Rough break up...

[bigtires]

So ive been reading these boards for a few months now and for awhile it helped to just read and not post, but i really feel like i don't have anybody to talk to about this anymore so i figured i would post my story here.

 

My x girlfriend and i are still in college, we dated for 2 years. Lived together this past summer without a single hick up. In two years we never fought, if something came up we sat and figured it out. Right before Christmas she sent me a text message telling me that "we were in a rut" and that we had to fix it. She suggested just more spontaneous stuff. That night she kissed another guy while out. She cried to me the next morning about how it meant absolutely nothing and it made her realize how much she loved me. Basically a load of crap. She kept talking to the kid and the following weekend she wouldn't let me go out with her to a party. So its about 2am and i am walking back to the dorm and she is making out with him in the backseat of his car. I knocked on the window, waved and walked away. This blew me away...it absolutely crushed me. I was her first boyfriend and i didn't think she was this kind of girl...AT ALL.

 

So the semester ended and she came over my house to talk about everything and she broke up with me. I took it really hard, i couldn't sleep in my bed, i couldn't eat at all, i started dipping heavily...i was just a mess. She still wanted to talk to me everyday and i always questioned what she was doing, who she was with...all this stuff, because i knew she broke up with me for this kid. We spent Christmas, new years and our anniversary apart. These are all really special parts of our relationship so i had gotten her a gift for each one. After all this time she is still hanging out with the kid, but insists on telling me she loves me. She says it everyday. I try and tell her we are over because of this kid and she says we are meant to be together and that its fate. Worst of all, she called me one afternoon when i was trying to ignore her to tell me she imagined us getting married, having a couple kids, a dog...she said she knew id be an amazing father.

 

I just don't understand why she still talks to me? whats my purpose? how can she do this to somebody she loves? And the worst part...i know i did nothing to deserve this. I don't want to brag or anything but, i treated this girl like a queen. After like 6 months i told her i loved her and from that day on i honestly made sure to show her ever single day that i loved her. Whether it was something small like getting her a coffee and writing a little note to go with it or buying her her favorite flowers for no reason at all. i ALWAYS put her first, she always seemed so happy and i never thought she needed a reason to go find somebody else. It's just that everyday something else happens and it kills me, i want to transfer schools, or drop out...something. Seeing her everyday is so rough, she smiles and calls me baby. awful. I need help/advice/anything. I've honestly lost any strength i had left.

[odile]

 

 

Sorry that you're going through this.

(BTW, it's really hard to read your story without there being breaks in between the paragraphs)

 

You gave your heart to a girl who doesn't deserve it.

She had her chance, and now you need to stop giving her chances.

 

From what I can tell, it's time for you to cut contact with this girl.

 

How much contact do you regularly have?

If you are still close, you might want to send her an email that just lets her know that you need some space to get your head together,

and that trying to be friends at the moment is causing you pain.

 

From there on out, maintain that space for your own sanity.

If you accidentally cross paths, and can muster a smile and a nod, then that's more than enough.

Otherwise, ignore, ignore, ignore.

 

It's heartbreak, but you will survive.

Don't quit school and ruin your life over this.

 

*HUG*

[bigtires]

Yeah its just so hard because she lives down the hall from me, we have class at the same time in the same...VERY small building. we both work for the athletic department. She won't really talk to me during the weekend b/c the other guy is around and she doesn't think of me, but if he isnt around she won't stop.

 

this is really painful and its been almost 6 months and i cant shake this.

[odile]

Yeah its just so hard because she lives down the hall from me, we have class at the same time in the same...VERY small building. we both work for the athletic department. She won't really talk to me during the weekend b/c the other guy is around and she doesn't think of me, but if he isnt around she won't stop.

 

this is really painful and its been almost 6 months and i cant shake this.

 

Ugh, she sounds like a phony, and like she's really toying with you.

 

I can see why it's hurting you.

It might be helpful to send her that email, just so that she's clear on backing off a bit.

Try to keep it short and sweet.

 

Example (content-wise, this message probably says enough, but there might be a better way to say it...

