can i even ask WHY we are breaking up?

[newlife21]

hi, need a bit of advice or kind words, anything please...anyone....

 

his brief txt on reason to break up was he is having a hard time with my pms that put him on emotional roller coaster, its no fun he said. ( he is 40 plus, had a good job, not suppose to be a young punk just look for fun. we were together for 3 years.) as i recalled what i did, i pouted for one night, we exchanged one morning sms the next day, i took this day to cool down, the next day i started to make up to him by sending sweet text. my effort to make up should soothe him and he should cool down and we should be fine. he claimed he usually will pout for a day, and be ok fast, but this time, he seems not want to recover and asking to breaking up, and cut off communication. i emailed him once to explain, no reply. i back off.

 

i totally totally don't understand why this has to turn out into a breakup. is not logical, the way we loved each other. i want to ask him why why why? today is my first day NC, very difficult, questions keep popping up in my mind, but i know i can't ask him. trying so hard to stop myself not to ask him anymore. this is so unfair to me, even a "i don't love you anymore" is a reason. we were just so super in love few days back before i screwed thing up. i really hate beating myself up, i think pouting a little was not that fatal. i didn't say anything mean to him. we are at a stage that he is about to propose. i don't need to marry if he doesn't want to, but at least we don't have to break up! and he don't have to ignore me like this! this is totally unreasonable, and immature. what he is doing to me now is 10 times worse than my pms.

 

i need to hang on, i am sorry i keep posting, i am about to break down. and i am doing all i can not to contact him until he contact me. this is soooo hard, i feel like i want to die. i can't work...i know i need to, this forum is my only hope to keep my sanity... help please, anyone, i can't and won't beg him, so i am begging here...sob sob...and i miss him...no i can't miss him or i will die...

[Seraphim]

I can assure you, you will not die. However there has to be more about this than a case of PMS. One NEVER walks out the door one day because of a case of PMS. Stop and think about the relationship logically.

[Daria_Lane]

think back and see if there's isnt more to his reaction

[Growl1971]

first off, dealing with PMS, from a man's perspective is frustrating. How moody and 'pouty' were you? was this a monthly recurring event? did you use it as a crutch/excuse to nag/be mean to him? if you did...he might have just gotten tired of it.

 

STOP TEXTING...damn it. how sincere are your words on a freaking phone? really? where in the world did we stop talking FACE TO FACE? enough of this texting/email our deepest most inner thoughts. it totally desensitizes what you are saying, and easy to ignore.

 

texting should occur only for quick messages...not to have dialogue as to where you are in a relationship! ughh...

 

he broke up with you via text? what a wuss...

 

obviously there's so many details that you haven't stated on your post. there's always 2 sides to every pancake...

 

you just broke up...CALL HIM...don't text, don't send some 'magical' email...pick up the phone and use it the way it was intended!

 

this is NOT the way to leave things. if you call and he doesn't answer...LEAVE A MESSAGE.... if he doesn't respond within a couple of days...CALL AGAIN.... if after that...there's nothing else you can do. do not lose your dignity. if he's over 40, he needs to be mature enough to give you straight answers to straight questions. and you need to be ready to handle criticism over your pouting/whining from pms as much as you're ready to give it to him.

 

argue constructively...not in a self-defeating manner.

 

argue fairly.

 

but you definitely can't leave it like this...it's unfinished business.

[Seraphim]

Good post.

[newlife21]

agree! this is so unfinished business! this can be resolved!

 

we have a semi long distance relationship, when he is not here, sometimes i pout. but i am quick to realise my mistake because i want to make it work. and i do not mind taking actions to mend mistakes. i will say sorry, i don't play mind games, i wait, and many times we are good again. we talked about this before, he made effort to control his temperment while i tried too. we didn't even have super big fights, i had learnt my lesson and i don't lash out at him, i choose to keep quiet because i know i will cool off. i had made improvement.

 

i did call him, i want to call him, he won't pick up. whenever he is upset he just won't pick up. he did the same to a girl he dumped 19 years back. he is very cold when he is upset. he won't lash at me, just ignore.

 

i don't want to keep calling him, i don't want to appear begging, reading from the wisdom in this forum, it won't work. i had emailed him once i am putting in effort to improve my pms, he didn't reply.

