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Am I a bad person?


cyd

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My gf and I had been going out for over 3 years. Despite some rough times along the way (who doesn't have them?) she said yes when I asked her to marry me a month ago.

 

Sounds happy, but we always have the same recurring problem.

 

 

My gf feels that she cannot trust/believe me. It's not because I purposefully lie to her or have cheated on her, but she feels that I let her down and make up excuses.

 

The most recent example was the other day; I just finished my classes for university, and she is working while taking an online class. I told her I was gonna be out until 12AM then I'd go on Skype and talk to her (she lives out of town right now).

 

I went on just lke I said I would, but she wasn't on. So I waited for an hour and thought maybe she went to sleep. She usually sends me an e-mail if she is going to sleep but she didn't - I thought maybe she was just really tired from working on her paper and forgot.

So I went to sleep. I awoke at 2AM to my house phone ringing once and hanging up. I knew that was her - it's her signal to tlel me she wants to talk. I checked my cell phone and had 10 missed calls. I felt really bad for missing the calls (my phone was on silent so I didn't hear them) and went on skype, where she said that it was "too late" and that " wasn't there for her when she needed me. It's too late now." and got upset at me that I wasn't online 10 mins earlier. I told her that I was waiting for her for an hour at the time when we agreed to be on Skype, but she focused on the fact that I wasn't online when she was and therefore I was "unreliable."

 

I profusely apologized and told her I'd help her in the morning. She was being stubborn and didn't message me for awhile. We talked for over an hour about our relationship and how some of my actions in the past make her think that I dont' really care about her (eg. going out w/ friends, then coming back at 1230AM when I told her I'd talk to her at 12AM) and we kinda got into a fight, but then it got resolved. We were both tired, and I told her I'd help her w/ her paper.

 

By the time we got to sleep, it was maybe 5 or 6 in the morning. I Had stayed up all night the night before to finish my own paper which I stresed over - I had spent over 20 hrs awake. therefore, I was tired enough to sleep through my alarm and wake up at maybe 12PM - I was supposed to meet a friend very soon, and I thought it would be too late to tell him to cancel, so we met up for a few drinks, and I got home around 330-4PM.

 

My gf emailed me telling me that her group already started editing the paper, so i didn't really need to help her. But later when she got back from work, she was upset that I went out w/ a friend (which I told her I would do a day or so in advance) and didn't get much work done on the paper I said I'd help her do.

 

Now she says that I "always talk but never do," and that i'm "full of bs." She's saying things like how "she knew we would break up because of this," and that she wnats 'someone who puts her first."

 

I pretty much limit my social life to be with her and her friends.... and she says stuff like that. I understand that some of my actions hurt her, but I also think she is being way too demanding.

 

 

Yet I love her and can't bear to let her go.... what is going on?

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Basically, she's abusing you. Yep.

 

She's insecure, selfish and needy, and making YOU seem like the bad guy when you've done nothing wrong. That's called manipulation.

 

You should be able to sleep at a decent hour, have time and space to do schoolwork, and to see your friends. She doesn't see you as an equal companion, but a loyal little lapdog who should be at her every beck and call and should be punished when he doesn't do things right. And she's got you under her thumb. You've been a loyal little pup for 3 years and when you get married she'll have you forever. Getting married isn't going to change anything.

 

Dump the * * * * * .

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Your not a bad person.

 

Mia of Doom is right, she expects you to be at her beck and call and when your not, its your fault. Never hers.

 

This will more than likely continue even if you are married. Either sit her down and tell her and tell her not to speak until your done. Otherwise work out if you can continue to put up with it.

 

If you agree to meet online, and she doesnt show after you wait an hour - thats her fault. How she can put the blame on you for that is riduclous.

 

How come she emails to tell you some thing? not text or phone call?

 

While you are in a relationship she doesn't seem to get the fact you have and need your own life away from her. It will either stay the same or get worse....

 

if this has been going on for 3 years im suprised you have put up with it.

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Basically, she's abusing you. Yep.

 

She's insecure, selfish and needy, and making YOU seem like the bad guy when you've done nothing wrong. That's called manipulation.

 

You should be able to sleep at a decent hour, have time and space to do schoolwork, and to see your friends. She doesn't see you as an equal companion, but a loyal little lapdog who should be at her every beck and call and should be punished when he doesn't do things right. And she's got you under her thumb. You've been a loyal little pup for 3 years and when you get married she'll have you forever. Getting married isn't going to change anything.

 

Dump the * * * * * .

 

I wouldn't be so quick to be harsh like that. I believe maybe the girl may have some trust issues because of past relationships that have sever her trust in her past boyfriends. You and her should have a good, long talk about her issues. She may have a different side of the story that you may be shocked to hear once it's out in the open.

