I know I handled this poorly...

[chewy21]

Hi guys. First post, of what could turn into many over the course of this... issue? Conflict, I suppose, would be the best word.

 

A warning: This is pretty long.

 

My fiancee and I just broke up earlier this evening. We had been together for two years, and engaged since September of 2008.

 

A bit of background:

 

We met in college.

We share (shared) an apartment.

She's been dealing with clinical depression since high school.

I've always been the "see a problem, fix a problem" kind of guy.

 

Things have been pretty good recently. I just got a new job that I actually enjoy for a change, and we haven't had any huge problems to speak of. A spat here and there, but it does happen when you take two lives and try to make them one.

 

Last January, I had surgery to remove my gall bladder, as it was full of stones and causing me daily unbearable pain. Because I'm not from a rich family, this meant I had to take some time off from school and get a full time job in order to pay for it. Well, she decided to take some time off from school as well, so we both had jobs and were both working hard to get back into school.

 

Now, on to the occurances of today. I'll do my best to present us both as fairly as possible. I know this is an exercise in futility, as I have no idea what she's thinking, only what I'm thinking. But, nevertheless, here we go.

 

This morning we were fine. Yesterday, she had suggested that, since we both had the day off, we should have a "naked day" where we sit around the house naked until we can't help but have sex. Sounded good to me, but when I woke up this morning, she wasn't naked. Instead, she was clothed and sitting at her computer with one of those "I'm not chipper" looks on her face. So I didn't push the issue, since that would make me seem like an insensitive horn-dog. Anyway, I asked her if she was feeling okay, and she said that she hadn't woken up long before me and she was just a little groggy. Believing her, I asked if she still wanted to have naked day today. She looked at me like I just farted and said "Babe, I told you I just woke up." Okayyy... so I dropped it.

 

Later on it started bugging me. I'm the more sexual one, so it's usually me who gets turned down when I ask. We started talking about it, and I told her that I didn't think it was fair that she always decided when we had sex. Even when she planned it a day ahead of time, she would often not follow through with her own plans, and all it did was frustrate me. I asked her if she ever regretted having sex after we did it, and she said no... so I asked, then why don't you just do it sometimes when I want to? It always ends well.

 

She didn't really have an answer other than she just didn't feel like it sometimes. Which was fine, this wasn't a huge deal, and I wasn't about to make it a huge deal. That is, until she said something along the lines of "why can't you just accept who I am?"

 

This struck a chord with me. All I was attempting to do was have a discussion about our sex life, and see if there were changes we could make to improve it, but she took it personally and got defensive. I can't exactly blame her for this, because usually the things we are discussing are related to her depression, and it's hard to analyze someone's thoughts and actions to try and find out what's causing them without hurting that person's feelings.

 

So I pointed that out. And yeah... big mistake. It struck up a full-blown argument about how I always have to get my way and how I'm always trying to change her to be more like what I want her to be.

 

In her defense, she has made a lot of changes. Since we've been together, she's stopped drinking and driving, she's stopped cutting (self-mutilation), she's become more open to communication, and she's become more considerate of my feelings if she knows she's going to be out late (she gives me a call). In my defense, these changes that she's made have rarely been about what I want for selfish reasons. I want to help her through this depression, and I want her to have more respect for herself, and these are the reasons she's made the changes, even if she's doing it for me in her head.

 

Also, it's near impossible to have a civil discussion with her because of her defensiveness. It always turns into a competition that's all about who's going to cave first. I try to point out when she's on the verge of doing this, but that rarely works, and usually just ticks her off.

 

So, being the guy that I am, I decided to show her what it feels like to talk to someone who is focused on simply winning the argument. I dropped all pretention of discussion, and instead proceeded to engage her snide remarks, rather than point them out or ignore them. This, of course, degenerated further until both of us had said things to hurt the other. After a few minutes, she left to go for a drive and clear her head. Upon her return, I asked if she wanted to talk, and she said she did.

 

Immediately, she informed me that she was "50/50" about whether she wanted to stay or leave. I remained calm and suggested that we address her reasons for wanting to leave to see if we couldn't work them out. As we spoke, I began to suspect that she had no intention of staying, as we continued to talk in circles, always ending with her saying "I just don't know what to do" very calmly. (Yeah, I know all this "calm" stuff sounds like BS, but it really did happen that way. Neither of us were emotional... yet.)

 

After a long silence, I simply gave my side of it. I told her that I wanted her to stay, I wanted to continue trying to help her through her depression, and I would be willing to do what was necessary to make it work. She was silent. So I placed my hand on her lap and looked her in the eyes. I told her that I didn't know what else to say, and that I felt confident I had said everything I knew to say to let her know how I felt. I told her that I knew she would need time to think it over, and that I was willing to give it. Afterward, I got up and went to my computer to distract myself so I wouldn't be hounding her about her decision every five minutes.