 

this pms thing does happen in a pattern, i am aware and i am working on it. i want another chance, i don't want to break up... we were still very very in love just a week back!

 

all i can do now is wait, this so unfair in my case. i can't believe i can't have a discussion with him, i can't even talk with him. i am forced to do NC, but i didn't declare to him...

 

i don't even dare to ask are you really breaking up with me? i am hoping he will cool down...but is killing me right now. i can't believe he can do this to someone he loves. he claims to really love me.

[Lamprey]

Like people said, this was not because you pouted once. Was it a pattern? A lot of people dislike the fight/make-up cycle that repeats itself ad nauseum. Maybe this was just the last in a long series of fights and as he was getting closer to proposing, it started to matter more. Who wants to marry a woman who can't/won't avoid conflicts?

 

I'm in a relationship that's about to hit its 1.5 year mark. So far we've had 2 fights - neither of us ever raised our voice to the other, one resulted in us not talking for 20 minutes before we both forgot about it and the other, something like 40 minutes. If my gf wasn't willing to reason things out (as I am) before they became problems but instead gave me the silent treatment, I don't think I'd be able to be with her.

[newlife21]

yes, this is a pattern. i want to learn to avoid conflicts too, i am trying and learning. i did think that i am not good enough for him. maybe is my fault afterall. some people just cannot and don't like conflicts.

 

i see your point... as i mentioned in another thread, i feel that maybe i am not classy enough for him. cannot have full control of my emotion. but i read a book that taught how to over come this.

 

i feel like email him again, say something like give me another chance. if it still don't work, then we will call it quits... but i am so afraid he will ignore me again..hurts like hell. maybe i should wait a few days? afterall i sent him a mail yesterday already. or i just accept he don't love me anymore..? i am really at a loss...

[newlife21]

( talking to myself) no, can't contact him, it would be such a turn off to keep whining and finding excuses. i just have to pretend to be cool and classy. after all this was what attracted him in the first place. he doesn't like loud woman. i am not loud, i only lose some control during pms, and not all the time. i am not that bad...if not he wouldn't have loved me...

 

but i need to find strength to let him go if he wants to go. but part of me think that maybe i should beg a bit more, it shouldn't hurt that much...

[Growl1971]

Listen VERY carefully...

 

1. If he has withdrawn from you right now, he's probably a) frustrated to no end b) needs his 'cooling off' period...LEAVE HIM ALONE for a day or two... don't send any 'texts' or 'emails' or crap like that...leave him be! you will ONLY make matter worse, imo, if you pester him.

 

2. Sounds like you have some major insecurities when you say you don't feel you're good enough for him? * * * ? Why? Who is he Brad Pitt? Please. Those are YOUR EMOTIONS...not his...YOU need to do the work to not feel that way. It is an incredible burden for a man or a woman to have to shoulder that kind of emotional load. It will ALWAYS be there unless you do the work...and that means WORK...to stop thinking that way. I'm sure you're a wonderful person with great qualities...but you have to believe it!

 

3. You have to control your emotions...THIS was one of the biggies in my decision to dump my EX...NO CONTROL of her emotions... awful, messy, untimely 'meltdowns'...once, ok...twice, errrr.....three times? you're OUT... enough is enough. I'm sure you and your ex talked about this issue before right? did you just patronize him and tell him you'd work on it and then the next 'crisis' happens and you lose your *** again?

 

How old are you? I only ask because it sounds like alot of immaturity coming from you.

 

You are NOT PERFECT..neither is he. So stop putting yourself down and thinking your not good enough. But like I said above...you've got some work to do. Therapy? maybe. Books? sure. But if you fail to take care of this insecurity, as well as the emotional outburts...you're going to be on this board ALOT.

 

sorry, but I refuse to sugar coat this.

 

give the guy a couple of days...to cool off. get yourself together and think about what you need to do to change, and what he needs to do to help. then, when he's ready...CALMLY talk to each other. no ultimatums, no 'gloom and doom'...talk...in person or by phone...and for god's sake put the text to rest.

[newlife21]

thank you for your post. i was about to send a pleading email , your post stops me.

 

i am in mid 30. actually i have full confidence of myself, i have my own business, if i lose him i don't need another man, i can do fine myself. is because i love him, i have special feeling for him so i don't want to lose him. i don't do major melt down. i do put in effort to control emotion, and had improved. and i have the sense to read books to improve.