Let's see what anyone else on the forum suggest):

 

"Now that we're no longer in a relationship, I'd really like some space to clear my head.

This is very difficult to do given the amount of contact we're having at the moment.

Further, you are in a new relationship, and in light of this, some of the attention that you have been giving me (calling me "baby, etc). makes me additionally uncomfortable.

I still consider you a friend, but for the time being, please respect my need for a bit of distance."

 

Some suggestions:

*Is there anyway that you can just walk different routes to class?

*Keep your nose on your work when she passes by.

*If you make eye-contact, a brief nod should do it.

*Keep any other contact limited to school-related matters

(e.g., in-class discussions, or athletic dept. meetings)

*Make plans with other friends so that you're less inclined to worry about what she is/isn't doing.

*Study at the library rather than at the dorms.

 

Hold your head high.

You can get through this.

...and there are far nicer girls than this one.

[bigtires]

i really think that email is a great idea.

I think the worst part is she gets jealous that i have been trying to move on with my life by hanging out with other girls. Obviously getting into a new relationship would be really unhealthy, but the company really helps.

 

I started dating this beautiful girl, amazing person...really smart and funny...like perfect for me. So i stopped talking to the x for a few weeks and she found out about my new girl, so she told me she wanted to fix our relationship. We came to an agreement that it would take A LOT of work and that we would both have to lose the person we were dating. So i basically told the new girl everything and she was rightfully pissed with me and told me she didn't want to talk to me at all anymore. However my x did not hold up to her end of the agreement. I feel like she just did it because she didn't want to see me move on.

 

I was working a game today and she was there...i didn't say a word to her or even look at her and i was okay with it. I take all the pictures for the athletic department so i am always moving around so its not like we have to stand beside each other or anything, so that helps. But i had to leave at half time because her new guy came and they were standing there flirting...basically just rubbing it in my face. Both my bosses know the situation so they are really understanding, so they knew why i had to leave.

[catfeeder]

Yeah its just so hard because she lives down the hall from me, we have class at the same time in the same...VERY small building. we both work for the athletic department. She won't really talk to me during the weekend b/c the other guy is around and she doesn't think of me, but if he isnt around she won't stop.

 

this is really painful and its been almost 6 months and i cant shake this.

 

You can't shake it because you won't go NC. I understand you'll still need to bump into her now and then, so just wave kindly and walk on.

 

Sticking around to be manipulated by her as she rubs your nose in her behavior is disrespectful to yourself, and it's certainly not building your esteem in her eyes--or your own.

 

The girl's ego enjoys keeping you as a doormat, and that's not only cruel, it's especially sad because you won't just shut her down. You don't need to make an enemy out of her, just tell her you're doing a lot better now and you'd like her to give you some space. Don't ask her, tell her--then move forward with your head high.

 

I hope you'll please reach for your dignity and quit speaking with her. It will gain you more pride and energy than you could possibly imagine. It certainly beats what you've got now!

 

In your corner.

[odile]

i really think that email is a great idea.

 

Go for it, the timing couldn't be better.

Just keep it short, sweet, and to the point.

 

I think the worst part is she gets jealous that i have been trying to move on with my life by hanging out with other girls. Obviously getting into a new relationship would be really unhealthy, but the company really helps.

 

Now you've seen firsthand what you mean to her: you're a supply of attention.

I agree that you're not ready to date anyone yet, but making new friends (even really cute ones!) can only be a good thing.

Just don't start messing with any other hearts before yours is healed, o.k.?

It's sad enough what happened to that last girl that you shooed away.

 

I was working a game today and she was there...i didn't say a word to her or even look at her and i was okay with it. I take all the pictures for the athletic department so i am always moving around so its not like we have to stand beside each other or anything, so that helps. But i had to leave at half time because her new guy came and they were standing there flirting...basically just rubbing it in my face. Both my bosses know the situation so they are really understanding, so they knew why i had to leave.

 

It's great that your bosses are understanding.

Good on you for standing tall and going to the game.

It sounds like you did a good job.

 

Just think: soon enough, seeing her/whatever pathetic display she's putting on won't bother you any more.

