telling my parents about my older boyfriend

[rachmk]

i am 18 and am in a relationship with a 40 year old man, i know this is a large age gap but its not the age that bothers me its telling my parents. we have been seeing each other for a year and are so happy together. all of our friends are happy for us, but my parents wont be. we have been friends for three years and my parents dont even like that. if i ended this it would be for my parents only and i no that is the wrong reason. has anyone been in this position? i feel as though im trapped between my parents and the man i love.

[Tinkerbell]

I'm sorry but I find it hard to believe that an 18 year old is in love with a 40 year old.. That's sick! He was TWENTY TWO when you were a NEWBORN. Get a grip!

[Rainy]

I have never dated a guy that was alot older than me, but i have in the past fancied older men,

 

I dont think its sick that you fancy someone that is older, you arent attracted to them cause of their age its cause of who they are and there personality, i think as long as your happy thast all that matters,

 

You need to get your parents on side, i dont know how you go about it, maybe anyone in the same position as cherry could give advice!!

 

 

Goodluck!!

[Anamarie89]

Yikes... that is a little disturbing... it might be hard to tell your parents because modern society just doesn't approve of such a large age gap. I think in the long run it might be easier if you tried to find someone else... but I know that's easier said than done, right? If you really want your parents to see past modern society's qualms, than maybe get them aquainted with some of the qualities about him that make him worth keeping?

[Chrysalis_77]

rachmk,

I understand how you feeling now. I was 23 when I 1st met my partner, and he was 49 yrs old. Yes, thats right, we have 26 years difference.

I was worried and scared to tell my parent about it but I had to, so i did. They're unhappy with it at 1st. But as time goes by, they realize that we're serious about the things and we're happy together.

As long as you know what you are doing, should be ok. If you believe you'll be happy with him and he's worth it...age is just a number. Good luck

[KayM05]

eww...ok tats alil sux...im 14 1/2 n i went out wit an 19 yr old n ppl told me tat was wrong so i dumped him n were still friends but come on 18 n 40 tats just plan wrong...u have ur whole life ahead of u..n hes like rlly old n can die n e day now lol noo but u get it..i think u should rlly think bout dis n maybe ull smarten up n find a nice guy whos around ur age....

[Agility_girl]

Come on you guys this is a site where we are supposed to be accepting of eachother. Stop picking on her! The name of this site is NOT ALONE, and rach I want you to know that you're not. I am in the exact same situation of needing to tell my parents, I am as well 18 and the man I love is 44. There is nothing wrong with your or my relationship. Nothing sick or perverted. In fact I can speak for my relationship in that it is so pure, simple. We talk about everything, really connect on an emotional level, totalyy understand eachother,and have a completely honest relationship. If you want you can PM me.

[kalobaby]

I am 22 and I have been going out with a man that is 39; for the past four years, when my parents found out they flip, but not only for his age but for other reasons but that's not my point. Before you even tell your parents figure out if you really love this guy and if he really loves, you I mean the first year of every relationship is all lovy lovy. So first talk to this guy and ask him what are his intentions with you. R u guys planning to get married? or is this just a relationship that has no future?

After seing my parents suffer for me 'cause of my relationship with this older person I would have not put them through this if I had known that it was not going to work out. I mean parents will always be there for you not matter what you do, but sometimes we need to consider their feelings too, 'cause they have feelings. So if you think that hte pain and suffering that your parents are going to to trough 'cause of your relationship is worth it, then talk to them and explain to them how much you love this guy, and have him show them how much he loves you, after all for your parents you're their princess and they want the best for you.

 

Karen

[RandyB]

Rachmk, you aren't alone, as you can already see.

