I don't know how much more I can take...

[LonelyMoondancer]

Oh yeah, I remember thinking I was useless awhile ago, and I remember a time when my mom thought she was useless to the family. It's truly awful but thankfully we both know that just like anyone else, we're important to someone.

The reasons you list for why depression can hit anyone of any age are interesting, ellandroader. It's very true but it's hard to believe that depression even hits people outside of those problems; people who seem to have everything and can't place a finger on what's missing. Sometimes what's no big deal to one person is everything to another.

I know it's ridiculous because I've been doing pretty well these last few days but I'm starting to panic. I have a big paper to write and I want to get most of it down today, several days early. But I'm worried that I won't do well regardless, and now I've got the same bad attitude about the course in which I failed my test. I really don't think I'll be able to take it if I fail yet again. I have so much work to do in addition to studying for the next few tests, and I have to read about a dozen or so novels in a month because I read them all halfway throughout the year- I'm horrible at concentration/time management when it comes to reading, which I used to do with such ease. I just get depressed at the idea of sitting in one place and quietly reading for more than five or ten minutes. I'm doing my best to be hopeful but it's so hard this weekend. I came home and my parents have been so wonderful; it felt so great to see how much I mean to them and it was encouraging at first. My mom snuck up behind me and then clutched me and gave me like a million kisses lol, and said she wished I lived with her again. It makes me wish I could just stay at home, but that would be going backwards and I'm doing fine living on my own. I can take care of myself, but ever since my depression took this deep dip I don't even want to. I'd love to talk to someone but I should be trying to write my paper, I think it could be really good if I could focus. I did it on poetry so I wouldn't have to do it on any of the books I never read lol.

Hope you guys are doing better than I am at the moment. Hopefully I snap out of it though, I always get like this when I'm stressed out.

[top bloke]

As long as you do the best you can it is all you can ask of yourself. Dont panic. Failure isnt a great thing but it is part of life sometimes so dont let it get you down.

Just do the best you can and dont focus on fear but the reward of doing things well.

[LonelyMoondancer]

If I come back here later it means I've been distracted lol. Tonight's a long night of essay writing, it's going to be awful but hopefully I can focus and do it. That's all I really feel like saying. I don't think anyone's here but I just felt like writing something anyway before I try.

[top bloke]

hahah..Thought we forgot about you...nar..still reading this thread...what took you sooo long..lol Good luck with the essays.

[LonelyMoondancer]

Lol my parents kept me so busy out and about over the weekend because they don't like when I sit at home for too long, they think it's bad for me, so I haven't had time. It was nice to be distracted and now I'm in the same boat. I'm working, extremely slowly but I am working and trying not to take too many breaks. My friend and I had plans to have dinner before doing homework and she said she was on her way, but that was over an hour ago and now she won't answer her phone. I don't know whether to be annoyed at her or worried about her. It's both though. If something came up it wouldn't kill her to let me know. Yet I'm still worried. And somehow I'm annoyed that she's making me worry I have a paper to worry about and I've been trying really hard since last week. I guess there's nothing to do though so I'll have to forget about her I can only worry about so much at once.

How are you and how's your wife?

[top bloke]

She is good She has been ok that I can see.She keeps busy too when the problem comes back a bit. It must help to be busy. I had a day off today and tonight I am cooking

Its good to hear from you uou know Yes focus on your papers for now and hopefully shes ok. We can only focus on one thing at a time. Time will reveal what happened with your friend..but given her track record you are wise to focus on the work..Good decision...you are focusing on one thing at a time which shows your mind is not as cluttered as well.

[ellandroader]

LMD...hope the paper is going well I think your parents did a good thing there in kepping you busy, they are right. That said, when you are worried/anxious or whatnot, it it sometimes good to just sit for a bit and stew it over, get rid of it and draw some conclusions.

 

How are you feeling otherwise?

 

TopBloke - glad the lady is feeling better! What did you cook for dinner?

[LonelyMoondancer]

How are you ellandroader and top bloke!