[Pixiedoc]

Hi, sorry to state the obvious, but she is hypocritical to the extreme. Why she would deliberately sabotage your new relationship when her cheating on you was why you ended can only be explained by someone who likes to play mind games. This is what she is doing to you now.

 

Please take Odile's advice and make sure she knows you will not fall for this - maybe something can be salvaged with the lovely girl you went on some dates with - clearly she is not in the league of your deceptive ex but someone who maybe you can trust more.

 

Take care and good luck.

[bigtires]

I want to thank both of you for your input, it means so much. This has been going on for so long i really hate talking about it with my family and friends anymore...

 

I've been trying NC for months and after a few days i always just respond to her text or email or something. At first it'd work and then she would act like she really missed me and wanted to fix this so i'd talk to her again. But now its beyond repair and the reasons for NC have changed from "showing her that she can't live without me" to self-preservation and trying to be happy.

 

What kills me the most is i was willing to give her a second chance. I was her first real boyfriend, she had nobody in her life that cared about her like i did...her family always kind of put her last and she didn't deserve it. We lived at my beach house for 4 months over the summer and it was "a dream" - her words. I think she honestly was worried that she was actually in love with me and i could be it. So the first guy that started to show her any interest was able to get in the way. Im not making any excuses for the girl because what she has done is horrible. I believe in being honest...i love it. And she lied to me constantly during all this.

 

It's not like i sit around and sulk over her all day either, i try to keep busy...i go to the gym, play basketball...go out with my friends wed-sat. Finally living the college life basically.

 

I am a sponsored surfer too so these next few months will hopefully really help, i'll be traveling to compete and living on the beach, far away from her. Hopefully knowing she isn't 50ft down the hall will really help.

[Pixiedoc]

Hey, you seem like a lovely guy, you have to understand that you gave her all (and more) the chances she deserved but if she has various issues associated with her past, she should have shared them with you.

 

The first principle of relationships has got to be - if you don't want to be with someone, end it. Don't cheat. She cheated. She was in the wrong.

 

I hope your post indicates that you are getting along a bit better, and distance and time do really help, as everyone here will assure you.

 

Be strong and look to the future. HUG

[The_411]

bigtires

 

Your ex is what I like to call an attention * * * * * .

 

Do not answer her texts do not respond to her e-mails.

 

A relationship is not possible with her unless a great deal of times passes and even then I would highly doubt mcuh would have changed on her end.

 

The big red red flag here is high need for attention.

 

Change your telephone label for her number to attention * * * * * or stupid * * * * * or do not answer.

 

Don't believe what she says but believe her actions. Her words are fluff and her actions are what dictate who she is and what she is about.

[ScorpiGal83]

Don't listen to her, don't talk to her, just imagine she doesn't exist anymore, like she was kidnapped by aliens or something.

 

She is a waste of your time.

[bigtires]

I haven't talked to her since Friday and i feel good about it. The last time we spoke we had a huge fight. I just hate that even though we had a great 2 years together, everything that has happened in these past 6 months completely outweighs all the good times. I've never felt anything like this before. It's horrible

[Pixiedoc]

Hey, remember that 'sponteneity' is NOT kissing another guy!! It would have been making more of an effort with YOU.

 

I predicted that talking and contact of any kind would result in fighting - she was baiting you.

 

Keep your space if you can - it's more positive for you and you will be in control to get stronger.

[odile]

I haven't talked to her since Friday and i feel good about it. The last time we spoke we had a huge fight. I just hate that even though we had a great 2 years together, everything that has happened in these past 6 months completely outweighs all the good times. I've never felt anything like this before. It's horrible

 

The problems in the past only outweigh the good times in the context of trying to determine what's right for you now, and for your future.

 

Later on, when things don't hurt so much, and you are more able to accept this loss, you will realise that you've gained something, too.

 

Those memories of the good times will always be yours to keep.

They just didn't hold enough promise in terms of creating more good times.

 

It's like... outgrowing your favourite teddy bear or something.

You can always treasure the good memories, but you've reached a point where you've outgrown what that relationship had to offer.

