I don't know how much more I can take...

[top bloke]

haha.. 6am here and i have a big day.Yes you had a much better day. The panics are subsiding. Yes you are steadily getting back some life back into you. This is a good thing. Its 600am here ...I am walking sideways like a crab on the beach with sunstroke lol.. My eyes are sore... Hahah I sound like a kid right now...

Mumm I dont feel like going lol. Except for me no sick pay and a doctors certificate wont make my clients pay me..hehe you see we just have to keep chipping away at life regardless of our problems.. Sometime we dont feel like it but sure beats standing still and worrying about it...just do it. Just keep living it..the rewards will come even though my droopy eyelids are stopping me from seeing jack this morning. Anyway ....life is like a bike....keep pedalling or we fall off and it hurts...dont stop..keep pedalling ..pedalling pedalling... Id better pedal into my car and out the door .

I am feeling very happy for you right now and you just post away young lady...

You have a mate in Oz

[LonelyMoondancer]

I just realized I missed a class where attendance is taken. It's actually one of my favourite classes even though it's the one where I failed two tests... but the class is so interesting and I do know the stuff even though the tests were tricky. I know it's bad that I missed it but I can't do anything so I keep telling myself that and I'm not panicking.

I also wrote a poem today for the first time in several months. A really depressing one but I'm glad I was able to do it. I still feel far from myself but today I feel remotely normal, aside from not having seen any of my friends today. Not really in the mood to see them tonight, so I don't think I will.

Is it weird that I still miss my friend though? The cow? She messaged me today saying she'll see me later and that she came home late last night. She always plays hot and cold with me but I always come crawling back because I like her when she's acting normal. Someone I met recently shared his opinion that we don't need living, breathing friends we see on a regular basis to be happy but I doubt it's true.

[top bloke]

My friends I see a few times a year.When I was sick they actually came around and helped alot. Maybe your cow friend is good medicine for you then. They say better the devil you know. She sounds ok but we both agreed that she really doesnt understand your problem so it would not help discuss it with her. Your male acquaintances comment is partly correct.We have to feel good from the inside and not rely on any one friend or person to do it for us. However when we are sick or have a health problem we do need some support or a friend to talk to. Dont you agree? In a sense being sick is like losing our way because it can impair our daily life functioning. I think we need some nursing to get back to health.The problem is people have their own lives and also it would seem that the people who would be great to have around seem to disappear in tough times.

It sometimes seems dauntimg but we really cant wait for others to make us feel good but we have to work towards it. Its 449 pm .I have finsihed my work day. Its good that youve moved away from that bad place to a calmer you. It wont be toolong before you are happy again but it didnt happen overnight so it will take a bit of time to get right up again. But for sure you are moving forward. Your friend was insensitive a few post ago but if she helps your mood then keep her in your life.. I know you missed a class but you are handling it very well. You are makng a conscious effort to reign in your feelings and it is a big step.Your getting better slowly moon dancer..

[LonelyMoondancer]

I think so too, I'm trying to tell myself that. It helps that I still believe change is possible for sure. I don't know how I survived this one awful week awhile ago where I didn't want to bear the years of life ahead.

I'm wondering if counselling tomorrow will put me in a bad mood again though. It made me pretty upset last time. I know I need to go because things haven't been resolved in my mind and because in therapy you learn about yourself, but it's still nerve wrecking.

Aside from taking a bit too long of a nap today my day was okay, not happy and not miserable, but I'm so grateful I don't feel so robotic these last couple of days.

I'm still easily annoyed at friends but I think more than anything I'm grumpy and still disappointed in who I surround myself with. Plus the girl I call my best friend, is bonding with this girl who is now dating my best friend's best male friend. So they always hang out and talk about him, and I'm not connected in that way. Which is fine, we're all allowed to have our own friends. But that girl disincludes me on purpose and it feels so elementary. We grew up together and just recently reconnected at this school, but now she's stealing my good friend and trying to push me out, and always gives little put downs. It's not that upsetting today but it is definitely frustrating, she came out of nowhere. The few friends I have are important to me so I'd rather she try to befriend both of us instead of trying to replace me.