 

Good luck and congrats on getting married!

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Well she just told me that she can't see us being together anymore, since I evidently "make her cry to sleep 4/7 days a week" due to my "uncaringness."

 

 

I want her to be happy and if seeing someone else will do that, then fine. This isn't the first time we've had an argument like this. But I really really don't know how I can get over possibly losing the only woman I loved this much

 

 

 

EDIT: I should explain a few things:

 

I'm her first serious boyfriend so it's not a trust issue w/ past boyfriends.We broke up once awhile ago. I talked to her about the possibility bc we were both miserable at the time (lots of external factors)and she took it as me giving up on us. She was furious and stormed off. I chased after her for a bit but she threatened to scream and attract attention, so I backed off. I thought maybe she needed time to cool off, so I called her friend (who I knew she was going to go to) and made sure she was ok.

 

She called me back the next day and accused me of not being the first to call back the next day to patch things up. She said that that showed I was "willing to give us up" when in reality I was trying to decide on what to do next. I like to think about what to say before I say it, whereas my gf tends to be quicker and just blurts stuff out. She says it's "really annoying" that I take so long to think of what to say.

 

She emails instaed of calls/texts because where she lives, she has a pay-as-you-go plan and it costs money to call/text since it's long distance.

 

 

And she says that she doesn't change because I always say I will - which is true. But it's hard to change and she hates me for "lying" to her for not changing.

 

 

Am I to blame for disappointing her? Is this a good reason to want to break up?

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She needs attention, 24/7. Her expectations are unreasonable, but not only that, she blames you for everything. What has she done to show that she values you and your relationship? You said she "stormed off" the last time you broke up and waited for you to call to show that you cared. Well, she could easily have called you to show that she cared. You need to take a stand. If she expects you to change (whether or not its sustainable), then you have an equal right to ask her to adjust her behavior. All I'm hearing is "she wants this" and she's given nothing back. No compromise, just giving in. She needs to see that she can't treat you like this anymore. She's basically taking you for granted. If it takes a break up to open her eyes, then so be it. Walk away. Don't chase her again because that'll just encourage her controlling behavior. When she wants to talk, then you can consider saving this relationship.

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She was furious and stormed off. I chased after her for a bit but she threatened to scream and attract attention

 

Is she 5 years old?

 

 

accused me of not being the first to call back the next day to patch things up.

 

That has got to be the most trivial and retarded reason to be angry I've EVER heard.

 

 

She said that that showed I was "willing to give us up" when in reality I was trying to decide on what to do next.

 

Manipulation, again.

 

 

She says it's "really annoying" that I take so long to think of what to say.

 

Manipulation leads to guilt trips.

 

 

Am I to blame for disappointing her? Is this a good reason to want to break up?

 

Nothing you do will make this chick happy. Nothing will ever be good enough. It shouldn't be so difficult just to keep stability in a relationship. You sound like a good, caring guy, but you've also allowed yourself to become a punching bag. She takes everything out on you because she knows you'll take it and stick around. It's time to stand up for yourself. Worry about your own happiness and sanity.

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Wow, Im sorry she treats you this way. To me you seem like an honest and sincere man. She should be lucky to have someone like you for God sakes!!! Honestly, she sounds clingly (wanting you around with her all the time) and a bit of an attention getter (you have to pay attention to her at all times). Like it has to be all about her. If I was in this situation, I would have a firm talk with her and tell her straight up how you feel about how she acts towards you. I sense she has some trust issues as well. I would just reassure her, that she can trust you and has no reason to doubt you.

 

To me none of your actions jusitfy hurting her in anyway, you had your phone on silent so you can get sleep that isn't being selfish most people would, you waited for her online at the exact time you stated, not your fault she wasn't on then, thats on her, what she expects you to wait for her all night? Ha, I don't think so. I don't see you doing anything wrong, its her and her insecurities! Good luck. I hope you guys can talk this out.

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Basically, she's abusing you. Yep.

 

She's insecure, selfish and needy, and making YOU seem like the bad guy when you've done nothing wrong. That's called manipulation.

 

You should be able to sleep at a decent hour, have time and space to do schoolwork, and to see your friends. She doesn't see you as an equal companion, but a loyal little lapdog who should be at her every beck and call and should be punished when he doesn't do things right. And she's got you under her thumb. You've been a loyal little pup for 3 years and when you get married she'll have you forever. Getting married isn't going to change anything.

 

Dump the * * * * * .

 

Couldn't agree more! And NO Cyd your NOT a bad person!!

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What the fck? Is she 5 years old?

