His "weekend" time?!? Should i call it quits??

[nrgiles]

What do you "nag" about??

 

Why doesn't he hang out with his friends on weekdays? After work for instance?

 

I can see why he'd want to hang out and drink somewhere outside the house if there's nothing to do at home. But at the same time I think in a good relationship the guy wants to spend time with his gf. Especially since you only get to see each other Fri and Sat. (Which I don't get entirely: don't you guys spend weekdays together?)

 

Over little things, but ive worked on that and is no longer an issue. His friends work mostly at night but he does go fishing (when i have class - mon-wed). You misunderstood, we see each other every night and day but when friday comes he wants to be with his friends and he comes back to my house on sundays.

[cranberrymuffin]

It seems the wknd. is just convenient as you say his friends seem to be busy week nights...

 

I can't see why anyone would jump the gun & say he is an alcoholic because he enjoys a few brews with friends on wknds. That is half of the population.

 

But I liked what someone said about maybe switching it up-- maybe spending two wknds. a month with you & two with friends. When he spends the two with you he can have other 'him time' with friends through the week.

 

I'd also work on what you yourself say is your over-doing it with him in ways that might contribute to fighting. It is an important point that you feel that he is right in that you might contribute to making things more negative in energy.

 

On the other hand even though he is frustrated he can work on his delivery, meaning the way he puts things accross to you.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

To be honest, i don't know too many girlfriends who would put up with a guy who insisted on spending every single weekend away from her drinking with the boys. If that's what you want from life fine, but most girls wouldn't put up with sitting home alone from Friday morning thru Sunday evening (unless they were his mistress of course who expects to be alone on weekends when he's with his 'real' family)... LOL!

 

Sorry honey, but he's treating you like a mistress and his boys like they're his real family! Cheaters see their mistresses during the week, and family on weekends. He's established the same pattern with you, showing you what he real priorities are... his boys!

[mikem]

You really deserve to be a priority in a relationship. Unless there some miraculous change of heart on the part of your boyfriend, I would get out. When you get into a more positive relationship in the future, you'll realize this was a 'passing through' type relationship and wasn't worth the drama. I know it's not always easy, because you develop a bond with a person, but thankfully healing does come.

 

As I mentioned before I was with a lady who was doing a similar thing, except in a long distance relationship. We'd keep in touch Mon - Thursday, but I wouldn't hear much from her Fri - Sunday. I finally had to break it off. I had a no contact policy with her for a couple months. It wasn't easy, but it gave me the space I needed to heal. Emotionally I had some rough stretches there, but the healing did come, step by step. Eventually, you start to come back to your 'old self' and get stronger.

 

The key is getting off that 'schedualed' emotional roller-coaster ride and getting your sanity back. You can get somewhat addicted to the drama and that person, but the re-introduction of emotional stability is a blessing.

 

There is someone out there who is better for you. If you decide to move on, major on getting healthy again and learn what you needed to learn from this relationship.

 

The key thing I realized with this last relationship I was in, is the need to be a 'priority'. It's ok for them to have other friends and interests, but ultimately if they are going to 'take the plunge with you' and be in a relationship, you have to be a priority. If they aren't willing to do this and have a 'part-time lover' mentality, it's really not worth it. You deserve someone who will make you a priority.

 

God bless you and, believe me, there is someone better for you. You deserve a better situation with someone who will treat you better and make you a priority.

[angellight]

There is nothing wrong with a guy hanging with his friends and drinking a couple nights,,, but it is not unreasonable to ask for a night every two weeks where you could do couple things...Maybe with your girlfriends and their boyfriends... that way you are with him 5 days a week then every other week you get one weekend night...Make that night fun...Also why can't you go with him and his friends occasionally....Maybe bring a couple single girl friends...

[BeStrongBeHappy]

My issue with this is not that he spends time with his friends, but that he always reserves prime weekend time for his buddies every single weekend and forces her into weekday time.

