I don't know how much more I can take...

[LonelyMoondancer]

I'm glad your daughter is able to cope well with studying. Hopefully she'll always be that way.

Although I worry about what I'll do with my degree and how I'll make a living, all I can do for now is just work on the degree and try to do well. The concentration issue is upsetting because I'm almost halfway through and my marks aren't exactly outstanding, but hopefully I can get help for it or somehow learn to focus better.

And yes, when I go out I'm sometimes put in a better mood, not necessarily happy but I feel like I can be out and about and feel somewhat normal. When I come home I sometimes return to feeling drained and upset but at least I can break away from it temporarily- hopefully that is improvement in itself.

Aside from being insanely worried about what to do with my life and feeling annoyed with the presence of most of my friends, I just found out that someone that was once in my life is having a baby. He was like a father figure to me and helped me whether he knew it or not, but we don't keep in touch and so he'll never know what he meant. I feel so guilty for never having said goobye to this day and I still miss him, especially when things go badly. Regarding the baby though, I should be happy but I'm only slightly happy. He's hoping for a girl and I'm so jealous. I hate the idea of him having a daughter. It's such a selfish unfair thing to be bothering me but it really does, I feel horrible about myself for even thinking that way but it's upsetting whenever I remember. It's not helping my mood at all.

[LonelyMoondancer]

Ugh forget the above I just found out I failed another test in this course I'm taking, I failed the first test too and did okay on the only other assignment. There are still quite a few more tests and another assignment to go but I tried to study for this one after failing the first time and it did me no good. It's things like this that make me think I'm not cut out for this stuff. It's not a course in my preferred subject- it's an elective. But it's certainly still easy and I can't even pass once. I sometimes wonder if I should bother continuing this degree- what grad school will want me with these marks? I just thought I'd check my grades before bed and now I don't think I'll sleep, I'd rather puke.

[top bloke]

My daughter gets stressed out sometimes so my advice helps..have a break...

definitely being able forget about it for a while is a move towards controlling the issue.

Its great to feel love for your friend and I am sure somehow he knows you care so dont beat yourself up about it. One other thing you have to know is that his daughter is part of him..part of his body...you should be happy for the fact that a good person is having babies ..hopefully passing on the good teachings of his life to her . We need more good people in the world.. Why are you jealous? Because he is her dad?

I think this may be thinking induced by your current depression so you will see with time that you wont feel like that.

You are just as worthy as any other young woman and doing a degree is not something everyone can do ...so i think you should be proud of yourself.

At home something has to change. I recommend you try some meditation after dinner or yogha..it will help a bit.

[top bloke]

Ugh forget the above I just found out I failed another test in this course I'm taking, I failed the first test too and did okay on the only other assignment. There are still quite a few more tests and another assignment to go but I tried to study for this one after failing the first time and it did me no good. It's things like this that make me think I'm not cut out for this stuff. It's not a course in my preferred subject- it's an elective. But it's certainly still easy and I can't even pass once. I sometimes wonder if I should bother continuing this degree- what grad school will want me with these marks? I just thought I'd check my grades before bed and now I don't think I'll sleep, I'd rather puke.

dont give up is the big secret. Sometimes we think something is easier than it seems. Dont take it personally. Try to understand where your weak points are and work on those areas. This is true of many things. My life for example is a life of challenges /problems which test me. When i fail I pick myself off the ground ..dust myself off.. compose myself ..dig my heels in and fight!! Perhaps you can apply my principles? We can win moondancer...we can rise above as long as we never give up.

[LonelyMoondancer]

I know it's good advice but it's getting so hard. I try and I try and sometimes it gets me nowhere. All I can think about is not getting into any grad schools and not being able to do anything with my degree.

As for my friend... I should be happier but what can I say I'm just awful that way. I like the idea of him having a son way more than a daughter. A small part hopes he gets his wish and gets a little girl but I'm jealous. It's weird because I have my own father but it hurts to think that little girl would mean so much to him and I'm not even in his life anymore. He was so patient and affectionate and it wouldn't compare to his own daughter. I have no right to think that way and yet I do, plus I have my own father and he's wonderful. I don't even understand myself. But that's the least of my worries right now, I'm too sick of school and everything to think about it today.

[top bloke]

Stop trying hard to fix it. You must understand it first to start to get more control it. There are different ways of fighting/winning. Gently chip away at that big monster or outright try to beat it. The problem with aggressively approaching is that it can backfire. The best method is to conquer it gently.... Just realise that you can and will win this over. This problem doesnt happen overnight so it will take time to get a better grip on the dynamics and then youll control it instead of it controlling you. I know it is not easy right now but i promise you will get better. It is not a beast that will direct your life...you will become its master..