I finished the paper at five this morning and slept for two hours, that was no fun. My mind kept wandering away but hopefully it's a good paper, writing's my strength thankfully, at least I like to think lol, so at least I knew what I was doing. I have another one to write tonight so I definitely need a nap or something.

I was holding up okay these last few days and today was just awful. Maybe I'm just grumpy because I'm tired but still, it stank.

I have an appointment tomorrow, I kind of don't even want to go anymore. I don't even know what to do anymore, I think maybe I don't need help, I just need to somehow suck it up and live whether or not it's enjoyable. Even when I try for a few days I end up having one absolutely terrible day after and I don't know if it's worth it, maybe I should just go with the flow every day and hope things get better or that I become more appreciative or something. I don't even know what I'll say at my appointment tomorrow, my counsellor can't help it if my friends are awful and that I'm growing dumber by the day.

[top bloke]

But you are moving forward go to the counsellor tommowrow. Its got to help somewhat having someone to talk to in the flesh as well I would think... I think your tired from that amazing effort doing your paper.Good on you. I have the flu at the moment and so the world is not as nicer place either.I geuss it comes with the territory of exhaustion so when you get a chance..get some rest.. I really think tiredness and late nights do take their toll so we cant take it to heart.

Ellandroader is spot on..dont dwell on it ..move it aside and carry on..Gidday ellandroader.

[LonelyMoondancer]

I don't think I'm actually moving forward, I think I just got caught up in pretending to be. I always fall back to square one though. Today was exhausting, embarrassing and lonely. And I could very well doze off during my appointment, I'll have had about four hours of sleep in forty-eight hours I'm thinking. I don't usually do this but today I couldn't focus for my life. This paper's turning out crappy compared to yesterday but whatever, as long as it gets done. Unfortunately I can't be picky with how my work turns out because I'm lucky I even get them done on time.

I will go tomorrow and tell you guys I guess. Thanks for putting up with me I don't mean to be a grouch but I feel almost as bad as before I started this thread, something just has to change and I don't know what or how.

[top bloke]

Just do your best..cant ask for more than that.4 hours sleep in 48 hours is a big effort and very minimal rest. I think you are just cycling back a bit at the moment.Keep posting though... Let us know .You sound exhausted ...try and get some rest if possible..tiredness does not help the cause.

[LonelyMoondancer]

Hello hello,

My morning class was cancelled and my appointment was cancelled, so in other words I could have slept more but didn't. I had four hours of sleep last night and didn't even finish the paper, but I'm almost done and will hand it in on time. My counsellor was sick, and I know she has her own life but I've been feeling awful these past few days and really needed it today.

I was telling my mom yesterday that I'm sick of all my friends, and she actually said I don't need friends, because I have a good family. She didn't have many friends when she was my age so she thinks it's okay, but I was kind of expecting her to point out that I was wrong. I have lots of friends, I just don't like them anymore. They cause me more disappointment and heartache than joy. And I have a horrible of habit of desperately crawling back at the slightest perk. Today I randomly had breakfast with a girl in one of my classes, we did that during our cancelled class time and it was actually kind of nice. How is it that I enjoy the company of people I'm not that close to more than those that I've known a long time lately? Anyway just four hours until I can take the biggest nap of my life!

Hope all is well with you.

[ellandroader]

I think when it comes to people closer to you, they can hurt you more. It's easy to take it personally when things don't quite go as you expect. Perhaps too that the closer you get and the longer you know them, you lose that dependance on them. I speak to my best friend twice a month and that's it. Partly that is because I am 4,000 miles from home but still, when you meet new people it is exciting and something different. Perhaps that is why you enjoy it. At school, kids tend to do that when they get a new friend, and invest in them a bit more. A true friendship will last beyond everything.

 

Hope you feel better today LMD.