 

there is no way he will pick up my call. if i need to communicate, i could only email.

 

we talked about this before, i really want to work on it. i lost my cool last weekend which lead to this, as described. and yes, we had this several times before, but it is getting better.

 

i really appreciate your post. i will wait as long as i can.

[Growl1971]

i say this only because i went through a very similar situation...losing your emotional control is NOT fun to deal with....especially if it keeps happening after you've discussed it. it makes you a liability, a loose cannon...that is not attractive to most people, except for those who like drama in their lives...

 

if you have your own business, and are in your 30's....you are PLENTY good enough for anyone...good grief! you just have to believe it.

 

so, you blew up ...again... and now he has decided 'no mas' basically?

 

honey, i don't know what to tell you other then what i already have.

 

there is a right way and wrong way to discuss your emotions. whatever you are feeling is completely valid since they are YOUR feelings, and discussing them is healthy of course! but there is a time, place, and manner in which to do so.

 

adding to that, it's your approach in discussing them that is just as important. it's either healthy or self-defeating. remember, it's a 2 way street...of course you have your emotions...buttttttttt...he has HIS too. so you need to be open to what he has to say and LISTEN to him just as much as you'd like him to listen and hear you out.

 

but if the main problem is you losing your cool, and you've discussed it ad nauseum...and then you lose it again?

 

ughhh...

 

what you need to think about as you're losing it is this...IS LOSING MY COOL, NOT CONTROLLING MY EMOTIONS WORTH THE PRICE OF LOSING SOMEONE?

[newlife21]

yes, i have learnt to respect his feelings too, that is why i am putting up with his silent treatment with no resent. i used to think, if he loves me, how can he treat me like this? but over these three years, i learned about his temper too. he is not easy either, pouts a lot, but i learn to accept and deal with. we love each other, but is not easy. temperment wise we need to conquere this, if not, perhaps we are indeed a mismatch afterall.

 

but, i am willing to try keep cool, i have learnt my lesson, i don't want to lose him. in a way i didn't learn, not good enough, if not this wouldn't have happened again. but i think i did learn an aweful lot from this forum.

 

i think we didn't do a good job in how to deal with this. we just did a casual discussion in the restrauant, it didn't solver the problem.

 

you have no idea how thankful i am you pulled me back just in time. i hope i can last.

 

it did occur to me that maybe we are not compatible. i don't know, only time can tell.

[wandererlust]

newlife12:

I know exactly what you are going through- only I never got the chance to talk to my ex about my issues, he said "it got to the boiling point" but I never got to work it out with him when it was "simmering" inside of him....just get back to yourself, that's all you can do at this point. You and I are about the same age, it's admirable that you can be introspective and work on yourself! Hang in there...I truly, truly believe that there is someone out there for me that will love me, faults and flaws and all, whether it's my recent ex that I still hope gives me another chance or someone else. All we can do is learn about ourselves and how we affect those that care about us and how we should show how we care about them...and looking at ourselves is the best and biggest step in showing that care and love. So again, hang in there and post here as much as you can- I have been and it's really helpful!

[Growl1971]

well that was going to be my next post...from what wandererlust said...I truly, truly believe that there is someone out there for me that will love me, faults and flaws and all, whether it's my recent ex that I still hope gives me another chance or someone else

 

we ALL have warts! it's just a matter if we're compatible is all...but as long as you're learning what to be aware of, and try your hardest not to repeat those mistakes with someone new, or your ex...you'll be better off!

 

best of luck..

[newlife21]

hi wandererlust, thank you for your encouragement. just letting me post all i want is so helpful.

 

my ex boyfriend accepted all my flaws, biggest would be my pms. he did told me it wasn't fun, but somehow he could take it, he didn't even request me to change. Not blaming him but that was why i never learned to change. i was with this guy for 10 years.

 

with my current boyfriend, i didn't know at all some guys can't take it. i thought love is enough, just like my first bf. but at least i am not stubborn to insist to be the way i am. i am someone who wants to improve all the time. i learn other things easily, be it cooking, business, most things. just this emotional control, i have some difficult. but i am so so determined to learn.

