Well...that didn't go as planned....

[Delusional Kisses]

I decided to try my best to move on from the best friend and give a legitimate chance to the guy I have been "talking" to for the past 6 months or so. We had only fooled around a few times here and there and three weeks ago, we had sex. It had been over a year since I'd had sex (with the best friend and the pregnancy scare) so I must admit that it was emotionally hard for me, but of course, he didn't know that. Anyway, he seemed more than smitten afterwards and for the next two days was going on and on and on about how cool I was and how much he liked me, etc....but after those few days...nothing. In the past three weeks, I may have heard from him twice. What gives?!!! Of course, I was more than upset about it, but I'm trying to look on the positive side of things. At the very least, it helped me prove to myself that I can move on from the best friend and that I can be quite smitten by another when there were times in the past year that I thought I'd die in love with a man that would never love me back.

But I can't help but wonder what happened that changed the way this guy said he felt?

[alli]

Who knows. Some guys just do this... probably some women, too. They like you, and they like you enough to have sex with you, but maybe aren't sure enough to be in a relationship with you. You certainly aren't the first or the last one this has happened to. A good rule of thumb is to not sleep with someone until you are officially "in a relationship". Cuts back on those confusing and hurtful experiences!

[mentee]

he might have been frightened by the possibility of beginning a relationship he isn't ready for .. perhaps thought he was but now feels differently ..

 

 

in the last 6 mos, how frequent was your contact? if it was 2X/3 weeks then nothing's really changed, and you may be expecting the sex to have changed things ... sometimes we may think that once we have sex with a guy, a relationship is the next step (if you're not in one already) ... maybe the guy thinks differently ..

 

have you ever read Mars and Venus on a date? it talks about how dating should be in stages ... 1) attraction 2) uncertainty: period where you get to know each other, date others, feel each other out 3) exclusivity: where you guys know each other well enough to decide to be exclusive 4) intimacy: at this point you are in a relationship where needs are being met .. if you have sex at this stage, it wouldn't be as much of a gamble as if you had sex while casually dating someone .. so you might be at stage 4 right now having stage 4 expectations (he should call you, want to see you all the time, prioritize you, meet your needs, behave like a committed bf) .. and he could be at stage 2, still trying to feel you out .. and the sex doesn't mean anything to him or change his expectations ...

 

my 2 cents

[Batya33]

It sounds like you were fine having casual sex (that is, you weren't exclusive with this guy) and he probably decided for whatever reason that he wasn't interested in more than hanging out and hooking up (he never asked you to be his girlfriend or to be exclusive, right?) - he will probably contact you when he feels like hanging out or hooking up again.

 

That's a risk you take when you have sex without a commitment - there's no serious relationship so if it's just hanging out (what you call "talking" I guess) there's no mutual goal of getting to know each other in the context of a relationship with long term potential. You weren't wrong to hook up or have sex with him -- I just think you thought you could deal with the risk of him not wanting to hook up again and not handling it the way he would if it was an actual romantic/serious relationship. I know you're disappointed but it's also good that now you know that you get emotionally attached through sex.

[pinkrobot]

I went on several dates with a guy once who did nothing but talk about how cool I was and how he could really see himself dating me exclusively, and after we had sex his contact became minimal, and it was only when he was wanting me to go out and drink with him (which he was probably hoping would take us to the bedroom again).

 

Some guys (well, to be fair, women too) can put on a pretty good show, but when it comes down to it they just aren't wanting a relationship from you.