Need support; gotta go back to NC

[sandrawg]

My ex and I have had LC the last few weeks (we broke up end of January-I've already explained what happened in prior posts.) This was on his initiative-he said he wanted to be friends.

 

Well, all we've done is text and IM/email. It has been friendly--no drama or anything--he's been nice, actually. Apologized to me for many things he said and did during the breakup--though, not in person. And he doesn't seem to want to call me. I don't know if it's because he's afraid, or what.

 

Anyway, on Friday, we were IM'ing. I started to tell him about this idea I have for a youtube video. The convo went like this:

 

me: oh, so anyway

here's my idea

him: we elope and pretend nothing happened?

me: huh

him: nm

me: elope?

2:55 PM him: To elope, most literally, merely means to run away

me: but if you're eloping

you're not running FROM

you're running TO

you're running INTO a marriage.

him: this is my next strategy link removed

you missed the whole point i think

me: which WAS?

2:56 PM sounds like a harlequin novel

he kidnaps her to be his bride

she fights it

him: no

me: but eventually ends up falling in love

him: "i have an idea"

you where saying

me: and they live in blissful wedded happiness

ever after

no, I caught that!

I caught that part

him: i was thinking outloud

 

 

...later:

 

me: if you come over to get the xmas lights are you also going to brideknap me

bridenap

bridekidnap

3:43 PM or whatever.

him: yeah

basically

3:44 PM just re-upped on some duct tape and chloroform

if your into that kind of thing

me: sure

3:45 PM if while you've got the chloroform you can change one of my fillings while I'm out.

kill 2 birds w/one stone

him: lol

right?

me: I guess I better pack a bag then.

how long will I be gone?

I should let (my boss) know

him: 3 days

should be enouhg

ill have my way with you

3:46 PM and let you loose

standard protocol

youll be back at work by tuesday

 

So...then at 5am, he texts me: "I miss thinking about you."

 

Now, I have no idea what this means. He then tells me that our IM brought up some feelings he had been avoiding.

 

At around 11p, he texts me to say he's thinking about moving out of L.A.

 

Today, I just felt kind of manipulated by all these mixed signals he's giving me.

 

So I texted him saying I feel like my emotions are being manipulated. I said: "You told me when we broke up, that you know "100 percent" we can't have a rel'ship, so I've been trying to move on since we broke up and recently trying to adjust to maybe being friends with you, but you're not making it easy."

 

I said:

 

"Is the joking about eloping and letting me know how you feel meant to find out how I feel about you? Cuz it gives you an ego boost to know I still care about you?"

 

I told him I do not want to be put in a box where I'm more than a friend but not good enough to be his girlfriend. I feel he did this with his prior ex, the one who helped ruin our rel'ship and my trust in him.

 

I said: "Just pls quit saying things that would give someone false hope that there's even a chance for us. I don't think you're TRYING to hurt me, but it still hurts nonetheless."

 

Tonight, I've been so depressed and crying.

 

I know he's done many things to hurt me in the past, and he's not the best choice for me, but he was the first person to really show me love since my divorce. I will never forget that. That's what I keep thinking about--those first few months we were together when he showed me so much love. I am so afraid I will never find that again.

 

I just feel emotionally tugged through the wringer by him again with all of this--I need to go back to NC, but now I REALLY need some support.

 

Thanks.

[IBelieve]

Sandrawg. Please please please stick with your NC! You've got my full support!

 

It is so unfair for him to tell you that he still misses you, especially when he is the one who dumped you.

 

You should make sure you have a plan.. ie:

 

If he calls I won't pick up.

If he texts I won't read it and I will delete it.

I will block him from IM, facebook, etc.

 

and then you have to make sure you stick with it and if you ever feel the urge to contact him post here first! People will talk some sense back into you!

 

Good luck!

 

(Time to sleep.. work tomorrow

[pushforward]

Hey!

 

I hope you feel better, I've suggested this to you many times. NC and stick with it forever. Until it's water under the bridge, you can't ever get over him if you allow him to stay in your life. It's hard to lose somebody you care and love for, but is the pain really worth it? Is it better to lose him forever and let him out of your life, or to stay in your life. Sending mixed signals, cheating, lying, and drugs.

 

You know at some point enough is enough. Either you have to cut him out totally, or you'll be the one doing this to yourself. Acknowledge what you feel and work through this gray area of life. He is just a seasonal boyfriend, he isn't the guy to make you a wife. Think about your future, what if you had kids? Do you think he'd be a great role model, a great husband, a great dad, somebody who will support the family? If he doesn't answer yes to anything and everything you think you deserve, is he really worth you?

 

You know you've been through some rough patches in life, you did find love again, you did survive a break up and still are, so love is out there. However, you need to stop looking in the wrong places and OF COURSE! Anything worth anything in life, takes time.

[sandrawg]

Hey Ricky!

 

You're a sweetheart.

 

All those things you say about being a husband, dad, etc...well, I am probably too old to have kids so that part doesn't even matter!

 

I was okay with the way things were going with him, just living my life and enjoying our conversations and LC, having him in the bkgrnd, until he sprung all of this on me. But isn't that kind of like saying, "Well, other than THAT, how did you like the play, Mrs. Lincoln?"

