Okay, so how do I keep myself going forward?

[Keyman]

For those that have been following my threads...

 

She came over to see me on Thursday to see if there were any feelings still there. She drove 30 minutes in the rain accross town to do that, even though I was expecting her to tell me she didn't want to see me again. That she would do that alone tells me that there is still a spark in her heart for me. We talked plenty on that night and hugged a whole lot and I am pretty sure that she get the message loud and clear from me that my heart is defiantely still in it, and it is.

 

So we organised to hang out today (Sunday) and I met her this morning, we were going to drive for an hour down the coast and spend the day at the beach. We were together for three months, did everything that a guy and a girl in the infatuation stage of a relationship does until things went wrong. But now, it feels like I'm starting all over again from the first date...

 

So we went down the coast and had the most fabulous day together. It was like we'd only just met, we talked a whole lot, and didn't touch much, went for a swim, sun baked, went for lunch, then walking around after lunch, I reached over and held her hand. We spent the rest of the day hold hands, I kissed her quickly at one stage, which she responded to. Went for another swim in the surf, and spent a lot of times with her in my arms as we bobbed around.

 

On the drive home, I again held her hand and asked if she'd have dinner with me and stay to watch a dvd. We cuddled up and watched the movie. Afterwards, when she went to leave, she gave me another quick kiss. We stood out at the car and cuddled for a long time, but when I tried to kiss her, she said she was just comfortable where she was at the moment and not to rush her. So we cuddled some more, and again I asked for a kiss, to be told the same. She told me it wasn't a rejection, she just wasn't ready yet. I told her that I wasn't going to give up the fight for her. Then she left.

 

She has accepted doing something in the not too distant future, but hasn't accepted or declined my offer to go to a movie next weekend. I told her to get back to me...

After she'd gone, I sent her a message saying "All I ask is that you don't play with me. This is real for me. Thanks for a wonderful day and I'll talk to you soon." I'm not expecting a response.

 

I know that she was hurt at Valentine's day by me and it will take a lot to get her back to where we were before. What I want to know is...

 

1) Knowing that I may only see her once every week or two, how do I stop from missing her and going out of my mind?

2) Is she stringing me along until someone better comes along?

3) was the text a bad thing or simply stating where I am?

[DN]

She told me it wasn't a rejection, she just wasn't ready yet.

Yes, it was.

2) Is she stringing me along until someone better comes along?

 

Possibly - be very careful.

3) was the text a bad thing or simply stating where I am?

No - it was a good idea. You have made it plain what you want and that you don't expect to be played with.

 

Proceed with great caution.

[Fionnuala]

 

1) Knowing that I may only see her once every week or two, how do I stop from missing her and going out of my mind?

2) Is she stringing me along until someone better comes along?

3) was the text a bad thing or simply stating where I am?

 

1. I don't really know a good answer to this question. All I can say is try to focus on other things in your life. Basically focus on the things that make you feel good and happy without her, make your life as good as it can be without her in it. I think that's good for you regardless of what happens, because even if you guys do get back together full on, it looks like it's going to be a while, and either way you need to be satisfied and whole on your own without her.

 

2. I don't think anyone can know this for sure, except her. We don't know her for one, and for another, we can't read minds. People do things for all sorts of reasons, and this could very well be one of them.

 

I've been more defensive of her than others on your threads because I've been in a similar situation (worse though, what you did wasn't that bad) and I can understand how she would be hurt and might feel that you aren't trustworthy or something. For that reason, I can understand her need to take things slow. However, you have very clearly been working hard to make things up to her and show her that you still want to be with her and are 100% in it, and I find it a little worrisome that she's still being so hot and cold with you and making things so difficult. Particularly considering she's the one who broke up with you in the first place. I don't really know, she could just be scared and moving with caution, but she also could be very uncertain of what she wants and stringing you along while trying to figure it out, which isn't very fair. I'm curious as to what sort of things were said in your talk on Thursday?

 

3. I agree with DN, I think it was good for you to lay your cards on the table like that and tell her that you are serious and aren't interested in playing games with her. It's good to stand up for yourself like that.

 

I also agree that you should proceed with caution. It's all well and good to fight for her and show her that you care and regain her trust, but I think it needs to go both ways. You aren't the only one who was in the wrong (she broke up with you, she needs to work to regain your trust too), and it's going to take work on both ends to make this work. It doesn't seem like she's putting as much effort into it as you are, and that could be a problem. I think it's good to give her space and time, but you can't go on like this forever. At some point a decision has to be made one way or the other, and it isn't fair of her to keep you hanging on forever. I don't know, just my viewpoint, I could be wrong.

 

Rooting for you as always!

[wishingonastar]

I think text message should not be used for serious communication. It should only be used for light fun easy ways to say things.............Just try to keep it romantic and fun. I doubt you would send a text like that to a girl you just started dating....it would scare her off! Don't stir up emotions and get her thinking that every time you hang it out it's super serious (even though it is and it means a lot).

[Keyman]

Thanks DN. Yes, I am wary of her stringing me along, but for what point, I am not sure. It's not like she needs to feel like she is wanted, but she does want to get herself set up a little first, which is the space she'd wanted at the end of the time we were seeing each other.

 

I do wish to proceed and I do want to be with her, but my biggest problem is the waiting. I want to set my heart in a place where I am happy to just focus on my own things while I slowly make her fall in love with me again. This is going to be hard and emotionally wrenching, but I must focus my head on a good place...