Other than that a decent day. How's yours?

[ellandroader]

I will add myself to the your support tree. I have been where you are and it is an horrible place. I have undertaken CBT and been lucky enough to have some great support from friends/family. Like 'Topbloke', I would consider myself tough as well but it can hit anybody and depression/loneliness are common so don't feel awkward.

 

We're all here for you. Feel free to write if you need to.

[top bloke]

I think its very good you are continuing on this path.You survived the week because you could. You didnt think you could but you did ...you are stronger than what you think...its a good thing.

The power of belief can make alot of seemingly impossible things happen. Therapy is good if it makes us do some soul searching for sure. Even in everyday life we have to deal with issues that we just never had to before. Dealing with them is not always pleasant but sometimes they have to come out so you can get to the root of the issues from the past and finally put them to rest in a more rational way. You will be able to put them into perspective. Let us know how you went.

I have seen people behave exactly like your friend.She is 110% very jealous of you. These others I have seen move in to take your friend away and leave you left out. I really dont like your friend... she is nasty sorry. Dont let her get you frustrated as by doing so she will get satisfaction from this. Maybe time for a new friend I think...

 

My day is ok..I did some very hard work and my hands paid for it again..lol I get used to it..More cuts ..fluid around my joints...wish I listene at scool but see I did not use my brains when I had the chance and now have to physically push my body to make the dollars...so keep studying ..heheh I sound like my dad here

[top bloke]

I will add myself to the your support tree. I have been where you are and it is an horrible place. I have undertaken CBT and been lucky enough to have some great support from friends/family. Like 'Topbloke', I would consider myself tough as well but it can hit anybody and depression/loneliness are common so don't feel awkward.

 

We're all here for you. Feel free to write if you need to.

 

Welcome champ

[LonelyMoondancer]

Thank you, ellandroader. If you don't mind my asking, what's usually done in CBT? I was supposed to start that with my old psychologist before I stopped seeing her and never got to see if it would have helped.

I hate to admit it but my friend can be pretty awful, it's just that she's one of the few people I have. It's stupid and desperate but I cling to people even when I know they're not that good for me. It's okay though, she's not all I have.

Anyway I survived yet another day without any tears, so that's good enough for me. Hopefully we all have good days tomorrow. I'll let you know how my session goes, thanks for the encouragement!

[top bloke]

I wish you well for tomorrow lonely moondancer..let us know...

[ellandroader]

Thank you, ellandroader. If you don't mind my asking, what's usually done in CBT? I was supposed to start that with my old psychologist before I stopped seeing her and never got to see if it would have helped.

I hate to admit it but my friend can be pretty awful, it's just that she's one of the few people I have. It's stupid and desperate but I cling to people even when I know they're not that good for me. It's okay though, she's not all I have.

Anyway I survived yet another day without any tears, so that's good enough for me. Hopefully we all have good days tomorrow. I'll let you know how my session goes, thanks for the encouragement!

 

 

Don't mention it Moondancer. When I read your post, it is as if I wrote it myself and I know exactly how you feel....my teens and early 20's were lost to all kinds of things.

 

CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) can take a bit longer and can be used in conjunction with drugs if need be, but the ultimate aim is to prevent the problem and thus train your mind to react differently when certain thoughts occur or events happen. I am currently undergoing this now (had it a few years back too) and it is helping a lot. My therapist gives me a lot of little exercises to do - for example, the most helpful is logging all my thoughts in an online journal. I do it once a day but create an entry every time something comes to mind. I do it for the good and bad things. I also make a point of identifying a positive from that day. She also showed me how I could rationalise things more and understand that I wasn't always to blame.

 

My former therapist also taught me to try and visualise myself in a more positive light. This often meant practicing in your mind how to handle a certain situation then going out and doing it. That said, my issues were different to yours (I was Agaraphobic, Social Phobic etc) so maybe the methods for you would change).

 

The ultimate aim is to help you learn how to prevent a problem rather than use medication just to relieve the symptons. It can be a long process but with your younger age, you may actually pick it up quicker.