[top bloke]

LMD people who arent as close give us a more objective unbiased view.. Tell you a secret...shhh hehe .In my life I have only 3 friends. See each other 3 times a year but they are worth it .Had them for 33 years. Of course here I now have quite a few online friends as well.. So mum is right...you have family and us guys here just trying to help out and listen x

[ellandroader]

LMD people who arent as close give us a more objective unbiased view.. Tell you a secret...shhh hehe .In my life I have only 3 friends. See each other 3 times a year but they are worth it .Had them for 33 years. Of course here I now have quite a few online friends as well.. So mum is right...you have family and us guys here just trying to help out and listen x

 

I have physically seen my best mate once in the past five years, due to the distance. But whenever we talk or whatnot, you could never tell.

 

That's one reason why a counsellor can help too - someone to be a friend, unbiased, rational, outside the situation etc.

[LonelyMoondancer]

Yeah, I like telling her things and getting her input, I don't know if she can be seen as a friend though. I think I come accross as unlikeable to her actually. I know I'm not unlikeable when I usually meet people, people are almost always pleasant when I meet them because I try to be friendly, but I can't help but be grumpy with someone who only knows my sad side.

I had another crappy day. My mom tried to open my eyes with the death of Natasha Richardson. I feel horribly about that death, especially because I had a ski accident years ago and it felt sickeningly familiar, but my mom ended up making me feel worse. She went all, "you're young, you're healthy, you have so many friends, you're at a good school, why can't you live each day like your last?" I felt awful because she's right, but I really don't mean to be this way. I just need time off from everything but I have a month to go and it's just killing me to continue the whole routine right now.

And I really sort of wish I was friendless right now. Aside from you guys and my family I mean, or I wouldn't be able to carry on. But I mean that I wish I could cut off my school friends but I can't, although they're totally getting on my nerves. The one I call my best friend always asks how I'm feeling and now I regret having told her, because she's just asking dutifully. After she asks how I am I ask her the same and she smiles and goes, "I'm stressed too... but I just deal with it, that's life." And her best guy friend's new girlfriend continues to talk to her, interrupting our dinners to talk ONLY to her while completely snubbing me. Back to my best friend though, she made some stupid speech to me about how I shouldn't lose touch with God and all that, when I said I didn't want to come to some religious event. I told her I didn't feel it would be right for me to go when I'm not sure what I believe at the moment and she totally got all judgemental and said that she was raised to always go, and that I should at least try. It made me mad.

My other friend who I thought was a best friend last year, the one who never wants to meet up with me unless she happens to already be in the area, called me yesterday asking if I would be free today. I forced myself to sound enthusiastic because I thought she was suggesting getting together, and she was all, "Oh, not that, I was wondering if you wanted to take part in blah blah blah." She said it nicer than that of course, but it was still rude I thought. Today it hit her that it was cold and she sent a facebook message asking when I'm free next week to eat, and she listed all the times she has class near my dorm. I haven't responded yet. I don't really want to, but if I do I want to say something cold like, I'm always free around lunchtime and we can eat wherever, it's up to you. Thing is I'm always willing to meet people halfway or pull time out of my schedule for them, but she will only see me if it's convenient, and she is always willing to hang out with her mean housemates who are actually really snobby with me and my best friend, the one I mentioned above. I have confronted her and she's always had a dumb excuse, and then it makes me look like I'm desperate to hang out with her when really I just don't like the way she acts like my best friend one minute and an * * * * * * * the next. I always fall for it and she knows I always will.

And lastly there's a clingy friend. I should be appreciative that someone likes my company I know, and I am. But I'm in no mood for hanging out these days. I told her several times I was exhausted from only having a few hours of sleep three nights in a row, and she couldn't get it through her head and kept insisting I meet her accross campus for food. I met her for lunch and she insisted the exact stupid place for dinner too, when I already saw her once today. I felt guilted into going and made it outside when she called asking where I was (I ran late because I was dreading going) and I lied and said I'd fallen asleep, which was only a half lie. Then she went all, "Oh sweetie I didn't know you were that tired, are you sure you want to come all the way over just for me? Obviously I ended up not going.

Okay sorry I know I just wrote a novel but I don't journal lately, it takes too long and I get tired. I don't expect anyone to read this huge thing but whatever. Hope you're well.