 

 

 

 

That has got to be the most trivial and retarded reason to be angry I've EVER heard.

 

 

 

 

Manipulation, again.

 

 

 

 

Manipulation leads to guilt trips.

 

 

 

 

Nothing you do will make this chick happy. Nothing will ever be good enough. It shouldn't be so difficult just to keep stability in a relationship. You sound like a good, caring guy, but you've also allowed yourself to become a punching bag. She takes everything out on you because she knows you'll take it and stick around. It's time to stand up for yourself. Worry about your own happiness and sanity.

 

 

I love Mia's advice. Its great advice. Harsh but true You deserve better Cyd, there is a girl out there for you who will treat you right!!!! There are tons of women who are looking for a guy who is as nice as are you!!! Enjoy the single life and your time without a gf and focus on you and what you need to do in life!!!!!

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Quit making excuses for her insecurity...you seem like a wonderful bf...she is the one who is insecure, clingy, impatient, selfish, needy...you are not a puppy that needs house training.

 

She needs to learn that people are not allowed to control another person's life or actions...she needs to be more understanding..also seems like you guys have a big communication problem...sorry to say, but she needs to grow up !

 

P.S. she doesn't not own you...you are your own person...the sooner she realizes this the better off she will be...and this whole thing with her acting out when you go after her is just childish...what if she got you put in jail or someone interfered and you got hurt over some of her very immature stupid actions?

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She manipulates you and you fall right into her trap. People that do this will never change. She will be the same miserable, nagging person even through marriage. It will bring you to the point of insanity if you stay with her. I can't believe you've even stayed as long as you have.

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I think you need to put your foot down here and not take this kind of rubbish. Don't appologise for things that are not your fault. It was good enough for you to wait for an hour for her to come online, couldn't have needed you that badly otherwise she would have been there. I think she is just nitpicking at things and there is no justification for it.

 

She seems very needy. Why should you even have to be online at that time after you have been out with friends? Surely it should be acceptable to send a simple text that you had got in and were going to bed instead of having to talk for god knows how long.

 

And her moaning about you going out with friends when she is working anyway? It's not fair to you and you need to sort this out now before it gets to a point where you are scared to do anything at all in fear of upsetting her.

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You are definitely not a bad person and I can see that you are just trying to make things work.

 

The only thing I can think of is looking at yourself. Is it possible that at the beginning of the relationship you DID do some not so great things and then make excuses? If so, she may just be a little jaded and feels she can't trust you anymore, causing her to scrutinize your every move. Even the small things. I have seen this happen before. A boyfriend constantly making excuses, even over small things, begins to sound insincere.

 

If that's not the case, then I would just assume she is insecure. Maybe she is scared of losing you and it's a type of defense mechanism. It doesn't make it right though.

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You're not a bad person at all! This girl is more than just insecure; I agree completely with Mia, she's totally manipulating you. Being married to her would be hell - she would be the ultimate nagging wife!

 

You have every right to hang out with your friends and do as you want. To expect your man to be there at any time when you "need" him is unreasonable. All I see here is "she wants", and there's absolutely nothing she's willing to do to change.

 

I say cut the cord, it's over. For your sanity!

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You are not a bad person! Your gf is being extremely demanding. She is concentrating on the negative and not the positive. Does she expect you to sit on the comp all day! Seriously though, she is not treating you with the respect you deserve, she is treating you like a doormat.

 

And whatever you do, do not give up your friends!!! They will always be there for you when she is not. You need to confront her, tell her you are fed up being treated like a child. Good Luck

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A late update:

 

We talked in person (she came for the long weekend to visit me and some friends) and went over the things that were irritating each other. She didn't seem to want to listen at first, but eventually I think what I told her about me not wanting to feel like a prisoner in our relationship sunk in.

 

Because we mainly communicate through Skype, it's not that easy to distinguish ppl's emotions. She interpreted my not responding and one-word answers as me not really caring/not being fazed by her, when in reality I was pretty choked up.

 

To make a long-ish story short, when we were together off-line, things are great. We never had a fight or even a slight argument the whole weekend, despite having the talk. But we both agreed that the medium of communication we were using didn't help our relationship one bit. We worked out a communication plan and it's working out pretty well.

 

Of course, it'll take time for her to adjust herself to not being overly clingy/stubborn for our sake, but I am patient and forgiving (maybe too much so....).

 

And as a reply to some of you: I really, truly, honestly don't believe that she's in it just to manipulate me. She does love me... I know she does. But she does have a controlling/stubborn side, which I think she learned from her parents (esp her father who is very much like that) as a way of dealing with people. Perhaps this situation that I outlined in my OP painted her to be some terrible person, but she's not.

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