 

Well, it turns out it didn't take five minutes before she was up, had my cell phone in her hands, slipped on her shoes, and went outside to call her mom, who I assume she had called and talked to on the drive she took. After a few minutes she came back in, pulled up a chair next to me, and said "I love you." Right then, I knew it was over, so I just nodded. She told me that she felt that she couldn't make me happy and fight her depression at the same time. All I could do was nod, until she started crying, which made me start crying, and we held each other for a few minutes. My mind obviously in that "do whatever it takes to hold on to her" mode, I suggested that we could take a break until she got things figured out. That way she wouldn't have to worry about me, and she could focus everything on getting better. But she said she had to choose between me and her sanity, and that she was choosing her sanity.

 

Now, I should add at this point that we did separate last year for about 4 months, when she moved back home to stay with her parents and attend therapy. It would have been longer, but I lost my job and needed her to come home and help us keep our apartment. Anyway, moving on...

 

I tried to tell her that there didn't have to be a choice between me and her sanity, that she could have both because I was willing to wait. However, she was dead-set on believing that there was a choice to make, offering last year's separation as evidence. She said that all she could think about when she was home last year was getting back to me, and because of that, she didn't try her hardest to get better.

 

This, to me, sounded like an excuse. She's always been very good at making excuses for herself, which is something that I tried to make her aware of and work on with her. I tried to point out to her that she was using our relationship as an excuse for not trying, but she just kept flatly disagreeing. I told her that I knew it would be hard to beat this depression, and that it would be harder still to beat it while also being in a relationship. After that, I offered a compromise: if she would stay and work on her depression here, and possibly have her mother send the money for therapy, then I would be willing to completely put our relationship on hold, no expectations, while she gave it her all trying to get over her depression. Still no dice.

 

At this point, I wasn't sure if she knew what the implications of this were for me. You see, while I have a good job (that I recently started, and that I enjoy) I have no way to get there. That was always kind of the unspoken arrangement: she has transportation, and I bring in more money, so it kind of evens itself out. However, if she left, not only could I not afford our apartment alone, I would have no way to get to work and would therefore have no chance of finding an apartment I could afford. (Before you start thinking it, no, I live in semi-rural eastern texas, and there is no public transportation here.) Not only that, but leaving this town means I can't go back next semester and finish school. So, to summarize, not only am I emotionally devastated if she leaves, the rest of my life is also screwed.

 

So I decided to put the emotional devastation aside for a moment and see if I could salvage the rest of my life. I asked her if, since her leaving means I'm screwed, she would consider staying just a few more weeks to give me a chance to find somewhere else to live that might be within walking distance to my job. She refused.

 

I couldn't believe it. She would not stay just a few weeks to avoid comepletely destroying everything I've worked for and derailing the rest of my life. This was the person I put all my faith in- I didn't have a backup plan, because I didn't think I'd need one. We depended on each other. But now, she had somewhere to go live, and I didn't... but she wasn't about to make sure I'd be okay. I was shocked.

 

When I asked her why, all she said was "I don't think I could handle living in this apartment with you if we're not together. It just wouldn't feel right."

 

And I'm thinking, no, of course it wouldn't. It doesn't feel right that we're breaking up in the first place. But this, just hanging out for a few weeks to give me a chance to scrape together what I can and potentially keep me from being homeless, is something I would do for a random roommate, much less someone I claimed to love. I knew it would be awkward to live together without being in a relationship, but seeing as it would only be for a few weeks, you would think that both of us would be more concerned with the fact that I would have nothing after she left

 

So, after being so dumbfounded that I asked her several more times to be sure she understood just what it was that I was asking her to do, she refused several more times, finally saying "this is the last time: no."

 

I got extremely angry. And I know you think you know where this is going, but I'm not the type that would ever hit a woman. No, instead, I told her never to speak to me again, that she was a piece of *** and that I couldn't believe she could ever do something like this to me. In my anger, I followed her around as she packed, telling her what I thought of her. I had lost all respect for her very quickly.

 

She eventually left with an overnight bag and some clothes. Somebody from her family is supposed to be here tomorrow morning to help her collect her things. I really couldn't tell you where she is now. There is only one person in the area who she could stay with, and I hope she's there. Alternatively, I'm thinking she may have attempted to drive to her mother's house (nearly three hours) with no money, no phone, and not enough gas for the trip. It sounds crazy, I know, but I honestly wouldn't put it past her.

 

I know I handled the situation horribly toward the end. However, I still cannot believe that she would do this to me. This is the person who I shared a bed with last night, who told me earlier today how much she loved me and that she wanted to be with me forever... and yet she can't bear a few awkward weeks to save me from total devastation?

 

Questions for you guys:

 

Am I wrong to expect this of her?

 

Considering she suffers from a mental condition, what should my reaction have been?

 

What would you have done differently?

 

Any comments are welcome and appreciated. By the way, thanks for reading this whole thing, I know it's long, and hopefully I wasn't too long-winded or repetitive.

 

Thanks,

Chewy

[Pixiedoc]

Oh dear, this whole thing is such a shame.

 

It's very difficult living with someone who suffers from depression (been there twice) - there are so many eggshells you can't walk on and yet sometimes you just don't know what they are/will be. Another thing is that someone with depression will make plans (like she did for your 'naked day') and JUST NOT FEEL LIKE IT hours later. I'm sure you know this.