 

Hope it helps....feel free to ask if you need anything else.

 

TopBloke - Love the username!

[ellandroader]

One more thing MoonDancer.....counselling may make you feel down and sad when you have been but stick with it. They will unearth buried thoughts and feelings but it's for your benefit. It isn't uncommon to feel like that but it won't always be that way.

 

Good Luck with the appointment!

[top bloke]

elandroader thanks man. Hey i like the idea behind the therapy .It would definitely start to make anybody aware of the good things around them. My wifey was given the meds and allowed to just go home and deal with it. I think my patience and love has actually been the main thing to support her. The main way of recovery has been her willingness to get better. That coupled with the fact that she has done tons of reading on the topic. Shes an intelligent woman. I can pick depression by looking at people now. I can see a certain look in their eyes.

I wonder why none of these doctors tried your therapy? It sounds very helpful.

Im going to suggest it to her man...my wife is an alright duck.

One other thing..you look like a guy who i used to spend hours talking * * * * e because we just like chinwagging away lol.

Moon dancer good luck we are here if you need to chat/vent......

[ellandroader]

TopBloke....don't mention it. I hope I can help the OP or anyone else if I write down about my experiences. I do think that the choice of doctor is important. I went on link removed and researched the ones nearby.....I found one that specialised in CBT and she has been great. She asked if I would consider meds as a supplement but by no means as a solution, just something to help me when needed.

 

I know how depression feels and have little bouts with it still every now and then (yesterday I heard from my ex and that's triggered things a bit). You do learn to spot it. If you do suggest it to your wife and want any pointers, then by all means let me know. I'd be happy to share anything I can.

[lost1607307474]

I know how you feel. Sometimes I just feel like hurting myself physically so that people can see that I'm hurting inside, and help me get help.

 

I think you should stick at the counseling. At least you've gotten that far as to get yourself help. There are so many people here who are really willing to talk when you're feeling down and who really do care. If you're feeling empty and don't know what to do with yourself, feel free to PM.

[top bloke]

ellanroader any info on this topic is a huge bonus. I know its very hard on the people who suffer but also imagine the feeling of helplessness when people like myself originally see this illness grab hold and turn her life around... I felt like I was falling just as hard but i am a tough crazy guy and immediately started to try to understand it. I am glad i have a strong sense of curiosity and able to centre my emotions very fast as I could have lost her. It makes me sad that i read of stories of partners who behave in the exact opposite manner. You guys need patience understanding and endless unselfish love particularly when youre down or for women when they are at the end of their cycle. The hormones seem to make them worse at that time.. I suppose we are lucky that we are here sharing our stories..insights and it helps all parties here. Mostly moondancer who needs me/ us to help....as it is not so great for her lately

[LonelyMoondancer]

Hi lost! Oh my gosh I love you all, I don't want to imagine where I'd be without people listening to me and sharing insight.

I had my appointment today and didn't really like it. She did not give me all of my time and I was too scared to ask why... she said she had a meeting to go to which was unfair. She's very nice but I have to admit I felt kind of bad. I know I'm just her job but still, she could have been more discrete lol.

Anyway we are not doing CBT, I don't think I should ask her since I'm going to see someone else next month anyway, she is just someone to talk to. I did ask about what we're supposed to do during the sessions just to make sure it wasn't pointless (I asked her nicely though, not like that). She said we're just getting to know each other right now.

All we had time for was more talk about the same awful thing as last time- I would have preferred moving onto some other awful thing but she had questions and they seemed important. But a good thing, is that she has made arrangements for me to write my exams in private so that I don't have to worry about other people. I don't know if that'll help me but it can't hurt. I used to be very anxious in crowded rooms. I grew out of that just by telling myself that I have every right to be there, so I don't think I have performance anxiety, but I'm pleased that she made the arrangements nonetheless.

