Please help me.

[markm]

This might be a bit long but I'll make it wasy to folllow.

I've dated Karen for 1 year.

She is a travel nurse that I met here in Arizona.

I met her after a bad breakup with someone else.

Karen really liked me but I was hung up on the old girl.

We dated but there was no "fire", but she had really strong feelings for me.

I once broke it off, and she came right back.

She is such a great girl I could never say no.

In a 4 month period I think we slept together twice because I didn't have feelings for her and I don't sleep around.

She is the same way, but had feelings for me and was very frusturated with this.

She extended her stay in AZ for a couple of months but then had an opportunity to work in Hawaii for 3 months.

She wanted to know if I wanted her to stay.

I did, but I wasn't in love and didn't want her to make life/career decisions based on my feelings.

So she goes to Hawaii.

She calls me all the time and I hate the phone.

Her Cell phone from Hawaii to my cell phone in AZ was terrible for reception and was aggravating to the point that I hated talking to her.

I go to Hawaii to see her, but wasn't all that excited to see her.

Then I see her at the airport! WOW! I was in LOVE!

I had to have her and couldn't keep my hands off her.

We made love every night, but I still didn't tell her I loved her.

When I left she was crying.

2 months go by with the usuall phone calls ususally made by her.

I met someone and told her about it.

But I ended the relationship because I couldn't get my mind off of Karen.

I always new I would regret losing Karen and could always see us married one day for some reason.

Now, I was in Arizona and was holding on to her car and all her belongings for her while she was in Hawaii.

Now she signed up to work in Colorado.

She was coming back to get some of her stuff and go back home to Wisconsin for a week to see her family and then come back for a week to stay with me.

I was going to drive her to Colorado.

When she came for that week I new I loved her and I made sure she was OK for Colorado.

I wanted her to stay but didn't tell her.

I drove her to Colorado but had to come right back because of a new job.

She would call me and ask when I could come see her and I didn't have any time to go.

After a couple of weeks I tell her I want to come up for Valentines day but she says the has to work and so did I.

So on Feb 5th she sends me a list of days I can come see her, but my schedule was not good.

V day comes and she says that some guy she works with asks her to come over for dinner after work. She tells me not to worry but I was angry, and didn't call her on VDay but she calls me.

My Birthday comes on Feb 20th and she calls me to wish a Happy Birthday.

I really wanted to see her but was upset (had a house guest at the time that was stressing me out)

She said she was skiing and I was pissed cause she didn't come see me and I felt like there was some guy.

So I yelled at her pretty badly. I appologized deeply about it.

That night on my B-day she breaks it off.

I tell her that I Love her for the first time, and I do.

I tell her that I always imagined us married and all that stuff.

I also told her that we need to take the chance and she should make her next assignment in Arizona so we can see where it takes us.

She mentioned going to Seattle next and I said I wanted her to come here first.

Few days go by, we still talk but she tells me she is involved with someone, and now she extended her contract in Colorado for another month. She was pretty firm with me.

Few days later she calls and I tell her how I am having fun and meeting new friends and then I ended the call short.

She calls back in a panic! She is confused and says she's not really into this guy and now she knows i have these feelings, etc.

I tell her that I've already told her what I wanted and how I felt and wasn't going to torture myself anymore and was moving on.

She starts to cry and tells me she has feelings for me and she has none for this guy even though she likes him, and then she made fun of his scrawny body. LOL.

We email eachother the next day over and over.

I sent her some new pics of me and she replied back that she misses me even more and wanted to give me a big fat hug! (YES!)

That night she calls me and I cave and made goofy talk about her wanting to see me.

Well, it didn't take and she said she was going skiing for a couple of days with some friends.

Back to square one. Ugh!

She's driving back from the ski mountain (1.5 hour drive) and she calls me and we talk almost the whole time light heartedly.

She is coming here May 2nd to hike the Grand Canyon and asked if she could stay with me. Hell yes!

I said of course! you dont have to ask.

She said well you might be involved with someone at that time.

I said no, I am not looking for anyone at all.

Now I find out I'm going to Italy in September.

I email her more pictures of me and a supid joke.

