I'm starting to think No Contact is wrong in my case

[davew]

And NOT just because I desperately want contact, either....I do, but I really just want to do the right thing for us both, more. And I can suffer No Contact for as long as necessary if we both come out better and happier people. My dilemma is this:

 

I know she did/does not really want to break up with me. It is/was obvious in her eyes, words, and actions...and she has honeslty explained her perspective with me as being this way.

 

Brief Synopsis of our situation: 3 years together. 1st year she was openly more commited to our relationship than I was willing to admit I was. I was really into her, but scared she was going to move off (she was graduation from college and planned to move) and I kept some distance to protect myself...I kept a little too much distance, she felt unrequited, and we drifted apart for a while...she met somebody and cheated on me, planning on breaking up w/ me after. I caught them, we broke up for a very short period, but the jolt knocked me out of my shell and I told her how much I really cared for her...we made up and got back together. She moved in, all was good. Or so it seemed. She had a hard time putting the affair behind her. She stopped contact w/ the OG, but NO CONTACT made her miss him sometimes. This made her feel terrible, and to doubt her commitment for me. the guilt got to her a lot..she never believed she could be this type of person (a cheater or liar)...we would fight over it, I would get real hurt questioning her feelings for him & me..I was still very insecure from what had happened...our relationship became negative, beating down her self esteem and mine. It sucked because we both still loved eachother, but couldn't get out of the negative cycle. Until, she stood up and broke the cycle by breaking up. She claims she is doing it for me, because she feels like she is a bad person and will just keep hurting me by doubting if we should be together.

 

We have been apart 2 months. She has not been with the OG or anybody else. She said she has no interest in dating anybody for a long time until she gets her self esteem back and feels like a good person again. But she also says she hopes that someday we can both be in a place to try again. That the time apart will help us both grow and move past what happened enough to start a new... I agree. But I think that the past 2 months have been enough (for me) to break the cycle and let me move on. I now trust her more than ever, and I don't feel insecure about her feelings, etc...and I honestly feel like I can give her all the space she needs to find herself again. She still thinks that if we get back together we will just slip into the same negative patterns of the past and hurt eachother more... I have been respecting this and doing NO Contact, hoping that missing me will help her come around and want me back.

 

The problem is this: she doesn't miss our negative relationship even if she misses me a lot. And to her, coming back is coming back to that, not to me as a different person in a different place. And she respects me enough to keep No Contact so as to "not lead me on" when I see her...because her feelings are obviously still there when I do see her.

 

She wants to keep being friends and see eachother regularly...I couldn't do that before because it hurt too much to be with her and not be able to be intimate or affectionate, and to feel the loss. But TODAY I feel like no contact is wrong...and that seeing her would best show her how things are and can be different. That the cycle is broken and we are not feeding off eachother anymore. She convinced herself that we could not fix the relationship being together, and NO Contact lets her stay in that belief and crystalize it. Contact (with rules and respect for eachother) seems like it would be more fruitfull for both of us....as long as I could deal, which I think I can. Besides, I just plain miss her and want to say hello...and I would like to help build her self esteem back up. She truly is an amazing person, and by being around her and reminding her of this, I'd like to make her feel good about herself again.

 

am I being weak and convincing myself this is right? or am i right? please share your thoughts, experiences and advice....

 

sorry for the long book!!

 

-dw

[Beec]

No contact is good for some thigns, but not good for others. It is good to keep you away when it hurts to be near. It is good to keep you from getting really angry with them, begging them, pleading, declaring your undying love for them, etc. These things can chase them away. It is not good for pulling them back in, unless they miss you so much that their emotions are like water building force up behind a dam and you are just waiting for it to break loose. (I know of no people like this last example.)

 

But when you can manage your emotions, act unaffected by what they say and do, then slowly increasing the contact can be a good idea, imo.

 

I think you know what she wants to see, or at least not to see. Can you be someone opposite that and appeal to her head showing her that you believe she can be someone who will reach her ideals. That may work well.