 

People spend prime time with those that matter most to them, and squeeze in those that don't matter as much to other times. He's also basically telling her his buddies are his top priority because he is not being flexible and willing to see her on weekends at all. He has everything compartmentalized to his liking, not hers.

 

He has too much control in the relationship, and she is left to take whatever he gives her rather than negotiating with her to make them both happy. If he can't even give her one weekend day/night (and spend another weeknight with some of the friends or on his own), then he just doesn't care whether she is happy or not. That is a big red flag.

[angellight]

Totally Agree...Your soooo smart.... Thats why she should get one weekend night every other week...

[Circe]

I havent really experienced the need for guy time from my H myself (but then we've only been together for 2 years). Every now and then (maybe once every 3 weeks) he'll have a lunch thing with some guy friends - or an after work drinks thing.

 

He'll always invite me along. I used to go - but now that we're married - I tell him to go by himself and just enjoy the time with "just guys" or some time without me!

 

I do that for me just as much as I do it for him.

 

However - that's kind of different from Fridays AND saturdays EVERY week.

 

Is it just the night times that he wants that arrangement? Personally, I'd be ok with it if it wasnt a "fixed" every week thing and it was always secondary to us getting quality time together.

 

What is it that you did to "ruin" things this weekend, if you don't mind me asking?

[faithful14]

i kind of had a similar problem like this but to a lesser extent...i liked planning things to do with my boyfriend on certain days of the week while he's more of the spontaneous type. I used to nag him about spending time with me and would get upset if he wanted to hang out with his friends.

 

I realized that guys do need to have their own time where they can freely go and hang out with their buddies and drinkor whatever it is they want to do. I noticed when i didn't nag my boyfriend to spend time with me and left him alone, he came back making plans to be with me.

 

So i changed my approach with him( took control of the situation). I stopped depending on him so much and started making plans for myself. When he realized that I was making all these plans that didn't include him, he started to make plans in advance to see me a lot more often. Myabe that will work with your boyfriend too. Good luck!

[nrgiles]

I absolutly agree with you guys. I do feel like im his second priority and i told him that before and he told me that im not. He says if i was his second priority then he would see me less then his friends like during the weekend instead of all week. As i stated before, he basically lives with me. Hes with me from the time he gets off of work until he gets up in the morning. I love the fact that hes with me all week but when friday comes, i dont see him until sunday. Even though hes with me all week, its hard to do anything together due to me in class and his band practice. But usually Thrusdays we spend all day together (go out to dinner, grab some movies). But its almost like he doesnt know what i want rather then care. I dont know how to make him understand. This is his first serious relationship also and he dont understand what a relationship consists off. I know i probably deserve better but i can't leave him. I love him so much. He makes me happy more then he doesnt. So far our weeks been fantastic, and he did give me one day during the weekend but i almost had to beg for it. This is the only real problem/issue in the relationship and i am willing to do all i can to make it work. What things can I say to make him see the "relationship responisbilities", how a relationship cant be "scheduled" and when he wants it? Its hard to explain!

[Rabican]

if there's one thing i've learned while dating my boyfriend (together for 2 years now), it's that guys need their space and "guy time". why do you need to spend 7 days a week with him? i think 2 days on the weekends to spend with his friends is not unreasonable at all. seriously, if you give him space you both will be much happier. trust me. next time he leaves to spend a day or two with his friends, just give him a kiss and tell him to have fun. i promise you he will be much more willing to spend time with you if you do this rather than nag him and make him feel bad every time he goes to hang out with his friends.

 

 

wow do you have that right. I work full time, and my fiance is a stay at home mom now (we have a 4 month old) I come home from work, and Im home. I do a few things during the week, maybe go to Judo practice a night or two, and I like to get out maybe one day to go fishing. She complains that shes stuck all day with the Kid... but she doesnt take the initiative to take him out to the beach, the park, walk around the block etc. meanwhile Im STUCK at work all week. I CANT go anywhere but WORK when Im on the clock.