After the joke I wrote in the email "God I'm an idiot" to be funny.

She replies, yeah you are an idiot.

No reply about the pictures this time.

I send her an email about Italy by saying I as a great surprise, blah blah.

She replies, "what is it? are you pregnant? no your going to italy?"

She already new cause she invited my cousin to come skiing and he told her.

 

Well that's it, it's been 3 days with no phone call (that's a first!)

and Emails are now short, and less frequent.

I want to fly there to see her but she hasn't said that I could.

The whole problem was me not telling her how I felt and not being there.

She has feelings for me but I feel that they are fading and she is meeting new people and she might go to Seattle and that would be the end of it.

What do I do now????? I'm dying inside. I Love her and I would die for her.

I have never felt this way.

[markm]

I just called and left a light hearted friendly message saying hi and to call me when she gets the message.

I feel the no contact rule is bad for me.

She is far away and meeting new friends.

Even though she said shes not into this new guy there could be others.

I KNOW that if we could see eachother in person that it would make all the difference. It always did in the past.

I want to ask if I can fly up and see her, but I am terrified that she will see no.

[Princess777]

OK well first let me say what all this sounds like to me (obviously I don't know her or you but I got very strong feelings from what you're writing) and then I'll tell you what I would do.

 

It sounds to me like she got tired of waiting on you and she thinks you're still playing games, and she's obviously tired of the game. She sounds like she's intelligent and knows what she wants, and is not afraid to tell anyone, and is not afraid of love. She sounds goal oriented and successful. Now, as for you, I hate to say this, correct me if I'm wrong, but you sound like somewhat of a player, at least you were early in the relationship, and if not, I would have perceived you as such, and maybe that's why she has the attitude she has now. There comes a time when the game gets too tiring, especially if you're ready to settle down. It seems downright silly and childish when one really wants to just have an honest, open relationship. I understand that you say you didn't really love her in the beginning but it sounds to me more like you think you love her, and that you're really that sure of it....it appears that you might miss the idea of having the chance to be with her, and that you know she has or had great feelings for you, and the loss of that devastated your ego. I really don't know how you truly feel, of course, only you do..... but I can only give advice based upon your actions, which actually don't say much to me. You visited her once but you even said you weren't that thrilled. I guess it's hard for me to imagine just finally figuring out that you love someone..... it's different for everyone but usually there's an initial click, a chemistry that cannot be denied and it's either there or it isn't. It's almost like you're forcing it to be there, for fear that you won't get the chance again, and almost like you feel like you need to be the one in control of this relationship.... you didn't seem to care when she kept calling but then when the calls stopped all of a sudden you care? Hmmm..... I suggest you do a lot of soul searching, leave this girl alone for awhile and figure out what YOU really want before trying to figure out anything else about her.... She made her feelings clear up front and you didn't.... sorry but you blew it! (Female perspective of course!!!!) Good luck Guy!!!! Please don't take any of this the wrong way.... I'm trying to help, really.

[markm]

Well you hit the nail on the head pretty much. wow.

I do have to say that I do Love her.

Now when I saw her when I visited Hawaii I was blown away and realized how much I loved her.

Yes, I only visited once but jeez Hawaii is not some place I can go to all the time.

Colorado is a different story. I can go there every week.

Only 1 hour trip.

I blew it? Not sure about that just yet.

If we saw eachother she would cave, trust me. And so would I.

She is just occupied with new interests (friends, skiing etc)

But the snow is gonna melt and the new friends are gonna leave.

But I'll still be here!!!

All I want is to see her and see what we can accomplish.

I believe our relationship is worth it.

All she has to do is let me fly up for a couple of days.

[Princess777]

You seem pretty confident..... which can be good, it's attractive to most women. However, be careful. She may have just had it with you and your playing around with her feelings. Believe me, with this type of woman (smart, intelligent) she may just blow you off now, now that she's figured out she deserves better. If she's as great as you really think, why would you think she couldn't find someone else who would treat her better than you did? Yes, your ego is very big..... which can be either your best friend or your worst enemy. I suggest if you really feel you love her, to swallow your pride and spill your guts, so to speak. You have to admit, you do owe it to her,,,,, after all she chased you for so long only to be shunned. I understand that Hawaii is a ways away..... that is true and you did well to go see her. However, you seemed annoyed at her calls and she got that message, believe me.... she most likely feels stupid about now, that she let you get away with treating her the way you did.... you can save face by admitting you strung her along for so long but that you just weren't ready for a serious relationship yet, but now you are, you've realized that you let a wonderful woman slip through your fingers and that you want to do anything you can to make it right...., etc., etc., yada yada yada.