 

When I was 42, I formed a romantic relationship with a woman who was 24. I don't know how comfortable her parents ever were with me, but they were always kind. I won't go so far as to say they were supportive of us, but they were kind because they believed I was interested in more than sex. I was, but because there was geographic distance involved as well, the romantic part didn't last, even though the friendship has. Even if we lived in the same town, I don't how long it would have lasted, and we each wanted to "let go" of the other freely while there was still plenty of time left in life for each of us to see other people. I just turned 45 and I am infatuated with another woman I know through business. She is 25. We have a lot in common and our personalities are a good match, but notice, I said infatuation. I won't try to make it more than it is, and I'm letting her decide how far and how fast we go with this. As I said in another posting, there is no such thing as "just friends," not because I believe the possibility of sex and romance is always a factor between friends, but because some friendships are so valuable it's insulting to describe them as "just" being friends.

 

To the younger men and women out there, let me explain why "older" men and women even let themselves get involved with someone 10 years younger, and more. Not all marriages or relationships last. Some end in divorce, some end in the death of a loved one, and there are simply far fewer women (and men) in their 30s and 40s who are still single or unattached than there are in their 20s. Even those who are single aren't always a good match for each other simply because they happen to be the same age, so you are right sometimes, not all the time, but sometimes to listen to your heart rather than your head. A 20-year age difference, however, IS pushing it a bit. Don't get me wrong, I would be ecstatic if something developed with the 25-year old I mentioned above, but I think I would be getting more out of it than she would, and I hope I care enough for her to recognize she may need something or someone different. I'm not a saint, not by any stretch, but I would be happier seeing her happy (while still being "just" friends) than I would be by frustrating her chances with someone else by clinging too tightly. I know it's a cliche, but if you love someone...

[skinnest]

I definitely reccomend telling them. I have been with a younger girl (she's 19 now) for 2 1/2 perfect years EXCEPT... Having to hide our love for so long and the fact that it is a big secret has recently finished with it. I believe that had we told them and been capable of having a normal relationship we might not be having the problems now. Even with so much stress of the secret we have gotten through many difficulties and we are (were???) a wonderful couple.

I don't necessarily reccomend rushing into things. You might work on your parents for a while first. Try to earn their trust. Get good grades and work hard towards your future. If they trust you and your decisions then it will be easier for them to accept that you are in love with an older man. If you are a biut wild and out of control, maybe doing poorly at school, your parents will cast the blame at him. Even if you are wild with friends your own age and watch films at his house on quiet saturday evenings.

 

Also there are two reasons for mixed relationships...

One is when older men prey on young girls. Parents obviously should be concerned about this posibility. The other is when the girl is very mature and stable for her age. and things just happen but aren't really sought after. In the later the older man can be a calming influence on her rather than introducing her to alcohol, drugs, and sex.

 

I think anyone in a mixed relation should ask themselves 'Why is he with me? and Is this a pattern for him? If he is with you because he loves YOU and not because you are young then I think it is ok. If he has a pattern of little girls you (and your parents) should take this as a warning sign. If he really loves you he will be patient with your childish behaviour and not pressure you to 'grow up' too quickly and if you love him you should try to be a calm young person working toward your (own) future. If you do have a future with him he won't want to wait forever for you to grow up. NOt all young people (even those not in mixed age realtionships) live the wild life that is so senseless and causes so much grief (lost semesters at university, losing your job etc).

 

Being with an older man can spare you some of the problems that SOME young people have. A lot of people will say he is robbing you of your youth but I sure as heck wish that somebody had robbed me of the four years of hangovers everyday during university. I might have gotten more out of it. Always try to find a balance between your youth and your more mature relation. You can't expect him to go to discotechs with you but he should try to enjoy some of your younger interests.

 

Two people the same age usually have the same lifestyles, hang ups and fears. This means that sometimes things clash. Like the same poles of a magnet. In a mixed relation both partners bring a different set of qualities and if you share these it can be more full than a same age relation. But find a balance and be prepared for difficulties. Also if he is much older than you don't give him the impression that you want a future with him if you really aren't sure. He, being older, will prepare for your 'life together' and will fall much harder when you move on for a 'normal realtionship'.

