THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2

[tujna]

I'm all for that. There is nothing healthier than good competition. How are you feeling about your ex these days? Do you think about them less and less. In the beginning my thoughts were consumed by this person but not so much anymore.

 

OK, sounds like a plan then! Day 79 began

 

Regarding feelings for ex - this is my timeline and this is where I currently stand.

 

I think I am about 60-70% healed. But soon it will be 2 years after the breakup and since I last saw him. We were together for 7 years, though, so I am not at all surprised it is taking that long. Here is my timeline - LC at first for 1-2 months, NC on my side (I thought I will never hear from him) for 3 months and he calls, 3-4 months of contact and it seemed we might be getting back together, then 3 months of NC, then he calls again. Then 6-7 months of LC, mostly on my side - I asked if we were going to ever see each other again, he did not give a straight answer but said he will always love me and live what we had in his heart, then finally almost 3 months on NC until now.

 

I do feel OK, I am strong and realized so many thing about myself. I realized we were young, and stupid and this was an obstacle to materialize this amazing relationship to a marriage. I would have never been the person I am now if it wasn't for this break up. Sometimes I thought I would die but I made it. I do love him, still. What we had was amazing and I am not sure if it is possible to have something as good again. But, I am fine. I do think of him every day but I usually don't obsess. I fell in love with someone else and that was pretty strong too but it did not work out as the person was not ready for commitment. I would be very sad if he gets with someone else, and I will take it very hard if he marries someone else, as I am sure so would he if I do the same. But, this time I will be stubborn and not accept any crumbs. I want the whole deal because I know I deserve it!

 

How about you?? Just keep in mind, it will be over, sooner or later, one way or another. But you can make it happen sooner and it is ALL up to you!!

[jetlitheone]

Starting NC today.

We've only been broken up for a week and a half.

 

Shes sending mixed signals kind of, telling me on thing and acting another way.

 

I feel bad because I was the cause of the break up and have tried contacting and reconciling but I came off as needy and too strong.

 

Seeing where this goes, making myself stop reading her Facebook

 

Changing and working on myself...

[jeepman41]

Our relationship wasn't that long. It was from May 2010 until October 2010 when she decided to breakup. It was a very intense relationship and also very passionate. It ebbed and flowed like the tides of the ocean. It seemed like very month she would have second thoughts and want to breakup but we would talk about it and continue on. She was very emotional but passive. Sometimes she made vague statements and it really incensed me.

 

After we parted ways in October it was LC for a few weeks. I decided to go NC for myself as it didn't look like were were making progress toward reconciliation. She sent me a text the Friday after Thanksgiving which caught me off guard. I responded with curt and short replies which she misconstrued as anger. There was no more contact until Christmas Eve which I initiated. She was surprised as she thought I was gone for good.

 

We began to talk on a daily basis. We talked about the past and our previous relationship. I felt like we were making progress toward getting back together. Then she became sort of elusive and there was no communication on her part as the reason was she was very busy. Then March 23 she sent me a text with the message that she was interested in someone else. I was completely blindsided. She said I never told her I wanted to get back together and we were just friends.

 

I chased her trying to talk to her about what we had and show here how much the relationship meant to me. I realized I was being stonewalled and stepped back to examine my behavior and I became appalled at my actions. I was engaging in self defeating behavior and wanted to right the ship. On April 29, 2010 I went NC and have been ever since. Sometimes in the beginning the pain is almost unbearable.

 

I know it will be over sooner or later, I do concur. Because no matter how good or bad a situation is, it WILL change.

[highSelfEsteem]

DAY 2

Ok, here I start NC again! First time I endured for more than a month. However, I did respond to her text messages, although quite short and not interested. I may tell you, it was hell hard!!! I hope this time will be a bit easier.

 

I still believe she will return one day. And if she contacts me, I will respond like before - with long delays, short and not always. But I look forward to demonstrate my strenght. I am stronger, I feel that. I look better than ever, and feel that I can get control of my life.

 

My story is here:

 

[destiny0791]

Day 0

 

Broke NC again this morning. Felt horrible for doing it. I've learned my lesson, I forgive myself and I'm starting again.

[helovesmeyes]

Day 1 of no contact almost over. I feel great. I do not want a relationship with him, and I am over him. He is not right for me. He called me and texted, but I'm no contact.

[jeepman41]

Day 1 of no contact almost over. I feel great. I do not want a relationship with him, and I am over him. He is not right for me. He called me and texted, but I'm no contact.