 

I hope you can understand that if you were to put yourself in her shoes, how you would feel. I know it's very difficult for most men to understand that once you realize you've been a fool for someone's love, you build up that brick wall to keep them out so fast... and it's stronger than ever.... at least I do. It will take time for you to regain her trust, that's for sure, (with her heart). After all, look at all the times where you could have seen her if you truly wanted to and just put other things in life ahead of her. Actions always speak louder than words.

 

I wish you luck though, I just hope your heart is in the right place and you're sure of it before you say or do something that might hurt her again later. Think long and hard first, please.

 

Good luck Guy.

[Athena]

I agree with Princess 100%.

 

I think your arrogance about her being there when ever it is that you feel like you want her to be, is going to come back and bite you, I think you've got the wrong girl for that.

 

I think your back and forth "do I love her or not" is immature, rude and disrespectful.

 

I think you should leave her alone and go find someone who is happy to play childish relationship games.

 

It's people like you that these boards even have to exist for.

 

-A

[markm]

Hey now.

I was ALWAYS honest with her and treated her with absolute respect.

I never tricked her into thinking I loved her just to sleep with her or anything like that ever!

I as ALWAYS up front with her and always took care of her and cared more deeply for her than anyone else in my life.

The fact that I wasn't in love with her was alway killing me.

Well I am in Love with her. It just took some time for me.

I never made her think I felt any way about her that was not honest.

I was always there for her no matter what!

It was a lot of pressure for me too!

I was given an ultimatum: Should she go to Hawaii or stay in Arizona.

jeez, I wanted her to stay but I could make her stay based my selfish needs, so I told her it would be awful for me to ask her to make a career decision based on my feelings.

Well, I love this girl. I didn't make any mistakes.

It was just bad timing.

[A]

here's what i think u must do,GO TO HER don't do the same mistake twice,just go there without telling her..without giving her the chance to think about her ego&tells u NO,this time tell her u couldn't take it anymore,u want her &she wants you, tell her that u love her,show her that u r fighting this idea of losing her.for the first time DO something that puts her on solid ground.

[markm]

Now that's exactly what I want to do!!!!

I talked to my folks about this and they say that would be the worst thing I could do. (im 29 but still close to my parents)

They say this would just kill everything.

Probably freak her out and piss her off.

I kind of agree but still think like you do.

I feel damned if I do, and damned if I don't.

[A]

i don't think that u would freak her out,u r simply going to prove your love for her with action...no more uncertain words..no more hesitation,try to be as nice as u can & always remember that u r both victims of your hesitation.. don't threaten of leaving if she want more time to think,because even if she is deeply in love with u she might not throw herself into your arms...but trust me,if she loves you...she'll be yours after u show her complete devotion. iam sorry to tell u that it's your turn to wait for her love. i know it wont be that easy for u to do this ,but i think that this is the only way that u can know for sure if u both r meant to be together or not.

[Out to sea]

Am I think that at this point action is the only coarse to take, however about what to do when you get up there is important.

 

I wouldn't land up there and knock at her door, I would book in somewhere then call her and tell her you are going to be there for x days, that you really want to see her etc etc and let her come to you. This way you are avoiding the confrontation that might occur if you land at her door.

Also it will give her a chance to think about the effort you have made to see her. I think she will not be able to stop herself from seeing you( unless of coarse you really have messed it up, and she has met someone else).

 

If she meets you , well you have your opportunity to make it up to her, and if she doesn't meet you, well you'll know for sure that you missed your chance and at least she'll know you really did make the effort.

 

However, I would think long and hard Mark before doing any of it, if you don't think you are sure of your feelings then don't put her through it.