 

i just sent him another email, not a long one, just two paragraphs. i promise myself this is the last one, and then i will wait patiently. i think it is not to the point of pester yet, since it is just a second email, and i will not send again, i promise you. i said i don't want to break up, i will not give you silent treatment again. then i said i still love him and want to hold his hands. i mention how happy we were to remind him. i didn't give any ultimatum, nothing harsh. i used to judge him how could you treat me like this. i don't do this anymore. no angry tone, only kindness and love. and just two short to the point paragraphs. i didn't even ask him to reply.

 

i don't know what's wrong with me, i just want to love this man. i have never "stoop so low to plead like this". i had been dumped before, i just leave and date again, happily. i feel that i had found the love of my heart. if i lose him, i have no urge to find replacement. is this obsessive love? i don't know. in a way i like it. i am free from other temptation.

 

i hope he can give us a chance. i hope he can resume some form of communication. will keep you updated...

[jasper01]

You're probably best off keeping your abandonment issues to yourself for the medium term. Which means not pleading for one. People who decide to leave have been thinking about it for quite a while and have already subjected themselves to various kinds of guilt. So they expect you to chase after them and have decided not to give in, at least for now. That's one of the reasons a lot of people suggest silence as a response. But I think there are better options.

 

I would send a short email note saying something to the effect of,

"I really am hearing how frustrating and overwhelming things were for you. Of course you felt that way - makes a lot of sense. If you feel you need some time to yourself to sort that through, I of course support your decision. At some point, I'd really be interested in hearing what was going on for you. No rush, it's up to you". Then wait, and survive in the meantime.

[newlife21]

hi jasper, thanks for your post.

 

for my case, i don't think he was thinking and planning to leave, it was a reaction. i think. last few times, some pleading from me worked. knowing him, there is a chance if i don't plead, he thinks that i don't care. i even know that he likes me chasing him. i don't mind doing a little of that. but stopping at that now. yes, i think he plays a bit mind game too.

 

anyway, i would step back now. time and our love will take over to do the job.

 

meanwhile, i think i will come to this forum to remain sane...

 

i feel good after sending the email, maybe it is false hope. but i need to say something important, then i am satisfied and wait.

[OziJack]

 

STOP TEXTING...damn it. how sincere are your words on a freaking phone? really? where in the world did we stop talking FACE TO FACE? enough of this texting/email our deepest most inner thoughts. it totally desensitizes what you are saying, and easy to ignore.

 

.

 

Yep. Good words .

 

IF he wants to break up he is royally pissed with you for a collection of reasons. Ifyou want to save this relationship, you need to get to the bottom of why he feels this way.

Either call him to meet and discuss or go visit him at home.

 

( OH, and please STOP calling men IMMATURE who are not acting in ways that please you. Is that word the favorite buzz female shaming word of this century, courtesy of Cosmo ? Damnit..it is annoying, and it is not smart to insult a man who has just dumped you if you want him back.. )

[OziJack]

hi jasper, thanks for your post.

 

for my case, i don't think he was thinking and planning to leave, it was a reaction.

.

 

NO it wasn't .You do not understand men , probably because you were always too comsumed by your own feelings.

Men tolerate women's emotional outbursts until the score gets to be 1000, and then they either have an affair or they just leave you.

His withdrawals were your warnings that the score was being raised every time you tossed a hissy.

[newlife21]

thanks. i hope i had learned this from you earlier. i hope he will give me another chance.

[newlife21]

Yep. Good words .

 

IF he wants to break up he is royally pissed with you for a collection of reasons. Ifyou want to save this relationship, you need to get to the bottom of why he feels this way.

Either call him to meet and discuss or go visit him at home.

 

( OH, and please STOP calling men IMMATURE who are not acting in ways that please you. Is that word the favorite buzz female shaming word of this century, courtesy of Cosmo ? Damnit..it is annoying, and it is not smart to insult a man who has just dumped you if you want him back.. )

 

i want to call him, he won't pick up. is not just this time, he doesn't pick up my call whenever he pouts. i am dying to talk to him or meet him, but i can't push. so i force myself to be patient. he has shut down on me. i know he is enjoying this.

[newlife21]

i am going borders to get the book "The Secret". i browse at it last week, it lift up my mood, makes me feel positive and be conscious about negative thoughts that might make me into a loose cannon. i read it before the fight, i should have bought it then i might have not screwed up.

 

but, if we patched up, this painful lesson would make me never to do it again.