 

 

Welcome to the forum. You seem like a strong willed person. How long were you two together?

[helovesmeyes]

Thank you! 9 months. I actually broke NC and answered his call last night but only because the weekend was a complete mess and I needed closure. So day 1 starts today!

[dee39]

he emailed me not last thursday thursday before after saying he wants me in his life he is ex from almost 24 years ago this after a phone call at 2.30 in the morning saying he is sorry has everything not happy loved me so much we should still be together why is it still there after 24 years etc then bamm says he doesnt want me to contact him again so I am on day 12 of no conact with him however he rings and hangs up etc etc

[jetlitheone]

Day 3 of no contact.

To be honest I feel like crap and just Want to talk to her

 

It makes it so hard knowing I have a big chance of getting her back... I'm just waiting it out

[destiny0791]

This is my last post on this forum.

 

I came here full of self-righteous indignation regarding my ex's behaviour. But on reading the many posts on this forum I have learned a thing or two about my own. That is to say, I never realised my own true feelings toward my ex and how much I have been lying to myself about how badly behaved I was; and I was. I am a 40 year old woman who has been behaving like an angry, spoilt teenager, and I am not proud of that. I have realised how much of my anger towards him was down to injured pride. I had doubts about our relationship for months and the only reason I never spoke up was out of a desire not to hurt him. I'm not saying that was the entire reason, but it was a large part of it. I pushed him away constantly, or tried to. That's not love. Not true love, anyway. I feel that all I've been doing for the last few weeks is throwing my toys out of the pram because he beat me to the punch. How dare he, etc etc. I don't want to be that woman. If he had behaved towards me how I repeatedly behaved towards him while we were a couple, I would have kicked him to the kerb in favour of someone else too, and I don't believe there's anyone here who would disagree with that logic. I'm not the 'wronged woman', I am a grown woman who should bloody well start acting like one and see the situation as it really is, not how I have wanted to see it. So, from now on, that is exactly what I intend to do.

 

I don't want to be his girlfriend any more; that is a fact, despite how it may sound. I want to try to find someone else. But my ex has been a very good friend to me ever since I have known him, despite my behaviour, and I miss that friendship very much. I know now if I re-initiate contact with him, that will no longer be part of my agenda. I have every intention of continuing my life with hopes of re-establishing a romantic relationship with someone else. But it's not the be-all and end-all. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, that's fine too.

 

I want to wish everyone here good luck, either in healing or reconciliation. For those that were consistently there for me (you know who you are), I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

[tujna]

I have to say that I this you will heal much faster from now on, and, definitely faster than me. Based on what you described, she does not deserve so much of your time. There are two possible explanations for what she did - she was either not that much into you or she had some personal issues and wanted to escape from the relationship. Either way, you do not have much to regret and you, clearly, didn't do anything wrong. I think you should get angry for her treating you this way - not to hold grudges but to realize that this is not how a person who cares about you behaves. Once you are healed, you can forgive, but until then, you have to realize that she bailed on you not once, but twice. I think she has a lot of issues and I would not give in if she contacts again, unless she gives you a clear message. If you care about a person and you break up with them, you let them go, you don't string them along. She seems very unreliable and selfish.

 

There are so much better girls out there, who would care about you, just make sure you have enough space in your heart for them!

[highSelfEsteem]

DAY 3

I miss her extremely but I will not break under any circumstances. I would rather die of sorrow than contact her.

[jeepman41]

This is a very insightful and thoughtful reply. I do believe you are right about her having some personal issues and she may not have been that much into me. I look back at the whole scenario as it was exactly a year ago when we were involved. As the anniversary of each significant date in our relationship has came and gone(there are others yet to come)there is no fanfare or celebration from me. I just want this affair to die a natural death.

 

I'm not angry, hurt or upset about the way I was treated. I didn't let her no know how painful it was when she told me she was interested in someone else. I know that if you love someone that you can let them go if you think they will be happier with someone else. That's exactly what I did. I asked for forgiveness, retreated from the relationship and left her to her own devices.

 

I believe in the power of forgiveness and some things in life do not require closure as they really have no logical explanation. I felt the best thing to do for me was to back up and recalibrate before I entered another relationship. If she was to contact me now, I'm not sure what my reaction would be.

[Chuck Bartowsk]

Day 27

 

This has been the hardest thing in my life I have had to deal with. I am starting to have more good days than bad but I still miss her very much. Slowly I am starting realize I maay never hear from her again. Just at a loss for words at this point.