[LonelyMoondancer]

But I feel like I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I'm so disoriented and disconnected from everyone and I don't know how to get back on the right path. Just when I think I'm going to be okay I get this flood of panic that I'm not meant to enjoy my life or get a thrill out of things like others do. I don't even know who I am anymore, I used to love life and now I think I was just easily amused. I don't see myself working any job, unless I actually end up successful with writing and make money that way. I can't see myself getting married and having kids because I'm so awful at dating, attracting all the wrong guys and being invisible to those I like. Which means I won't have kids. And I never know who's really my friend. But I can't live with my parents forever.

I don't expect you to have an asnwer for all that, I'm just ranting I guess. I'm in a huge panic over that test and don't think I can sleep, and now other awful thoughts have crept into my head. I really want to believe you when you say things will get better but even when I do feel well enough to carry on it's like I've pushed some underlying problem into the back of my mind and it's waiting to take over me just when things are going okay. That's how I feel at least. I just want to do nothing but be locked up inside away from everyone and do nothing but watch tv because I feel so cowardly. Things just don't change. I have no way of meeting new people which would let me have a bigger circle of friends. And I have no idea how to fix my concentration problem which would help tons in school. Sure I'd still have issues but I could work through them if I didn't feel so dumb and alone all the time. I would never allow myself to give up on my life but I'm losing the drive to help myself all the same. I don't even know little things I can do for myself. My mother seems to think it's as easy as telling myself that I'm a lucky person but it's just not that simple.

[top bloke]

Right now Im in my gym at home...I was a bit anxiuos today....I have just smashed my body with weights..the anxiety has lifted and my body feels alive. Funny thing is that my my feels amazingly clear. Do you exercise?

[LonelyMoondancer]

Noo I don't have the time. Not that I accomplish much at home but I have a better chance of working at home with all the time I have in the evenings than going to the gym. Sometimes I randomly do jumping jacks though if I feel really out of it. I want to go to the gym more at the end of April when school's out.

It does help to make me feel good physically and proud that I did that for myself but doesn't take away from the problems I speak of. I think I should try to sleep for now, but I'll talk to you more tomorrow. I think it's still daytime where you are, if so hope you have a great day and that your wife does as well.

[top bloke]

You are very welcome to lay your emotionns out here. I am listening to your every word;feeling your every word and believe it or not yes I have had a similar experience. You see....telling me here as you speak releases your pain out and it is a good thing...let those thoughts out ..dont hold them in and dont be afraid of me.. I am just a guy with a huge heart who wants you to not hold those negative thoughts inside..get them out...they must give you a release that a human connection can give. I am very much human unless you speak to my wife that is...hehe

[top bloke]

Also..you arent alone..I have one subscribed thread and it is this one. I want to be here for you to vent...to talk... You have to learn to push bad thoughts away. You have to realise that they are only nuisance thoughs from no where... when it pops in there..push it away. Have you been able to do this?

[top bloke]

Ok have a rest ...take care and I am trying ...talk soon edit... I want you to know that you and some of my other friends here are in my prayers every night I wish everyone peace...resolution and especially you tonight I pray for a better tomorrow

[top bloke]

Noo I don't have the time. Not that I accomplish much at home but I have a better chance of working at home with all the time I have in the evenings than going to the gym. Sometimes I randomly do jumping jacks though if I feel really out of it. I want to go to the gym more at the end of April when school's out.

It does help to make me feel good physically and proud that I did that for myself but doesn't take away from the problems I speak of. I think I should try to sleep for now, but I'll talk to you more tomorrow. I think it's still daytime where you are, if so hope you have a great day and that your wife does as well.

Thanks..its is 830 pm here its dark.. I suppose even the positive effct from the gym is a plus in any case.

I want you to know something else.. I would be proud of a daughter like you despite your current setback.. Sleep well moondancer...you arent alone young lady..

night

[LonelyMoondancer]

Thank you, that means a lot it really does.

I don't know about some of my thoughts being thoughts I should just push out of my mind. Yes I should not worry about being able to marry and have kids at this point, I'm still very young and I know that this is my time to experience the world. But I'm just trying to be realistic with my grades and my future in terms of a career. Honestly I wonder what kind of grad school would want someone with mediocre grades. I'm already almost halfway through the degree and apparently this current year is the most important. If I can't use my degree to do some further education then I'm pretty much wasting my time. I don't even know if it's too late or if I should just pull out right now, although my parents would never go for that and I would feel that it's wrong.