Often we only miss what we cannot have and remember you did do alot of 'ah I'm not that pushed' when you had her. So be very very honest first.

 

Good luck Buddy.

[markm]

Well my folks are dead against it.

They say that it will show her disrespect and would ruin anything we have left.

They just say I should call her from time to time and be caring and jst be there for her.

They say I should ONLY go if she gives the OK.

[Out to sea]

Am, do your folks know how you have treated this girl since you met her ie. being very casual while she did all the chasing? You know the way some Mom's and Dads see there offspring through rose tinted glasses, naturally!!!

 

Also,your folks worry about you and may not want you to risk going up there only to be rejected, however, you know this girl much better than I do, would she take offence to you heading up there?Or would she think that at least you made the effort? Did she tell you not to travel up there?

 

You will have to decide but remember on this site people including myself have given advice to people as regards No Contact. However in this case I do feel that, that may not be best course of action. As in 'Faint heart never won Fair Lady'

 

If she has already decided that she is moving on, then I would be more worried about the trip, however if she is still ' confused' or that this trouble has only happened quite recently then definitely consider it.

 

No guarentee's mind you!

Good luck with whatever you decide.

[markm]

Well I called her today and It's over.

We had a nice conversation in the beginning and then

I heard someone's voice in the background.

I asked if that was Andrew (a new guy she saw a couple of times).

She said yes.

Well, I died inside.

I wanted to know if they were sleeping together and she didn't want to talk about it. She always hated talking about sex.

I told her that I wanted her to be safe and use protection and she said she would. We never did.

This guy leaves to go home in about a month.

He is a traveling nurse too.

She is not one to sleep around that is for sure.

I remember she had me stay the night and wouldn't sleep with me too.

Shes a real cuddler.

I asked if I could fly up and she said NO.

I'm in hell.

I never lost my cool with her on the phone, but sounded nervous when we talked about that guy sleeping over.

She didn't want to talk anymore.

I called her back 20 mins later and left her a message in a solid confident voice saying that that news took me by surprise but I was OK.

I also said that she was my best friend and that I didn't want her to shut me out and I'll take to her later.

[Princess777]

markm,

 

I will write more later but I am sorry this happened and I hope you learned something from this. Everything happens for a reason so everything will be okay... I think your loss of control of this relationship bothers you more than actually losing her (again, not trying to be mean, just observing)..... you almost sounded like her father, the way you talked to her...... it's strange, moreso than a boyfriend or a lover. Why don't you think about that for awhile and I'll get back to you on this later..... hang in there.

[Athena]

Mark,

I am so sorry for what has happen. As I was reading your last post, my eyes were tearing.

 

Take some time to collect your thoughts and take care of you. There's lots of people here who are of great support if you feel you need some.

 

 

-A

[markm]

Thanks everyone.

I am pretty messed up right now, but I'll be OK.

I will not lose control or my diginity.

I refuse.

She has made her choice.

I regret nothing, I was always honest with her and she knows she could always count on me. I can live with that.

I'm not gonna destroy myself over this.

I want this to work out more than anything in the world but it's up to her now.

If she wants to save the relationship she will have to come here and see me.

I will not be second choice to some new guy.

I am disappointed in her.

She hopped into bed with this guy pretty quick, I don't do that.

She said she started with the guy cause she was under the impression we were over but this was news to me.

We called each other all the time and I kept trying to go see her before all this. So her reasoning is not logical.

The ball is in her court now.

[GeeCee]

Good luck to you Mark.

 

G xx

[kathyk]

what made you decide that you loved her after all??? i have a problem that maybe since you are on the other side you can help me. di you guys ever say mean things to each other? how long did it take you to realize that you loved her after she was gone? was it when you thought she was with another guy or when she didn't call anymore?

 

my exs parents get into his life also. i know they mean well but you need to make your own decisions. they are not the ones that are gonna be there when you need someone to hold you at night, love you, be with you on a one on one basis. how much did your parents not want you to be with her? i have many questions. please be patient with me.

 

thanks kathyk

[markm]

I feel like I have always loved her.

I just never told her.

I always said that I wanted to but couldn't just yet.

My feelings are stronger now of course since I have lost her.