 

I am surprised she didn't consider staying for a few weeks, but it appears you were pushing her very hard all the way through this episode and she just completely gave up and made her mind up. I don't think anything you could have said would have made the difference.

 

She also seems quite fragile and certainly not strong and I think she has been trying to point this out to you for a while. You have been there for her and tried to understand what she was going through but some of what you said and did was a bit impulsive (I know you regret some of it later). Unfortunately the very fact that you said it pushed her in a corner. Depressives need time alone, a lot of it, and if you push, they will run as far away as possible.

 

Practically, is there any way you can save up for cheap CAR instead of moving, then you can hang on for a while to consider your next move?

 

Next thing is, do NOT contact her except to say a brief 'sorry', or 'how are you'. Anything else will also be seen as pushing. This will take a lot of effort from you. Do you have family who can help with finances in the short term? If so they will be able to give you some emotional support too.

 

Don't blame yourself too much, it was a spontenous situation which ended very badly, but ultimately I think you would have come up against it time and time again. Maybe now it's time to get yourself on your feet, recover from this and make yourself the first priority for a while. Take care.

[chewy21]

Wow, Pixiedoc. Thank you.

 

I can definitely tell you've been here before. I was nodding my head the whole time I was reading.

 

And yes, you're right about so much. It was due to her depression that our plans would get broken, and I did have to "tip-toe" around her most of the time. This, of course, didn't change the fact that I love her, and I just tried to be as supportive as I could.

 

However, I'm not the kind of person who can sit around and not do anything. I wanted to help her. Actually, I needed to help her. And I did push, very hard sometimes. It just seemed that she wouldn't work on it without some pressure. She tended to keep things bottled up inside rather than talk about them. I told her several times that this could be either a cause or an effect of her depression. Depending on her mood, sometimes she would agree and tell me that she would work with me on fixing it, and others she would get defiant and say "well, that's just who I am."

 

I honestly don't think she had been trying to let me know that she couldn't handle it. If she had been, then she had been trying to communicate with me in a way we never did. She didn't do anything different than she normally did until right at the end, and I would have known because I was incredibly good at reading her and being able to tell if something was wrong or on her mind.

 

And yes, some of what I did was impulsive, and that's completely my fault. All I can say in my defense is that this type of encounter had happened over and over again, and I was running out of ways to deal with them. As much as I loved her, I also had to think of myself sometimes, or I would end up in the same (if not worse) shape as she was.

 

Unfortunately, I don't have any way of saving up for any kind of transportation. All I have is part of our rent money from this month (we were going to be late with the payment because I was unemployed for the first week of April). I was able to get my mother on the phone last night, though, and it killed my pride to beg her to let me move in with her and her husband. She agreed, since they have a spare bedroom. So now I start the job hunt all over again in a new town, somehow, without transportation or borrowing theirs.

 

And yes, it will be hard not to contact her, especially for me. I always need to be assured that I've done everything possible to rectify a situation. Like I said in the OP, I'm a "fixer", and that makes it hard to do nothing.

 

But you're right, and I will use this time to save up money. My expenses at my mother's house will be virtually non-existant, so once I get a job I'll be able to get rid of some of my debt. Then I'll start saving for a mode of transportation, and then to get another apartment back here so I can finish school. If she's able to get better between now and then, it's possible that we could work it out. I'm not holding out hope for it, though, and I'm finally sure that I don't want anything to do with her until she's healthy. It wouldn't do either of us any good to get right back on the same crazy ride we just got off.

 

Again, thank you so much for your reply. I really appreciated your insight, and you've helped me to "get my head on straight."

[baffled]

Haha. Wow. This is eerily similar to what I went through about 3 months ago. My ex has diagnosed OCD, depression, low self-esteem and almost certainly other (undiagnosed) psychological problems. We were together over 4 years, and had no major problems with her illness until her OCD seemed to get out of control right around the time of the breakup. Triggered by stress most likely. I also was in my last semester of school and ended up having to move back in with my parents 2 hours away and I have to commute to school (luckily it was just for about 1 month. I'm done in a week).

 

I don't know what to tell you man. I too have had brief periods of anger and almost hating her, but those are fleeting. I also really don't know whether to blame her for her decisions and treating me like garbage for the last 3 months, or to be understanding and blame the mental illness. I actually went to a counselor (I believe he's a psychology grad student) for some insight into the situation, but even he can't really say what's going on with her without evaluating her directly. I haven't spoken to her in 3 weeks, but will probably see her next weekend as it's her bro-in-law's 30th birthday and he's one of my best friends. She is supposed to be seeing a psychologist soon, but her OCD is so bad right now I don't know if she will (other than work, from the way she talks, she seems to be almost non-functional... can't even watch TV her obsessions are so bad). I've sort of given up on it. I haven't talked to her in 3 weeks because, although I know she's sick, I feel like continuing to talk to her is almost enabling her behavior towards me. To be honest I'm sort of fed up with it because right from the beginning I told her I would always be there for her if she ever got sick (her mom has schizophrenia and one of my ex's worries was that she would develop it) I would be there for her. But instead she just cut me out of her life basically.