I'm sick of my roommate questioning my weird sleeping habits- I finally slept at five this morning and got out of bed around three in the afternoon and made it to class. I hate when she asks what I'm doing in my room and I'm either online or staring at my work trying to make myself do it. And I'm also sick of my friends being all determined and purposeful and assuming I'm the same way without stopping to ask.

[top bloke]

Your friends just dont understand. I think that with your studies you should realise that it is good for you to finish what you started. You see you can look back at this moment and say that you did not quit on your dreams despite what happened.You dont need regrets later that none said this fact. Well i just did so keep at it. You see we all live in hope of moving forward and good things.It is a good thing .It is 918 am here and I have to go see a client or I am toast.I will logon the road to talk to you in an hour odd.

[LonelyMoondancer]

Okay talk to you then. But yeah none of them understand, I tried telling one of my friends who is supposed to be my best friend since I'm hers I guess, and she just gave me a lot of cliche advice that didn't make sense and said I need to stop worrying and that I'm not doing badly. Failing is pretty bad though, it was never to this point. I am thinking of seeing an acadmic counsellor but I'm scared I'll get frustrated and cry in front of whoever it is. Plus I don't really see what they can do for me- I earn these marks all on my own and if I fail it's really no one's fault but mine. I'll carry on because I've only two months to go but I hope I don't go bad before then.

[top bloke]

I think crying is a great thing actually. I hadnt seriously cried in about 20 years until a few weeks ago. It was just the best feeling.. People who havent experienced depression cannot understand it so forgive your friend but do be aware that for an outsider it is simply not that easy to grasp.

Perhaps the academic counsellor isnt a bad idea? I am just cleaning my cuts at the moment from my work...its funny you know..my hands are full of scars from the past which each tell a story of my work travells. Its alot like the bad times in our lives. We have a cut in our minds..we stop the bleeding and with time it heals . The scar is like a memory which then makes us wiser . You see like a pattern of bad thoughts..slipping with a drill into my hand makes me want to heal and not slip with that thing again. I think the slipped drill of emotions you have will heal and with time you will be much better for it..

[LonelyMoondancer]

Oh my goodness what is your work?

I agree there's nothing wrong with crying but I hate for anyone to see me do it. Two years ago when I first set out for my medication I almost cried in front of my family doctor, it was so awkward because he's known me since I was a little girl. He asked me questions and I just picked at my sleeve until it ripped because I couldn't look at him. I can imagine that happening again.

I forgive my friend because it's not her fault she's happy, but it was frustrating. She offered to sit with me next time and make sure I'm studying which is really nice although it makes me feel incapacitated. As a child my mom was always proud that she could leave me alone and I'd do my homework with no help while other mothers complained that they had to sit with their kids from start to finish. Now I've become just like that.

I sometimes wonder if I have a learning disability. I just really don't know how to go about with everything, I think the biggest thing disturbing my life right now is my inability to focus in school. One doctor told me he didn't know if my concentration problem makes me depressed or if my depression keeps me from concentrating. I'm unable to help myself that way. I tried to call one of my friends today to talk to her. We were like best friends last year but now we don't see each other- she's never willing to come see me so I stopped going to see her and it stayed that way. Sometimes we're cold to each other and other times we're nice, but a few days ago I ran into her while out and she insisted that we catch up. But I called her early today and she never called back. Another time I asked if she wanted to go to the health center without telling her why, and she said no because she didn't want to be near sick people and that she couldn't call later because she was out of minutes. While I do have you and my parents and brother and one or two other friends, it's always awful when more people walk out on you.

[top bloke]

I run my own little business and I work on cars..I cant say too much because no one here knows I am on this forum..this is my private timeout so to speak.I like helping and cant help others here if people here were behind me making me water down my truthful responses.

You friend is a cow.Just ignore her. Also you say alot of people walk away from you ok? Well you would be surprised at the amount of people who walk away from me except I am a stage of understanding that when I sense hatred ..jealousy or bad feelings to me I just get up ..turn on my heels and walk away. I dont get angry..I dont get sad..the world is full of good and bad so I expect alot more fools to come both of our ways.

You know it was really funny when I was sick near death in hospital...alot of people who I truly loved and respected never even rang to see if I had died in hospital those nights. Some cousins and stuff like that came well after like their shopping was more inportant. It was there and then that I understood the hearts of people. I had no anger for them or would ever treat them bad but it made me aware that sometimes friends are not as good as we think. It is what it is...people we know dont always come through for us and then some who we never expected come out and just seem to do and say the right things..lol.