I had a bad morning, I had a bad class. It was one of the smaller classes with a teaching assistant, and she always treats me like I'm slow or eccentric which makes me feel awkward. I kind of messed up some of my work and she made me feel so dumb, which I know is my fault for doing it wrong but that was a downer. The rest of the day was okay though, I cleaned to occupy myself and now I'm home with my wonderful parents.

Tomorrow I'm supposed to go to the doctor's to get a slip signed for my exam arrangement, and also to arrange for a psychotherapist closer to home when school's out. My usual doctor is not there and he's the only one I'm comfortable talking to, so now I have to explain it all to an older man I'm not comfortable seeing me shake and stutter... hopefully it goes well though. That reminds me I shake my leg a lot during counselling it's such an awful habit, either it's caffeine or nervousness, does that ever happen to anyone? I always stop when I realize but I usually don't and I must look like I'm going nuts.

Anyway though, how are you all? Hope you all had great days.

[top bloke]

Its Fridayyyyyy!!!! I am now home yeh! One bad morning right? It doesnt matter we both know..they happen. At least this counsellor allocated some private room for you to do your exams..it should help you to focus better.

As for that teacher treating you like an eccentric just realise that some people are far to full of their self importance so dont take it personally..theyre really just emotionally immature. Just keep trying your best as you are more important than them and so too to keep your focus.

Its ok to shake a little but it points to nervousness .As I mentioned a few posts ago some vigorous exercise helps expell some of this energy .. My day was pretty average but being friday evening makes everything that much better.

Btw LOnelymoondancer I think this thread is bigger and more helpful than what you originally thought. Its a good thing and I am very happy to listen to you ...I suppose sometimes it works wonders when people focus on trying to do something good..

You are good and we are glad to be able to help...

[ellandroader]

Hello LonelyMoonDancer....

 

The shaking could be nerves. I got it once or twice. I read your other words, about the exam and thought to myself if you suffer from Social Phobia or anything like that? Nonetheless, reductiion of caffeine and more exercise can help that.

 

So did you establish any concrete goals for your recovery with your new doctor next month?

 

Topbloke - Agree with you on your thoughts with the thread, and the site. It does help when so many people try to do something good and support others.

[LonelyMoondancer]

Hi guys, how are you?

lost!- How do you feel? I completely disregarded how you were feeling last time because I was wrapped up in my own worries, I'm so sorry. I hope you're doing okay today though, feel free to talk here. I complain lots but I swear I'm usually good at listening too.

Ellandroader- I don't take in much caffeine, I drink coffee three days a week, the days when I'm up early in the morning and run on about five hours of sleep. Exercise would probably help, I've been told, it's just hard to remember and make myself get out to the gym. As for concrete plans with my doctor, the only plan so far is to see him in about three weeks. The appointment got bumped down a week because I was accidentally given a filled time slot. Until then I'm to continue talking to the same person I've been seeing the past two weeks, every week. It's kind of helpless not knowing what to do for myself some days but lately I've felt a bit better, I honestly think it's because this thread reminds me I'm not all alone anymore.

Top bloke- You're right this thread's a whole lot bigger than I thought, I didn't even think I'd get any comfort in the beginning, I was just posting to keep myself occupied on a particularly awful night, and I've gone through so many ups and downs since then. I love it. Not the ups and downs obviously, but the good intentions in this thread.

[top bloke]

I am sensing a bit of positivity Lonely moondancer...hah ....your getting even better...fantastic stuff to hear. I see some of these threads and there is no real answer that people can post. It takes time and someone to lean on while you understand it and learn to deal with. I knew this when i first posted and thought to myself that if i were to write one paragraph that it would not be a solution at all. Id be kidding myself and you. So ...I wanted to be here for you via this thread to help along.lifes journey is much better when you can share it with trust.

I have a question... Are depressed people aware at all when they have exhausted their partner? Are depressed people able to love as they did before? Or are they less sensitive to the needs of others because of their problem?