[Hopingpraying]

Dave,

 

You have a tough situation there. One there is not an easy answer too and of course I am no expert other than my experiences.

 

I would question whether your trust for her is absolute as you say. She has done something to hurt you, but as much as I can read in your post she has not done much to regain your trust other than the time since it has been since her "OG" as you put him. So I question whether or not you wouldn't start questioning things later on down the road. I do believe you can get over that once you know the feelings you have for each other are true.

 

As to what you should do, I think you need to let her have her space so she can get her self esteem back. I think if you pursue her you will push her away further. No contact doesn't mean you shouldn't ever talk to them, it just means you should let them initiate the contact. If she gets in touch with you, don't talk about your past, talk about how you are doing, what you are doing. Don't relive the past with her whatever you do, don't even mention it like I've done this so we won't do this again. Basically start over.

 

By doing this she will see the changes in you and you won't even have to point them out. She will start to remember why she dated you in the first place and won't have to be reminded of the bad things. You may think the last two months have been enough for you, but it really is has it been enough for her?

 

You say she wants to see you regularly but you also mention she is keeping no contact to not lead you on. I am confused by that. If she wants to see you regularly then you are in if you can keep your emotions in check and not bring up the past. If you are truly ready you will be able to take whatever decision she makes. Whether it be getting back together or staying apart. Whatever will be, will be.

 

I do wish you luck man. I know how it is to love someone and not get it in return. Good luck!

[davew]

Thanks guys...you both make great points.

 

She has done a lot to regain my trust, I just left it out of the post because it was long enough already. She always deserved my trust, beyond the brief bout of infidelity that was wrong but normal and understandable under the circumstances, she always acted very trustworthy. I just became nerotically focused on minute details and blew a lot out of propertion. And the fact that she has had some limited contact with him since we have been apart, but has made no effort to have anything but casual friendly contact with him tells me she was being honest during the past year when she swore it was over but she just wondered how he was doing with life sometimes.

 

She will not initiate contact because I asked her not to and she will respect that. I told her I needed time apart to get over the hurt and to deal with myself...I said that being friends was just confussing me and hurting me. I was being overly emotional at times as a result of contact...she agreed that no contact was good for a while if I wanted that...but she cried and felt bad and couldn't hang up the phone for hours.

 

I think I will wait a few days and see how I feel and then call and say hello.... I do feel confident that my emotions are in check and I will not interact with her by reaction to her, but from a solid place within myself.

 

Thanks again...

dave

[davew]

BTW, I was waiting for the dam to break and the floodwaters to pour...you are correct, that is silly. Thanks for pointing that out...it helsp me greatly!!

 

-dw

[reborn]

Dear davew,

Sorry to hear about your situation. I know you must be in a lot pain right now, and if not pain an intense gush of emotion. As another poster wrote, im not expert on this, however i can talk to you from the general perspective of an unbaised outsider and also from someone who went through a similar experience in the past.

First of all, you say that in your case you feel that no contact is a good idea. As another poster stated "no contact" serves different purposes and may not be suitable for all. It certainly is not desirable and is just almost umberable most of the time so it is something that when someone breaks up with us, we look for all possible excuses not to do. Though most in this forum advice for it, specially the most experienced ones, we look for all sorts of "special" and "unique" characteristic in our situation that makes it not sutiable for us 8) . At the end of the day I think that no contact in it self is far from the real issue here. You may or may carry it out. No matter what people advice you here, you will always end up doing what you want, and should always do what you feel in your gut. We sometimes only learn by personal experience. Maybe if you keep contact and have bad results you will decide no contact is right for you.