 

If you want an interesting and long story check out my previous started threads. For the first 1.5 months after the breakup it was a wild ride emotionally.

 

I guess my question for you is, do you want her back? Are you sure?

 

And to answer you questions:

 

Am I wrong to expect this of her?

Well, yes and no. Yes in that, from my and your perspective, after all you've done for her she certainly SHOULD be there for you for at least a couple weeks so you can get your * * * * together. No in that we really have no idea what's going through her head and what she's feeling. Who knows how any of us would act with her illness? We're not in her shoes.

 

Considering she suffers from a mental condition, what should my reaction have been?

I don't think there's a right or wrong reaction to this. You were certainly entitled to being angry. Did following her around at the end calling her names accomplish anything? My guess is no, so you may have wanted to react differently there. But then again, maybe it did and it will make her realize sooner that what she's doing to you is very very wrong from your perspective. Honestly, there are times when I question whether I should have "blown up" at my ex for what she did to me because maybe she would have realized that what she was doing was crap. I dunno.

 

What would you have done differently?

Meh. Maybe not have done the following around/name calling thing. One thing that (I think?) I've learned from my experience is that you can't "fix" them by pressuring them into getting help or working on things. The best bet is to be as understanding as possible and maybe gently try to convince them to see a psychologist. But then again, like you said, just sitting back and taking it may not have been the best for YOUR psychology, so it's hard to say.

[chewy21]

Thanks, baffled.

 

Yeah, I know the name calling thing was where I messed up big time. I just couldn't believe what she was doing, and I didn't think she was aware, either. I couldn't conceive that she just didn't care what happened to me, and still can't. It was well within her power to keep my life from completely falling apart, and she flatly refused. That's not how you treat someone you love... and like I said, I wouldn't treat a plain-old roommate that badly. I didn't do anything to deserve that. I might not have gone about helping her in the best way possible, but I did the best I could and did everything I knew how to do.

 

As far as pressuring her goes, I felt it was the best thing to do. She wouldn't even attempt to help herself on her own, always using something as an excuse not to do it. I knew she loved me and wanted our relationship to work, and I, of course, wanted the same thing. That's why I felt I needed to urge her in the right direction, because not only did I want her to get better so that she would be happier, we needed her to get better for our relationship to work.

 

And yes, I would like to get back together with her. It's not the love talking when I say there's no one else like her, she's unique and we're perfect for each other aside from the depression issue. But absolutely not right now. I wouldn't even consider a reunion until she's healthy.

 

Anyway, thanks again for your comments. It really helps to know I'm not the only one who's gone through this type of breakup before.

[baffled]

I just couldn't believe what she was doing, and I didn't think she was aware, either. I couldn't conceive that she just didn't care what happened to me, and still can't. It was well within her power to keep my life from completely falling apart, and she flatly refused. That's not how you treat someone you love... and like I said, I wouldn't treat a plain-old roommate that badly. I didn't do anything to deserve that.

 

Yeah, it's pretty difficult to handle. It's hard to understand what people with mental illnesses that are out of control are thinking or feeling. You also don't know that she doesn't care, it may be just that she can't handle the situation for whatever reason. Or, imo more likely, she actually doesn't care right now because of her depression and the emotions of the situation, but she will at some point (most likely soon).

 

As far as pressuring her goes, I felt it was the best thing to do. She wouldn't even attempt to help herself on her own, always using something as an excuse not to do it. I knew she loved me and wanted our relationship to work, and I, of course, wanted the same thing. That's why I felt I needed to urge her in the right direction, because not only did I want her to get better so that she would be happier, we needed her to get better for our relationship to work.

 

I know how you feel here. I think I would have done the same thing. With my ex, I never really got the chance to pressure her into getting help. She basically cracked and that was it. It actually took me a couple months to figure out what OCD can do to a relationship (I didn't really understand what it was until I did some more research... I only had the "common" understanding of it). I think MAYBE your best bet was to let things be but bring up psychotherapy occasionally and without pressure. And if she refused to get it, just let her know that your relationship can't continue in this fashion and if she doesn't get help you're gone. This way, the "hurt" and resentment from the times you pressured her wouldn't have built up and it probably wouldn't be so easy to leave. The shock of losing you at that point might have made her shape up and get help. But at the same time you were stuck between a rock and a hard place with your financial situation, so you probably couldn't have done this either.

 

Anyway, thanks again for your comments. It really helps to know I'm not the only one who's gone through this type of breakup before.

 

No problem. PM me if you ever want to chat. It actually helps me a lot too hearing about other people's breakups due to real (diagnosed) psychological issues. It's easy to read other threads on here and think a lot of things apply to your situation, start blaming yourself for whatever you can think of, and think the situation is hopeless. But I think that you need to be careful of doing this when you put mental illness in the picture because when it comes down to it it's even harder to predict what they're feeling/thinking (much more so than other people).

