How long should one wait?

[penelope13]

So you have a communication phobia. There are courses where you can learn techniques and role play with the other participants - with a script!!!!

 

BTW: what do you imagine people want to talk about? You think people outside work don't talk about daily politics, the weather, TV, computer games,....?

 

These are a number of questions with which you can never go wrong to open a conversation

-what's your name

-where do you come from

- what do you do for a living

- what hobbies do you have

- do you have siblings

- do you like to travel

 

maybe these are not the most original questions, but they are safe.

 

I also noticed that you quoted a number of books - also something you can talk about.

 

So enough with the excuses. Go out start talking to people in person.

 

If you can't overcome your fear by yourself: TAKE A COURSE!! Get some therapy.

 

 

Apply your intelligence.

 

In your own world inside your head, you think you have played through all the scenarios possible, but actually you don't allow yourself to imagine that people want to say something back. Give people a chance to proof you wrong.

[Qut81]

These activites dont ensure being with someone, but it does put you in the position. Especially, if you are in a positive setting. Not only will it put you in the position to meet people, but it will make you feel better about yourself and your life. Helping others helps yourself.

 

I know Im a little late in the discussion but this post broke my heart. Someone once told me something that totally changed my perception on suicide. What if you die and end up living in eternity miserable just like you are now? What if there really is a hell and you end up going there bc of taking your own life? You never know what happens after death and death doesnt necessarily means an end to your suffering. Just an end to your suffering in this life.

[youngpup]

What if you die and end up living in eternity miserable just like you are now? What if there really is a hell and you end up going there bc of taking your own life? You never know what happens after death and death doesnt necessarily means an end to your suffering. Just an end to your suffering in this life.

 

If there is a hell, then i'm already going there.

[youngpup]

i keep thinking i wish i had someone to talk to about all this.

 

But then i remember that that's nothing to say.

 

i just want to go away.

[NightLily]

This makes me feel totally hopeless.

 

I wish I could help you but I can't even save myself

[chicagogirl]

Through reading all your rebuttals of all the suggestions that concerned people have for you, I must say you have the worst attitude I have ever encountered for someone that is seeking other people's advice. It seems you have already made up your mind that nothing good will ever happen and you will never fall in love. From the looks of it you haven't done any really hard work to find a solution to the multitudes of problems you have. People with far worse afflictions than yours have overcome their obstacles. Only people that don't even try are the ones that fail. So unless you are willing to love yourself and work on yourself FOR yourself, you are right: you have no chance of finding someone that will love you. Who would love someone who has so little regard for their own life? All I read is excuse after excuse after excuse.

 

"He can who thinks he can, and he can't who thinks he can't. This is an inexorable, indisputable law."--Orison Swett Marden

[lucidloser]

Well you seem pretty articulate to me, I can't see why you'd be unable to carry on a conversation... I know the problem isn't that you're stupid - you already said that, but : didn't you say you talk to your co-workers all the time about games and stuff?

 

Why is a love-interest (or your parents) different?

 

 

Most people at social gatherings I have a hard time talking to, because it's all useless babbling. Or everyone is talking about sports or games or something else I have no interest in. And people say to me "Why so quiet?" and i'm just thinking "What the hell, I could MAKE UP RANDOM S*** to say if you really want, because I have nothing genuine to say in this situation".

 

But sometimes it just works out with people. 1 in a million people I get super comfortable around and the words just flow instead of me awkwardly peicing together some chit chat, barely knowing what i'm saying.

 

I would suggest more of the internet thing! I know you've been doing it, but do it MORE! Find someone with a common problem, or interests like games...find the female you. I'm sure you have more thoughts in you than videogames and work. Anything you have a thought on will do... tv, movies, interesting internet things, facts, feelings, thoughts on life, thoughts about other people, books, what you like to eat for breakfast...

 

It doesn't always have to be terrible and awkward and a chore. If you find a girl, ask her something you want to know. If you never know what to say, ask a random question. Any question at all...and then when she gives her response, tell her what YOU think.

"That's a nice shirt"

"Thanks"

".............hey, do you like playdoh?"

"Playdoh?! Wow I haven't used that since I was a kid"

"I know, that stuff was the best"

"You wanna go buy some?"

"Sure!"

 

Easier said than done, but only barely.

and you never know will it will lead. Hahah.

[youngpup]

you have the worst attitude I have ever encountered for someone that is seeking other people's advice

 

Read the original post again. Pay special attention to the Note at the bottom.