In my opinion, as an outside observer i would keep contact to a minimum for now, mostly in your own befenit, to get your self grounded. But honestly i don´t think that the "no contact" is the main issue.I think that at the point where you two are contacting or not would make little difference on the overall situation. I know you don´t think this way, due to your fear that if you don´t contact her it will become a fact for her that being together with you=negative relationship, and not being with you=positive relationship which is a conclusion you are horried she comes to. I understand your fear, and it is perfectly human to feel like this in this situation. However, i find this just a distraction rather than a solution and sort of a dead end not the road. I think the main issue for you here is to stop, detach your self and see the relationship/situation from a global perspective, not just from the eyes of your urgent needs, and fears at the moment. I think only then can you can you be in a position to take the right actions to mend this relationship, (if it is still mendable an answer which only lies your hearts and in time).

First lets take a look, a global look at the situation as I see it. Have you ever heard the expression that sometimes love is not enough? Well, I think this may apply to your case. I don´t think love is the issue here. IT seems evident that you both love each other. So showing her or letting her know you love her or trying to prove to her that she loves you too, is not the solution. She knows you love her, she knows deep down she loves you.she also knows that when you hang out together, you can have a nice time cause that love is still there. So being calm and loving or showing to her she still loves you may be like a placing a band aid on a huge cut. She is knows there is love, it is not why she left, however keep in mind she left inspite of this. So there must be something else that needs urgent attention here. So point one is: Love is still there, but love is not the issue here.

 

2. Your relationship as a whole how you described it post the OG sounds like a black hole, like being constantly on trial for her, and you being the prosecutor. By that im not saying she is the victim, or you the victimizer or backwards. Im just saying that it sounds like your relationship was bad, not working. I think you have to admit that. No matter who is wrong or right, or if looking back on it you can see how you would do things differnt now, or how somethings were made into bigger deals than they are, or if you now feel forgiving for things you were not when you were together. Doesn´t matter. Point is the state of your relationship was very unhealthy. Imigine it was a person. It was alive (love) but it had a tumor or a cancer. A person with a bad cancer or tumor has many limitations than healthy people have. Another way to see it is as if relationships are a room you have love fumes and yummy smells and toxic fumes and putrid smell. There has to be a balance there with more yummy smelling fumes. In your case the room was toxic. So point 2 is: your relationship was unhealthy, not good.

 

3. The girl is burnt out. She may love you, you may love her, and forgive her, and trust her now. And apologize for all that went on, and admit whatever, but the fact is she is burnt out at this moment. Its like the trees, after the winter. They are DRIED. Even if you tell them that spring will come tomorrow that you have spring in your pocket, they are not going to all of a sudden become plum and give out green leaves. No. And the same thing is happening to your girl. Things are all cause and effect Davew. You had months of accusations, fights, this crazy energy sucking dinamic in your relationship and that has its effects like all the severe cold weather drying the trees. And that is where she is now and you have to come to terms witht that, accept that if you can and in that way even support her. It may be a reversable state like the trees that bloom in spring and are at their glory in summer. But as with all things in nature those things happen gradually. Just like you cannot hurry a flower to bloom. Feelings are the same. REsting the heart is the same. Recuperating after a burntout also. She may also need to alone, away from you in order to do this. Don´t be afraid of her moving away at this time, give her the space she feels she needs to mend. With my 2 mayor relationships after breakups from their side, specially one similar to yours where I was in your position my ex came back but only after more than 5 months of no contact and then very friendly gradual, non preassuring contact. So point 3 is this: Recognize she is in burnt out zone, no matter where you are, and give her the space she needs.

3. As much as you say you have changed, that you trust her now, and that you are different and want to show her. Not to call you a lair, because I believe you Davew, i have been there where are before, i must say i wouldn´t rely on that. Even if you are extremely convinced, which you are, cuase the shock and intense pain and longing that this breakup has caused you has made you change, i think from experience that these issues are deeper rooted. And despite your good intentions if you were to go back right now, you may have some weeks or months of honey moon, but you will have this og issues or mistrust issues coming up againand that may end up killing all possibilites for good. The purpose of telling you this, is not to acuse of you being a liar, but to advice you that somethings we cannot handle alone, despite our best intentions. Sometimes we do not have the tools within us to effectively manage complicated, and icky stuff as trust issues. Things like that are sometimes bigger than ourselfs and ofset by an outside force such as og incident but have deeper roots within ourselfs.