 

I am not hinging ANY hopes on him, whatsoever. But to know that he still has feelings, and he has these fantasies of eloping, or whatever, yet he keeps me at arms length, it just painful. I'd rather he keep that info to himself, or tell one of his friends or family members if it bothers him.

 

The first thing you said is totally right though. I'd rather lose him from my life than continue to deal with these mixed signals.

[pushforward]

Well from what I've known and what you've said. He only apologizes or makes any attempt to keep you in his life, when he's losing you. You know, you gave him a chance already, he botched it. You gave him another chance, he botched it again. He's losing you again and he's trying to woo you with words, do you really want to give somebody more than enough chances when clearly all he has is his words and he doesn't live by them. His inability to show you how he feels, says a lot. For example, he gets flirty, he apologizes for his behavior, he says he'll change. You believe him, you get back together, and what happens? Same old story, different day.

 

You've given the guy too many chances. You know you deserve better.

[sandrawg]

Yep. You are right.

 

I told him, I'm not A**, his pathetic ex-gf who pined for him the whole time we were together, and who he kept as a backup. I have more self-respect than that.

 

I thought I could give being "just friends" a try, but he's not a friend to me. This isn't friendship-this feels like manipulation.

[pushforward]

Yep. You are right.

 

I told him, I'm not A**, his pathetic ex-gf who pined for him the whole time we were together, and who he kept as a backup. I have more self-respect than that.

 

I thought I could give being "just friends" a try, but he's not a friend to me. This isn't friendship-this feels like manipulation.

 

You have to think about it. And I mean really think about it. Look at what he's done, you two were once committed to each other and his behavior was not on par of somebody who is in a committed relationship. Nor of that of a friend. Do you really want to be friends with somebody who will lie, looking out for their best interest and complete disregard you when you need them. It's hard because you got feelings for the guy, but it doesn't mean you have to act upon them, if he's not good for you, why keep him? As a friend, as a love, hell even an acquaintance? You two are strangers with a history.

 

He doesn't bring the best out of you, only the worst. Why be anything with him. Insecure, jealousy, you even snooped, if you can't trust the guy, you shouldn't be around him. The choice is yours, separate your feelings for what is best for you in the long run. Instant gratification isn't equivalent to long term fulfillment, and you know, he isn't great for you in the long hall.

 

I'm not poking at your age, but I've been reading a lot. Time is a precious commodity, do you want to spend another day feeling this way about somebody you know deep down, doesn't give a F about how you feel and it's all about him? Time is short, spend everyday happy!

 

Here's a little post I did awhile back, it's not written by me, but I think the words and the morale of the story should help you get through this, second by second, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years, and life!

 

 

 

A well-known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20.00 bill. In the room of 200 he asked, "Who would like this $20 bill?" Hands started going up. He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this."

 

He proceeded to crumple up the $20 dollar bill. He then asked, "Who still wants it?" Still the hands were up in the air. "Well," he replied, "What if I do this?" And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty.

 

"Now, who still wants it?" Still the hands went into the air. "My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20. Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way.

 

We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value. Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who do love you. The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by who we are. You are special, don't ever forget it."

 

Remember to count your blessings, not your problems. If God brings you to it, he will bring you through it. Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming, "Wow, what a ride!"

[Artop]

Hi, Sandrawg,

Just want you to know I am going through the same thing as you. Ex dumped me. I finally got better. He came around. I let him back in. He gives me mix signals. I relive the anxiety/frustration as the first time. It's been awful.

 

Last night, I couldn't take it anymore. I sent him an e-mail telling him never to contact me again. I am sad today, but at least it was MY decision and not his.

Like Pushforward said, same old story, different day. We are giving them too many chances. All words, no action. They don't deserve it.

[sandrawg]

Hi Artop!

 

Thanks for your reply.

 

I just read your thread--whew, you've been through the ringer. I'm sorry your ex put you through that. The whole, going incommunicado for a week--that's totally not acceptable, and I'm glad you recognized it. When my ex did that once--under the guise of "taking space"--he was actually hanging out with his ex-girlfriend.

 

Hi, Sandrawg,

Just want you to know I am going through the same thing as you. Ex dumped me. I finally got better. He came around. I let him back in. He gives me mix signals. I relive the anxiety/frustration as the first time. It's been awful.

 

Last night, I couldn't take it anymore. I sent him an e-mail telling him never to contact me again. I am sad today, but at least it was MY decision and not his.

Like Pushforward said, same old story, different day. We are giving them too many chances. All words, no action. They don't deserve it.

[Artop]

I am embarrassed to say I ended up talking to him after the disappearing act. We were suppose to meet this past Sunday. Guess what, he pulled a "I am sick" on me.

 

I was making excuses for him. Oh, he's scared. Oh, he needs time. The reality is if someone really misses you, they want to SEE you. Not this e-mail/text/ phone thing.

Remember this. It will save you a lot of heartaches...

[sandrawg]

Don't feel embarrassed. But you need to have more respect for yourself than that. If someone knows they can get away with walking on you once, they will keep doing it.