 

You have no chance of finding someone that will love you

 

i know it. i know it.

 

Update: And just to clarify my point. i know you're not lying. i know you're not being overly dramatic, or trying to scare me. You're just speaking the truth. You're just speaking plainly how it in reality is. And after thinking about this subject for years, i knew it too.

[youngpup]

I would suggest more of the internet thing! I know you've been doing it, but do it MORE! Find someone with a common problem, or interests like games...find the female you.

 

i do to the internet thing! That's what i've been doing. i hang around online. There's even a girl who talks to me nearly every day.

 

So i'm still hanging around. Waiting. Hoping. But i'm not waiting forever. i gave myself a time limit.

 

It doesn't always have to be terrible and awkward and a chore. If you find a girl, ask her something you want to know. If you never know what to say, ask a random question. Any question at all...and then when she gives her response, tell her what YOU think.

 

That only works for a few months, eventually they catch on that you have no idea what to say.

[NightLily]

What would you say to somebody else who is ready to go?

[youngpup]

What would you say to somebody else who is ready to go?

 

Oh i can't say. i'd get banned for speaking honestly here about serious subjects.

[Anotherday]

Dear youngpup,

 

In one of your earlier posts you mentioned you wouldn't find anyone doing volunteer work or charity. Well, that is how I met the person I want next to me at my deathbed. He has a smile that will light up a room and an energy that is incredible.

 

Unfortunately, we always had a rocky relationship. He's said he'll stop by this weekend and I could always hope for a miracle, but I digress. My point is you never know who is going to be around the corner. I volunteered to save me and to help others. I was in a deep depression and just getting up once a week literally saved me. It got me out of ME.

 

I've been suicidal on and off my whole life and I am 49 now. There were several times I contemplated suicide but I promised myself my parents would have to be dead first. Well, they are now 87 and 93 and I've kept my promise. I don't know what the future holds. Neither do you. There is meaning in life but at times we have to try real hard to find it. I do wish you the best and perhaps volunteering could lead to renewed hope for you. If nothing else, it's a real eye opener and sure puts things into perspective.

 

AD

 

eta: Now I have read the whole thread. I agree that you really need to seek professional help. If you aren't willing to do this you are dead on right - nothing WILL ever change. With help maybe things STILL won't change, but you'll at least know you tried. BTW, you have actually helped me today and today has NOT been a good day for me.

[king6]

you have nothing to loose, and feel you have nothing to live for. Then Id start taking some risk's and throwing your self out on a limb.

Just think of all the times you could have said something, and it could have led to something else. Even if it was something stupid.

 

You dont need to be a jabber mouth to talk to women, you just need to know how to ask questions, and answer questions. Your thinking to hard.

 

Ask them things about their selves, give them compliments, make up a story if you have to, tell a joke.. Carry on a conversation with more questions, maybe you will find something out about someone that interest you.

You still have opportunity.

I felt the same as you do, at one point in my life. Your problem might be that your being to selective.

[youngpup]

What would you say to somebody else who is ready to go?

 

i don't know what your demons are, but they're almost certainly not the same as mine.

 

If i was a girl i wouldn't be single. Create a profile on plentyOfFish, and by tomorrow you'll have 13 messages.

 

As a test i changed my profile from "boy" to "girl", took away the picture, and got more messages in one day than i had in the previous two years (zero). Talk about having to play with a handicap.

[youngpup]

BTW, you have actually helped me today and today has NOT been a good day for me.

 

How did i do that; or do i want to know?

[NightLily]

i don't know what your demons are, but they're almost certainly not the same as mine.

 

If i was a girl i wouldn't be single. Create a profile on plentyOfFish, and by tomorrow you'll have 13 messages.

 

As a test i changed my profile from "boy" to "girl", took away the picture, and got more messages in one day than i had in the previous two years (zero). Talk about having to play with a handicap.

 

Yeah, I guess the thing is that being single or in a relationship makes little difference to me. Something like that wouldn't be able to get me down because if I was in a relationship I would just see it as a plus. I have way bigger fish to fry.

 

Do you think you have other problems bigger than your dating issues (plus friendships?)

[Anotherday]

How did i do that; or do i want to know?

 

You made me feel less alone, believe it or not. You represent the great human desire to not be alone. Now, I am alone and maybe I always will be. I hope not. There's a saying: "I wouldn't want to be a member of a club that would have me right now."