[Keyman]

All I can say is try to focus on other things in your life. Basically focus on the things that make you feel good and happy without her, make your life as good as it can be without her in it.

 

Okay, so that was pretty much the plan, this is what I have really been doing since Valentine's, so I will just keep it going.

 

I've been in a similar situation (worse though, what you did wasn't that bad) and I can understand how she would be hurt and might feel that you aren't trustworthy or something. For that reason, I can understand her need to take things slow. However, you have very clearly been working hard to make things up to her and show her that you still want to be with her and are 100% in it, and I find it a little worrisome that she's still being so hot and cold with you and making things so difficult.

This is why I value your opinion and this hot/cold thing is why I feel uneasy at times.

I'm curious as to what sort of things were said in your talk on Thursday?

She pretty much said she had come over to see if there were any feelings there, from me and from her. For the week after Valentine's day, I had shown a little bit of obsessive behaviour and had emailed her a bunch of times. Most of the things were just statements of intent "I want to be with you etc etc" but a couple were a bit heavier, one explaining my side of it the fiasco on V-day and my feelings on how she had acted. One of the messages was titled "Last contact" which was me forcing myself to stop the behaviour, but she read into it that I didn't want contact. She said I was being inconsistent and it was confusing her. She also told me that she thought I wanted someone like myself, but I took it as a critism and said nothing. We discussed the fact that I wanted Sunday to be just a fun day together, and not to go through again the issues that came up from V-day, which is what she wanted to. She also told me that she was scared I might be a stalker, because I'd come to the place she'd been staying a couple of times after we broke up (in my defence, I go to a friends place every Wednesday near her place and I dropped off mail. I never went over any other day, so the comments were unjustified. In saying that, she wont tell me where she is living now). She also said it was my perogative to date other women, which I replied, it's my perogative not to. It did get lighter after that, with the hand holding, staring into each others eyes and plenty of cuddling...

 

I also agree that you should proceed with caution. It's all well and good to fight for her and show her that you care and regain her trust, but I think it needs to go both ways. I think it's good to give her space and time, but you can't go on like this forever.

This is where the issue lies in my head. How long do I wait? I guess only I can answer that question based upon how things go week to week. I'm sure to keep you updated...

 

Thanks again for the support...

[Keyman]

Sometimes I wish my head would just shut up. I'm not surprised that this is the hard day that my head is going a little crazy on. After the brilliant day with her yesterday, now back into exile until she is ready for the next meeting.

 

It makes me wonder, what takes so long? Are things actually going to be clearer for her in a fortnight? Or will she just have been able to forget about me a little more? Seeing what other options are out there?

 

And she is just comfortable doing the hugging thing at the present, with the occasional peck, how will two weeks of not seeing me change this comfortableness level?

 

I wanted to ring her on Thursday just for a normal chat, as I want the lines of communications to stay open, but I'm rethinking that. She wants space and time, so I'll go back to NC again until she chooses to contact me. I asked her to the movies this weekend, and asked her to let me know, so I guess she will have to contact me regarding that. My initial guess is that she wont go and wont contact me to tell me, which will be okay. Hey wow, my stress over the situation has lifted after typing that. (well, for now anyway).

 

Back to NC for me!

[End Rant]

[Girl wants EX]

I can't help wonder: why some people just can't figure out what they want in a second or a minute? what is out there confusing about?

It's a simple question, you like a person or not, then you want to work on it or not...

why some people are wasting time on ''figuring something out''? Come on, LIFE is really short...

I just don't understand why LOVE can be so complicated...

Maybe because I am such a simple person.

[Keyman]

I'm definitely with you on that one! Well, she finally made up her mind, thankfully and sent me an email telling me that it's time we never saw each other again. It was her reaction to the text message.

 

While I was holding out for her to want to be together, with the long wait that I was expecting, it just didn't seem worth it. That one small thing at the end of a wonderful day would suggest exactly what I thought. She was making me walk on egg shells. I didn't think I was, but she had such high expectations and if 5 minutes out of 12 hours causes her to run, then I am sooo sooo sooo glad that it is finally over.

 

Again, I am relieved that it is over, like the day after she dumped me, 6 weeks ago, I can see exactly why she was in my life and don't think I could have taken much more. I was beginning to lose myself back into what I was before I met her again, a dark dark place. I have more to say, so no doubt over the next couple of days, I will say what I have not yet been able to say. The angry things that I have been hiding myself from... When I am ready.

[DN]

I think that her saying that is the best for you in the long run. I suspect she would have always played these games and that any relationship with her would always have been seriously out of balance and would not have brought you much happiness.

[Keyman]

Thanks again DN. I think the same. I have often wondered about how believable a lot of the things she said was, right from the beginning. I wanted to believe what she had to say, but so much seemed inconsistent. She tried so hard to be everything she thought she was, but she was very little of it.

 

By the email, it sounds like she would have dragged it out for a long long time. Not sure what she was getting out of it, but I am most pleased it is finally over. While nothing bad was said, there will be no going back this time.

[Fionnuala]

I'm glad she sent you that email. She sounds like a very selfish person, to be honest, and I think you deserve better than that. Anyone who is willing to put in the effort that you were to make up for such a small slip up deserves to be treated with equal respect and trust. Sorry it didn't work out, but I'm glad that you weren't left hanging on for God knows how long.