[kitchentable]

Wow. That's a very similar situation to the one I had. If you push they pull, if you pull they cry. So much of the relationship becomes "how do I keep her happy while asserting myself but being sensitive to her depression". I have a question. Did you ever feel like at times she was just using depression as an excuse to manipulate you? I know it sounds terrible but I felt that sometimes. Sex was the same, always on her terms. You can't push but geeze, if she was in the mood and I wasn't, I made an effort. It's been 8 months and I still don't know why it ended so abruptly.

 

Did you feel like she held you hostage for her happiness? Did she avoid conversations that involved something she did to upset you? I'm the same man. See a problem. Fix a problem. Next. Her constant self-defeating was holding her back from being so much. She wouldn't seek out therapy though. If she was feeling angry, I felt the wrath. If she was depressed, I felt resentment. It was an emotional rollercoaster. It does become an unbalanced relationship doesn't it? Where you start to feel like their dad or something.

[waveseer]

Also, it's near impossible to have a civil discussion with her because of her defensiveness.

 

This is the key to your relationship difficulties. No other issues can be addressed while this is still going on. If you cannot resolve it between yourselves then I suggest you seek third-party assistance. Otherwise the relationship will not have a solid foundation. I wish you the best possible outcome.

[kitchentable]

The resentment comes into play for us guys here because we were always stuck between a rock and a hard place. Most people that haven't had this kind of relationship offer really crappy advice too. "Don't try to fix them, you must have your own insecurities". blah blah. That's a load. Don't know about you guys but I wasn't aware that she was really depressed when we started dating. We don't really see what depression is until we are truly invested in the relationship. "Don't be such a nice guy". Well I wasn't a "nice guy". I was sensitive to her depression which makes being assertive and demanding come accross as controlling and insensitive to a depressed person.

 

It's nearly impossible to communicate with a depressed SO because if you explain what you are unsatisfied with, they take it as a personal insult. We are not doormats and have needs too. Constantly ensuring that the depressed one is not offended forces us to suppress complaints and creates resentment. Then at the end, when we see that they are still so self-consumed that they can't even respect our needs in the ending of the relationship we get angry and finally say everything we had been holding in leading up to the break up.

 

We don't mean it per se. We are just angry that we were so understanding of someone and they still can't see past their own nose. It's truly a unique relationship and one I wish to never repeat. I'd like to date someone that isn't so fragile and selfish.

[chewy21]

Yeah, it's pretty difficult to handle. It's hard to understand what people with mental illnesses that are out of control are thinking or feeling. You also don't know that she doesn't care, it may be just that she can't handle the situation for whatever reason. Or, imo more likely, she actually doesn't care right now because of her depression and the emotions of the situation, but she will at some point (most likely soon).

 

I think you're right. I think that it leans more toward her having made up her mind that she just could not deal with both and be successful at either (her depression and our relationship). Maybe it was an excuse, but maybe she was right. Either way, I offered not to expect anything from her until she was well, as long as she wouldn't leave and destroy me in the process. I was being very sincere, and I made myself perfectly clear, but still she refused. It just didn't add up.

 

 

 

I know how you feel here. I think I would have done the same thing. With my ex, I never really got the chance to pressure her into getting help. She basically cracked and that was it. It actually took me a couple months to figure out what OCD can do to a relationship (I didn't really understand what it was until I did some more research... I only had the "common" understanding of it). I think MAYBE your best bet was to let things be but bring up psychotherapy occasionally and without pressure. And if she refused to get it, just let her know that your relationship can't continue in this fashion and if she doesn't get help you're gone. This way, the "hurt" and resentment from the times you pressured her wouldn't have built up and it probably wouldn't be so easy to leave. The shock of losing you at that point might have made her shape up and get help. But at the same time you were stuck between a rock and a hard place with your financial situation, so you probably couldn't have done this either.

 

I actually did this exact thing. I just got to a breaking point some months ago and told her straight up that she had to get better or I wouldn't be able to handle it much longer. It wasn't as insensitive as this sounds, as I made sure she understood that I loved her and wanted more than anything to continue being with her... but that at some point I had to start looking after myself as well.

 

No problem. PM me if you ever want to chat. It actually helps me a lot too hearing about other people's breakups due to real (diagnosed) psychological issues. It's easy to read other threads on here and think a lot of things apply to your situation, start blaming yourself for whatever you can think of, and think the situation is hopeless. But I think that you need to be careful of doing this when you put mental illness in the picture because when it comes down to it it's even harder to predict what they're feeling/thinking (much more so than other people).

 

I completely agree. It was only last night that all this happened, and while I was angry, I had a sense of clarity and calm. This morning erased all that, however, and I'm just in "zombie mode", just functioning and waiting for it to hit me. She and her sister will be here in probably about an hour to pack up her things. I'm thinking that when I see her go is when all the emotional gravity will bear down on me.

 

Again, thanks for your support, and I'm glad that what I had to say also was able to help your feelings, even in some small way. Depending on how I handle things today, I might take you up on the offer to chat about it later.