[LonelyMoondancer]

Well I can only speak in terms of myself, but trust me, I do know. As much as I love and appreciate people in my life, the guilt of not being able to be happy for them and their efforts weighs a lot. Although my family hasn't given up on me, I can sense the tension and even the guilt they feel for the way I am, and it makes me feel horrible. I'll admit sometimes I'm not all that sensitive to people's needs though, I only realize it after. Sometimes I snap when people are just trying to help, but not because I've stopped considering their feelings; it's because I get to frustrated and I get the feeling that nothing matters- it hits me and it goes from time to time.

Are you thinking about your wife if it's alright to ask? I just want to say that if that's the case, I'm sure she appreciates everything you do for her. I know that with myself, all I want at times is people to be with me when I'm scared of the world and how I feel. I have that, but at times I still feel bad and it's no one's fault. I still love the people I love, but when I'm very depressed I take it for granted.

[top bloke]

Thank you Moondancer...your reply means alot to me. Yes I was exhausted today with a flu but put a smile on my face and went to the shops . I was keeping up with her but after a few hours i got lightheaded and dizzy. I kept quiet and still smiled..but i started to fall behind. She thought I was upset with her but I was just beyond my health limits. I had to sit down. She got mad at me but I just kept quiet . I sat like a kid who got in trouble for nothing. Ah well

I left it alone and soom enough we were back to hugs n kissess so things are all good. It just tries my patience when my head,throat,lungs,eyes are hurting and still i manage to keep giving everything I possibly have but I momentarily feel like crap. I suppose a few cups of lemon tea ,honey and alot of love makes me realise that she is still battling this ilness and that I am very lucky to have a woman of top quality so I just take care of her.

So there you go ..thats my story.. I let you have an insight in whats going on in my world.

Moon dancer you and my wife are the apple of our eyes. Myself and your family love you guys as you are so you dont have to feel guilty... A good family or husbands love is unconditional.Never forget that...no matter where you go.

[ellandroader]

I'll let both of you in on something.....back over the New Year's I reached a very low point. Problems with my ex became prominent, I was homesick, working hard and extremely lonely. I sunk very very low, to the point where I believe I could have broke down. My family were the first to get it, and seeing your mother cry because of how you are, and your other family members visibly affected by your mood, is very tough. I felt horrible about it, even though it just happened. Unfortunately it has been recurring.

 

On the contrary, I am a very loving person and would never intentionally hurt anybody. Before that when it was building up, my friends put up with me and my football team were very standoffish, presumably with my temperament (they're getting better now, as am I).

 

This prompted me to seek help again and I am now a work in progress. I hope you guys realise too that there is nothing essentially wrong, it's like a bird that breaks its wing and loses it way and just needs time to heal.

 

As long as you can learn from it too, that's always a good thing. I know now that I need to do more to control my emotions.

[top bloke]

I understand mate. A bird losing its way is the perfect description. Family is very important...so too the understanding of a good partner. I realise how your loved ones being affected can upset you somewhat and that is why I bit my tongue in that rare instance where i crashed. I can see she relies heavily on my smile understanding and as I walk by I touch her reassuringly. The problem is a bit cyclical but I have found that once you understand it better ..the better you can deal with it.

I suppose when I saw moondancers ,losts and your posts I was just very surprised that it hit youngish people at that age .. My heart kind of sunk...I just had to do something and hence I couldnt let this young lady back into her daily life and then you guys without a sense or touch of my love for all of you. I understand and hope just by my words that the feeling of sharing is benefiting somehow.

I know we are guys elandroader...but so what? Say whatever is on your mind here...we maybe able to help along.. I think all too often man dont voice their feelings and quite the contrary to popular belief we are stronger for it.

Tb

[ellandroader]

Yeah it can hit at a young age I guess. I think it was thought of as older people getting affected but there is a lot more pressure on the younger contingent these days too -- getting good grades, expected to be the best, physical appearance (and feeling inferior to others with supposed better looks) and a million other reasons as to what gets us down.

 

I've appreciated your advice TopBloke as I am sure other posters do too. I have no problem wearing my heart on my sleeve because that is who I am. I am sure your lady is proud.

 

The saddest thing is when people think they are useless or making a non-contribution, which is what attracted me to help also, just because that's a terrible place to be and we know what it is like to be there.