Badly Needed Some Help and Advice!!!

[depressedstar]

Hello everyone,

 

Im new here and in fact this is my first post. I just needed some help and don't know anymore what to do with my situation. I messed up real bad in my life and made a mistake that hurt my boyfriend big time. This has nothing to do about cheating on him or something like that but i lied to him something from my past that made him so hurt now that i finally tell him the truth.

 

Ive known him from my work and we have just been together for a short period of time personally but then we fall in love so hard. He leave everything that he has in his life just to build a new life with me in the future. Although by now we are not yet together since he is in another country but I can see that he has done so much for me and I can see that he really love me that much. On my part I also fall in love with him so BADLY that I fear of losing him from the start i had him. So because of that fear I was able to hide something from him. I had an affair with somebody before him also from the work and he was so curious about this other guy but I denied having any whatsoever with him. My reason is he might no longer take me seriously or maybe think bad about me if he will find out and that will lead to losing him. Another reason is that he don't know me yet that much since I have known him for just a short period of time so that will make him think that Im just an easy woman who is not worth taking seriously. So I hide it. But as we go along I just cant hide it anymore and Im scared that maybe he will find out in the future anyway so its better that he knows it from me. So what i did was write him an email about it. I know by doing so that I will lose him anyway because Im sure he cant forgive me for hiding such thing to him. I lied and yes im guilty of it.

 

He cried a lot when he found out that I lied. He was so hurt and it hurts me double. But nothing I can do but accept whatever his decision will be on me. But he just love me so much that he give me another chance to prove to him that I am still worthy to be trusted. Its been just a few days since this happens and now we still talk but he is still so hurt and it cant be avoided that we talk about all this most of the times. And I know that he don't trust me anymore and I can understand why. My problem is i just don't know how I can prove to him that I love him so much and that the lie that i did was just out of fear of losing him. I know he have told me many times before that i should be honest to him in every way about whatsoever and that's whats killing me that I was still able to lie to him because of my fear. I am just a coward for not facing my fear from the start.

 

The day I told him about it I even think of just killing myself after wards because I was already expecting of loosing him. That is how much I love him. He is the world to me. But he is just so nice that he still give me hope and that stops me from doing what I was planning to do. Now every time we talk I have this fear that maybe he just accept me again because he knows that I was planning to commit suicide. I know he talks to some of his friends also and they advice him to dump me and that my love was not real and that I'm just using him on something or what.. and that he is so stupid for accepting me again and forgiving me that easy.. someone even told him so ignore me for weeks and decide for himself if he still wants me or not. I can understand their feelings. They are just concern and don't want him to be hurt again. But the problem is if he will ignore me and not talk to me in the next days or weeks, how will I ever prove to him that I love him when talk online and on phone is the only thing we have now since he is miles and miles away from me? With this distance between us how could I ever prove to him I am sincere in my love? With this distance the more that his trust will no longer be build because he don't see every move that I make on where I am and he might think that maybe im just lying again... I can still feel his love but I also feel the pain in his heart and sometimes he is just moody lately in talking to me saying that he is still so hurt. I understand that. But im just not used to it and it just gives me more fear that maybe he will really not be able to forget this and forgive me completely and in the next days or weeks I will still lose him completely anyway. I have decided to move on and told him that I will no longer even try thinking of killing myself and that if ever I will lose him that I will just regret it for the rest of my life that I lied and will just move on to a lonely life ahead. If it was just the reason that he still gives me another chance then he can just tell me about it now since I have already grasp my mind and get it back. Im just so confused. In the past few days that this happens I cant sleep and cant even eat. I dont know what to do. How do you prove somebody your sincerity when he is miles away from you? What should I do? Should I expect that I will still be able to gain his trust back although I dont know how because of distance... or just move on and regret this for the rest of my life? I don't know anymore what to do? I need help.

 

Im sorry if this is unusually a very long post. I just want to pour out my heart now. I don't have anyone to talk to about this. So I am hoping to gain some insights from here. I feel so bad about myself. I feel like I don't deserve to live anymore because of what I have done. Am I really that bad for lying to him about this? Had anyone been into this kind of situation that you have to lie out of fear for loosing somebody? I already lost self confidence because of this. I just feel like I don't deserve anything anymore because I lied to him. How can I ever regain that to myself? I don't know anymore what to do.

 

Thank you for taking the time to read this!!! Looking forward to hear from everyone.

[Aurian]

Okay, first off calm down.

 

Telling someone you love them so much you want to kill yourself for them is not the way to go. It really does feel like blackmail and makes BOTH of you more upset and emotional.

 

Its hard to trust someone after a big lie. The best thing you can do is to be honest and talk about it if he needs to. He needs to come to grips with this lie (an affair? Are you married then?), and you need to explain why you did lie. Hopefully in the future, you will be honest instead of trying to hide behind a lie because when they come to light, its not pretty...

 

He needs time to come to grips with this and to learn how to trust you again. You need to give him that time, instead of panicking.

[depressedstar]

Okay, first off calm down.

 

Telling someone you love them so much you want to kill yourself for them is not the way to go. It really does feel like blackmail and makes BOTH of you more upset and emotional.

 

Its hard to trust someone after a big lie. The best thing you can do is to be honest and talk about it if he needs to. He needs to come to grips with this lie (an affair? Are you married then?), and you need to explain why you did lie. Hopefully in the future, you will be honest instead of trying to hide behind a lie because when they come to light, its not pretty...

 

He needs time to come to grips with this and to learn how to trust you again. You need to give him that time, instead of panicking.

 

Thanks for the reply. I understand what you are saying. I know it was not nice to tell him about killing myself and yes it sounds like a blackmail i just realize it at a later time. But that was what I felt at that moment and was just telling him how i feel. I now come to think of it and I know it was being stupid of me to even think of it but I just love him so much that I want to prove it by just ending up my life if necessary. That's why I was thinking maybe that's the only reason that he has to accept me again just to calm me down so I already corrected it by telling him I'm no longer even thinking of doing such thing and I realized how selfish I had been for doing so.

 

I understand what honesty means to a relationship only that I had been a coward to face my fears by then. And no, im not married. By "affair" i mean i had a relationship (for a short time) with somebody before I met him and that's the one that I hide from him. I have always been honest in everything that I do and this is the only thing I had lied with and I have already explained it to him. But being in a long distance relationship is very hard and I just don't know how to prove to him that I'm still worth to be trusted after this lie that I made. I agree I need to give him time. I'm just in the state of having the best fear I ever had again.... so yes im panicking... but i guess i have to learn a lot of things in life including how to face my fears as they come along and how to deal with the consequences of of everything that I do. thank you for you time on replying to this thread.

[Aurian]

Anytime, I hope that things will settle down and that things will go better with the two of you.

[depressedstar]

Anytime, I hope that things will settle down and that things will go better with the two of you.

 

Things are getting a little better actually. Although, of course I still don't know where would this end up.. or will it have a happy ending for us anyway.. but things are getting better. And I hope it continues this way til the end.