[chewy21]

Two excellent posts, kitchentable, and thank you for your response.

 

To answer the question in your first post, yes, I did feel that she would sometimes use her depression to either manipulate me or get her way. It became like a trump-card she could play whenever she wanted... though she did care about me, and only did it if we were in the middle of a fight.

 

And yes, you took the words right out of my mouth when you said that sometimes you felt like her father. Some of the things she would do would be so childish, and more than anything she hated being called a child. She also hated to be told what to do, even if it was something as simple as "stop." If I ever had to say that word in the middle of a discussion / argument, that was it. That was all she would dwell on for the duration, and all hope of mature communication was thrown out the window.

 

Some excellent lines from your second post:

 

We don't really see what depression is until we are truly invested in the relationship.

 

This is more true than anything I've read here. If you haven't been in this type of relationship, you cannot know what it feels like. It is constantly a struggle. It isn't just about dealing with the ever-changing moods of your SO, it's also about how you deal with problems between the two of you while also making sure they don't get offended in the process. I know that any time I brought up an issue I has with her, there was always a lengthy moment of hesitation, where I would think "Is this really worth bringing up? Is what I say going to set her off and turn this otherwise mundane situation into a living hell for the rest of the day? Is this something I can or should deal with?" I always strive to be honest with my partner, and it feels incredibly dishonest to keep from them something that's bothering me, something that we should be able to talk about and work through.

 

I was sensitive to her depression which makes being assertive and demanding come accross as controlling and insensitive to a depressed person.

 

Yes. Exactly. My situation was actually compounded in this aspect, as my father is a very controlling and manipulative person. My mother used to always tell me that she saw this in me, and that I'd better watch myself or I'd turn out the same way. So I always had my guard up about being controlling or manipulating Jessica (my ex-fiancee). She suggested that I was doing that a few times, and that was all it took to end the discussion, as I had to sit down and get my head straight to make sure I wasn't falling into my potentially inhereted habits.

 

But yes, I tried to relate to her several times how difficult it was for me to bring up problems, and most of the time she would just apologize to me and ask me if I was sure I wanted to continue the relationship. Of course, an apology wasn't what I wanted at all, as I didn't feel that it was her fault. And of course I wanted to continue to be with her, or I wouldn't be trying so hard to communicate.

 

We are just angry that we were so understanding of someone and they still can't see past their own nose.

 

That's a big part of it. For me, I didn't really have any pent-up anger, as I tried to communicate my feelings openly and honestly throughout our relationship, partly because I was hoping that she would take a cue from me and attempt to do the same. But yes, that's what got me at the end, when she refused to allow me the chance to prepare for her leaving me. I had done nothing but love her and try to help her for the past two and a half years, and now she couldn't see fit to just do what she had been doing already for a few more weeks so that my life could continue (partially) as I'd planned. That's really my only issue with this, and otherwise I would accept her decision and move on.

 

Again, thank you so much, kitchentable. I'm extremely glad I posted here. I never expected to find people who had gone through situations so remarkably similar to my own, and it has helped me a great deal.

[kitchentable]

We live and learn. I had to do a lot of soul searching after that relationship. I felt like I failed her. In the end, I know I did some things wrong but obviously my personality type is not compatible with a depressed person. We probably were controlling in a sense but not like "no you can't go out". More like, "try this to feel happier". We did try to change them just for their own (and the relationship's) benefit. Sounds terrible to anyone who doesn't understand. I try to frame it like this. If your SO said they felt like their life was worthless wouldn't you try to show them how much worth they have? That's all we tried to do. Get them to love themselves as much as we love ourselves and them. I hope my ex heals from her depression some day because if she doesn't she will never be happy.

[Pixiedoc]

Hi chewy

 

You're so right there are some of us who are/want to be/are good at being healers. There's nothing wrong with that. It's just that when the balance goes over the people who's illness drains them, and eventually you, there comes a point where you have to withdraw.

 

It's good that you've managed to do that with some of your feelings for her intact.

 

Some of it is her 'fault', but some isn't. She really does need to sort her head out and come back to you more healthy if anything is to work. If it doesn't then you have a significantly healthier portion (and chance) for you to go out and seek a more 50/50 relationship.

 

I did and I never looked back. Take care, you are sounding much better already

[baffled]

I completely agree. It was only last night that all this happened, and while I was angry, I had a sense of clarity and calm. This morning erased all that, however, and I'm just in "zombie mode", just functioning and waiting for it to hit me. She and her sister will be here in probably about an hour to pack up her things. I'm thinking that when I see her go is when all the emotional gravity will bear down on me.

 

Be prepared for your moods to fluctuate... a lot. I'm hoping your situation may be a bit easier to handle though since you at least know why she's leaving. At the time of the breakup, mine didn't even know why she was doing what she was doing. She still doesn't really understand what happened. OCD is an anxiety disorder and sufferers get strange/irrational thoughts stuck in their head and their anxiety spikes. Depression often follows. She didn't talk to me for 6 weeks after the breakup, there was other drama, so I had no clue * * * happened or what was going on. It wasn't until I came accross how OCD affects relationships that I was like "ooooh, welp at least it makes sense now". So I was almost stuck in limbo for >2 months, and I'm just now really getting over it.

