it....