That is normal.

She started out as a girl I was dating.

Then she became my friend.

Then she became my best friend and I love her deeply.

Even though she was always far away, I felt she was close to me.

Now I feel so alone.

I think I got in the habit of holding my feelings back from her for some stupid reason.

I was also comforted cause I always new she was there.

I had such a spark with my previous gf, but she was a bad seed.

Karen is so great but I didn't feel that same excitment with her right away.

So many little petty things bothered me about her at first, but that went away.

I am kicking myself for this.

Sometimes you just don't know what you got unitl it's gone.

My parents loved her, especially Mom.

She is so sweet.

I feel she is irreplaceable.

No, we never said mean things to eachother ever.

I am just such a wreck.

I told her yesterday morning that I can't go on like this anymore and I have to break contact with her. I told her I wasn't gonna call or email her anymore. That was so hard to say.

She said that she's gonna want to talk to me in few days.

I said Ok, I'm always here for you and my feelings are the same but I need to move on.

She told me not to jump into anything.

She emailed me that night saying she was sorry she hurt me and only time will help her out. She said I could call or email her if I needed.

Well, I won't. But god I want to.

Sounds like she doesn't want to let go completely just yet.

But jeez, I never slept with anyone else or even kissed someone.

Now she is sleeping with him.

I want her back, but wouldn't I be a sap?

Before I told her how I felt and how I loved her and wanted to see her,

she hadn't slept with him yet.

Now, after I tell her all this she goes ahead and does 3 days later.

What the hell is that? I feel that was mean and disrepectful to my feelings.

I never did that to her.

I keep imagining her with him and him having sex with her and I just can't handle it.

I see georgeous women all around here, but I only want her.

I'm so depressed, I can't sleep or eat.

I hate this so much.

[kathyk]

you have to remember to that she felt you were not seriuos with her. if she chased you as much as she did and kept hitting a brick wall. it shouldn't make any difference to you if she had slept with someone else. if you love her wait and see what she wants to talk to you about. maybe she is trying to think of what to do? what if she calls to tell you she wants you? you better get straight so you can be a man and stand up for what you want. you are gonna have to show her you want her. be strong. listen to the site. quit feeling so bad. you havbe to remember when you were pushing her away she wanted you. think.

 

you have to be happy and show her who you are. don't think about what anyone else questions. your parents don't know all the story. they don't need to know all the story. what makes you happy? are you willing to marry her and be with her? or do you just want her because someone else has her?

 

why didn't you tell her you loved her? just give it some time. maybe she needed this guy to make her see there is nothing wrong with her beccause you rejected her. there are so many things that could happen. you have to get out of the depressed state no matter what. live goes on. just look at the people around you if you don't believe me. they are laughing, talking and living. you are young. look at me i am 43 yrs old i am the one that should be depressed. i am afraid also that i will never find love again. the man i love i made him leave. i miss him and can not even call him. i can't go see him. you should be happy at least you have her still to talk to. not trying to be mean but think and see if she calls with news for you. she wants to talk so listen. ask beec if he has anything he can help you with.he can coach you on what to say. ask anyone. i can't help with words because i will be asking them for help maybe in a month when he calls me. i know he will.

[markm]

So should I stick to not calling her?

Or will that make her think I don't care anymore?

I've told her how a feel over and over.

Is this no contact thing for me?

[GeeCee]

Damnit Mark - not sure this no-contact this no-contact thing is for any of us!!!

 

You have told her how you feel.

 

She knows how you feel.

 

She has started seeing someone else.

 

She now has to decide, for herself, what she wants to do.

 

This is hard, damned hard for you. You have to give her some time. Some space, do not try and control her.

 

Allow her time to make her call. It hurts. In the meantime, prepare yourself for if she does come back. And if she doesn't, you might find that you are a better person for all that has happened.

 

Good luck.

 

G xx

[markm]

God, it's 6:00am Sat. I can't sleep and I'm gonna hyper ventalate in a minute.

So don't go?

What if she just forgets about me?

What if I should go up there even though she says not too?

What do I do?

[markm]

What if she doesn't believe my feelings?

If I went there I could show her how I feel.