 

So when I do want to go do something without her its like a constant nag battle. she wants me home, I want to do the 'guy thing' whatever that may be, throw people at judo, go fishing, ride my bike etc. Her response, you dont love me because you dont want to spend time with me AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

 

Its infuriating. I love her, but cmon.... realize that us guys WILL GO INSANE if we dont get out and hang out with the other guys, or just get outside and get our hands dirty or something.

[nrgiles]

I understand guys need their space and of course, sometimes i need my alone time but thats not the issuse. Its when he wants it. Its like a schedule with him. he doesnt do it here and there whenever he wants to hang out with his friends, its only during the weekends and im stuck by myself.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

>>I dont know how to make him understand.

 

The problem is he doesn't want to understand, he wants to do things according to his own schedule rather than negotiating with you and accomodating you.

 

By not negotiating, he is basically saying his needs are more important than your needs, and you can take it or leave it. He most likely knows that you won't leave him over this because you are more invested in the relationship than he is, so he is choosing to be selfish rather than rearranging his schedule to shift some of his buddy time to the weeknights in order to give you a day/night on the weekend.

 

You need to be point blank honest with him and tell him that it isn't fair for him to expect you to spend you prime weekend time all alone every weekend. He needs to consider your feelings and give you one night/day, and rearrange his buddy time to take one weeknight evening. So he won't be getting less time with them, just a different time, and you will be happier being able to date and socialize on weekends with him.

 

If he won't do that, then frankly he doesn't really love you that much and is making a clear statement that he doesn't care if you're happy or not. And if he can't commit to spending some weekend time with you, then he's not grown up enough to have a steady girlfriend.

 

Quit hanging around with him like you're an old married couple during the week while he gets all of the perks of being in a relationship while getting to act like he's single on the weekends with his buddies. He has no incentive to change his choices because he knows he's in control of the relationship and you'll just go along with him being selfish. Perhaps if he realizes he isn't entitled to the benefits of a girlfriend if he doesn't behave like a good boyfriend, he'll come around. But if he doesn't, then you have to decide whether you're willing to tolerate this or not. To be honest, most men would not expect this of you, they'd want to see their buddies, but they wouldn't dump you for the entire weekend either!

[katarina6]

as i continue to read this thread, i see nrgiles is getting stronger in her standpoint and not doubting herself as much and i think that's great.

 

yesterday i spoke to my ex about getting back together and he wanted it only on his terms. this post is really helping me not fall back into that. I don't need it! We both deserve better and they are only looking out for themselves.

[mikem]

I agree with above points 100%. At some point you are going to make a stand. This isn't just about needing some 'space'. This is about you being a priority in this relationship and being willing to comprise and negociate for the sake of the relationship. If he's not willing to negotiate on this issue, I would definantly say he's not worth it.

 

I understand people are dynamic and can change, but he's taking you for granted. I had the same situation with the lady I was having a long-distance relationship. The key thing that I realized was that she was unwilling to budge or negociate on the issue, even though it was heading toward the 'brink'. It was a highly negociable issue, that she put under the 'non-negociable' category. At that point I knew it was time to go.

 

As Harry Truman said: "Some questions can't be answered, but they can be decided'. I looked at my situation and asked myself: "Is it time to hold or time to fold'. Painfully, but by faith, I realized it was time to fold.

 

I know it's hard to see past this relationship, but he must be willing to negociate. Otherwise, he's not WORTHY of you and not MATURE enough for you. This is an indicator of some deeper issues of a lack of commitment and maturity. I don't believe love can just 'be shut off'. You would think they would WANT to see you. I understand wanting some space once in awhile, but to scheduale it every weekend, honey, SOMETHING ISN'T RIGHT.

 

I wish you the best and my prayers are with you.