So that is my 3rd global point: you are not as ready as you may think you are and you may need help to deal with this issues in order to be able to have achieve a healthy relationship with this girl.

4. Don´t blame yourself, you were on the accusatory side here. She was the one to make a move to break your trust, you didn´t cause this by not being as commited as she was at the time, nor did you cause this breakup cause you were mistrustful and a prosecutor. Relationships ARE complicated Dadew, and it is often not black and white, or im wrong and you are right or vice versa. We are all humans, we are all learning, we are all groing. All actions have concequences on top of that we all have subconscious issues that we don´t even realize are making us act in the present time and can "mess" things up for us. So my 4th global point is: Do not blame your self, both relationships and human beings are complicated, and sometimes things take a turn for the worst, or towards the negative you both came to this relationship with love and the intention of making being with each other and making each other happy. Sometimes doodle happens, and things turn our for the worst. But that is life, not your fault.

5. Finally, don´t be afraid of the future. I know you canot control that fear now. I know that you dread not being with her, or that she goes with someone else, but trust in life, in you, and in love that all will work out in perfect motion. This is from someone that was reunited with her ex. My ex came back to me although it seemed impossible. Even to all in this site. So, trust me on that. What you must do now, is start to work on your self. And in this way you will change the situation. Change of situations and others always beging with our selfs. And I guess the point this leads me to is for you to get therapy. couples therapy.

 

You may find something helpful. I often recomend this website because at the worst of my breakup I had just 1 session with Dr. Grey and it was extremely, extremely helpful. I am not in California so I had a phone session, and it work out quiet well for me. It is not a quick fix, however it is very balancing, healthy and hope building to speak to a professional someone that has decades just dealing with couples issues with issues just like yours. By the way, i don´t work for Dr. Grey, lol. This is just from my experience.

If I were you I would schedule a session before making any moves regarding your girl, or making any decision on your stratedegy, no contact, etc. You may find it very grounding to get professional touch in your situation.

Finally maybe AFTER session depending on what I come with I may decide to tell her that I love her, and that I feel she still loves me, that Im serios about your relationship that you are getting into couples counceling by yourself to deal with the issues from your side that led to the demise of the relationship. That I am not doing this to preassure her in any way, that you understand where she is now and that you will give her all the time she needs. That you welcome her being in couples counceling with you if and when she feels ready to try it. Don´t ask her for answers, just drop it to her. Don´t aslk her if she is seeing anybody, etc. Something alone this line. This is what I would do if I was on your situation based on my experience with similar situations. I am not telling you to do things this way, this is just my humble opinion. However, no matter what you decide to do, I wish you all the luck in the world. Lots of peace and love to comfort your heart. Have faith my friend. All will work out as it should.

Best,

Reborn

(Im a girl by the way, cause my name is not gender specific)

[davew]

wow...I can't think of anythink that would have helped me more today. Thanks soooo much for those words. I agree 100% and will take all your advice under serious consideration. I don't really feel like I am blameing myself as much as just accepting responsibility for my part/contributions. No one person in the relationship is to blame for anything...we both tried our best to do the right thing and get through, but in hindsight I certianly recognize the ways in which I contributed to getting us where we are today.

 

I am going to go VERY VERY slow...like a gentle sping breeze and maybe call her or see her once or twice a month for a while and see what happens. Offering her my support along the way, and not contacting her if I am not feeling 100% in control of myself or 110% good with the situation. I have a lifetime to work this out... and she is moving to NYC (4 hrs from us now) in a few months anyhow, and we certainly are not getting back together before then no matter what...so there is no rush.

 

Thanks again sooooo much. I was pretty frustrated when I logged in, but feel much better afetr reading that.

 

-dw