i'm having such a hard time.

[dreamer0202]

i haven't been on this site in a long time, but i wasn't sure where else to go.

 

i have been really close with my grandmother my whole life. i would see her every couple of weeks, she shared with me every big moment in my life. for the last few years, my aunts and uncles moved away and my mom was left to take care of her on her own. i helped her out as much as i could. she had dementia and a lot of breathing problems.

 

last week she went to the hospital with bronchitis, and after two nights she accidently took of her breathing mask in her sleep. she declined so quickly, and because of her wishes (which she wrote down in detail for us), she was admitted to hospice on friday.

 

i feel so depressed. i'm apathetic, i want to cry all of the time, and i can't sleep. i spend as much time as i can at the hospital, but i work full time as a social worker. my job requires me to give on an emotional level, and to be extremely patient. i'm afraid to go to work tomorrow. my boyfriend is so sweet and wants to help, but there's not really a way to make me feel better.

 

this hospice thing could last days or months. she looks absolutely miserable, even though i know she's on morphine and probably fairly comfortable. i know she wouldn't have wanted to live like this. the nurses say that hearing is the last sense to go, but i'm not sure how much i should go to the hospital. my job keeps me ridiculously busy, and the hospital is like 45 minutes away. i want to be there for my mom, because i know she's probably going through a lot right now and exhausted too. i don't have any regrets about not seeing her enough... i'm just really sad because she won't be around in the future. i knew she was getting older and that it would happen eventually, but i'm going to miss her so much. i don't know how to get through this really.

[Capricorn3]

I'm sorry to hear you're having such a hard time, but try not to beat yourself up over this. It's unfortunately a part of life we all have to face at one time or another.

 

You are doing the best you can do under the circumstances and even though you'd like to do more, sometimes it's just not possible. Be there when you can and let her know how much you love her. It's all you can do.

 

I wish you well.

[dreamer0202]

Thank you Capricorn3. It's hard to know when you're doing enough, and whether she even knows I'm there. I really appreciate your reply.