NewtoDating Posted April 5, 2009 Share Posted April 5, 2009 Alright so here is my dilema and I know this makes me a * * * * ty person. I met this girl online and she looked cute in her profile. We hit it off and talked every night for a couple of months. When we finally met, I was disappointed to find she looked kinda homely. As I have gotten to know her more, I realized she just isn't quite the kind of person that I would be attracted to, even if there was a physical connection. We have been on 3 dates, because I really struggled to accept that I could not be attracted to her given she seemed pretty cool. I think she is really into me and given the length of time we have been communication, how do I break this news to her? Does it have to be over the phone, or is an email too impersonal? I am 22, and she is the second girl I have gone on a date with since the end of a 6 yr relationship, 7 months ago. Further to this question as I date more, I'd like to get a girl opinion on what the protocol is for not going on second, third or fourth dates. I guess I don't like letting people down. Link to comment
aldridal Posted April 5, 2009 Share Posted April 5, 2009 Dude, I am the EXACT SAME WAY. Ended a 6 year relationship exactly 7 months ago, and have been chatting with a girl for a while only to find out that even though she's really nice and cool, I'm just not attracted to her. It's not that she's ugly or anything, it's just something isn't clicking the way I think it should. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted April 5, 2009 Share Posted April 5, 2009 Don't go on another date with her. After three dates, I think it's acceptable to tell her over the phone that although she's a great girl you'd like to just stay friends. No need to feel guilty, just tell her soon so she can move on. Link to comment
WorkingInLin Posted April 5, 2009 Share Posted April 5, 2009 Just tell her that you feel it would be better if you just stayed friends. I think she will get the message. Link to comment
xxYoure My Butterflyxx Posted April 5, 2009 Share Posted April 5, 2009 I don't understand what you mean by "She looked kinda homely"...What does that mean? Link to comment
WorkingInLin Posted April 5, 2009 Share Posted April 5, 2009 ^^ Homely...plain looking. I think he was just saying that he didn't feel attracted to her. Link to comment
xxYoure My Butterflyxx Posted April 5, 2009 Share Posted April 5, 2009 Oh I see, thanks for the clarification In that case, don't lead her on and keep talking to her, or going on anymore dates. Let her go. Link to comment
enchanted771 Posted April 5, 2009 Share Posted April 5, 2009 Some people just dont have chemistry with each other. just be honest with her. Link to comment
Clarity Posted April 5, 2009 Share Posted April 5, 2009 This is a common first mistake when online dating (that I've made too) - don't talk so long online before meeting up. Meet up as soon as you're both willing to, because otherwise you'll form a connection that isn't real, but still hurts to sever. In my opinion, online dating is just a way to meet people to date in real life. If you met someone at a bar or in public and got their contact info, you wouldn't talk to them online everyday for a month - that's silly! Some girls I have talked to for maybe 3 or 4 days before meeting up - I think this is ideal. If there is no connection, no hard feelings because you haven't known each other very long, but at the same time, when you meet, you have a lot to talk about since you haven't been in constant contact for a long time. I try to keep my contact with a girl less than 2 weeks before we meet up. If it goes longer than that, there should be a really good reason. I also feel bad when I have a good rapport with a girl I met online and then there is not enough attraction when we meet in person - however, that is part of the process and it is necessary. Nothing to be ashamed, but still, for us nice people, it never feels good if we know the other person is into us. Always try to be as gracious as possible in your exit. After 1 date, I don't feel obliged to send anything more than a short message, but after more than 1 date, I would do it over the phone. More than a few dates, and I would do it in person. 3 dates should be okay over the phone. It sounds like you knew pretty fast that you were not physically attracted to this girl. Ideally you should have ended it after the 1st date. A second date is understandable, because you're a nice guy and you were hoping the attraction would build, but by the 3rd date, I'm sure you knew you weren't into it. In the future, try to ask these critical question earlier on - could I see myself dating this girl, being physical with her, etc. Link to comment
NewtoDating Posted April 5, 2009 Author Share Posted April 5, 2009 Thanks for the advice on online dating. I will keep that in mind. Btw, by homely, I meant she was fairly plain, not ugly, but not attractive by any means. Link to comment
Ammy Posted April 5, 2009 Share Posted April 5, 2009 I personally would prefer the email let down... but I know others will say its kinder over the phone. To me, over the phone, I have to react / respond.. whereas over email I can digest it slowly on my own, and never have to talk to the guy again if I don't feel like it.. Up to you though. Whatever feels comfortable. Ammy Link to comment
yuki Posted April 5, 2009 Share Posted April 5, 2009 More than a few dates, and I would do it in person. 3 dates should be okay over the phone. I used to feel the same way, i.e., end it in person if I went on more than a few dates with the person. I thought that was a respectful thing to do. But then I had a post about it here, i.e., how to end it after 6 dates, and an overwhelming majority of people advised to end it over the phone for the other person's sake and said that they would rather deal with the rejection over the phone than in person... Link to comment
Clarity Posted April 5, 2009 Share Posted April 5, 2009 I used to feel the same way, i.e., end it in person if I went on more than a few dates with the person. I thought that was a respectful thing to do. But then I had a post about it here, i.e., how to end it after 6 dates, and an overwhelming majority of people advised to end it over the phone for the other person's sake and said that they would rather deal with the rejection over the phone than in person... Yeah, it's definitely on a case-by-case basis - there is no easy rule that can be applied. Once I have had to do the in-person thing (had been seeing each other for about a month, maybe 6+ dates) and although it was not easy (she started crying!), it was the right thing to do. Link to comment
NewtoDating Posted April 5, 2009 Author Share Posted April 5, 2009 Keeping the discussion going...I have a few more things. Should you do these kinds of things immediately after the date. Should you soften the blow, my letting her know its coming, perhaps not replying to a text, or pushing back/ off a date, or is it best just to be forthright and get it over with. If it helps to give some context, I was thinking the other day that I would like to be able to say I dealt fairly with everyone in life. Not that I was a nice guy, but fair and in this situation and others I may encounter like it, I don't know what fair is. Link to comment
Clarity Posted April 5, 2009 Share Posted April 5, 2009 I'm a fan of doing it soon - prolonging the situation just makes it more agonizing for the other person. Link to comment
Ammy Posted April 6, 2009 Share Posted April 6, 2009 Do it now, you have made your decision so just get it over with. If you prolong it by "softening the blow" you actually just give the other person a few more days of overanalysis and mind torture.. lol... If it were me, I'd be thinking "why didn't he reply? does he like me still? what did I do?" and I'd be driving myself crazy trying to find the logic in it... So yeah just cut to the chase and tell her. Ammy Link to comment
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