[Rabican]

I understand guys need their space and of course, sometimes i need my alone time but thats not the issuse. Its when he wants it. Its like a schedule with him. he doesnt do it here and there whenever he wants to hang out with his friends, its only during the weekends and im stuck by myself.

 

Yeah in regards to your post I think your man is a little out of line... excluding you from weekends is a bad thing. And saying that spending time with you is a 'waste of time' is also bad. I was merely pointing out that regardless of how much we love you, we still need some time away from you, and time out of the house.

[roctown]

It is a guy thing. It is in his genetic make-up that he needs time away from you (independence). He can't help it any more than he can help having to use the toilet.

 

If you want to see him on the weekend, let him have some space during the week. It could be that his friends are only available for guy-time on weekends, which also wouldn't have anything to do with anything really.

 

You need to get busy in your own life, ie, find things to do that make you happy/productive and don't involve him. Being independent of you once in a while is something he can't avoid or control. Trust me, he isn't consciously trying to send you any messages or break up with you or anything like that.

[mikem]

It is a guy thing. It is in his genetic make-up that he needs time away from you (independence). He can't help it any more than he can help having to use the toilet.

 

If you want to see him on the weekend, let him have some space during the week. It could be that his friends are only available for guy-time on weekends, which also wouldn't have anything to do with anything really.

 

You need to get busy in your own life, ie, find things to do that make you happy/productive and don't involve him. Being independent of you once in a while is something he can't avoid or control. Trust me, he isn't consciously trying to send you any messages or break up with you or anything like that.

 

 

I don't 100% agree with this above statement. I'm a guy and I've been in relationships where I needed space, however, when the love is there you want to be with them. Also, over time you realize that the weekend is really your time together and you have to make that sacrifice if you want to maintain the relationship with the woman you are with.

 

This to me is a more of a 'maturity' thing and 'selfishness' thing, then a 'guy thing'. Again, being a 'guy', I've needed my space and wanted to spend time with friends. However, I knew better then to exclude a girlfriend from my weekends!

 

I was in a long-distance relationship with a lady who was doing the same thing. She'd want to keep in touch Mon-Thursday and then didn't want to keep in touch Friday - Sunday. Eventually I had to end it, because, hey, 'either we are together or we are not'.

 

Again, I understand a guys need for space, but I've experience a woman doing the same thing over the weekend. Put in the proper context, it wasn't a 'guy' or a 'gal' thing, but a selfishness thing.

 

Eventually you have to evaluate whether it's worth your time to continue in a relationship.

 

Some of the strategies of cutting down time with the guy on the weekday, might be a good idea. However, if they are hard headed and selfish and unwilling to change, I guess you'll find out if it makes a difference. I would trust your gut whether you think this will really work. I had people counsel me to give the lady I was dating 'more time', but in my gut I knew there were deeper issues and I knew that the sooner I moved on the better.

 

Take the counsel of others, but trust your gut, because you are closest to the situation and know the context and dynamics of this person.

 

He sounds immature. As mentioned, you might consider cutting down time with him on the weekdays. Also you might tell him that unless you are able to spend time with him on the weekends, you are going to need to explore other options. If cutting down time on the weekdays doesn't work and you've been frank with him that this could actually end the relationship, and he still doesn't change, you might consider moving on.

 

I personally think you might consider just moving on, but this could be away to know for sure whether you want to be with him. Look at it as a potential 'phase out' plan with the possibility of a turning point.

 

You are going to have to force the issue, because he sounds comfortable with the situation. It's working for him, but absolutely not working for you and if he's 'worth his salt', he'd be considerate of you and want to establish a 'win-win' situation.

 

If he is unwilling to change, I say move on. I know you love the guy, but there is a better situation for you out there at some point.

 

Sometimes you can have chemistry with someone, but lack compatibility. You need both for the long-haul.

 

If you decide to move on, make sure to have 'no contact' for awhile so you can heal. It's emotionally tumultous right now, but the healing of your soul eventually begins to manifest if you'll determine to move forward.

 

God bless...