 

Now you're at the point of growth, a chance to find something better for your current needs-- something better suited to creating the happy memories for your future.

[bigtires]

i bumped into her walking down the back stairwell of the art building...she tried to talk to me and i said "im not doing this" and kept walking...she started crying and i walked away.

[catfeeder]

i bumped into her walking down the back stairwell of the art building...she tried to talk to me and i said "im not doing this" and kept walking...she started crying and i walked away.

 

Good for you. I understand it's not about hurting her, it's about not being manipulated. You might not feel so hot, but you did the right thing.

 

Head high.

[bigtires]

Yeah, i just dont understand the whole crying thing...

[catfeeder]

Yeah, i just dont understand the whole crying thing...

 

ManipuLAtion.

 

Keep walking, do not stop.

[The_411]

The crying is an attention tactic.

 

Basically the way it works in her mind is that she cries you feel sorry for her you console her be her friend she goes out and screws a random guy while she's giving you mixed signals that might be hope and she strings you along.

 

Do not give in to her crying promises or any other such nonsense. She's being manipulative towards you.

 

For the future don't believe what a woman says believe what she does.

[bigtires]

i wore a pair of jeans that i had buried in a draw for probably 10 months and i found a note from her in it. its the only thing i have from her.

 

she also texted me today saying she wished i could go to london with her on May.

[odile]

i wore a pair of jeans that i had buried in a draw for probably 10 months and i found a note from her in it. its the only thing i have from her.

 

Nice. Put it in a box with your teddy bear.

 

she also texted me today saying she wished i could go to london with her on May.

 

 

Wow, she is really trying to suck you back in!

Expect her tactics to escalate a bit.

Stay strong, and eventually she will get the message and find some other sucker to toy with!

 

London my foot.

If you said yes, she'd lose you at Heathrow.

 

Oh, btw--

If you had officially declared N.C., then this:

 

i bumped into her walking down the back stairwell of the art building...she tried to talk to me and i said "im not doing this" and kept walking...she started crying and i walked away.

 

seems fair enough, because she knew the rules, and insisted on disrespecting your wishes.

Otherwise (and for the sake of reducing drama, particularly since you're always crossing paths),

you might want to keep you're responses slightly less... confrontational.

 

Along the lines of:

"Can't talk now" (if she then asks, "later?", you can ignore or say "no"),

or

"Sorry, I'm busy", and then keep walking, or studying, or what have you.

 

I say this primarily because you do share classes together, and will undoubtably need to interact at some point or other, so to make each dismissal a point of conflict will only make tensions rise.

 

Whatever you do, consistency is key.

You're doing good.

[bigtires]

Haha i loved the Teddy bear comment.

 

and it makes it so much harder because we do ALWAYS cross paths. almost to much. But today at work she was announcing a game and i was editing pictures on a laptop with my boss right beside her and she knows we aren't on speaking terms and she kept asking me questions or commenting on what we were doing JUST because she knew i wouldn't want to make an awkward situation with my bosses so i felt obligated to answer her. And my boss had his three little kids in the press box with us so i was wrestling with all three of them and she picked my camera up and took pictures. Then i went to put down my phone and she was like oh seany i will take it. and i was like no, actually i will just hold onto it. Just really crossing the line when ever the chance came up.

[odile]

Ugh. One word (to describe how she's being) just popped into my head:

link removed

 

Keep cool.

One-word answers are O.K., so are Mmmhmmms, nods, and,

"Pardon, I'm just in the middle of something"'s.

She knows she's crossing the line.

 

Also, you can let her know that, "no offense", you'd "prefer that other people not handle the camera".

 

Once you start feeling less nervous,

you might want to try occasionally responding to her antics with cold shoulder-- pure SILENCE.

 

Stay strong, you're doing fine.

In fact, I'm impressed by how cool and unflappable you handled the game, even with her getting all up in your business the whole time.

If you can maintain this, then just keep on keeping on; it's only going to get easier.

[bigtires]

I woke up this morning and i can't stop thinking about her. I can't stop thinking about her and her new guy. This sucks. I'm wondering if i should try and talk to her and actually be nice. I do love this girl.