[top bloke]

Well I just read you novel. Not long to go to finish eh? Well thats going to be a huge load off you then. I think it will be time for rest and relaxation..Youve been going long hours. You may be feeling pain right now but you know what..we both know without sacrifice we cannot appreciate the fruits of victory. We have to endure pain sometimes just to get there.Once there a weight will lift from you because you did it. keep at it..finish it...you are riding that last wave to the end of that course. Friends right now just get in the way of what you must finish..muster your courage...

[LonelyMoondancer]

I had counselling today and we both agreed we were making progress. The conversation was extremely scattered but for the first time I didn't feel too awful after talking to her. I'm lucky to have found someone so nice, she is nothing like the people I talked to in the past who either disregarded my concerns or backstabbed me. Only thing I worry about, is that she doesn't take notes, hasn't made plans for cognitive behavioural therapy or anything of the sort, doesn't do exercises with me, etc like the backstabbing psychologist had planned for me. Maybe once I start talking to someone after school's out I can find someone who is not just a counselor.

Tomorrow I am seeing my family doctor again. I was told by my counselor to ask for sleeping medication to help regulate my sleeping. She feels that I'm an insomniac. I don't know what to think of that, I worry they'll make me more tired or that I'll become dependent on them. But maybe then I won't take so many naps.

[ellandroader]

Hey LMD...don't worry about your counsellor not taking notes. Some do, some don't. The first one I saw didn't take any. The second only takes a few. Some take lots. They may think at this point that you just need to let off some steam and they are trying to form a 'profile' in their mind of you, thus giving you their full attention. Giving you CBT right now, when you don't quite understand what's making you click (trust me, it is never the most obvious cause), will not help because you may not actively combat the problem that way. It will take a little while to identify the root of the problems.

 

I am glad though that you are seeking assistance. Trust me, I was reluctant at first because it would be like accepting your fate and that you have a problem. But you are doing the right thing and I do believe that you will come out the other end better for it.

 

All the best madam

 

Topbloke...how's it going? Having a good weekend?

[top bloke]

I just got back from a big family party...it was just great... I have just one beer in my hand and thats all i need..one. Its like 1pm here and its all good. I am glad to hear lmd's tone change in the last message.

Lmd... Its good to hear that counselling went well for the first time...this is progress ..good.

I have to agree that you do need sleep as well though..4 hours vs 48 hours work is too little sleep..id say just try them to rest...

[LonelyMoondancer]

Thanks ellandroader, that was helpful. I'm also glad we've both gone ahead to get help. I'm hoping it's worthwhile, I have faith.

And thanks for the encouragement top bloke, I'm trying. I am home right now and have been sleeping way too much. I slept so much I didn't make it to the doctor's... oops... but there's always next weekend. I'm starting to feel less stressed because I don't have many assignments to complete anymore. I have like seventeen novels to read because I never read them throughout the year but I don't mind somehow. It is possible to sit down and read them, I'll make myself somehow. Still bummed if not that stressed, but I don't care because a tiny part of me is happy somehow. It doesn't really make sense. I'm mostly sad, but I feel like a change of environment is not far off and I care a bit more than last week about what happens to me. Hopefully it only goes up from here, my mood seems to fluctuate a lot.

How were your weekends, both of you?

[top bloke]

All good down here ....Sunday night and im thinking about work tomorrow.. I am glad those assgnments are over lmd..one less thing to worry about.. Those sleeping pills sound a bit strong. Do you think the dose may be too high?

It is a good thing that the positivity slips in as well..it seems your looking forward to the changes heading your way. This is a good thing. Hope things are going better for yourself and ellandroader... I am happy to hang around and hopefully help by just being here and offering what i can...

Tb

[ellandroader]

LMD...you are welcome. It also sounds like that you are accepting the challenge ahead and the goals you need to achieve to make yourself succeed. If you are less stressed, of course it's a good thing! Just take time to get to know your counsellour and if you feel they are not right, remember there are many out there. I think most of them are very good, but it's like making friends. You still have to click somehow, once you do, it becomes easier to talk about your stuff.