You know I really thought I was going to die that night...I was cracking jokes with the guy and girl nurses..I didnt think of bad things from that day on. That night I thought of my kids wife and some funny people I knew that made me laugh. I didnt think of the bad people or meanness..no. But learnt that some people are just like that because they simply do not have the emotional or spiritual maturity to be better people. With this in mind I take a gentle breath in turn around and walk away without a seciond though..stuff em!! I must admit I thought of something else but its a bit x rated and I thought I was dead meat.. lol..

Hey the satisfying and nice things in life are what give our life meaning and so I dont look for bad things or negative things..just the wonderful little things we miss in this rush rush rush world. Anyway theres my rant ..

[LonelyMoondancer]

It's no problem. I sometimes wonder how identifiable I am too, but I don't really worry about that anymore, because much of what I post is never told to anyone.

Sorry about your stay in the hospital, but I love that you shared it and thought of the people that matter to get you through it. I'll have to follow your example until I get through this. I need to ask at my next counselling session if there's anything I can do to stay focused. Also my mom is going to update my family doctor on how I'm doing since he always asks.

I feel bad for not being completely honest with my mom though. I talked to her on the phone today and confessed about my test, and she told me not to take it to heart. But she then asked what was always on my mind several times, and asked if something happened in my past to do with a boy. That is a small part of what hurts sometimes and although I denied it she still feels I'm hiding things. I'd share with her if she was more understanding but unfortunately she's not. She sometimes goes behind my back trying to right things but makes them worse, and is sometimes judgemental. But instead of telling her that it's much easier to just not tell her. She has been a great comfort lately but I can't really let her in on things.

[top bloke]

You dont have to be sorry for me..I am now tough as nails and whats better we can walk away from these people.I understand about your mother..its cool..parents try to help but they have to realise that things that are right for them as individuals may not be right for us.They can derail us that way.

But its ok..I will listen Its probably going to be a good size thread but I have nothing but time for you if it helps you understamd this world,..the way it works and where we fit in..

I am really happy to have shared that part .It seems your sharing your thoughts with me have made me feel like posting these snapshots in my mind which I dont reveal to anyone else.

Yes my family was my main motivator to get back.I didnt care If I died in there because I realised that when we die it is permanent. The true problem is those of us who walk this earth with hate..self pity..fear..jealousy ..anger..greed..pain..confsusion..lost souls. These people are blessed to be alive and yet live as spiritual lost entities. I believe that we can fix all of these problems because we are blessed with breath in our lungs and all it takes many times is self realisation...self learning and maybe a spirit of real love ..respect and caring as a stranger like me. I feel good being here for you and I know that one day I will see a photo of your pearly whites when you are better

[top bloke]

Anyway...you post to your hearts desire here because I know its something good this forum...

[LonelyMoondancer]

I definitely believe you, it's just been awhile since I saw things that way. I used to have a good perception of things, knowing that the world is both good and bad, and I knew how to take pleasure in small things. Lately I can't but I hope one day soon I'll be able to do it again with you and a few others on my side.

I'll be so relieved when this school year's over though, I really need a change of environment. I want to do something over my break that's different and useful so that hopefully I'm refreshed for school. I'll think about that later though.

I'd vent some more but I should try to work tonight, and I don't want to stir up bad thoughts for now. Whether or not tomorrow's a bad day I'll talk to you tomorrow. Take care!

Oh and I also hope someone's benefitting from this thread, it appears we're alone in it but maybe theres a lonely lurker somewhere getting comfort. I know I used to stalk enotalone lol.

[top bloke]

I know there are people like ourselves just learning from us. But Im not doing it for them because you are the most important person here to me as you do need someone to talk to and I am honoured to be at your side

A friend of mine here sent me a pm surprised that I opened up so much to you and publicly. Its ok though..I am not doing anything bad...and yes i wanted to.

Yes do your school work and yes when you finish you can have a rest from all of the study and just recharge your batteries so to speak. I am picturing waves ..fish and hot summer days right now because summer just past ..hehe talk soon..

[LonelyMoondancer]

Soo, I tried really hard from the minute I woke up to have a good day, I'd say I was partly successful. At no point was I happy, but at least I wasn't stressed or miserable either, just empty, which is better than being in a constant panic. I didn't sleep much but I got up early, went to all my classes, managed to do my readings and homework and got positive feedback on my homework today. It rained cold rain all over me while I was outside but I really don't care because so far today things have gone as well as they can.

I have to go to more class now even though I'm exhausted, but going to class can only help me. It's weird but all day I've been motivated by guilt or something. As long as it works I guess. When I'm finally done for today though I'm taking tonight to relax I could use it. Especially since a very understanding professor gave me an extension for one of several assignments.

Hope your day is going well. Or night lol.