[Mellie]

Day 1. Again. Was feeling like crap. Til I went out to get beer and ciggies and got my age queried.

 

Winning!

[helovesmeyes]

Day 2 and he rings me a few times. I miss him 2% of the time. I still love him, SO much but I refuse to be put in this situation again. Not with him, not with anyone. On to day 3!

[MissyMolly]

Day 29. Almost to 30! I am amazed at my resolve to disappear and back off from him. This is so not like me! I have had to talk myself off the ledge MANY times this last week - and I wonder if it because I feel like he has had enough space to finally reach out to me, and now my anxiety is back super high. My birthday is in a few days, and I KNOW my anxiety is VERY high over whether or not he will remember and/or contact me.

I am surprised at how many times I need to remind myself of this question: What do I hope to achieve by wanting to engage with a man who is clearly not around? A man who disappeared without a reason, in the most perplexing, confusing way possible? A man who had no regard for my feelings when he chose to stop calling me? And sometimes, I ask all these questions, and just sadly shake my head and say, "I don't know why."

[bebop]

Day 21 of NC, not seen her for 4 weeks! I had a terrible first 4 weeks after she started dating someone new. She would keep telling me she had strong feelings for me and didn't know what to do. Excuses coming from everywhere why she wouldn't leave the new guy, and I believed these excuses and kept clinging on to hope. It's true what the majority of people on ENA say, move on, improve yourself, forget about them. For a few weeks I tried to do this but broke contact once a week then felt crap for it, I went to the gym but didn't want to better myself because all I wanted was her back.

 

But since I completely removed her from my life, No FB no phone and not even seen her in town which is normally hard to do, but I went to different towns and cities at the weekends.

 

Its been 4 weeks since I last saw her and 3 since we spoke, me telling her I'm moving on.

 

I feel great!! back in shape better than I was when I met her, works great, family and friends are great. Everything is going well.

 

It does get better in the end, I'm lucky because our relationship wasn't that long, 5 months at best. I know it's hard but NC is for the best!

 

A bit of advice, try to reduce the amount of time spent on the ENA pages, try to cut down to one post a week. Reading threads on here helped me but other pages also gave me hope of her coming back which I believe was holding me back from moving on.

[jeepman41]

Although it has been close to 90 days, I still have some thoughts of her. They have become a lot less frequent and are not as intense as in the beginning. I feel like I am moving toward apathy or indifference. I'm not sure how I would react emotionally if I was to encounter her again. Eventually one should reach the point where they can go whole days without thinking of their ex but I'm not quite there yet.

[jeepman41]

It really defies logic when someone who says they care about you behaves in this manner but ways and actions speak more volume than words ever will.

[Laylan]

I am at over 90 days now and i'm starting to feel like i'm gonig back words now

Anyone know why? Any thoughts?

[dabbledave]

I am at over 90 days now and i'm starting to feel like i'm gonig back words now

Anyone know why? Any thoughts?

 

Perhaps because you continue to think about it?

 

Stop counting the days since NC started.

 

Fill your mind with thoughts other than the ex or the break-up by engaging in activities that require some concentration -- work, hobbies, reading, studying, meditating, whatever.

 

Take the lessons you learned while you were going forwards and reapply them now.

 

If you find yourself coming back to ENA, instead of counting off the days, offer those lessons you learned to those just starting out in their post-BU life. It helps reinforce the lessons in your own mind and gives you a sense of helping others, which is always good for the soul.

 

Take care of yourself!

 

DD

[Laylan]

Thanks DD,

I agree with everything your saying. I was doing well for a while and than i've just been feeling like its not possible for either of us to be with anyone else because we were so good together.

 

See my issue isn't that we didn't get along, or fight, or not love each other. I'm 26 and hes 27, we dated for 2.5yrs. We always talked about marriage and kids and being together forever. Back in April he told me he just wasn't ready for all that and it crushed me. So even though i know we both love each other and wanted the same things we just didn't want them at the same time.

 

I just can't let go of that hope and that 'what if'

 

thanks for your kind words!!

[dabbledave]

I just can't let go of that hope and that 'what if'

 

Ask your god, spirit, universe (whatever it is you believe in that's larger than yourself) for the serenity to accept the things you cannot change, the courage to change the things you can, and wisdom to know the difference. Live one day at a time, and enjoy each and every moment.