She mistook me for a "bad boy", and I lost her

[QBwannaB]

A girl and I dated for about 3 months, but on the verge of going exclusive, we drifted apart. Two weeks ago, she moved directly accross the street from me (why? New York is a big city!). She has a new BF now (of about 2 months). After talking, we realized there was a huge misunderstanding, and that we still miss and care about each other very much. But I can't get her back in good conscience.

 

The Details: We dated during the fall/winter of 2008. I took it casually at first, but she was very interested in me from the start. She's a Chinese grad student, who seemed to be on the hunt for a husband. I didn't want either of us to get hurt, so I went slowly to decide if our cultural differences would prevent a real future together. We started falling for each other, but never had the chance to discuss going exclusive.

 

In December, we still talked and IMed regularly, but she was always too busy with final exams to go out. After that, she played increasingly hard to get. When she did return my calls, she sounded warm, but every time we made plans, she'd cancel with some excuse. I tried very hard to reconnect, but when she declined on my Valentine's Day invitation, I became angry and gave up. We kept in touch occassionally, but it felt like she was stringing me along, asking personal questions, if I was still single, and who the girls in my Facebook pictures were.

 

Recently, she told me we were going to be neighbors. The day she moved in, I bumped into her and her new BF (whom I didn't know about). She knew I was mad, so she wanted to meet and explain. She revealed that for the longest time, she thought I was being a "player", not treating her seriously. She confessed that she never stopped thinking about me, but she was afraid to keep seeing me, thinking I was no good for her. Around the time she grew distant, she met her new BF. He's very kind to her, calls daily, and showers her with attention. But she says, he doesn't excite her the way I did. After our talk, she realized I was a good guy all along. That night, she began sending texts, apologizing for mistreating me, telling me how sad she felt, that she still has feelings for me, but she doesn't want to hurt her new BF. The last one just read, "God, I really miss you now." I know I could win her back, but I told her that she deserves a chance to be happy, and I wouldn't interfere with her new relationship.

 

It's been a week now, and we're still avoiding each other. I can't promise her marriage, but I miss her so much. I've always been a gentleman, so it's ironic she thought I was a player.

[OziJack]

OH gawd, are you ever being 'played' now !

 

So ,as I understand it- She and you dated for a few months and were getting connected. However, she was also warming up another guy on the bench and manipulated you into retreating by "becoming distant" ( do you know how women "branch swing" ? )

 

Fastforward a bit, and LOOK, she is moving in accross the street. You bump into her and she tells you that she thought you were a bad a##, and she never stopped thinking about you.

 

BUT wait, she is now bored with her uber generous B/f because there is no spark, but plenty of $$, and now she is getting all gushy over missing you.

 

Two questions...

 

Are you willing to be her "bit on the side"?

 

Do you want me to give you the 'womanspeek' translation of, " I thought that you were a player "

[QBwannaB]

Look, I've always been a good guy, and I've tried not to turn too cynical after getting burned in the past. I've learned not to give up too much attention or affection without getting anything in return, and no I'm not willing to be a "bit on the side."

 

"Player" and "bada##" weren't her words exactly, but she claims that she felt I was too aloof and felt I didn't care. I'm curious though, what is the "womanspeak" translation?

[annie24]

i think this may be a cultural difference thing. now, i'm not sure, perhaps a chinese person could answer this better, but perhaps in china, the men are more forward and pursue more strongly. so, when you told her you wanted to take things slow, she took that as saying you were not serious about her. so, now she is with a guy who is showing a lot of interest. that's my 2 cents - a cultural miscommunication.

[Imprecision]

i think this may be a cultural difference thing. now, i'm not sure, perhaps a chinese person could answer this better, but perhaps in china, the men are more forward and pursue more strongly. so, when you told her you wanted to take things slow, she took that as saying you were not serious about her. so, now she is with a guy who is showing a lot of interest. that's my 2 cents - a cultural miscommunication.

 

Haha - I'm Chinese, and I cannot answer this better. Women in China are as strange as women in the West. In fact, Chinese women are far stranger - Western women tend to be straightforward and to-the-point.

 

Some tips:

 

1. Chinese men tend to be more chauvinist than Western men. For instance, in the West, men hold doors open for women. Doesn't happen in China. In the West, men tend to be "considerate" of women's feelings. Doesn't happen in China, either.

 

Therefore, if you are a typical "nice guy," then Chinese women will think you're a great gentleman. The cultural differences would obscure your faults, because she would think, "Maybe guys are like this in the West."

 

Compared with Western women, Chinese women tend to go for scholarly types and gentlemanly types. But you still have to be fun and exciting - that's the whole point of exoticism.

 

2. That being said, the basic ground rules apply. For instance, you can't be needy. If you're needy, they step all over you. Women are very practical - as soon as you stop giving them value, they leave you.

 

I know I didn't answer your questions directly. But I've planted these tips as seeds in your mind, so hopefully you'll begin to notice patterns in her behaviour.

 

Is her new boyfriend Chinese or Western? This might shed some light, too.

[annie24]

my opinion is that western men are not as forward with their intentions/feelings as say, latin men. i'm not sure how heavily chinese men pursue (i've only dated a few chinese men, all have been chinese-american). however, my friend (white guy) is married to a chinese lady, and he told me he had to pursue her very strongly for a year or two before she even really gave him the time of day.

[QBwannaB]

Thanks for the responses and input, everyone. Actually, I'm Asian-American (related to Chinese), so I'm able to understand both sides of the story. When we were together, I did things like help her with her english papers and called when she was sick, but I've never been needy with her. In fact, I'm very independent... she was the needy one when we were together. She thought I was doing those things just to be nice, but never believed I really cared about her.

 

Her new bf is Korean-American. I don't know how happy they are together, but I do know that he gives her a lot more attention than I did. As much as I want her back, I can't justify trying to break them up intentionally. I know she's looking for something very long term, and who can guarantee that?

[SpaceGray]

sounds to me OP is being played by her.

 

logic anyone?

 

"oh my gosh i miss you sooooo much but my new bf is staying with me tonight."

[Imprecision]

Actually, I'm Asian-American (related to Chinese), so I'm able to understand both sides of the story.

 

Lol, what do you mean "related to Chinese"? Are you Hmong? By blood, I'm related to Hmong, too - so that's great if you are.

 

however, my friend (white guy) is married to a chinese lady, and he told me he had to pursue her very strongly for a year or two before she even really gave him the time of day.

 

Annie's observations are good. I think gender roles are far more clearly defined in China than in the West. So women expect you to make all the moves.