9 months since breakup, he is still together with new gf

[Muisje08]

It's been a while since I was on the forum. 9 months ago I felt something was wrong, but my ex didn't say anything. Once I confronted him with an sms on his mobile, he 'had to think', and a week later he said he didn't feel anythong for me anymore.

 

We were together for 5 years, I was 29 he 28. He said he didn't not leave for for this girl, but that meeting her was an occasion to break up with me. However two weeks later (and probably earlier, or even during our relationship already) they were together.

 

He never said he was unahppy, and we were building to a future, had bought all our new furniture etc.

 

I went NC pretty soon, he only approached me to arrange the furniture etc. Always acted very cold and businesslike. Last contact was in January when he asked after money for the furniture which i promised I would pay in January. Which I did and never even heard from him since.

 

Ran into him once when I was running, and he was running, but I just passed and did not stop to talk.

 

So days go by, do a lot with friends and family, focus on work and try to be happy on my own, which is difficult. I haven't met anyone else yet. He is still together with her, planning a holiday to the same exotic country that I went to with him two years ago. Seems happy, but don't really know what is going on, haven't heard anything from anyone about them.

 

So, NC helps you to move on, but is not a strategy for them to come back, unfortunately.

 

Anyone with similar stories? Or has anyone still seen people get back together, even if one was left for someone else which hurts like hell?

[BrokenheartUK]

So, NC helps you to move on, but is not a strategy for them to come back, unfortunately.

 

I think the mistake people make is thinking that NC will make your ex miss you and want you back, when in reality all it does is help them forget you and help them move onto someone else. Believe me, I know: I used to think it would bring MY ex back but I've realised that she doesn't care that I'm not in her life anymore and is happily in love with her new boyfriend. It's my fault, I gave her up and missed my chance with her.

 

The only thing to do in this situation - which is what I'm doing - is to try and better ourselves and do all the things we always wanted to do. We do this whilst hoping that, like our exes, we will be lucky enough to meet someone else again one day.

 

Best of luck.

[testcase]

Yea, NC didn't bring my ex back... When I started NC that was my hope but honestly.. I sure as hell would rather go NC then go into pathetic beg mode to try to get her back. I mean NC is about getting yourself right, if you are trying to get back together with the person who just left you... you wouldn't be focusing on you.

[BrokenheartUK]

That's the exact philosophy you need. My NC is twofold:

 

1) To help me heal and move on, and stop thinking about her

2) To develop into the man I've always wanted to be, so when I meet someone new I will be ready for a relationship that will last a lifetime

 

Wishful thinking, but it keeps me going. I have given up all hope of my NC bringing my ex back and to be honest, I am at the point where I would rather never see her again (and I'm the dumper! Don't ask). I have to look out for myself.

[osterfanish]

Muisje08, this is almost exactly what happened to in my situation. I am also in NC with my ex (5 months since the break up, 2 months NC w/ the exception of a text exchange on my b-day), but it has not and will not bring her back, I am realizing. As others have noted, it has freed up her life so she can pursue her new relationship with the person that helped her decision in breaking up with me. I feel torn about this, because a large (perhaps selfish) part of me wants to still be in her life, so I can potentially be an obstacle for her new relationship. It sounds crazy, but I am sure others can identify with that need. I am trying to realize each day that NC is for me and me alone - that it will not bring her back. It helps that we are living in different cities, so there is no chance of running into each other. But I still miss my best friend and lover, all day, every day. There is also a lot of resentment, bitterness, and anger because of the way she left (also denying there was someone else). Still struggling and definitely can relate to your story. Stay strong.

[OrangeMoon]

Your ex has never been through the point we each go through after a break. Because he had someone there right away to focus his attention to.

 

So as long as he is 'happy' in that rels he can never really get to a place of missing you. If you were together for a while..he will miss you sometimes..but the minute he is bothered with it..here comes the girlfriend to give a hug to or have sex with.

 

He obviously checked out way before your rels ended, but was to weak to decide to leave on his own strenght. The fact that he needed that new relationship to break from you shows me that you either had a relationship with the coldest and biggest using dbag there was or that he indeed felt that the feelings he had were dorment enough to stay. There arent many men who are so calculated to go and plan a future buy new furniture when they know they are heading for the door the next week. That's too much possible drama. But if i am wrong with this...than that;s another point that he was no good in the 1st place.

 

He needed the comparison to have the strenght to break out. But "being attached" to someone..can never be compared to the first chemistry feelings.

 

It hurts as hell, to be caught up in a rels with a guy who lived a lie.. he was a very weak guy in my opinion..and in a few years (yes years..because the reality of these breakups take time) you will see that you were all the better of. You simply cant build a strong and healthy relationship with a weak guy or woman.

 

He might marry this girl, or jump in a new rels with the next one (my guess)..but if your rels was basically a sweet and loving one where he 'just fell out of love from" ..one day he's going to look back and regret what he has done. He will...

 

Next time if you bump up to him..be smiley. Dont give him the time of day..but look happy next time..

 

Take everything good that you got from this relationship..and focus on that when you go out into the world. Reprogram your thinking.

 

It was good it was just the furniture he left hanging and not your kids as well, it was good that he left at an age where you are still young enough to find several new prospects to practise your new and improved self on.

 

The hurt will pass..believe me

[Muisje08]

Thanks!

 

It is very strange how it all happened. He acted as if he was happy during the 5-year relationship, which makes it so hard for me to believe he is now really happy with someone else, you see? If he would have acted differently, I would be able to accept more, and let it go. But he he said he knew he was leaving somehting good bhind. He could also have said this not to hurt me, but the result it after 9 months I am still confused.

 

I grew so much as a person, and am convinced he would be happy now if he were with me. But he chose for someone else. Who know, many people tell me he might regret it, but only after a few years, when probably (I hope!) I will be happy with someone else. It is a real shame, isn't it??!