 

Good luck for when she picks her stuff up. It's gonna be hard

[baffled]

This is spot on.

[kitchentable]

One last thing. I'm not saying this WILL happen. In my situation, the ex tried to keep me in her life but when I refused to play along anymore she started dating someone else immediately. That hurt more than anything that happened in the relationship. It's obvious that she can't truly be alone but the fact that "anybody" is better than nobody made me feel like she never really appreciated me for me and just enjoyed having someone to lean on.

 

I'd like to think that wasn't the case but I'll never really know. Good Luck.

[chewy21]

Thank you all for the excellent posts.

 

The move out started about 12:15 and just ended what must have been 30 minutes ago now.

 

As I suspected, I was a complete wreck. The good thing was that she came in a few minutes before her sister and brother-in-law, and I got to talk to her and apologize for the things I said last night. She was understanding, and told me I had every right to be angry. I made sure she understood that I was angry at the way I had been treated, but that it still didn't excuse the things I said. Regardless of what happens with us in the future, she deserved that apology.

 

So, i knew I'd be a wreck, but it came at the most awkward times. There were some t-shirts that we had more-or-less traded with each other, because hers fit me better and vice-versa. I didn't know what to do with them, so i left them in a separate pile on the bedroom floor, and asked her if she wanted to keep that t-shirt and let me keep the one I got from her. She immediately started crying, and I had to choke back mine to tell her that I didn't want to make things harder, and that if that shirt would remind her of me too much, then I would just keep it.

 

That sounds a bit silly, though. Everything is going to remind us of each other for quite a while... we won't need any help from t-shirts. We decided to keep our traded shirts, regardless of what they might remind us of.

 

Another strange thing: we still couldn't help but touch as we passed each other and we still called each other "baby" during the whole process. It might not have been the healthiest thing to do, but it was honest. Neither of us felt that we were past doing that yet.

 

One thing I made clear, though, was that I didn't want to hear from her for quite a while. This is not only to help me get through this, but also to keep her focused on what she needs to do. I told her that when (if ever) she feels like she wants to talk to me again, that I would be glad to hear from her. She then told me that the next time I heard from her, she would be healthy. That was a relief.

 

So after everything was sorted out and loaded, she stayed behind for a few minutes to say goodbye. It really sucked. It was then that it hit me that this might be the last time I ever see her. She was crying hard, and I was barely managing to keep it together myself. I must have swayed toward her slightly, because she suddenly embraced me, and it was all too natural for me to return it. We both apologized to each other and said how sorry we were that it didn't work out. After a few more minutes of us making the goodbye longer and harder than it needed to be, she walked out the door. That image of her looking back at me as she left killed me, and is forever burned into my brain. I collapsed and lost it for a good 10 minutes there on the floor after she left.

 

A few minutes later, after walking around, looking at the apartment and feeling that I didn't belong here anymore, I called my brother, as he's the only member of my family who's home right now. That made me feel a lot better. He was very considerate and just listened and agreed with me as I related the whole incident back to him. After talking with him for a few minutes, I was able to pull myself together, and actually find some humor in the situation.

 

So that's where I am now. I know baffled said I can expect my moods to fluctuate rapidly, and I'm as prepared as I can be. I do expect it, and I also fully expect that I'll attempt to be weak and e-mail her. I'm going to do my best to keep from doing that, though, because it wouldn't help anything. I honestly think it's become more of a habit to make sure she's okay than a genuine concern at this point, and I'm trying to draw that distinction. I do care about her, but she's with her family and I know she's safe. I also know that she'll deal with this in her own way, and if anyone can help her through it, it can't be me this time.

 

I know I say this twice every post, but I really mean it: thank you all so very much. This has been a life-saver for me, as I really don't have a lot of people to talk to about this who have the time to listen to me whenever I need an ear. Getting it out this way has been extremely helpful and therapeutic.

[kitchentable]

It's a long hard road. You will probably be all over the map emotionally. It's all normal. The anger phase has still been the last hurdle for me. Most of the time I'm alright but everyone once in a while I get really mad at someone that is no longer a part of my life. Ya done good man. Hopefully this will be last you guys hear from each other for a while. Trust me, if you guys do make contact before either of you are healed it will only get ugly.

[SapphireNoir10]

I find it very unfair how uncompromising she is and has been. It wouldnt have hurt her to stay for you. If she was willing to break up the relationship then she could have been willing to help you out.

 

To be honest I think you'll be better of in the long run. I dont think shes ready for a loving relationship at the moment. She needs to sort out her life and her head.

[JusticeLaw9]

I think you did all that you could do in this situation. Dating someone with psychological issues is a very serious challenge & there's only so much that you can do. I admire your courage for hanging in there for as long as you did and giving it everything you've got. Unfortunately things just didn't work in your favor.