 

Know yourself and if this is just a phase I would reccomend that you save both of you from a lot of heartache. Realise that he will in effect be 'waiting for you to grow up a bit so the two of you can begin an adult relationshhip and that he will be sacrificing a lot to be with someone younger. Waiting for you to be old enough to do things he has already experienced years before. And if you really do love him them try to make it work until you are old enough to have this with him because a mixed relation of the type where real love is involved (not a wolf after the sheep as in the man with a 'pattern) lacks many elements and you can't know what life will really be like with him until you share more adult aspects of a relationship.

 

Ps. by wolves I'm speaking about a pattern of 16-18 girls.

For a man that has a pattern of anything younger I would say pedofile

[JonnyG]

Woah Tinkerbell. Didnt expect that poor response from a Mod. Ain't seen a poor answer like that from u before, could of said it in a nicer way .

 

I have to say the age difference is fairly large and it may be best to leave it. But, if u really love him, and think that u can stay with him as long as u live (or as long as he will probably live), then I don't see there being a problem. But seriously, when your 40 he will be over 60. Will u still be happy then? Up to you, do what your heart tells u.

 

To put things in prospective, I was seeing a girl/woman who is 8 and a half years older than me at the start of the year. 6 months since we last saw each other Im due to meet up for a coffee with her again, and she says she really likes us still, but says im too good for her. I seriously dont think this is an excuse for her to lightly tell me she doesnt fancy me enough, i mean I can't see why she would agree to see me out of the blue after 6 months if she didnt like me, I really think she is worried that if we went out, it wouldnt be long till I would think the grass is greener on ther other side i.e. look for som1 younger. And to be honest, as much as i like her, it does worry me that if i went out with her again, would i be able to stick with her when i hit 30 and shes nearly 40 and theres young 20 year olds around who might be interested in me????

[drahcir]

I think you should wait until you are sure you want to be with him for the rest of you life (ie. get married). Because what if you tell your parents and then they freak out, and only later do you break up with the guy? Then telling them and going through the whole difficult process would all be for nothing. So wait until you know for sure you are committed to each other for life. Then tell them. But remember that parents are always unpredicable, and they may surprise you with their response. Maybe they will approve? Maybe they will stay neutral and say it is your decision? I don't know. But wait until you are ready to commit for life before telling them.

[dramagirl2]

i dated older man and i don't think that is sick if you like older man do your thang.

 

if i was you i will tell my parents and if they don't like it ol well your are at that age to decide to do what you want and you just can't let your parents live your life.

 

i love older man you can learn alot from them.

[destinys_heaven]

I'm 19 and my boyfriend is 30 and we are head over heels! Its not right for anybody to tell you that you relationship is wrong - age is immaterial when you deeply love someone. I told my parents a year ago - not very well though because I was worried what they thought and the saw that and played off of it. 1 year on and i'm not really any further because i dont want to get my emotions played with by my parents again - anybody have any ideas how to confront them again? Anyway..you need to tell them or you will become bitter but make suree you know exactly how your going to do it! Best of luck! x

[YankeeGirl02]

I'm sorry but I find it hard to believe that an 18 year old is in love with a 40 year old.. That's sick! He was TWENTY TWO when you were a NEWBORN. Get a grip!

Oh please.

[Spugly Fuglet]

Im 40 and my wife is 30 OK its not as big a gap as you but we still had a hard time. I would wait a few years befor geting hiched and also get your self throw Uni 1st.

 

Thats my take on it

[CutiePa2T]

jus do it like a bandaid lol RIP itoff

[Iceman26]

Try and prepare your self by putting yourself in your parents position, and be ready to handle the argument that they are going to give you.

 

If you want my opinion, and what your parents opinion is likely to be, is that the only thing a man that old and experienced could be interested in is sex. This is probably the number one thing they are going to harp on you about, and I wouldn't blame them.

 

I myself cannot fathom dating a girl that young, and I am only 28.

[xprincessbugx]

This post was written in 2004, I hope by now she's told her parents.

[Iceman26]

Crap! I usually catch on to these things. Why have people been posting on old posts all of a sudden?

 

I saw a bunch of people posting on one from 2003 the other day.

[CutiePa2T]

oh its old ?

[Iceman26]

Yes. Check out the date that the original poster started this thread.

[CutiePa2T]

wow lol...