VtecQueen Posted April 25, 2009 Share Posted April 25, 2009 My ex and I were together for 4 years. He broke up with me in October 08 "didn't want to be in a relationship right now" but about a week later he was in a relationship with another girl (although he claims he didn't leave me for someone else) The end of December 08 I went on a date and hooked up with a guy my ex knows of named James. (James is friends with Mike, but my ex and Mike are friends, so he knows of James, get it?) Anyway, my ex found out about the date and felt that the world was over and I did the worst possible thing anyone could have ever done (while still with his girl he left me for). I didn't hook up with James to get back at my ex, the ex and I were on NC basis so it really was none of his concern. So, ex and I fight most of Jan 09 and I start NC again until Easter Sunday. Now we are back talking, BUT he is STILL mad at what "I did to him" and "I can't trust you" and "it will take me a long time to get over this". Does not seem to understand he did what he did FIRST. I need your opinion as to what to do about this??? We still have feelings for one another (although he is still with the girl, but he says, "I'm not happy, I'm focused on me right now, there is no feelings there" whatever) He just can't seem to get over being mad at what I did. Does he have a right to be mad?? I told him if he doesn't want to be with me to leave me alone, but he keeps talking to me. IDK what to do!!!! Link to comment
Aeryn Posted April 25, 2009 Share Posted April 25, 2009 He has no right to be mad. What the hell is this guys problem? He was with a girl one week after he told you he wasn't ready for a relationship. You're the one who should be pissed. And he's not happy with this current girl, yet he's still with her? Personally, if I were in your situation, I'd tell the guy that you're willing to try working things out (since you two still have feelings for each other), but that you're not going to do it while he is still with this girl. Tell him to get in touch with you after the other girl is out of the picture, and then see where things go from there. Link to comment
alli Posted April 25, 2009 Share Posted April 25, 2009 He broke up with you, he started dating someone else immediately, then he claims he is the injured party because you started dating someone a couple months later. I would tell him that he has already made his choice & you have every right to date whoever you want. Did you point out his hypocrasy, in that he did exactly the same thing as you did, only sooner? Tell him that after he is done focusing on himself and is no longer seeing the girl, to give you a call and MAYBE you can give things another shot, if you are also ready and not seriously involved with anyone either. In the meantime, you will continue to see whoever you want. Side note... since things are still pretty wrapped up in the ex, don't let things get too serious with James. I don't see anything wrong with going on dates & hanging out, but don't lead him to believe it is going to be a relationship when you still have feelings for your ex. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted April 25, 2009 Share Posted April 25, 2009 This guy doesn't want to do any serious self-reflecting. He is a "me, me, me" person. Notice everything revolves around HIM. What YOU did to HIM...how he is with another girl but he is not crazy about her. Look how he manipulates situations and twists everything around to show what a martyr he is and how rough things are for him. He doesn't have the empathy and compassion to do some serious thinking about how his actions have hurt you and how he is using and stringing along someone else. Take a good long look at how selfish he is behaving now...how totally devoid of conscience...then do some serious reflections about your relationship with him and ask yourself if, in retrospect, he has always been this selfish and self-involved. Look at your relationship with fresh eyes...see what he is doing now and think back on the course of your relationship...did he always twist things around so that he could come off as blameless...did he always paint himself as a martyr...was it always his way or the highway....did he always put his feelings first and foremost over yours or anybody elses? I am not talking about little romantic gestures that guys typically do in the wooing process...I am talking about the real meaty things in the relationship..the things that really count...loyalty, honesty, integrity, reliability, empathy, compassion, consideration for you and others. Link to comment
VtecQueen Posted April 25, 2009 Author Share Posted April 25, 2009 did he always twist things around so that he could come off as blameless...did he always paint himself as a martyr...was it always his way or the highway....did he always put his feelings first and foremost over yours or anybody elses? YES to all of the above. Link to comment
VtecQueen Posted April 25, 2009 Author Share Posted April 25, 2009 He broke up with you, he started dating someone else immediately, then he claims he is the injured party because you started dating someone a couple months later. He is "hurt" because he actually KNEW the person I started dating. His excuse when I say "you are dating someone else, what am I suppose to do, sit and wait?!?!" he says "But you don't know her, I know James". It's so stupid, they wern't BFF's they only had a mutual friend. I could see if it was a guy he hung out with all the time, but it wasn't. I know I have a reason to be hurt, but he doesn't see that, he is so concerned with himself. Link to comment
teressa Posted April 25, 2009 Share Posted April 25, 2009 I seriously doubt that he is telling you the truth about his new girl. Think about it like this- do you think he's telling her that she means nothing? He's trying to keep you on a string, her too. It's selfish. Don't even talk to him about what you do or have done. I wouldn't even be talking to him if he was saying that kind of stuff to me or blaming me, or whatever, when he already had a new girlfriend. If you don't have any real need to communicate with him I'd just stop, and maybe tell him to talk to the new girl about how unhappy he is with her, instead of telling you...and that it's none of his business who you date, whether or not he knows them. Link to comment
alli Posted April 25, 2009 Share Posted April 25, 2009 He sounds pretty selfish. I can't believe you stuck with him for 4 years. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted April 25, 2009 Share Posted April 25, 2009 YES to all of the above. Since he has always been like that then it is no big surprise that he is acting this way now. Take a good long look at the kind of person he is and realize that in the long-term you would have been miserable with him. You deserve someone who takes your feelings into consideration and doesn't blame you. You have every right to date whom you want without your ex's approval. He does not own you. If he is angry at you, too bad...he has some nerve. Link to comment
VtecQueen Posted April 26, 2009 Author Share Posted April 26, 2009 Thanks so much......you are all right!!!!! I will be strong!!! I haven't talked to him since yesterday morning, and don't plan on saying anything.....just start NC right away, no good-bye or anything. If he wants to be with me, he will make it work. I know, he is not telling the girl what he tells me, he is probably telling her how much he loves her lol. If he doesn't want to make me and him work, then he wasn't the right one. He would rather be mad than work things out, so his loss. I tried, as always. Link to comment
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