 

See, right now I am not in the best of mental health. To this end I take my meds, go to my therapist and psychiatrist. I give myself credit for my tenacity. My shrink said this much. He said many people like me give up and I've been with him for five years. He has hung in there with me too. It's been a two way street. In the end, I must know I did all I could do before leaving this world. You reminded me of that. I hope you'll do the same.

[Anotherday]

i don't know what your demons are, but they're almost certainly not the same as mine.

 

If i was a girl i wouldn't be single. Create a profile on plentyOfFish, and by tomorrow you'll have 13 messages.

 

As a test i changed my profile from "boy" to "girl", took away the picture, and got more messages in one day than i had in the previous two years (zero). Talk about having to play with a handicap.

 

Not true at all. I was on a singles site recently. Sure, I got a lot of responses. The ONE guy I hooked up with turned out to be a crack addict. First time in my life EVER the neighbors called the police to come to my house.

 

I think you are mistaken in your beliefs.

[youngpup]

Do you think you have other problems bigger than your dating issues (plus friendships?)

 

Based on what everyone has said on here i apparently do.

 

What are your demons?

 

The only advice i can give is take some measure of comfort knowing things will never better. i mentioned it a few weeks ago, and thanked whoever it was, that after everyone agreeing that i'll never be with someone, it calmed me down. i survived for quite a while being dead inside, and just waiting. When more recent events stirred thoughts of hope i needed support of guys in this forum to put me back to reality.

 

And i've been calmer in the weeks since.

[youngpup]

He said many people like me give up and I've been with him for five years.

 

This might be an awkward question, and don't take it the wrong way, but:

 

Five years?

[youngpup]

I think you are mistaken in your beliefs.

 

Mmmmmm, no.

 

If i was a girl i would have dozens or hundreds of guys to interview, even weeding out the:

• crack addicts
  
• guys with no self-confidence, no self-esteem who hate themselves, and pin all their hopes of happiness on having a relationship
  

 

As a guy, on a singles site, i get no women to interview.

 

 

If 100% of what it takes is talking to people - then, as a woman on a singles site, i would be doing that. As i guy i am not.

[NightLily]

Based on what everyone has said on here i apparently do.

 

What are your demons?

 

The only advice i can give is take some measure of comfort knowing things will never better. i mentioned it a few weeks ago, and thanked whoever it was, that after everyone agreeing that i'll never be with someone, it calmed me down. i survived for quite a while being dead inside, and just waiting. When more recent events stirred thoughts of hope i needed support of guys in this forum to put me back to reality.

 

And i've been calmer in the weeks since.

 

If I honestly thought my situation was never going to get better I would pick myself off right now.

[Anotherday]

This might be an awkward question, and don't take it the wrong way, but:

 

Five years?

 

Oh, I don't take it the wrong way at all I am a fighter. My mental and physical health have to come before a relationship or I am no good in a relationship. I've also had to do some reaching out to people just as friends. Yeah, there will be the small talk conversations, but one has to go through that in order to get to the in-depth conversations. I am not sure if you have ever heard of or taken the Myers Briggs (there is a mini version online), but I am an INFP. This means I am introverted and prefer fewer relationships with greater depth. I too tire of all the BS - how was your day, how is work, etc. By they are what we do in the society to get to the more substantive discussions.

 

My issues are a bit different than yours, in that I battle both bipolar disorder and a drinking problem. I only wish I were in your situation, as all I'd have to do would be to take some classes in social skills and force myself to get out there. If I were you I would also be in counseling to improve my self esteem. Assuming your social awkwardness and self esteem are your only two issues to deal with, you are light years beyond me and I say this in all sincerity. I have a string of failed relationships behind me and I don't know that this is any better than being in your shoes. If you think you have a lot of failed attempts behind you, well, I must have at least 30, yet I won't give up on true love either - someday. I must get me squared away first.

 

My philosophy is don't give up, even though I do vent at times. There is always another drug to try, therapist to see, shrink to see. As long as I am breathing, I must force myself to try to move forward and not give up the good fight!

[NightLily]

If you think you have a lot of failed attempts behind you, well, I must have at least 30

 

Sorry, but I am just curious. Every time were you hospitalized? Did you keep doing the same thing that failed every time?

 

I am just sort of stunned you don't have serious brain damage or something after so many tries.

[youngpup]

If I honestly thought my situation was never going to get better I would pick myself off right now.

 

Yes, but what are your demons?