 

As for me, my weekend was fine. Last night I went out for a few drinks with a friend of mine, then today over to Universal Studios with my brother. Good fun and I celebrate 5 years in the US tomorrow too. That said, I feel a bit flat as I am still down about splitting with my girlfriend last month But I'll be fine.

 

Topbloke - thanks for the encouragement my friend. I think I'd get you a beer as a measure of gratitude if possible!

[LonelyMoondancer]

If it were not for the encouragement here and from my counsellor I surely wouldn't be surviving the way I am. I'm crossing family off the list of people I can count on just like friends. They were being such great support only to yank themselves away. I knew it was too good to be true. My mom said such awful stuff. She called me over to her when we were at home just to say, "Why can't you just be smart like all the other girls and be strong when you're at school? You're so smart, just pick a career and aim for it. Pull yourself together." One of the big things that stresses me out is my future after school. I was told by my counsellor to keep learning about things and decide later because I'm young, but my parents all of a sudden want to make sure I'm not thinking of being a drop out. And they have no response to the idea of me teaching, which is one of the only things I see myself doing. My dad found a great opportunity for me to job shadow a lawyer but I'm afraid if I say yes he'll think that's what I want to do for my whole life. I can think about it later but it's upsetting that my parents were ignoring my feelings today just to pick on me. I was having a particularly down day and my mom first told me to snap out of it, and after my dad brought up the job shadowing she attacked me for not knowing what I want. So from now on when they ask how I'm doing each day I'll just have to say I'm fine. I don't think I'll be going home that often anymore. At least at school I can sort of avoid family and friends, I have a dorm.

This upcoming week shouldn't be awful, I'm studying for an upcoming test for that course I failed a test in, with a friend who I don't see every single day and therefore have no problems with. She's a lot like me and we're living together next year so hopefully I don't jinx it by saying it'll go well like I always seem to do. And aside from the test, just one paper that I have planned out and the teaching assistant said it was a good plan. Slightly comforting.

Aside from pretty much losing my parents' support when I need it I'm the same as usual. Today was a bad day but hopefully tomorrow's okay. Probably not. I think I'm going back to being robotic. Once my test is over I'm going to just hang out with myself lol. I'll hopefully drag myself to the gym and try to make myself read books and stuff. Shouldn't be too hard since I won't be travelling back and forth from home and school, I refuse. Except I might have to go home to see my doctor, he wants to maybe switch my medication and I am supposed to tell him about my sleeping.

Sorry I waste so much of your time. I know you both always read my complaints and post kind replies but I really think I need to just suck it up and live. My counsellor said it shouldn't be that way but I see no other way. I don't even get what I just said, whatever.

[top bloke]

LMD... I was the guy that thought he could do anything by myself..A high achiever...a master of my trade..a master of my direction..ninja type atituDe to life but you know what? I broke.. I broke lmd..my heart stopped and it changed the course of my thoughts life forever. I never let people into my heart or mind...I was an empty man. I dont want this to happen to you. It gets very lonely...sometimes we have to learn to forgive people because everyone says something silly some times. Your mum loves you and is concerned.

We ..the human race really need other people to talk to..to share a story. I think you shouldnt shut the world out LMD.

When have you wasted our time LMD? You have not.. My blessing and curse is that I care about people ... you arent wasting my time and I feel Ellandroaders either. We live..we die ..what gives my life meaning is what little good that I can weave in this world . I hope you understand something...that sometimes even I feel very alone out there and desolate.Then I remember..I am breathing...I remember the waves on a beach..the hug of a loved one..the day my kids were born..the wonderful people I have been blessed to have met and shared a bit of me with.. For me my greatest sadness comes from when I people give up..when people dont realise how much theyve really got despite their circumstances.

I believe in humanity LMD..I believe in you and ellabdroader..keep the faith..keep your chin up..keep trying..dont give up....