 

I don't think you should come down on yourself too hard about this. If a person knows they have a problem, I feel that it's their responsibility to do something about it. I dated a woman once with a similiar issue and she gave me the lame excuse that she wasn't going to take her meds because it "made her gain weight." So basically, she's going to put me thru **** just to shed a few pounds and look cute? Bump that, I don't think so.

 

I don't think your expectations were off. You sound very supportive and that you really did give things a solid "go,". But I think the girl was just going thru too many things mentally to be able to handle a mature relationship at the time. This isn't a knock on her, but just something you may want to think about.

 

You'll probably be devastated for a while, but I hope not too long. Because it really seems like you've done everything you could and sometimes that's all you can do.

 

Good luck!

[Pixiedoc]

Aww, sweetie, it made me so sad to hear about what you've been through, and very sorry that she couldn't find it in her to change her mind and be a bit more flexible.

 

But by the end of your message you seem to feel better and to have come to terms with a lot of things about this situation.

 

Well done for dealing with the practicalities so well and remember you will have ups and downs, it will get better slowly but you'll still have some rough times. You really did do your best though and your conscience is clear - take care.

[Carpe Diem]

Hi chewy

 

You're so right there are some of us who are/want to be/are good at being healers. There's nothing wrong with that. It's just that when the balance goes over the people who's illness drains them, and eventually you, there comes a point where you have to withdraw.

 

It's good that you've managed to do that with some of your feelings for her intact.

 

Some of it is her 'fault', but some isn't. She really does need to sort her head out and come back to you more healthy if anything is to work. If it doesn't then you have a significantly healthier portion (and chance) for you to go out and seek a more 50/50 relationship.

 

I did and I never looked back. Take care, you are sounding much better already

 

This advice is spot on. My ex-gf was diagnosed bipolar (like you, I knew it going into the relationship but didn't fully appreciate what it meant) and it played a significant role in our breakup. You can search for my original thread for the details. Though we have/had specific issues that may never be overcome, whereas it sounds like your gf just felt like she needed to be on her own for a while, my ex-gf had gotten to the point by our breakup that she was so unhappy with herself that she needed to take time to "work on herself" and figure things out.

 

Your story is similar in many ways to mine. Like you, chewy, I just want her to be happy and healthy because I know what a struggle it is for her to get through life and manage relationships. I too told her that I needed to not speak with her for awhile, mostly for my own protection because I don't want to be stuck in emotional limbo for months or years, but also because I know that if we ever will reconnect down the line, this is something that she needs to be able to do on her own. I have not heard from her in nearly 2 months, so I don't know if she's continuing with the therapy and meds changes she told me about shortly after the breakup.

 

It is a very hard thing to accept when you have a history and when you feel that you're perfect for each other except for the barriers created by her mental illness. It's not a case of one person falling out of love with the other--and that almost makes it more difficult to truly move on. When it's in your nature to stick by someone no matter what and to help them, it's hard to let go and let them take care of business on their own. But Pixiedoc is right--you have feelings and needs too and you cannot build a relationship based on one person constantly giving and giving and not getting enough in return.

 

After much soul searching, I know that for me withdrawing was the right thing to do. If we're ever going to be in a happy, lasting relationship, she needs to take responsibility for her condition and for getting the help that she needs to live a fulfilling life for herself, and only then can she share happiness with someone else on a lasting basis.

 

You can feel free to PM me as well if you'd like to discuss. These issues aren't easy and coming out of a relationship with someone who's affected by mental illness can leave you questioning yourself and your entire relationship.

[chewy21]

So I'm three days in. My brother came over later in the day that she came to move out. He's been hanging out with me here ever since. It's really been good to have him around, because it takes my mind off of everything.

 

I know I'm still incredibly unstable, though, because in the few moments I have to be alone (especially at night when I go to sleep), I still find myself breaking down. I know that it's normal, though, and that having him here has just delayed the inevitable bottom I'll hit.

 

I did do something I shouldn't have, though. I wrote her an e-mail.

 

I feel bad because I said I'd give her time away from me to work all of this out, and that she could contact me when or if she felt like she was ready. Well, I'm strong in a lot of ways, but I wasn't strong enough to handle our non-contact.

 

I justify myself by saying that my life was all about what was best for her for the last two and a half years, and that I needed to do this for me. I'm trying to be honest with myself and with her. If I feel the need to contact her, I should contact her, right? If I don't, then I'm pretending that everything's fine and that I can handle it.

 

I know I probably committed some break up no-no's in the message as well. The main reason I wrote was to let her know that after everything that's happened, I don't want her to feel she's burned any bridges. If she feels like she wants to come back after she's gotten healthy, I don't want what happened between us to discourage her from letting me know.

 

Nowhere in the message did I imply that I expected any kind of relpy, though.

 

I also felt the need to tell her how I've been dealing with this, what's been on my mind, and thoughts that went through my mind while I was packing my stuff. Again, I know this probably isn't good for either of us (according to those who know healthy relationships), but it was something I felt like I needed to do. It's selfish, but I need to start thinking about myself again at some point.

 

Any thoughts on this? Was this an incredibly bad move, or is it better that she knows this door is still open?